The All New Fortress of Solitude is HERE!

Belial says: "This site sucks! Get to the REAL one!"

Hey, you heard the guy. And if any of you are wondering who that actually IS, it is (of course) the original "like a squashed octopus" character - Belial from the Basket Case movies. I thought it only fitting his face was the last thing posted on here.

What's that? The LAST thing? Yes indeed - hey, I wasn't just counting down nothing you know. This site is now DEAD. Dead as a dog in a pit (a million non-dollars to anyone who can name that reference). As you all know, I've been working on a new, better, faster, easier to use and far, far more accessible Fortress of Solitude. And now it's ready for all to see.

So I won't chat away on here, because this place has served its purpose. All it remains for me to say is a big THANK YOU to ANYONE who has posted on here over the last year, but in particular the Loyal Dwellers who have helped keep this place relevant. Invisible Wolfman, Hackers Anonymous, Ben, Trashcanman and Norman Bates - you are forever in The Curmudgeon's Book Of Cool.

But, dammit - why are you still here when there's a far better Fortress waiting? Oh yeah, I haven't given you the details yet. The following website will be the most important thing in your life, as of today.

www.thecurmudgeon.proboards88.com

And that's that. Those Loyal Dwellers I mentioned have already all been e-mailed and should already be there by the time you read this. If for some reason you ARE one of those Dwellers and you haven't got your e-mail, reply to this and I'll see what I can do.

Other than that, it's time for The Irresponsible Hate Monger to sign off from blogspot.com. In the end, you just weren't good enough. Remember that.

To anyone else - don't bother writing any comments to anything you see in here - you won't get a reply. But please DO head over to the new site, where you WILL get a reply.

It's been fun, space travellers. Peace and B Wild.

The Curmudgeon.

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The All New Fortress Of Solitude!

The Countdown Begins!

Almost there..... Almost there...

It's awaaaaaaaaay!


Well... OK. Not quite. But I couldn't resist it. So, uh, "negative, negative."

Just thought I'd give you all another update on how the site is looking so far. I had a bit of a technical hitch with getting images onto the site (they did a magic act - one minute they were there, the next they weren't) but after a few e-mails to your friend and mine Hackers Anonymous I was up and running again.

You know what, though? I'm going to just concentrate on getting all the actual content over there before opening the doors, Willy Wonka style (no creepy falling down stairs dance, though) to you all. So please keep in mind the new Fortress won't be perfect at first - it's still going to need a few licks of paint here and there, but I can do that once things are up and running. THEN when it IS perfect is when I start going on other sites and trying to get new members in.

I've also got my new Voice Of Reason to write and record, not to mention my Uni work and God knows what else, so don't expect it to come overnight.

But it WILL come. Oh yes.

Until then..

This is the end...

My friends. The end.

Sometimes epiphanies can be a bad thing.

Sometimes you take a look around and you DON'T like what you see, what you are and what you do. This is one of those days, and will bring about a major change.

Weird, I had just almost finished porting all the Fortress stuff onto the new site when I suddenly thought "what am I DOING?!" And that's when I decided.

No more Fortress Of Solitude. No more Amazon reviews. No more Voice Of Reason. No more Irresponsible Hate Monger.

No more Curmudgeon.

I spend far too much time on the internet now and, for God's sake, I'm a married man. I need to grow up and move on.

So this is it, friends. Thanks to everyone who's been here over the last year. Thanks for dropping by and saying hi.

For anyone who comes here after reading my Amazon reviews or who has been offended by anything I've said over my time as The Curmudgeon - I apologise. I didn't mean any harm and write whatever I said as petty insecurity.

If anyone else wants to get in touch from time to time, I'll still answer e-mails, so feel free to drop me a line.

Ladies and gentlemen, to quote a great man - it was.. fun. Oh my..





(...................................................................... dies).

EDIT - APRIL FOOLS!

Mind our dust...

The Fortress II - update!


Don't worry, I haven't forgotten you. And I haven't forgotten about The Fortress of Solitude either. Far from it, in fact - I am busily porting over EVERY thread to the new site, as well as adding the regular Dwellers' opinions in.

So here's what's going to happen: the Loyal Dwellers - that being Trashcanman, Ben, Invisible Wolfman and Hackers Anonymous have all ready made accounts. Once I've finished updating the site and everything is in working order - I will e-mail you with the site address and your personal name and password.

Once you log in (changing your password, natch) you'll notice that you've been a busy boy, and your posts are in the dozens or.. well, however much you've wrote on here, really. And then we can begin the dance anew.

You see, I just wasn't prepared for the likes of, say, Hackers Anonymous to have the same zero postcount as some new member, when he's been coming here for almost a year. You all have, and so this is my little effort to show as much.

Anyway, less prattle. I've got work to do, and only a small army of green puppets to help me. Get your asses in gear, you stupid Doozers. MUSH!

The Fortress Of Solitude II

Where it all begins again.

An important announcement, ladies and gentlemen.

OK, I won't kid myself - gentlemen.

OK - guys.

This website that you've come to know and love will soon be dust and ashes. I will soon be closing down this site - forever. And opening a whole new one.

You see, it's no secret I've never been a fan of Blogspot's fairly rigid format. It's just not user-friendly enough for what I want The Fortress to be; a place where we can all air our views whenever we want, and just have random little threads dedicated to simple stuff like a cool link we've found. But over here a new thread is a weekly thing. That's just not good enough.

The final icing on the cake was learning how it's actually fairly difficult to join up and leave messages if you're not already writing a blog of your own. I think joining a site like this is an impulse thing - maybe someone saw one of my reviews and wanted to leave a (good or bad) message. So they come here and have to sign up? Fair enough, the urge is still there - it should only be a matter of filling out a user name. But it's not, and when a few stumbling blocks and red tape get in the way, that urge will quickly disolve.

Also, if this person DOES get through, where do they leave their comments? In a completely unrelated thread? Yeah, sure, they COULD scan down and try and find the original review or whatever and leave some snotty comment (it's happened a couple of times) but who's going to ever see it?

Therefore, I'm moving home to a far, far better site which is EVERYTHING I'm after. Easy to join, once a comment is made in a thread that thread shoots back up to the top - leaving potentially every thread still relevant. Anyone can post pictures at any time in the thread (unlike this one, where one pic at the top is all you've got) and.. well, put it this way - it's going to be great.

Here's some more news - the Loyal Dwellers that have stayed on this site have all contributed opinions and comments, and there's no way I'm going to let them all just rot in this dead site. So, I don't know how YET, but I'm going to find a way of basically re-creating EVERY thread and EVERY comment, replicating the site in all but address.

Sound good? Cool - but it's going to take a little while, so stick with me. I'm still going to post new stuff on here in the meantime (and port that over to the new site when the time comes) but I just thought I'd give you all the heads up.

Get your heart beating faster, people - the best is yet to come.

Dreams. Those little slices of death. How I loathe them...

