The Voice Of Reason!

The Curmudgeon's on the radio - again.

First of all, apologies for the lack of posts or any real communication with you Dwellers over the last week. I've been mucho busy, what with working on some more exclusive interviews for The Fortress (fingers crossed they work out), my University studies (yup, they're up and running again) and writing and recording another radio rant for Wolfman's show. The segment is now called "The Curmudgeon's Voice Of Reason" and I personally feel this one is better than the first - far more polished sounding anyway.

But you can judge for yourselves - the same times apply as before. Sorry again for the lack of notice regarding the second V.O.R, but I didn't know (or indeed, think to ask) about the times of it until tonight. Silly Hate Monger!

Still, if you miss it tomorrow you've got another two chances throughout the week to catch it. And make sure you do!

Anyway, the actual site to listen to it is here

Here's what the times would be in the eastern time zone (i.e New York):

Monday - 1pm
Wednsday - 3am
Sunday - 7am

Here's the Midwest/Central time zone (i.e Iowa):

Monday - 12pm
Wednsday - 2am
Sunday - 6am

Mountain time Zone (i.e Montana):

Monday - 11am
Wednsday - 1am
Sunday - 5am

and finally the western time zone (i.e. California):

Monday - 10am
Wednsday - 12am
Sunday - 4am


And then for us earthlings in the UK..

Monday - 6pm
Wednsday - 8am
Sunday - 12pm


It's time. Time for a NEW voice. Time for a voice of reason. Time for ...... The Curmudgeon's Voice Of Reason!

(You know, that sounded better in my head..)

Curmudgeon... FM!

Our radio rocks.

Here's a funny fact for you: The Curmudgeon doesn't have a radio.

I pretty much despise the radio - why would I want to be TOLD what to listen to? Why should I have to put up with listening to what's on a commercial setlist? New music is far easier to find on any of the 1000 music channels out there and through reading the likes of NME and actually going to see bands.

That said, The Curmudgeon wasted no time in accepting your friend and mine, loyal Dweller Invisible Wolfman's offer to join him on his radio show. Hey, if people are going to listen - may as well have them listen to The Curmudgeon.

So - wanna hear it? 'Course you do - although you may well question yourself after listening to it. Maybe I'm too much of a self critic but, well, it WAS my first time and it IS basically me speaking into a microphone into the computer and then e-mailing it to Wolfman. So don't expect Howard Stern, OK? And aplogies if you can't understand my accent, but I did try and speak as clearly as possible.

Anyway, the actual site to listen to it is here

And here's the times for you Americans first..

Here's what the times would be in the eastern time zone (i.e New York):

Monday - 1pm
Wednsday - 3am
Sunday - 7am

Here's the Midwest/Central time zone (i.e Iowa):

Monday - 12pm
Wednsday - 2am
Sunday - 6am

Mountain time Zone (i.e Montana):

Monday - 11am
Wednsday - 1am
Sunday - 5am

and finally the western time zone (i.e. California):

Monday - 10am
Wednsday - 12am
Sunday - 4am


And then for us earthlings in the UK..

Monday - 6pm
Wednsday - 8am
Sunday - 12pm

Oh, and one more thing - Wolfman lives in Finland, so it's a Finnish radio station. So if you tune in earlier and hear crazy foreign languages - that's why. You know, all in all it's just a bit of fun and, ideally, another way to get people to maybe come to the site.

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Care to peddle your filthy wares?

Sell yourselves, harlots.

Even though The Fortress is one of a million blogs, you can bet this is the only one with a thread title like THAT.

So what's it about? Simple. This isn't a discussion thread, it's not an opinion poll and its not even a rant - this is an open invite for YOU, good people of this site, to share with the other Loyal Dwellers anything you're a part of on the internet (or out of it, if you have a link).

See, in an effort to further the "community" aspect of The Fortress, I think it'd be cool if we had an open access to whatever else you lot get up to on the net - whether its your own Blogs, your own websites, your Myspace, your own reviews, your Youtube movies - whatever. That way we can learn more of what each other is about.

Also, if anyone is willing, I'd like to put out an open invite to share e-mail addresses with each other, to help bridge that gap further. I can understand if you'd rather not put your e-mail address out on a site where any old weirdo can see it, so I'm gonna put mine here and you can e-mail me if you wish (I'm used to weirdo's writing to me - and I'm weirder than all of them).

How did this come up? Well, I was actually scouring my Amazon account when I saw Trashcan Man's Amazon reviews (he's an Amazon friend - that's how he came to be here, fact fans), and I noticed something about his "Wish List" that I wanted to speak to him about - but I couldn't do it easily. And hell, that's just not RIGHT.

So - I'll go first. You already know my site and my reviews (duh), but here's the other major things you can use if you wish.

My e-mail address - www.the_curmudgeon_hates_you@yahoo.co.uk

My Myspace account - http://www.myspace.com/fearthecurmudgeon

My MSN Messenger - terror_of_the_curmudgeon@hotmail.co.uk


Dwellers ASSEMBLE!

Hey, this is The Fortress Of Solitude, man - it's US against THEM.

Funny how?

Let's talk sitcoms.

It's strange that, given the time I've spent on this site and the amount of things we've all talked about, the world of comedy has very rarely (if ever) reared its head. We've talked horror movies, action movies, superhero movies - but never the genre that makes us laugh (intentionally).

Well, you know what? We're not going to talk about comedy movies today either. That's another topic for another day. Today's topic, boys and girls? Sitcoms.

I don't know why, but when the word sitcom pops up, I immediatly think of crass, unfunny, laboured garbage where, if its British, someone's trousers fall down just as their boss walks through the door, or if its American, the audience whoops and cheers as the star of the show enters the room. Either of which is not acceptable comedic fare in The Fortress Of Solitude.

