Review 106: Chico - It's Chico Time

Guaranteed child molester hits number one. Oh the humanity.

This years X Factor, not that I watched it, of course, provided us with quite simply the worst "talent" to pollute the charts to date. Of course we get bland no-mark Shayne Ward hitting number one with his boyband B-side, and the other trolls are soon to come out of from under the bridge of ghastliness, each more adonyne and pointless than the last.

Now, maybe I'm making some kind of error - isn't it just the WINNER that has the "X Factor" and so only the WINNER should release records? Did I miss something? I mean, what else could all the money they fleece out of the poor, stupid morons voting be for? Ah yes - to line the companies pockets to fund yet more dreck like X Factor. I forgot.

Now let's move on to Chico, the running joke of X Factor. He could barely sing, and was only in it because, uh, he had a comedy foreign accent, a silly name and stupid dances. Right. So he HAS to have a record deal, right? And, because the people who WATCH X Factor are mindless cretins, it HAS to get to number one because there are so MANY mindless cretins who watch it. It's crushing, it really is.

So, the song is a children's style party song. If in doubt, check the video where he dances with kids. This is probably an attempt to rid all memory of the fact he used to be a Chippendale, so instead of a sexy singer they instead have a sexless, Peter Pan style loveable fool. Just a pity it's not so much "Peter Pan" as "Neverland" - the Michael Jackson version. Still, this tosh is guaranteed to be bought by the funny-tied office buffoon who thinks "it's just fun", to be bought by stupid kids who don't know any better and basically anyone who doesn't have one single quality record in their entire collection, merely consisting of compilation albums and more reality television spawned atrocities.

I notice on the B-side that Chico covers "Kiss" by Prince, which now means I can publicly offer $1,000,000 to anyone who brings me his head on a stick. That this song is sung by this creepy, bug-eyed no-doubt kiddie fiddler is perhaps the greatest crime of all. Crush, kill, destroy.