Your bad dreams - revisited.

I don’t know about anywhere else, but over in the UK the word “nightmare” is tediously over-used. Traffic is a “nightmare”, work today was a “nightmare”. Yet, when REAL nightmares happen they can be far worse than any minor daily mishap.

In the clear-headed light of day, talking about your bad dreams seems a little twee – they’re not real, they didn’t happen and they never will. Yet that horrible, gnawing feeling inside your brain when the nightmare is actually happening, not to mention the real, genuine fear that’s still there when you wake up can certainly be no joke.

So – our bad dreams – our worst ever dreams – let’s talk about them here, shall we? I’ll start the ball rolling with a few of mine.

My worst nightmares over the last few years all have a similar theme, an air of absolute reality mixed with some weird, ghostly stuff. Like, I’ll ALWAYS be lying in bed, dreaming that I’m dreaming (uhh.. yeah). Like, I dream that I’ve just woken up and I’m still lying in bed, thanking God that I’ve woken up and then it all starts happening again and I realise I’m still dreaming. I always start yelling in my dreams (not in my sleep), things like “HELP ME” or “WAKE ME UP” in an effort to actually shout in my sleep and get my wife to wake me. It’s never worked.

The worst nightmare I’ve ever had was about a year and a half ago, and if I stop and think about it I can remember everything about it. It was the usual “dream within a dream” scenario, and I’m lying in bed when suddenly some invisible force picks me up and starts spinning me around the room. My wife is still lying sleeping and I’m yelling at her to help me, but she doesn’t.

So, cue about three different times of me “waking up” (but not really), and this time my wife is sitting up and I’m telling her about my nightmare. She doesn’t speak, only nods. The phone beside the bed rings and I answer it, and suddenly I hear my wife on the other end of the line, crying. Then this fucking AWFUL voice says, “PUT THE PHONE DOWN.” My “wife” now has this weird, creepy grin and I suddenly realise the truth and say; “you’re NOT her” and she screams and lunges over the bed at me, clawing at my eyes, and she chases me through my house making this odd screaming noise the whole time. This time, thankfully, I really DID wake up. I remember lying in bed feeling like I’d been hit by a car.

I had a similar kind of nightmare a few nights ago (hence me getting the idea to write this), where that horrible unseen ghost thing attacked me again, but this time it started pulling me to the bottom of the bed, and again my shouts for help were ignored. This time, there was this horrible glowing face in the middle of the quilt, and then suddenly I was hovering above my bed, still shouting for help. My wife now turns round and opens her eyes. She starts pointing at me and laughing. The unseen force then moves over my mouth and nose and I can’t breath. Then, for the first time ever, in real life my wife DID wake me up because I was hyperventilating in my sleep. Yeeesh – what would happened if she had just left me…….?

There, that ought to get the old memory banks working. Like I said, I know it’s a different situation talking about nightmares now than when they’ve just happened, but just let it all come flooding back.

3, 4, better lock your door…….

Question time..

Because The Curmudgeon knows dick about his own website.

Quick question for you faithful Dwellers, and it's based on a conversation I've now had twice with people I know. Said conversation goes something like this:

Them: Oh, I was on your blog yesterday.

Me: Really? Well, dammit, why didn't you write something?

Them: I can't. I have to have a blog myself before I can write anything.

Me: No you don't.

Them: Yes you do.

Me: No you.... uh, actually.. I dunno. Maybe you do.


So there you have it. My question to YOU is - is it possible to leave messages and stuff without actually having to sign up to write your own blog first? Because if it is, that's gonna put a LOT of people off coming here, and that may mean having to shape up and ship out to another message board service.

So help me out here people - IS it possible to write here without being a "Blogspotter" - or not? And if it IS possible - how do you do it?

Review 121: Ladder 49

Come in Ladder 49 - your time is up.

Hey, you know something? You know those guys that jump into burning buildings and rescue people? Do you know they happen to be rather brave?

Well, if you did, you can walk away now because you've basically seen the entire point behind "Ladder 49: Firefighters Are So Brave, Aren't They?"

Call me a cynic all you want, but I want the movies I watch to have a little more story than that. Oh, wait - OK. Come back - there IS a story behind Ladder 49 after all. It's just not a very good one.

So, Brave Firefighter Joaquin Phoenix joins up with other Brave Firefighters, and the majority of the movie is centred around them, and the ha-ha-larious "manly" antics they get up to, including an "induction" ceremony that only the most stupid, gullible people in the UNIVERSE would fall for, and throwing beer kegs over one another. 'Cos they're guys, see? And all the while the worst possible fires break out (with no explanation why.. Jeez, you'd think there would be some little fires or cats to rescue from trees or something?) and every time Joaquin's moaning wife's worried face is shown because she's sure he's going to die THIS time.

And that's basically it. The thing is, the characters are so bland and uninspired, the plot so Cut-Out-And-Keep that we can't help but feel we've seen this sort of thing a thousand times before. Its more like a mid-afternoon TV movie than a big budget blockbuster, and having great actors like John Travolta and Robert Patrick in dull co-worker roles is such a waste of their talents that it beggars belief.

Big stars, big money - on a movie that's as exciting as a ladder in a pair of tights. A real waste.

Review 120: Brick

I love lamp.


For those not in the know, "I love lamp" is a quote from another Brick, he of "Anchorman" fame. I thought the quote was kinda fitting, in that the Brick from that movie made no sense either.

This is one of those movies where you're going to read a lot of overblown, pretentious reviews from people who like to pretend they "get it", throwing phrases like "film noir" at you like they actually have a clue what they're talking about. Ladies and gentlemen - IGNORE THEM ALL.

So, Brick, then. An attempt to fuse, oh-ho, "film noir" in a teenage environment. A nice idea, if it weren't so knuckle-chewingly embarrassing to watch. Hey, who wants to see 15 year olds talking like Humphrey Bogart, with all the conviction of an episode of Dawsons Creek? Anyone? Anyone?

The director was obviously so in love with his outrageous gimmick that he forgot to add even the slightest personality into his characters. This is one reason we do not care, one little bit, about anyone we're watching on screen - also the fact we don't believe ANYTHING we're watching, it's all so pointlessly ludicrous.

There is a good story buried under the corny dialogue and leaden delivery. It would be no less powerful if these were REAL teenagers in front of us, saying REAL things that teenagers have to say. There doesn't have to be bling-speaking idiots or Clueless-style stereotypes in a teenage movie. A film written by someone with the slightest idea of what teenage kids are actually like would be a start, (one person in the entire school has a mobile phone, for example) but what there DOES need to be is an actual story, with characters that people can relate to or at least care about - otherwise, what's the point?

Of course, the knee-jerk reactionary brigade are going to accuse me of being ignorant for not adoring their Movie Of The Year (that they were told to like). They'll say I didn't "get it". Oh, I got it - I just don't particularly want it.