Saying that, I've watched sitcoms for as long as I can remember. From old British standards like Dads Army amd Fawlty Towers to the more age-appropriate classics like Red Dwarf and Blackadder, to American powerhouses like Frasier and Friends. Sitcoms are good. Sitcoms are fun. Sitcoms are a world where problems arise and are solved in 30 minutes, with glib remarks and punchlines every two minutes, all met with the riotous applause from the studio audience (or good ol' canned laughter).

A few years ago, however, I couldn't name a decent sitcom if someone put a gun to my head. Blackadder was long gone, Red Dwarf had become as funny as being tied to a chair while someone swings a big rope at your genitals (thank YOU, Casino Royale) and all we had, from the UK, was dross like My Family and Two Packets Of Crisps and from the US screeching, loathsome garbage like Will And Grace, with only The Simpsons saving me from putting my foot through the television altogether.

Then something changed. Suddenly the word "sitcom" didn't neccesarily have an "h" as its second letter. Suddenly both the UK and the US were producing some high quality, laugh a minute stuff, with brilliant writing, superb acting and loveable, realistic characters. And seeminlgy the key to all of this? No laughing.

That's right - the cosy "set up, set up, punchline - laugh" world was gone, embraced by the likes of The Office, Scrubs, Arrested Development and (for the third series) The League Of Gentlemen. This wasn't your family friendly 8pm stuff though - some of the comedy coming out now was near the knuckle (Curb Your Enthusiam being a prime example). Put simply - sitcoms are cool again.

So here's my question for you all:

Favourite sitcom of all time AND favourite current sitcom.

The Curmudgeon's would have to be... hmmm.. Blackadder and Arrested Development. I've only seen the first season of it and I loved every minute of it.

Others....?

Fortress Of Solitude: Exclusive Interview

The Curmudgeon talks to horror expert Calum Waddell.

With one award nominated book, (and another on the way), writing for the likes of SFX and Fangoria magazine, travelling to the Cannes festival, appearing on DVD commentaries and documentaries and breaking his acting duck as a priest in The Raven, it’s safe to say that horror aficionado and all round decent bloke Calum Waddell is one busy boy. But is he too busy for an EXCLUSIVE interview with Tbe Curmudgeon? Not a chance. So I invited Calum to The Fortress Of Solitude for a chat and he agreed.

The stupid peasant villagers warned him not to visit The Fortress, crossing themselves at the mere mention of it. I had to.. er, I mean, I had to get my driver to pick him up at the half way point, and then he was in the Fortress hallway, wide-eyed and shivering. We sat at the table and I poured him a drink. None for me, though. I never drink… wine. It gives me gas.

We talked for hours of many things; of movies, of books and interviews and movie stars and, oh yes, Calum revealed to me his deathly fear of…. rabbits.

Join us, won’t you?



What films and directors have made you so passionate about the horror genre?

Well the first horror director whose work I fell in love with was probably Wes Craven. As a child I loved A Nightmare on Elm Street and then Shocker and Deadly Friend - two films I'm sure Wes wishes he hadn't made, although I still think Shocker has its moments. I remember I had to turn off The Hills Have Eyes when I was 12 because it disturbed me so badly. At about 11 I think I became more aware of John Carpenter too - and then I got into George Romero and the special effects work of Tom Savini and Rick Baker, which was down to Fangoria magazine more than anything else. These are the guys that made me fall in love with what a good horror film could achieve. It wasn't until I was 16 or so that I really discovered Dario Argento, Tobe Hooper and Stuart Gordon, although I rate all three filmmakers highly.

So who was YOUR first interview with? And were you nervous?

It was with Jean Rollin, who is a fairly cult name and really obscure to those who don't follow Euro-shock so I wasn't really nervous at all. Although I do remember pouring over the questions at length because I didn't want to fuck up - hahaha! I've never been nervous interviewing anyone to date, I'd have to get a new job if I was!

In your first book, Minds Of Fear, you list 30 Cult Classics of horror. What was the 31st that just didn't make the cut?

Good question. It was actually Jack Hill's Spider Baby but as I'm eventually going to do a book dedicated to his work I decided not to bother putting it in there. I also flirted with Ulli Lommel's The Boogeyman which scared the crap out of me when I first saw it but, although he is now ironically one of my best friends in the industry, I didn't know how to get in touch with him when I was doing Minds of Fear. How times change eh?

You've met and interviewed some pretty big names in the past (a few being Grade-A Fortress Heroes), but if you could meet one icon of cinema, be it an actor, writer or director - who would it be?

I'd love to meet Lauren Bacall because she is the greatest star alive. Listen, she does this little "jig" at the very end of her first film To Have and Have Not. She's not wearing anything revealing, right? I mean this is 1944, okay? And yet she's walking out of this bar in Martinique - the bar that Humphrey Bogart stays in. So she's walking out and she does this little "jig" and I'm fucking telling you that this is the sexiest goddamn thing you've ever seen. Five years after one of the greatest screen debuts ever Bacall had made The Big Sleep and Key Largo - now you tell me someone, who is still with us, who can boast to a career like that? She wasn't even 30 and she had conquered the world man! I'd want to ask her why the hell she worked with Michael Winner though...

Your new book, Taboo Breakers, deals with movies that broke boundaries and caused jaws to drop. Do you think there can still be movies made that cause shock, outrage and controversy - or have we seen it all before?