Pretentious I can deal with. "Film noir" I can deal with. Trying something new, trying to be different - I can deal with. A tedious, gimmicky chore? The Curmudgeon can not deal with.

You want to see this year's best non-blockbuster movie? Try "The Proposition", and leave this well alone. Or, if you really want kids talking like gangsters for no real reason - there's always "Bugsy Malone." It's more believable to boot.

Review 119: The Toolbox Murders

One more nail in the horror-remake coffin.

ou know what's depressing? The sheer amount of horror remakes that have flooded the market in recent years. From the J-Horror Americanised versions to the glut of 70's and 80's retellings, it's like the movie business has run out of ideas altogether. Especially when they start scraping the barrel and churning out bilge like this.

To be honest, I haven't seen the original 70's movie, but I can only assume it's better than this. Hell, pulling your toenails out with pliers is probably better than this. For a start - it makes NO sense. There are so many unanswered questions and plot black holes, you're not so much hiding behind your fingers as counting the indiscrepancies on them. There's a whole host of things, like magic symbols and rapping on walls that adds to absolutely NOTHING, it makes you wonder just how many people were writing this movie. They almost certainly weren't working on the same one.

Then there's the killer himself, "Coffin Baby", a feeble attempt at a franchise villain if ever there was. The thing is, the movie attempts to make the film a who-dunnit, with loads of supposedly sinister and creepy red herrings floating around the hotel in an effort to make us think - "ah - he did it", except we don't, not once, not only because the DVD box has the killer on the front, but the movie has him running around the hotel at the start. Kinda kills the suspense, that.

Add the fact it nails every single horror movie cliché, and some fairly diabolical acting, and you're looking at one of the worst horror movies of the decade. Some nice gore, I suppose, but is that really enough anymore?

There are good horror movies out there. Don't let this trash steal any of your attention.

Review 118: Mousse T vs The Dandy Warhols - Horny As A Dandy

Barrel-scraping JUNK.

First things first - The Curmudgeon is a BIG fan of The Dandy Warhols. Got all the albums, seen them live - Courtney Taylor is a pefect front man - sexy, effortlessly cool and smart. He once commented that he didn't regret allowing "Bohemian Like You" to be used for a Vodaphone ad, because he bought his studio with the money. I only hope he's bought something equally nice for the money he must have received for this garbage.

So what is it, exactly? Well, it's one of those interesting-for-two-minute splicing of songs; this time Dandy Warhol's "Bohemian Like You", for the idiotic public the only song they ever released, and Mousse T's "Horny", that song you never wanted to hear again. And they're now together at last - just what no one on earth wanted.

It works well enough, I suppose, but then there are better (and worse) unofficial mixes out there (the Strokes "vs" Christina Aguilera, for example). Why this got greenlit as a single remains a mystery.

This is just a lazy, fairly uninspired remix. Take two well-established songs, take the music from one and put it behind the vocals of the other. Yawn - this got dull in 2004. And another thing, the title makes no sense; "Mousse T vs The Dandy Warhols - Horny As A Dandy?" No, no, no - if you're mixing "Horny" and "Bohemian Like You" shouldn't it be "Horny Like You", or even "Horny As A Bohemian?" God, even the TITLE sucks.

Mousse T can be inducted into the Official Room 101 of Amazon no problem at all. But inducting The Dandy Warhols? We're not loving that one bit. Still, it's not as if Courtney et al actually had anything to DO with this.

Let's just picture him receiving yet another fat cheque for this song, and hope one day the moronic public will actually buy something else the Warhol's bring out.

Review 117: Busta Rhymes - I Love My Chick

Crass, vulgar rubbish=big hit. There's a surprise.

You know, I've always had a lot of time for Busta Rhymes. Not only does his music contain more humour than the majority of dullards "spitting rhymes" right now, but he's always seemed to have an eye for, well, cool things. Think about it; he sampled both the music from Psycho and Knight Rider (to good effect), but also fought a Predator type thing in the "Fire It Up" video - AND had Mr. T appear in a video. Now that's the kind of guy The Curmudgeon could hang out with.

This offering though - is just turgid. Of course, the REAL title of the song isn't "I Love My Chick" (it's the "B" word that Amazon won't let me type) and this charming admission is echoed by personality vacuum Kelis saying "I love you ni**a". Lovely.

Nevermind that the song itself is humdrum, that it's merely treading water compared to some of the others Busta has released in the past, but because - shock horror - it has more than the average amount of rude words in it - it sells by the ton. Thank YOU, idiot public.

I have no problem with expletive laden songs. Sexy MF, by Prince, for example, is a tight, hook-filled gem, and Rage Against The Machine's "Killing In The Name Of" is just 100 kinds of awesome. But this is just purile garbage.

Busta - welcome to the Official Room 101 of Amazon. Your new song sucks - don't let it happen again.

Review 116 - FIFA: Voices From The World Cup

The soundtrack to the World Cup - in Hell!

Now, it's no secret The Curmudgeon is no fan of football (or soccer for the Americans). Don't like it, never have never will. But even I know what a football song should sound like and trust me, you'll find nothing of the sort anywhere on this wretched, cynical cash-in.

Of course, there's a difference between football chants and football songs. Chants are basically the same thing over and over, wheras songs have verses and a chorus. Over the years there has been some downright criminal attempts at football songs, and there have actually been some great ones (Vindaloo, 3 Lions, World In Motion - which is a rare beast - a great football song AND a great song to boot). They live forever in football stadiums, as fans sing them to the rooftops every game. I'm sure if you LIKED that sort of thing, it'd be great.

Now then, can you imagine ANY football supporters, ANYWHERE in the world, singing the likes of Dido, Kelly Clarkston and Toni Braxton? Ah yes, the rousing sound of 10 thousand football fans singing, um, "Why" by Annie Lennox. Of course.

Hmmm... you don't think this is just some random selection of songs cobbled together with a weak World Cup theme, do you?

It's laughable, it really is. Six months from now this same album will be re-branded The Best Christmas For Idiots Album - Ever! and the same idiots will buy it.

Voices from the World Cup? I can imagine..

Voice One: What does this have to do with the World Cup?

Voice Two: Nothing, of course. But if there is a picture of a football on it, the empty headed plankton will buy it anyway.


Don't even THINK about being fooled.

Review 115: Laurel and Hardy: All New Adventures - For Love

Here's another grave-robbing mess they've gotten us into.

I don't normally do this, but before I started writing this review I actually scrolled down and read a few other "opinions". The obvious one star ratings made me have a little faith left in humanity, but the amount of five star ratings made me hate everyone all over again.

And what is the REASON this insulting, possible legacy tarnishing catastrophe got five stars from these dim-bulbs? "It's a fun movie for kids." This is written on EVERY five star review (is it the same mouth-breather or what?) So, by THAT reckoning, re-making 911 but replacing the suicide bombers with cute fluffy animals, who put a furry paw over their eyes when they're about to crash, followed by a slide-whistle soundtracking the towers collapsing would be OK, too? 'Cos you know, that would be "harmless fun for kids to watch at Halloween time" too. Pffffff.

Anyway, I don't think I need to explain WHY this is so bad. Laurel and Hardy were too genuine one-offs. Genius entertainers who merged eye-watering slapstick with spot-on visual gags, with perfect timing and execution. These two hacks think that if they DRESS like Laurel and Hardy and try and SOUND like them, then the same big laughs will come thick and fast.

They don't. Not once. Not ever. Imitation may be the highest form of flattery in some aspects, but this is an insult, a cheap cash-in on a famous name. Don't be tempted, don't be fooled.

If people really ARE on the look-out for something to make their kids laugh, then show them the real Laurel and Hardy films. People falling through roofs and getting hit with ladders will ALWAYS be funny, especially if it's the two REAL masters at work. Show the kids Laurel and Hardy's "The Music Box", and leave this disgrace gathering dust where it belongs.

Review 114: Eminem - Mockingbird

Someone kill this mockingbird.

First of all, I have a lot of respect for Eminem. I'm not a massive fan or anything, but he genuinely did bring something new to the rap table, something which is still beyond most of the hopeless, bling obsessed, identikit idiots on MTV right now. He didn't rap about cars and girls and money like EVERY SINGLE OTHER RAPPER, he instead talked about his life, politics, controversy, celebrity.. he could be funny. He could be serious. Really - he could do it all. Oh, and forgive the past tense, but he's quit the business, apparently. I give THAT about a year.

Anyway, like I said - a lot of respect for Eminem for saying something NEW in hip hop. That's not to say he didn't say the same things over and over and over again (how many times did we have to hear that he hated his mother? We get it, guy).

Yes, family did play a large part in Eminem's music. When he wasn't "dissing" his mother or his ex-wife, he was throwing love at his daughter, Hailie. Like on this catastrophic effort, quite simply the worst single Eminem ever released (D12 efforts notwithstanding, that's more crap for another day).

Singing about (and indeed, to) your daughter is fine, but it's got to be done in a way, especially when it's coming from Mr Controversy Eminem, that doesn't make you want to gag. And when the opening lines are "Straighten up little soldier" the alarm bells begin to ring. When the song continues with "I'mma (sic) give you the world, buy a diamond ring for you, sing for you, I'll do anything to see you smile" you're not so much being sick as laughing hard and heartily.

And oh yes, he's going to sing for Hailie. Which means he's going to sing for us, too, giving one of the most fingernails down a blackboard chorus in years. You rap. You don't sing. Get Dido to do it for you next time again or something. Just.. don't ever sing. No matter how great the urge is.

This would be one of the last singles Eminem put out, but not before another (admittedly superior) vomit-fest about Hailie called "When I'm Gone". Seems that his biggest inspiration in life was also his creative Achilles heel. Go figure.

Not sure what Eminem is going to start rapping about when he inevitably returns. He milked the War/Bush ordeal to death (because, like, he really cared about it and stuff) and so I guess we can look forward to more verbal diarrhoea directed towards Hailie . Hold me back.

Review 113: Will Young - Light My Fire

Light this on fire.

Bad songs are everywhere. We all know that - switch on music television and you get bombarded with hateful music. That's nothing new. But sometimes, just sometimes.. you hear something that is so BAD, so downright AWFUL, that it truly takes your breath away.

Will Young's attempt at "Light My Fire?" You guessed it - that's one of those rare songs.

Will Young, then. You probably haven't heard of him in America (where, as a previous idiot said on here - you like "manly voices like Justin Timberlake." Someone get this kid a spot on TV - The greatest comedian in the world couldn't have come up with that), but he was our first Pop Idol, and has actually did the impossible and is still, like, around.

I'm not a music snob and I'll take anything at face value. Will Young, talented vocalist he may be, has never been, nor ever will be, my "bag." That's not to say he isn't a cut above the rest of the fodder that trundles through the Reality Television Road To Hell, but the day The Curmudgeon buys a Will Young CD will never happen.

Anyway, enough prattle - let's talk about what is quite simply one of the worst singles, and certainly one of the worst cover versions - of all time. The Doors "Light My Fire" is a brooding, smouldering sexually tinged classic. Jim Morrison was a true original, and (if the movie was to be believed) not for commercialising his music. So he must have been spinning like a tornado when he heard his music being butchered like this - and by the winner of a TV talent show.

To say this sounds nothing like the original is a hilarious understatement. Cover versions, of course, should sound different than the original (if not - what's the point?) and you should always inject a bit of yourself into the song - but what Will Young has injected is pure ear bleeding poison.

A feeble, slow drumbeat. A whiney, girly voice. A barely there rhythm. At best - it's just boring. At worst - it's damn insulting.

But of course, the purists and real music fans were up in arms, but of course - because he was on reality television The Scum bought it in droves and it was number one. Same old story. That's nothing new; Hell, when it comes to these brainless morons you could release a ringtone and it would get to number one.... oh, wait - that already happened.

So - Will Young. Went on to big things over here in The UK. According to a recent poll (conducted by - oh oh.. the public) Will Young is the greatest British male solo artist of all time. But he's already struck out twice on here, the Official Room 101 of Amazon.com.

Who do you think is right?

Review 112: Journey South - Journey South

Debut abomination from the Brothers Grim.

A sad, sad fact that this album, this wretched, soulless, manipulative album - was number one. But guess when it was released, True Believers? The week before Mother's Day. What a coincidence, eh? So, every stupid housewife in Britain got this as a Mothers Day present from their unimaginative "hey, we seen them on TV", teenage (probably pregnant) daughter.

So who are these gimps, then? Simple - reality television contestants. They didn't win it, of course, but since when did THAT mean anything anymore? We've already had the winner, Captain Bland's efforts, then we had the comedy foreigner Chico's "wacky" single, then there was that other guy who's name escapes me who looks like he's a week away from starvation - and now this. And who says these things are clogging up the charts? And, um, isn't it "the winner" who gets the record deal? But hey - there's a lot of morons who buy these things with plenty of cash to go round, so why not give everyone a shot?

What galls me is the absolute lack of any effort involved here. There's no soul, there's no passion - an album consisting entirely of cover versions. And not just covers that mean anything to these guys - the most predictable, easily recognisable popular songs out there. It's not just depressing, it's downright insulting.

What kind of musical heritage is today's generation being left with? Record after record of boring, smiley faced pub singers and karaoke chancers. Where "being a nice singer" means being a superstar.

Of course, this band won't last. These fly-by-nights never do. It'll be Reality TV Show number 435 soon, so there'll be another lorryload of faceless idiots for Generation Dead-Eyed to swoon over. I think I'm going to be sick.

Review 111: Friday Hill - Baby Goodbye

Friday 13th - unlucky for us.