Yeah there can - look at the fuss over Hostel!! I think that Hostel was a bit smarter than some people gave it credit for, you know? You got this story about these guys who are screwing hot girls and they are total assholes okay? But then half way through Eli Roth goes and has all the guys being tortured. Now answer me this - when Jay Hernandez is tied to that chair and he's puking and screaming and begging for his life - how often do you see that? Horror movies are so commonly about hacking up women, right? And Eli went and totally subverted that, which I thought was really cool because it was refreshing and put the first half of the movie in proper perspective. I saw Wolf Creek which I thought was misogynistic crap - I was outraged by how much that film seemed to be about an outright attack on screaming females whose characters are not fleshed out and exist only be chased and killed. I almost walked out when he snapped that girl's spine - that really offended me. I thought the same about The Lost and H6 - that stupid, pointless Spanish serial killer movie. So I still get shocked! But the movies I've mentioned just shock me because they are so devoid of heart or humanity and when a horror movie loses that you've got nothing left...

You've mentioned before that your next book will be about the works of Jack Hill, (director of the likes of Coffy and Foxy Brown). Did you intentionally choose a relatively less well-known director over the likes of Craven and Carpenter?

Well the definitive book on John Carpenter has been done. It's called The Prince of Darkness: John Carpenter and it's by Gilles Boulenger. I interviewed John when the book came out and my chat with him appeared in an old issue of Dreamwatch, which was pretty cool. I can also make you jealous by telling you that John, Irwin Yablans and the late Moustapha Akkad personally signed my copy too - hahaha! So, anyway, there's no point in anyone - ever - doing another book on Carpenter. I don't know Mr. Boulenger but it's the final word on hs movies and I have no issues at all for vouching for that book, it's really great. Craven has been done too - I'd tell anyone to seek out Screams and Nightmares by Brian Robb and I know that Brian is currently seeking to update it so why retread on old ground? I felt Jack has a legacy that is hugely underappreciated - he introduced African-American stuntmen to the business, he launched Pam Grier who was the first really successful black actress and his work has inspired guys like Francis Ford Coppola, Jonathan Demme, Rob Zombie and Quentin Tarantino. Plus, Spider Baby was the first "backwoods" horror movie - before Texas ChainSaw and The Rocky Horror Show but all of this is widely ignored, yet here is this amazing legacy in cinema. So that was really my reason for picking Jack - I always wanted to read a book about his movies and no one had ever done one. I think that, outside of his best known work, there's also some great stories in there - Jack worked with Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney in the last days of their careers, apprenticed with Roger Corman, directed Jack Nicholson, discovered Grier, Sid Haig and Ellen Burstyn - how can you not love this story? That's why my book will be called THE MADDEST STORY EVER TOLD. You can expect it in 2007 and it has the full involvement of Jack and the great Sid Haig.

With plot leaks, spoilers and piracy - do you think the internet has damaged cinema?

Downloads HAVE damaged cinema and really piss me off. There is something special about having a DVD in your hands or watching a new movie in the cinema. I just don't get the appeal in downloading, and I have friends who are offenders of this. I almost always refuse to borrow the movies they download - and if it's a new blockbuster I refuse outright, as should anyone. I'm not crying crocodile tears for the rich buggers losing money - I just think film is a medium that should be appreciated properly and seeing a crappy copy of anything doesn't fill me with happiness...


Can you remember the first time a film frightened you?

It was actually Watership Down. I saw it when I was five at the same time my family thought I was ready for An American Werewolf in London, The Evil Dead, Creepshow and such video nasties as Bloody Moon and Night of the Demon - the bigfoot one where a guy is massacred while taking a wee! But none of them had the effect that Watership Down had, which scared me and left me in tears. It is a really harrowing movie and, to this day, I'd sooner put myself through I Spit on your Grave than Watership Down. That this is a PG rated movie which any unsuspecting parent can still give to their child beggars belief.

What decade do you think was the most important for horror films? The pioneering 30's, the shlocky 50's, the franchise inventing 70's or... what?

It was actually the 1960s because you had Psycho, which is the most important horror film ever made, and then you had Night of the Living Dead, which is the second most important horror film ever made. The vast legacy in Italian and Japanese horror really began too - with Mask of Satan (1960) and Onibaba (1964) respectively. On top of that you had the launch of the gore movie with Blood Feast in 1963 and the decade also launched Francis Ford Coppola and Peter Bogdanovich, who began their careers in horror and went on to make some of the most important films of the seventies (Coppola also made three of the greatest films ever in The Godfather 1 and 2 and Apocalypse Now). I also think the trend for modern special effects began with Planet of the Apes - not a horror movie per se but it has shades of the genre and it led to the Academy recognising makeup effects. I know that guys such as Rick Baker, Stan Winston and Phil Tippet admit that Planet of the Apes inspired them - they all personally told me that.

Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Michael Myers.. once and for all - who is the greatest movie monster?

Freddy obviously - because he speaks and his story actually makes sense. Plus, there's only been a couple of really pisspoor Freddy sequels - the rest are fairly redeemable. The legacies of the other "monsters" don't make any logical sense because they change from sequel to sequel. I thought Jason Goes to Hell was a good attempt to sort the Friday the 13th schtick out but everyone else hated it so what the hell do I know? Of all the monsters, old or otherwise, I like the Karloff Frankenstein series.

Although the horror genre is still very popular, the majority of major hitters nowadays are either remakes of older movies or Westernised takes of Japanese films. Do you think there are any good, original ideas left in Hollywood?