Tch - boybands. They're like cockroaches. You think they've been wiped out, banished for eternity, but somehow they survive to spread misery and disease wherever they go and whatever they do. Usually it involves dire solo projects (this usually involves said former boyband member holding a guitar, because he's now a MUSICIAN. Facial hair is optional - a scowl is guaranteed).

There's also reality TV, where one of these saps turned up on (the idiot magnet that is Celebrity Big Brother) and now, here he is with two more of his ex-Blazin' Squad gimps to form Friday Hill.

If you've never heard of Blazin' Squad (lucky you), they were a dire popgroup attempting to be a hip-hop gang. Don't think Wu-Tang Clan, think more The Little Rascals. There was about forty of the little gits, so amongst all the fake posturing and "ghetto" hand gestures there was at least forty brain-cells floating around.

Anyway, onto this tripe. The hip-hop thing got old, so now they're attempting a more straight forward pop music thing. Guess what? It still sucks. They're three bland, painfully average boys who only got a deal because they were popular once.

This single didn't do too badly but the second fell off the radar in the blink of an eye. Then the "highly anticipated" album got to, er, 67. Whoops. "Baby Goodbye?" Got it one, chaps.

Official Fortress Of Solitude Announcement:

Sorry guys, it's that time of year again..


Sigh. Long time Fortress Dwellers may well recall a time last year when I had to take brief sabbaticals from the site - all in the name of knowledge.

Yeah, it's my Uni work. I have about a week left to finish my assignment, and I've done basically squat, what with one thing and another. So I'm afraid I'm gonna be out of here for a week or so. Yeah yeah - I'll miss you too.

So I've put up about ten reviews for you to comment on or whatever, and please remember The Curmudgeon's Voice Of Reason is on every week now, same Curmudgeon time and same Curmudgeon channel. And thanks to Wolfman's technical know-how, it now sounds better than ever.

Anyway, gotta go and hit the books. With a nice flying dropkick, if I had my way.

Till next time.. Curmudgeon out.

The Voice Of Reason!

The Curmudgeon's on the radio - again.

First of all, apologies for the lack of posts or any real communication with you Dwellers over the last week. I've been mucho busy, what with working on some more exclusive interviews for The Fortress (fingers crossed they work out), my University studies (yup, they're up and running again) and writing and recording another radio rant for Wolfman's show. The segment is now called "The Curmudgeon's Voice Of Reason" and I personally feel this one is better than the first - far more polished sounding anyway.

But you can judge for yourselves - the same times apply as before. Sorry again for the lack of notice regarding the second V.O.R, but I didn't know (or indeed, think to ask) about the times of it until tonight. Silly Hate Monger!

Still, if you miss it tomorrow you've got another two chances throughout the week to catch it. And make sure you do!

Anyway, the actual site to listen to it is here

Here's what the times would be in the eastern time zone (i.e New York):

Monday - 1pm
Wednsday - 3am
Sunday - 7am

Here's the Midwest/Central time zone (i.e Iowa):

Monday - 12pm
Wednsday - 2am
Sunday - 6am

Mountain time Zone (i.e Montana):

Monday - 11am
Wednsday - 1am
Sunday - 5am

and finally the western time zone (i.e. California):

Monday - 10am
Wednsday - 12am
Sunday - 4am


And then for us earthlings in the UK..

Monday - 6pm
Wednsday - 8am
Sunday - 12pm


It's time. Time for a NEW voice. Time for a voice of reason. Time for ...... The Curmudgeon's Voice Of Reason!

(You know, that sounded better in my head..)

Curmudgeon... FM!

Our radio rocks.

Here's a funny fact for you: The Curmudgeon doesn't have a radio.

I pretty much despise the radio - why would I want to be TOLD what to listen to? Why should I have to put up with listening to what's on a commercial setlist? New music is far easier to find on any of the 1000 music channels out there and through reading the likes of NME and actually going to see bands.

That said, The Curmudgeon wasted no time in accepting your friend and mine, loyal Dweller Invisible Wolfman's offer to join him on his radio show. Hey, if people are going to listen - may as well have them listen to The Curmudgeon.

So - wanna hear it? 'Course you do - although you may well question yourself after listening to it. Maybe I'm too much of a self critic but, well, it WAS my first time and it IS basically me speaking into a microphone into the computer and then e-mailing it to Wolfman. So don't expect Howard Stern, OK? And aplogies if you can't understand my accent, but I did try and speak as clearly as possible.

Anyway, the actual site to listen to it is here

And here's the times for you Americans first..

Here's what the times would be in the eastern time zone (i.e New York):

Monday - 1pm
Wednsday - 3am
Sunday - 7am

Here's the Midwest/Central time zone (i.e Iowa):

Monday - 12pm
Wednsday - 2am
Sunday - 6am

Mountain time Zone (i.e Montana):

Monday - 11am
Wednsday - 1am
Sunday - 5am

and finally the western time zone (i.e. California):

Monday - 10am
Wednsday - 12am
Sunday - 4am


And then for us earthlings in the UK..

Monday - 6pm
Wednsday - 8am
Sunday - 12pm

Oh, and one more thing - Wolfman lives in Finland, so it's a Finnish radio station. So if you tune in earlier and hear crazy foreign languages - that's why. You know, all in all it's just a bit of fun and, ideally, another way to get people to maybe come to the site.

Anyway, hope you enjoy!

Care to peddle your filthy wares?

Sell yourselves, harlots.

Even though The Fortress is one of a million blogs, you can bet this is the only one with a thread title like THAT.

So what's it about? Simple. This isn't a discussion thread, it's not an opinion poll and its not even a rant - this is an open invite for YOU, good people of this site, to share with the other Loyal Dwellers anything you're a part of on the internet (or out of it, if you have a link).

See, in an effort to further the "community" aspect of The Fortress, I think it'd be cool if we had an open access to whatever else you lot get up to on the net - whether its your own Blogs, your own websites, your Myspace, your own reviews, your Youtube movies - whatever. That way we can learn more of what each other is about.

Also, if anyone is willing, I'd like to put out an open invite to share e-mail addresses with each other, to help bridge that gap further. I can understand if you'd rather not put your e-mail address out on a site where any old weirdo can see it, so I'm gonna put mine here and you can e-mail me if you wish (I'm used to weirdo's writing to me - and I'm weirder than all of them).

How did this come up? Well, I was actually scouring my Amazon account when I saw Trashcan Man's Amazon reviews (he's an Amazon friend - that's how he came to be here, fact fans), and I noticed something about his "Wish List" that I wanted to speak to him about - but I couldn't do it easily. And hell, that's just not RIGHT.

So - I'll go first. You already know my site and my reviews (duh), but here's the other major things you can use if you wish.

My e-mail address - www.the_curmudgeon_hates_you@yahoo.co.uk

My Myspace account - http://www.myspace.com/fearthecurmudgeon

My MSN Messenger - terror_of_the_curmudgeon@hotmail.co.uk


Dwellers ASSEMBLE!

Hey, this is The Fortress Of Solitude, man - it's US against THEM.

Funny how?

Let's talk sitcoms.

It's strange that, given the time I've spent on this site and the amount of things we've all talked about, the world of comedy has very rarely (if ever) reared its head. We've talked horror movies, action movies, superhero movies - but never the genre that makes us laugh (intentionally).

Well, you know what? We're not going to talk about comedy movies today either. That's another topic for another day. Today's topic, boys and girls? Sitcoms.

I don't know why, but when the word sitcom pops up, I immediatly think of crass, unfunny, laboured garbage where, if its British, someone's trousers fall down just as their boss walks through the door, or if its American, the audience whoops and cheers as the star of the show enters the room. Either of which is not acceptable comedic fare in The Fortress Of Solitude.

Saying that, I've watched sitcoms for as long as I can remember. From old British standards like Dads Army amd Fawlty Towers to the more age-appropriate classics like Red Dwarf and Blackadder, to American powerhouses like Frasier and Friends. Sitcoms are good. Sitcoms are fun. Sitcoms are a world where problems arise and are solved in 30 minutes, with glib remarks and punchlines every two minutes, all met with the riotous applause from the studio audience (or good ol' canned laughter).

A few years ago, however, I couldn't name a decent sitcom if someone put a gun to my head. Blackadder was long gone, Red Dwarf had become as funny as being tied to a chair while someone swings a big rope at your genitals (thank YOU, Casino Royale) and all we had, from the UK, was dross like My Family and Two Packets Of Crisps and from the US screeching, loathsome garbage like Will And Grace, with only The Simpsons saving me from putting my foot through the television altogether.

Then something changed. Suddenly the word "sitcom" didn't neccesarily have an "h" as its second letter. Suddenly both the UK and the US were producing some high quality, laugh a minute stuff, with brilliant writing, superb acting and loveable, realistic characters. And seeminlgy the key to all of this? No laughing.

That's right - the cosy "set up, set up, punchline - laugh" world was gone, embraced by the likes of The Office, Scrubs, Arrested Development and (for the third series) The League Of Gentlemen. This wasn't your family friendly 8pm stuff though - some of the comedy coming out now was near the knuckle (Curb Your Enthusiam being a prime example). Put simply - sitcoms are cool again.

So here's my question for you all:

Favourite sitcom of all time AND favourite current sitcom.

The Curmudgeon's would have to be... hmmm.. Blackadder and Arrested Development. I've only seen the first season of it and I loved every minute of it.

Others....?

Fortress Of Solitude: Exclusive Interview

The Curmudgeon talks to horror expert Calum Waddell.

With one award nominated book, (and another on the way), writing for the likes of SFX and Fangoria magazine, travelling to the Cannes festival, appearing on DVD commentaries and documentaries and breaking his acting duck as a priest in The Raven, it’s safe to say that horror aficionado and all round decent bloke Calum Waddell is one busy boy. But is he too busy for an EXCLUSIVE interview with Tbe Curmudgeon? Not a chance. So I invited Calum to The Fortress Of Solitude for a chat and he agreed.

The stupid peasant villagers warned him not to visit The Fortress, crossing themselves at the mere mention of it. I had to.. er, I mean, I had to get my driver to pick him up at the half way point, and then he was in the Fortress hallway, wide-eyed and shivering. We sat at the table and I poured him a drink. None for me, though. I never drink… wine. It gives me gas.

We talked for hours of many things; of movies, of books and interviews and movie stars and, oh yes, Calum revealed to me his deathly fear of…. rabbits.

Join us, won’t you?



What films and directors have made you so passionate about the horror genre?

Well the first horror director whose work I fell in love with was probably Wes Craven. As a child I loved A Nightmare on Elm Street and then Shocker and Deadly Friend - two films I'm sure Wes wishes he hadn't made, although I still think Shocker has its moments. I remember I had to turn off The Hills Have Eyes when I was 12 because it disturbed me so badly. At about 11 I think I became more aware of John Carpenter too - and then I got into George Romero and the special effects work of Tom Savini and Rick Baker, which was down to Fangoria magazine more than anything else. These are the guys that made me fall in love with what a good horror film could achieve. It wasn't until I was 16 or so that I really discovered Dario Argento, Tobe Hooper and Stuart Gordon, although I rate all three filmmakers highly.

So who was YOUR first interview with? And were you nervous?

It was with Jean Rollin, who is a fairly cult name and really obscure to those who don't follow Euro-shock so I wasn't really nervous at all. Although I do remember pouring over the questions at length because I didn't want to fuck up - hahaha! I've never been nervous interviewing anyone to date, I'd have to get a new job if I was!

In your first book, Minds Of Fear, you list 30 Cult Classics of horror. What was the 31st that just didn't make the cut?

Good question. It was actually Jack Hill's Spider Baby but as I'm eventually going to do a book dedicated to his work I decided not to bother putting it in there. I also flirted with Ulli Lommel's The Boogeyman which scared the crap out of me when I first saw it but, although he is now ironically one of my best friends in the industry, I didn't know how to get in touch with him when I was doing Minds of Fear. How times change eh?

You've met and interviewed some pretty big names in the past (a few being Grade-A Fortress Heroes), but if you could meet one icon of cinema, be it an actor, writer or director - who would it be?

I'd love to meet Lauren Bacall because she is the greatest star alive. Listen, she does this little "jig" at the very end of her first film To Have and Have Not. She's not wearing anything revealing, right? I mean this is 1944, okay? And yet she's walking out of this bar in Martinique - the bar that Humphrey Bogart stays in. So she's walking out and she does this little "jig" and I'm fucking telling you that this is the sexiest goddamn thing you've ever seen. Five years after one of the greatest screen debuts ever Bacall had made The Big Sleep and Key Largo - now you tell me someone, who is still with us, who can boast to a career like that? She wasn't even 30 and she had conquered the world man! I'd want to ask her why the hell she worked with Michael Winner though...

Your new book, Taboo Breakers, deals with movies that broke boundaries and caused jaws to drop. Do you think there can still be movies made that cause shock, outrage and controversy - or have we seen it all before?

Yeah there can - look at the fuss over Hostel!! I think that Hostel was a bit smarter than some people gave it credit for, you know? You got this story about these guys who are screwing hot girls and they are total assholes okay? But then half way through Eli Roth goes and has all the guys being tortured. Now answer me this - when Jay Hernandez is tied to that chair and he's puking and screaming and begging for his life - how often do you see that? Horror movies are so commonly about hacking up women, right? And Eli went and totally subverted that, which I thought was really cool because it was refreshing and put the first half of the movie in proper perspective. I saw Wolf Creek which I thought was misogynistic crap - I was outraged by how much that film seemed to be about an outright attack on screaming females whose characters are not fleshed out and exist only be chased and killed. I almost walked out when he snapped that girl's spine - that really offended me. I thought the same about The Lost and H6 - that stupid, pointless Spanish serial killer movie. So I still get shocked! But the movies I've mentioned just shock me because they are so devoid of heart or humanity and when a horror movie loses that you've got nothing left...