Yeah, I do. I think the studios tend to know what they are doing most of the time but realise that putting out a film is an expensive risk. You can minimise that risk, obviously, with a franchise or a remake of a "name" film. Making movies is just too damn expensive now and with people's jobs on the line I guess the majors need to always tread carefully in regards to what is green lit. But in terms of original horror - Saw, The Devil's Rejects, Hostel, The Descent and The Exorcism of Emily Rose were all pretty big hits and original stories. Now, I didn't like ALL of these films - and each one was certainly derivative - but they were new stories with new characters (although Rejects was a sort-of sequel to House of 1000 Corpses I guess) and showed that there is an audience for new ideas... The reason so many Asian films are being (often badly) remade is because the majority of English speaking audiences still refuse to watch subtitled pictures. This is really baffling to me because the best horror pic of 2006 was The Host and the original Dark Water is umpteen times better than the Dreamworks version.


With remakes in mind, which movie do you think could do with a fresh spin and what beloved classic are you secretly hoping studios won't touch?

I'd like to see a new version of movies that weren't that great first time around but which have the potential to be very scary in the right hands. I think The Burning would be good (and the Weinsteins own it!) or Zombie Flesh Eaters (which could benefit from better acting, a jacked up pace and improved effects). I'd like to see a version of American Psycho which could maintain the books hilarity but stop short of turning Bateman into a complete goon (in the novel he's terrifying). It's tricky though because the book reads like the genuine thoughts of a misogynistic nutter so cutting down the gore might not have been a bad thing... but, yeah, another take would be interesting. I hope they never remake An American Werewolf in London.

Lastly, as this is the Irresponsible Hate Monger's website - the worst horror movie ever. Name it.

Oh man I can't do this! Ha ha ha! There are tons of really boring, badly made low budget titles in my head right now but, you know, making a movie on such a tight budget is really hard and I guess you gotta support that. I would say if someone wants to see how to do it right check out The Collingswood Story which magazines as esteemed as SFX and Empire gave rave reviews to. I'm not just saying that because I'm credited on it either! I can certainly think of one particular Brit horror film from recent years that almost sent me to sleep and is a total waste of tax payer's money - it's utterly AWFUL - but the guy who made it meant well. But I don't want to totally rip it to shreds, you know? However, I have no apologies for criticising when a horror film lapses into brutal, unapologetic misogyny - which I think is utterly offensive. I switched off a film called Nutbag because it was misogynistic trash. I saw bits, just bits, of the director's follow-up film Murder Set Pieces and it was more of the same - naked, pretty women being pointlessly, graphically killed. I don't have any time for that and I hope more fans show good taste by avoiding that sort of thing. Even if a horror movie really bores me or sucks it's when it starts to just go for the blood and boobs route - and portrays a really sickening, regressive attitude towards female sexuality - that I get fed up. It's surprising how the people who makes these movies cry about censorship when the morality behind them is as conservative as the viewpoints of any of the people calling for them to be burnt...

Suddenly – wolves howl. Lightning cracks in the cold night sky and Calum cowers in his seat. It is time for my guest to leave, he has been in my acursed company long enough and I can see him eyeing the door with some genuine urgency. This, however, is The Fortress Of Solitude and I am The Curmudgeon, and so we cannot let our guest leave JUST yet without inflicting some suitable form of torment. And as he is a horror expert, what better way than to subject him to the most mind-bending, horrific abomonation ever…? Cue the frightened bunnies!

“Briiiight Eyes….”


Minds Of Fear can be bought here

Taboo Breakers is released by Telos Publishing in mid 2007.

The Maddest Story Ever Told: The Films Of Jack Hill is released in 2007, date to be announced.

The Raven can be bought here

And you can also buy The Collingswood Story (Calum Waddell - Associate Producer) here

The HORROR!

Could YOU live without the internet?

First of all, this isn't an admission on my behalf, or a presumption on yours, that we spend every waking moment on the net, or that our lives revolve around the clatter of keys and the gentle hum of a computer.

I know we don't. But dear God I LOVE the internet. Love it. When it comes to greatest inventions ever, I think the internet kicks that damned wheel into second place. No matter what you're into the internet can make it more enjoyable.

Everything I enjoy, everything I'm interested in has been made so much better thanks to the net.

Music? The day I got the internet I managed to track down a Placebo CD single that I just could not get anywhere else, and I had trawled stores, second hand stores and classified ads in newspapers for this record - and I got it from Amazon for the same price as a regular CD single. Then there's websites by and about the artists or bands you like - and buying tickets for gigs (one of my main hobbies) is no trouble at all, whereas in The Olden Days I used to have to travel into town for the one place that sold tickets - if they had any. Yes, the net has increased my music listening tenfold, and that's without getting into discovering new bands and (legal) downloads.

Films - Again, the net has made being into movies far more accessible and enjoyable. I have a literal WORLD of choice about what I can buy now, where it used to be just what the shops in town had. And getting the best version of a DVD (usually Region One, you lucky Americans) is simplicity, thanks to the websites dedicated to informing you of the best choice of disc. Then there's discussion groups, the IMDB, online trailers.. we really are spoiled.

Comic Books - As I've said before, I don't buy a million comics or anything like that, but the set half dozen I do buy I can now catch any issues I may have missed thanks to ebay. And then there's the websites dedicated to Marvel, DC etc and the fan art, screensavers, character databases and the chance to own some older rarer comics that you've have to go to specialist stores for.


I could go on - but you get the idea. The internet makes the important time of your life - your spare time, all the more sweet. You can talk to people who have the same interests as you, find out anything and everything, buy rare and long deleted items, book holidays, gigs, movies - hell, even find love.

The internet ain't perfect. For all it's qualities there's a whole seedy world that we all know about, where race hate, child abuse and God knows what else is bigger than it's ever been, not to mention the threatening domination of piracy which could snuff out pretty much every good thing I just mentioned.

But that's the negative side. As it stands - yeah, I COULD live without the internet but damn I'd miss it. I'm on the net for at least an hour a day and, seriously, I couldn't imagine life without it. Is that sad?

Thoughts?

Blogger Jogging!

Taking a stroll through Blogspot.com

Small history lesson: when I first started this site I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I wanted to start a site where I could shoot my mouth off about anything and everything and have like-minded people join in the fun. So Blogspot came up on a search engine, it was free and pretty simple and - lo - the best kept secret of the Internet was born.

It's only recently I've actually began looking around at OTHER people's blogs (yeah, there are some out there believe it or not) and, as of today, began commenting on some of them. It's what I like to call Blogger Jogging, and its a sport that can open up whole new words of banality.

Seriously, you want to read some of this shit. Pointless anecdotes about people's lives (someone wrote about 1000 words on "the most hilarious day she's had in weeks" - when she was locked out of her house until she knocked on the window. A site dedicated to Mariah Carey ("everyone should go out and buy a Mariah Carey CD if you have one" - yup, I have NO idea what that means).

There are some gems, of course ("Vitriol For Dummies" looks pretty cool), but for the most part The Curmudgeon has been doing what The Curmudgeon does best - insult idiots.

So a quick heads up - you may well find the site has a few retaliation posts from these morons. If there are any "fuk U U fag" posts we'll know where they've came from.

If you have a quick Blog Jog yourself and find any tragic blogs, do let me know on here and I'll check them out for myself. And hey, if it spreads the good word of The Fortress in the meantime, that can't be a bad thing, right...?

Review 110: Celion Dion and Barbara Streisand - Tell Him

Two meglomaniacal harpies for the price of one - thanks for that

Now, normally I don't go on about a particular rubbish artist more than once. I make the odd exception if they're REALLY bad (The Darkness springs to mind) but I find that once is enough; it would get a bit tedious if I were to rate every single and album by a band or singer just to reiterate the fact they're atrocious. So I gave enormous necked super-bore Celine Dion a one star review in the past, which meant I wasn't going to focus on the rest of the musical bilge she polluted the charts with. But I decided to bend the rules for THIS monstrous single, a duet between the singing giraffe and Babs Streisand - surely a pairing the world doesn't deserve.

So what MADE me bend the rules to fit in this single? It's a sub-par snore, certainly no better or worse than anything Celine has put out before. Simple - the video. A teeth-grindingly irritating, hateful video which shows our two warblers singing together in a studio, as if they're the best of chums. It's been done before, certainly, but never as genuinely loathsome as this, the look of "surprise" on their faces as they hear how wonderful they are. Like "woah, way to hit that high note, girlfriend!" even though they're quite obviously miming over a pre-recorded song. Mechanecks bulging eyes lighting up as she "feels" the words she never wrote, Bab's nostrils flaring with every over-egged, preposterous vocal - it's one of the most dumb-foundingly awful things you'll ever see. Feelings of violence towards Celine Dion are nothing new, but this video brings out more maniacal urges than the Overlook Hotel.

Barbara Streisand, welcome to the Official Room 101 of Amazon.com. Celine - you're now a two-time veteran. Your rubbish music is one thing, but make another video like THIS abomination and you'll be hitting the hat-trick.

Review 109: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

I'd best don my flame-proof coat now..

Oh God, I just KNOW I'm going to get no end of abuse for this review. But hey, I gotta tell it like I see it - and I've seen Crouching Tiger and I gotta tell you - it sucks donkeys.

The Curmudgeon doesn't get sucked in by hype often, but I really was with this film. I read everywhere that it was basically the resurrection on film. So I bought it without ever seeing it. Last time I do that, then.

Now, OK - the fight sequences. This is all people EVER talk about in this film, so I guess I should give first mention to it. They are VERY impressive, without a hint of CGI rubbish or blue screen. They look fantastic - and it's a crying, pitiful shame they weren't in a movie of more worth.

Because let's face it - take away the jaw-dropping fighting scenes and what do you have? A dull, plodding tale of "honour" that's about as interesting as counting peas in a bag. And while we're on the subject, there was never any explanation as to WHY these fights were so spectacular. Ordinary village girl meets masked assassin guy, and suddenly they're running up trees and floating in the air. Did I miss something?

And how to say this without sounding racist? Hmmm.. tough call but I'll try - the director really SHOULD have tried to make the characters more distinctive. Watching "bald guy in pyjamas fighting other bald guy in pyjamas" can be a bit confusing. Not saying they all look the same or anything but hells bells - give one of them a hat or something.

Like I said, I know I'm going to catch it for this review, but it really is a perfect example of style over substance. Nice effects, but no story, character of anything else of merit make this one to see using scene select only.

Sigh - the e-mail address is at the bottom..

Review 108: Pussycat Dolls - Beep

#

More music for simple-minded idiots.

Sigh. Sometimes you wonder why you really bother even switching on these damn music channels at all. See, I refuse to listen to the radio, so keeping up to date with current music means having to trawl through the utter crap that MTV and The Box etc bombard stupid kids with. But look on the bright side, without them I would never have heard of half of the things I've reviewed, and THEN where would we be?

Anyway - Pussycat Dolls. Or, to put it another way, The Tall, Attractive (In A "Could Be A Guy Way") Brunette And Her Pointless Partners, who strut and roll around and dance but DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE. Honestly, for those who thought Beyonce was the key wheel in Destiny's Child have seen nothing when it comes to this group. Talk about money for nothing. Unreal.

"Beep", then. So called because it has so many supposed "naughty" words that they felt the need to "Beep" it out before the radio does. Ha ha, isn't that hilarious? Nope, it sure ain't, especially when there's no rhyme on earth that could possibly work for "I don't give a (BEEP), keep looking at my (BEEP), It don't mean a thing if you're looking at my (BEEP) I'm gonna do my thing while you're playing with your (BEEP)".