You've mentioned before that your next book will be about the works of Jack Hill, (director of the likes of Coffy and Foxy Brown). Did you intentionally choose a relatively less well-known director over the likes of Craven and Carpenter?

Well the definitive book on John Carpenter has been done. It's called The Prince of Darkness: John Carpenter and it's by Gilles Boulenger. I interviewed John when the book came out and my chat with him appeared in an old issue of Dreamwatch, which was pretty cool. I can also make you jealous by telling you that John, Irwin Yablans and the late Moustapha Akkad personally signed my copy too - hahaha! So, anyway, there's no point in anyone - ever - doing another book on Carpenter. I don't know Mr. Boulenger but it's the final word on hs movies and I have no issues at all for vouching for that book, it's really great. Craven has been done too - I'd tell anyone to seek out Screams and Nightmares by Brian Robb and I know that Brian is currently seeking to update it so why retread on old ground? I felt Jack has a legacy that is hugely underappreciated - he introduced African-American stuntmen to the business, he launched Pam Grier who was the first really successful black actress and his work has inspired guys like Francis Ford Coppola, Jonathan Demme, Rob Zombie and Quentin Tarantino. Plus, Spider Baby was the first "backwoods" horror movie - before Texas ChainSaw and The Rocky Horror Show but all of this is widely ignored, yet here is this amazing legacy in cinema. So that was really my reason for picking Jack - I always wanted to read a book about his movies and no one had ever done one. I think that, outside of his best known work, there's also some great stories in there - Jack worked with Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney in the last days of their careers, apprenticed with Roger Corman, directed Jack Nicholson, discovered Grier, Sid Haig and Ellen Burstyn - how can you not love this story? That's why my book will be called THE MADDEST STORY EVER TOLD. You can expect it in 2007 and it has the full involvement of Jack and the great Sid Haig.

With plot leaks, spoilers and piracy - do you think the internet has damaged cinema?

Downloads HAVE damaged cinema and really piss me off. There is something special about having a DVD in your hands or watching a new movie in the cinema. I just don't get the appeal in downloading, and I have friends who are offenders of this. I almost always refuse to borrow the movies they download - and if it's a new blockbuster I refuse outright, as should anyone. I'm not crying crocodile tears for the rich buggers losing money - I just think film is a medium that should be appreciated properly and seeing a crappy copy of anything doesn't fill me with happiness...


Can you remember the first time a film frightened you?

It was actually Watership Down. I saw it when I was five at the same time my family thought I was ready for An American Werewolf in London, The Evil Dead, Creepshow and such video nasties as Bloody Moon and Night of the Demon - the bigfoot one where a guy is massacred while taking a wee! But none of them had the effect that Watership Down had, which scared me and left me in tears. It is a really harrowing movie and, to this day, I'd sooner put myself through I Spit on your Grave than Watership Down. That this is a PG rated movie which any unsuspecting parent can still give to their child beggars belief.

What decade do you think was the most important for horror films? The pioneering 30's, the shlocky 50's, the franchise inventing 70's or... what?

It was actually the 1960s because you had Psycho, which is the most important horror film ever made, and then you had Night of the Living Dead, which is the second most important horror film ever made. The vast legacy in Italian and Japanese horror really began too - with Mask of Satan (1960) and Onibaba (1964) respectively. On top of that you had the launch of the gore movie with Blood Feast in 1963 and the decade also launched Francis Ford Coppola and Peter Bogdanovich, who began their careers in horror and went on to make some of the most important films of the seventies (Coppola also made three of the greatest films ever in The Godfather 1 and 2 and Apocalypse Now). I also think the trend for modern special effects began with Planet of the Apes - not a horror movie per se but it has shades of the genre and it led to the Academy recognising makeup effects. I know that guys such as Rick Baker, Stan Winston and Phil Tippet admit that Planet of the Apes inspired them - they all personally told me that.

Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Michael Myers.. once and for all - who is the greatest movie monster?

Freddy obviously - because he speaks and his story actually makes sense. Plus, there's only been a couple of really pisspoor Freddy sequels - the rest are fairly redeemable. The legacies of the other "monsters" don't make any logical sense because they change from sequel to sequel. I thought Jason Goes to Hell was a good attempt to sort the Friday the 13th schtick out but everyone else hated it so what the hell do I know? Of all the monsters, old or otherwise, I like the Karloff Frankenstein series.

Although the horror genre is still very popular, the majority of major hitters nowadays are either remakes of older movies or Westernised takes of Japanese films. Do you think there are any good, original ideas left in Hollywood?

Yeah, I do. I think the studios tend to know what they are doing most of the time but realise that putting out a film is an expensive risk. You can minimise that risk, obviously, with a franchise or a remake of a "name" film. Making movies is just too damn expensive now and with people's jobs on the line I guess the majors need to always tread carefully in regards to what is green lit. But in terms of original horror - Saw, The Devil's Rejects, Hostel, The Descent and The Exorcism of Emily Rose were all pretty big hits and original stories. Now, I didn't like ALL of these films - and each one was certainly derivative - but they were new stories with new characters (although Rejects was a sort-of sequel to House of 1000 Corpses I guess) and showed that there is an audience for new ideas... The reason so many Asian films are being (often badly) remade is because the majority of English speaking audiences still refuse to watch subtitled pictures. This is really baffling to me because the best horror pic of 2006 was The Host and the original Dark Water is umpteen times better than the Dreamworks version.


With remakes in mind, which movie do you think could do with a fresh spin and what beloved classic are you secretly hoping studios won't touch?

I'd like to see a new version of movies that weren't that great first time around but which have the potential to be very scary in the right hands. I think The Burning would be good (and the Weinsteins own it!) or Zombie Flesh Eaters (which could benefit from better acting, a jacked up pace and improved effects). I'd like to see a version of American Psycho which could maintain the books hilarity but stop short of turning Bateman into a complete goon (in the novel he's terrifying). It's tricky though because the book reads like the genuine thoughts of a misogynistic nutter so cutting down the gore might not have been a bad thing... but, yeah, another take would be interesting. I hope they never remake An American Werewolf in London.

Lastly, as this is the Irresponsible Hate Monger's website - the worst horror movie ever. Name it.