It just doesn't work. You know, I just cut and pasted that from a website and I already feel the need to go out and kill children. Honestly, what kind of DRIVEL are people buying these days? Not to mention the "Hmm.. can't think of another rhyme there, so let's just put lots of HA HA HA HA HA HA" noises instead. Brilliant, eh? Maybe it's subliminal, and its the writers of the song (not these brain-dead bimbos, of course) laughing at the cross-eyed mouthbreathers who bought this junk. A sort of "ha ha, it's true, if we play this video on The Box often enough, you'll get brainwashed into buying it. And why's that? Because you're a MORON! HA HA HA HA HA!" It would score points with me if it were, anyway.

The Pussycat Dolls run of bad singles is on an impressive downward spiral, getting worse every time. "Dontcha" was rubbish, "Stickwitchu" was awful - this is borderline CRIMINAL. One can only shake their head at the people who buy this, who accept this as music. If you bought this you don't deserve to even own a computer to be reading this now. I wouldn't wipe my feet on you.

Review 107: Nelly - Grillz

Music for idiotz.

Hey, here's JUST what the bloated, boring hip-hop scene needs - yet another song about money and bling, exactly the same as every other piece of crap released by every other unoriginal idiot in the last ten years.

But this is different in one way at least - it's bragging about how much money, women etc they all have (funny how every one of them is so mirror-shatteringly ugly they would make The Elephant Man look like Brad Pitt - how DO they get all these beautiful girls to hang around them? You think they were paid models or something), but it's probably a great deal worse than any other cut and paste hip hop rubbish - because it's trying (and failing) to start another woeful rap trend that every dead-eyed, Follow The Leader kid will want to copy.

They have diamond encrusted mouth shields and braces. Oh, I'm sorry - that word isn't "gangsta" enough - these are Grillz. Not Grills, of course, because this is Nelly and all of his songs have to be spelled phonetically for absolutely no reason at all. So if you were ever worried that hip-hop had become an ugly parody of itself, insulting and forgetting the very purpose that the original artists had, there's always the likes of talentless chancers like Nelly to remind you that your worries were totally accurate. He brings in some of his equally witless friends to fill in the gaps, with some more tedious by-the-numbers rapping. Honestly, one day people will look back on this vapid, monotonous genre and LAUGH.

So a song about wearing gum shredding expensive braces. And people bought it and it was a bit hit. Do you sometimes think it would be better if a comet stuck the earth and killed every single one of us?

Review 106: Chico - It's Chico Time

Guaranteed child molester hits number one. Oh the humanity.

This years X Factor, not that I watched it, of course, provided us with quite simply the worst "talent" to pollute the charts to date. Of course we get bland no-mark Shayne Ward hitting number one with his boyband B-side, and the other trolls are soon to come out of from under the bridge of ghastliness, each more adonyne and pointless than the last.

Now, maybe I'm making some kind of error - isn't it just the WINNER that has the "X Factor" and so only the WINNER should release records? Did I miss something? I mean, what else could all the money they fleece out of the poor, stupid morons voting be for? Ah yes - to line the companies pockets to fund yet more dreck like X Factor. I forgot.

Now let's move on to Chico, the running joke of X Factor. He could barely sing, and was only in it because, uh, he had a comedy foreign accent, a silly name and stupid dances. Right. So he HAS to have a record deal, right? And, because the people who WATCH X Factor are mindless cretins, it HAS to get to number one because there are so MANY mindless cretins who watch it. It's crushing, it really is.

So, the song is a children's style party song. If in doubt, check the video where he dances with kids. This is probably an attempt to rid all memory of the fact he used to be a Chippendale, so instead of a sexy singer they instead have a sexless, Peter Pan style loveable fool. Just a pity it's not so much "Peter Pan" as "Neverland" - the Michael Jackson version. Still, this tosh is guaranteed to be bought by the funny-tied office buffoon who thinks "it's just fun", to be bought by stupid kids who don't know any better and basically anyone who doesn't have one single quality record in their entire collection, merely consisting of compilation albums and more reality television spawned atrocities.

I notice on the B-side that Chico covers "Kiss" by Prince, which now means I can publicly offer $1,000,000 to anyone who brings me his head on a stick. That this song is sung by this creepy, bug-eyed no-doubt kiddie fiddler is perhaps the greatest crime of all. Crush, kill, destroy.

Fortress Of Solitude Safety Warning!

Public Opinion can be bad for your health!

For those of you who joined The Curmudgeon after reading some of his Amazon reviews, you may well be familiar with THIS:

“Everyone is entitled to an opinion."

Ever heard that phrase? Well, trust me, after reading a few of the "reviews" on this website, you'll agree with The Curmudgeon - no, they are not.”

I believe that when I first started writing my reviews and, more than ever, I believe it now. Now, The Curmudgeon doesn’t include the loyal Fortress Dwellers among that lot; the passionate, clever and witty opinions of you guys are what keep The Fortress alive. That and me writing it, of course.

No, the public opinion I am talking about is that of the clueless, easily pleased masses, the sort of masses that vote in all these End Of Year polls, along with The Best Song Ever and Best Album Ever polls. You know the sort of thing I mean. The Curmudgeon used to love watching and reading these things, but lately its just something I’ve had to force myself to keep away from for the good of my own health. I can feel the blood pulsing in my eyeballs when I read some of these things now.

And why is that? Well, according to The Public..

1. In a list of Most Influential Artists, Bez (the famously talentless “dancer” from The Happy Mondays, who didn’t write any songs, who didn’t sing any songs and who didn’t play any instruments, only danced like a drug addict on stage), was higher up the list of Influential Artists than Prince.

2. Will Young, a Pop Idol winner who had just released his first solo single, was voted number ONE in Best Male Artist Of All Time.

3. The Best Single Of All Time was recently won by Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars”, which was released about two months ago.

4. In The Top Ten Movies Of All Time, The Lord of The Rings trilogy takes up three entries (with “Fellowship” being number one).

5. In the (now much derided) Record Of The Year, the boyband Westlife scooped the award with their by-the-books cover of the Barry Manilow song “Mandy”, which was number one about a month before the award.

6. In the Greatest Artist Of All Time, just ahead of Leonardo Da Vinci at number one was...... Rolf Harris.


This is just a small example of the knuckle-chewing howlers the idiotic public are responsible for. It seems that these polls are filled in by morons who seem to think the last thing they listened to is the Best Thing Ever. And we, as genuine and passionate fans of music and movies, have to yell at the TV or tear up the magazine that these abominations are published in.

The only opinion polls of any worth are written by critics or experts of the genre. In the end you may not agree with what wins or loses, but you can accept it as a learned opinion from someone who actually has a clue what they’re talking about, not the “what did I buy last” gibberish from the great unwashed.

So this is a public safety announcement from The Fortress Of Solitude; the next time you see another Best Of All Time list or TV show – be careful. Find out who’s casting the votes. If it says “As Voted For By YOU” – rest assured it is not by “you” or anyone even remotely like you. Run away, far away - you may well live longer.

Party Time!

The Fortress wishes you a Happy New Year. Just don't over-do it...


Well, that's 2006 pretty much wrapped up, and so its time to close The Fortress doors for a few days while I get very, very drunk indeed.

I actually don't mind the overall sense of New Year. I far prefer its sentiment, that of looking back over the year and looking towards the forthcoming one, over the bloated, cash hungry mess that Christmas has become.

Well, 2006 was the year that I started this little site, and while its not exactly going to give Google a run for its money, I'd like to think we're all part of something pretty cool. The regular visitors here are JUST the sort of people I was hoping would join; smart, funny and into cool stuff. Hopefully 2007 will see a few more step through those doors.

Hell, 2006 was a very important year for regular contributor Invisible Wolfman, as he told us all himself here. I had to walk away from the site a few times because of my University studies, but it looks like that paid off. I got my results back for this year and I passed, with distinction no less. So expect a few more sabbaticals in 07. A pain I know, but what can you do?

Anyway, I'm signing off for the last time this year. Time to get my dancing shoes on and go pound the hell out of my liver. Whatever you're doing for New Year, Loyal Dwellers - make sure you have a good time doing it.

I'll see you in 2007.

Woooooooooooooh!

Fantastic Four 2: Rise Of The Silver Surfer - The Trailer is HERE!

Let's face it - the first FF movie was nothing to write home about. Flimsy characters, dodgy plot, lack of attention to detail (what exactly WERE Doctor Doom's powers? Did they want another Magneto?) In fact, the best bit in the whole damn film was Jessica Alba stripping down to her underwear. Which, admittedly, would be a hard act to follow in any film.

But they may just have got it right with this one. The Silver Surfer looks set to steal the show - as Johnny rightfully says.. "ohhh, that's cool!"

Thoughts?

Merry Christmas from The Curmudgeon.

Don't worry - the nightmare is almost over.

Well, the shopping is done (and I got off with a pretty stress-free shopping experience this year, actually), the gifts are wrapped and it's almost Christmas Eve. So that means I'll be heading back to the Birthplace Of The Curmudgeon for a few days, and closing the Fortress doors for a festive break.

Now, I don't go around wishing just anyone "Merry Christmas". Hell, I AM The Curmudgeon, you know. But hey - this is MY site - The Fortress Of Solitude - and YOU are here, which makes you pretty damn cool, and deserving of a Christmas that is, by all accounts, Merry.

So whatever you're doing, however you're spending the 25th of December - I hope you all have a blast, and I hope you'll be back on this here site on the 27th.

You know you want that too.

Get ready to drool..

The Transformers Trailer is HERE!

Now, I realise I may be setting myself up for a BIG fall. The words "movie" and "Michael Bay" very rarely sit well with the Irresponsible Hate Monger (well, except The Rock and Con Air, obviously - everything else has sucked). But, who knows, he may well have caught lightning in a bottle with this franchise. And WHAT a franchise.

Transformers. On paper it could never work. But with todays technology and special effects (and THIS is a movie that will benefit from loads of CGI) it could look awesome.

And you know what? It sure does..

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/transformers_hd.html

I know you don't see an awful lot (it is a trailer, after all) but what's there on the screen looks mighty impressive so far. I think its a good idea that there aren't too many Transformers/Decepticons (same idea as X-Men I suppose - you don't want to fill the movie with characters that will end up getting five minutes of screen time).

Spider-Man 3 - most eagerly anticipated movie of 2007? Meet your competition.

Christmas Movies!

What's YOUR favourite?

First of all, I apologise for THAT image. No-one ever said venturing into The Fortress was risk-free.

Christmas is almost upon us and you know what? I'm actually rather looking forward to it. Its always the same - once the present buying and the cards and all that shit gets out of the way, its not a bad time at all. What, spending time with my family, getting presents and getting drunk? What's not to like about that?