Oh man I can't do this! Ha ha ha! There are tons of really boring, badly made low budget titles in my head right now but, you know, making a movie on such a tight budget is really hard and I guess you gotta support that. I would say if someone wants to see how to do it right check out The Collingswood Story which magazines as esteemed as SFX and Empire gave rave reviews to. I'm not just saying that because I'm credited on it either! I can certainly think of one particular Brit horror film from recent years that almost sent me to sleep and is a total waste of tax payer's money - it's utterly AWFUL - but the guy who made it meant well. But I don't want to totally rip it to shreds, you know? However, I have no apologies for criticising when a horror film lapses into brutal, unapologetic misogyny - which I think is utterly offensive. I switched off a film called Nutbag because it was misogynistic trash. I saw bits, just bits, of the director's follow-up film Murder Set Pieces and it was more of the same - naked, pretty women being pointlessly, graphically killed. I don't have any time for that and I hope more fans show good taste by avoiding that sort of thing. Even if a horror movie really bores me or sucks it's when it starts to just go for the blood and boobs route - and portrays a really sickening, regressive attitude towards female sexuality - that I get fed up. It's surprising how the people who makes these movies cry about censorship when the morality behind them is as conservative as the viewpoints of any of the people calling for them to be burnt...

Suddenly – wolves howl. Lightning cracks in the cold night sky and Calum cowers in his seat. It is time for my guest to leave, he has been in my acursed company long enough and I can see him eyeing the door with some genuine urgency. This, however, is The Fortress Of Solitude and I am The Curmudgeon, and so we cannot let our guest leave JUST yet without inflicting some suitable form of torment. And as he is a horror expert, what better way than to subject him to the most mind-bending, horrific abomonation ever…? Cue the frightened bunnies!

“Briiiight Eyes….”


Minds Of Fear can be bought here

Taboo Breakers is released by Telos Publishing in mid 2007.

The Maddest Story Ever Told: The Films Of Jack Hill is released in 2007, date to be announced.

The Raven can be bought here

And you can also buy The Collingswood Story (Calum Waddell - Associate Producer) here

The HORROR!

Could YOU live without the internet?

First of all, this isn't an admission on my behalf, or a presumption on yours, that we spend every waking moment on the net, or that our lives revolve around the clatter of keys and the gentle hum of a computer.

I know we don't. But dear God I LOVE the internet. Love it. When it comes to greatest inventions ever, I think the internet kicks that damned wheel into second place. No matter what you're into the internet can make it more enjoyable.

Everything I enjoy, everything I'm interested in has been made so much better thanks to the net.

Music? The day I got the internet I managed to track down a Placebo CD single that I just could not get anywhere else, and I had trawled stores, second hand stores and classified ads in newspapers for this record - and I got it from Amazon for the same price as a regular CD single. Then there's websites by and about the artists or bands you like - and buying tickets for gigs (one of my main hobbies) is no trouble at all, whereas in The Olden Days I used to have to travel into town for the one place that sold tickets - if they had any. Yes, the net has increased my music listening tenfold, and that's without getting into discovering new bands and (legal) downloads.

Films - Again, the net has made being into movies far more accessible and enjoyable. I have a literal WORLD of choice about what I can buy now, where it used to be just what the shops in town had. And getting the best version of a DVD (usually Region One, you lucky Americans) is simplicity, thanks to the websites dedicated to informing you of the best choice of disc. Then there's discussion groups, the IMDB, online trailers.. we really are spoiled.

Comic Books - As I've said before, I don't buy a million comics or anything like that, but the set half dozen I do buy I can now catch any issues I may have missed thanks to ebay. And then there's the websites dedicated to Marvel, DC etc and the fan art, screensavers, character databases and the chance to own some older rarer comics that you've have to go to specialist stores for.


I could go on - but you get the idea. The internet makes the important time of your life - your spare time, all the more sweet. You can talk to people who have the same interests as you, find out anything and everything, buy rare and long deleted items, book holidays, gigs, movies - hell, even find love.

The internet ain't perfect. For all it's qualities there's a whole seedy world that we all know about, where race hate, child abuse and God knows what else is bigger than it's ever been, not to mention the threatening domination of piracy which could snuff out pretty much every good thing I just mentioned.

But that's the negative side. As it stands - yeah, I COULD live without the internet but damn I'd miss it. I'm on the net for at least an hour a day and, seriously, I couldn't imagine life without it. Is that sad?

Thoughts?

Blogger Jogging!

Taking a stroll through Blogspot.com

Small history lesson: when I first started this site I had no idea what I was doing. All I knew was that I wanted to start a site where I could shoot my mouth off about anything and everything and have like-minded people join in the fun. So Blogspot came up on a search engine, it was free and pretty simple and - lo - the best kept secret of the Internet was born.

It's only recently I've actually began looking around at OTHER people's blogs (yeah, there are some out there believe it or not) and, as of today, began commenting on some of them. It's what I like to call Blogger Jogging, and its a sport that can open up whole new words of banality.

Seriously, you want to read some of this shit. Pointless anecdotes about people's lives (someone wrote about 1000 words on "the most hilarious day she's had in weeks" - when she was locked out of her house until she knocked on the window. A site dedicated to Mariah Carey ("everyone should go out and buy a Mariah Carey CD if you have one" - yup, I have NO idea what that means).

There are some gems, of course ("Vitriol For Dummies" looks pretty cool), but for the most part The Curmudgeon has been doing what The Curmudgeon does best - insult idiots.

So a quick heads up - you may well find the site has a few retaliation posts from these morons. If there are any "fuk U U fag" posts we'll know where they've came from.

If you have a quick Blog Jog yourself and find any tragic blogs, do let me know on here and I'll check them out for myself. And hey, if it spreads the good word of The Fortress in the meantime, that can't be a bad thing, right...?

Review 110: Celion Dion and Barbara Streisand - Tell Him

Two meglomaniacal harpies for the price of one - thanks for that

Now, normally I don't go on about a particular rubbish artist more than once. I make the odd exception if they're REALLY bad (The Darkness springs to mind) but I find that once is enough; it would get a bit tedious if I were to rate every single and album by a band or singer just to reiterate the fact they're atrocious. So I gave enormous necked super-bore Celine Dion a one star review in the past, which meant I wasn't going to focus on the rest of the musical bilge she polluted the charts with. But I decided to bend the rules for THIS monstrous single, a duet between the singing giraffe and Babs Streisand - surely a pairing the world doesn't deserve.

So what MADE me bend the rules to fit in this single? It's a sub-par snore, certainly no better or worse than anything Celine has put out before. Simple - the video. A teeth-grindingly irritating, hateful video which shows our two warblers singing together in a studio, as if they're the best of chums. It's been done before, certainly, but never as genuinely loathsome as this, the look of "surprise" on their faces as they hear how wonderful they are. Like "woah, way to hit that high note, girlfriend!" even though they're quite obviously miming over a pre-recorded song. Mechanecks bulging eyes lighting up as she "feels" the words she never wrote, Bab's nostrils flaring with every over-egged, preposterous vocal - it's one of the most dumb-foundingly awful things you'll ever see. Feelings of violence towards Celine Dion are nothing new, but this video brings out more maniacal urges than the Overlook Hotel.

Barbara Streisand, welcome to the Official Room 101 of Amazon.com. Celine - you're now a two-time veteran. Your rubbish music is one thing, but make another video like THIS abomination and you'll be hitting the hat-trick.