Anyway, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without Christmas MOVIES. When you really think about it, its staggering to think just how many there actually are - some good, some bad - some downright hideous. Here's good ol' Wikipedia with a helpful reminder to get your brain running..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Christmas_films

Its a weird genre because not all Christmas films are 100% about Christmas per se, unlike, say, Santa Claus: The Movie or Miracle On 34th Street. Over in Britain, the James Bond movies have become something of a Christmas staple, as has the likes of Wizard Of Oz and, I'm sure will become a tradition - Harry Potter. Not Christmas movies at all, but something everyone enjoys watching at this time of year.

So what's your favourite Christmas movie? I think mine has to be Gremlins. Not an immediately obvious choice, I suppose, but its still a wickedly enjoyable satire and even now in the days of CGI the Gremins themselves still look awesome. Best bit? When they're out carol singing and then all cackle and plump back down into the snow and scurry off. Just a brilliant, funny family film - full of enough wit, action and "awwww" moments for everyone to enjoy.

So that's The Curmudgeon's pick of festive films. And yours.....?

Yup, more Christmas stuff...

So what do YOU want for Christmas?

First of all, a hearty apology for the lack of any new posts over the last week or so. This is due to a few things I won't go into, but mostly its down to that most dreaded of all things - Christmas shopping. Yes, call me a hypocrite if you will, that after blasting Christmas and the hollow, cynical cash-hungry farce it is - and THEN fuelling that very same farce, but there is one very good reason for this. I have a wife.

Now, I'm not so delusional to think I'm not the only one who's going to wake up to new stuff on the 25th (and hey - even The Curmudgeon doesn't mind the actual day itself when it comes), so now's the time to tell us all what you're hoping to get from your partner/parents/whatever.

Now, this WOULD be the time when I would ask, in that stupid voice, if "you've been a good boy this year", but I don't have to for a few very good reasons. 1. You're in The Curmudgeon's Fortress Of Solitude - this entitles you to anything you want; be it gifts, cars or sex. And 2. I'm not a dick.

I think I'm the easiest person in the world to buy presents for. Seriously, I'm into SO much shit that it's almost impossible not to walk into a store and see something you could buy me. My wife has bunched a frightening looking amount of gifts under our tree for little ol' me (well, I'm worth it), and so far I don't know what any of them are. Well, with one exception..

Because it was too big to take to my parents house on Christmas Eve (and because I think she just wanted me to open it) I got THIS gift early..

http://www.roboraptoronline.com/

Yup, just what someone my age needs. You know what though? It's AWESOME. Seriously - it's as good as the advert makes it look. Man, my cat’s days are NUMBERED with this thing.

Other than that? I don't really know. Like I said, I like so much stuff I have no idea what she's got me. The one thing I hope she's got me ('cos I get the annual instalment) is WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2007 for the PS2. Why, it just wouldn't be Christmas without it.

But that's just me. Come on, boys and girls, sit on The Curmudgeon's lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.

Actually, get off. I'm getting "feelings."

Sorry I'm miserable. It's my time of the year.

Ho Ho .. huh.

It's like a curse.

Someone always says it.. like impending doom it creeps up on you.. "not long now 'till Christmas!"

Ever notice how people ask "are you all set for Christmas?" "You got everything ready for Christmas?" People don't look forward to Christmas anymore - they prepare for it, they get ready and set themselves up for it. What is it - a war? A famine? Nope - it's far worse.

Christmas becomes more of an ugly, joyless commercial nightmare every year. It's not for religion anymore, hasn't been for years, but it's barely even for families anymore. It's for retailers, businesses and companies. "A very merry Christmas to you, Mr Sainsbury. May your tills be simply bulging this year!" "And the same to you, Mr Mark, and you Mr Spencer! May your profits soar at this very, very special time. God bless us, one and all! Ker-chinnng!"

Stores close for ONE day now. ONE. Yet every near-sighted panicky idiot stocks up on food like they're in 28 Days Later. New reports state that we're going to spend more this year than any other year, and I bet that record will be smashed come December 2007. You've got to love the irony of a million gluttons waiting in line at the supermarket with more food than they could ever possibly eat, as the cynical, depressing supermarket Muzak pipes out "Feed The World."

Every year, the point and the sentiment to Christmas gets more and more lost. Even in the little things like, say; Christmas cards. To send to your loved ones and friends, right? Wrong. Send to every person you know, every person you work with, so it's not so much a list of friends and family but a conveyer belt of everyone you've ever met. And you can always tell the cards that are written by people who give in to the "right, who do I know..?" pressure - because they write so many of the damned things, there's no cheery greeting written inside, (or even "To" for that matter), it's just thier impersonal scrawl at the bottom. Basically, "Merry Christmas - here's my autograph."

Not one to bang on about religion, but Christmas Calendars are SUPPOSED to have 24 days in them, the countdown till His birth and all that? Right, you with me on that one? OK - but look - the big companies have scrapped that - recently they started putting a "special" chocolate for Christmas Day. Now though, through progress and mankinds greed, there's now a chocolate for every day until the 31st! How excellent! So what are we counting down now exactly? The start of the January Sales? Oh wait - how stupid of me. They start on Boxing Day now.

You can forget about listening to good music come December too. Every funny tie office ponce, housewife, stupid kid and basically people who don't buy records all year will buy the stupid novelty single that record companies inevitably churn out, be it Mr Blobby, Hamster Dance, Bob The Builder or some other worthless dogshit. In fact, scrap "good music" for "new music", because the radio stations wipe the dust off the same old ancient tunes year after year. You won't hear any new bands folks, because, heyyyy - "It's Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaas".

There is not one single good thing left about Christmas. It is quite simply the most wretched, cynical, hateful time of year. A time where a nation's greed and stupidity reach record highs, where people spend money they don't have on shit they don't need, all in that cloying, feeble excuse "well... it IS Christmas".

If you like Christmas - you're an idiot. Simple as that.