Hey maw! I'm goin' to Disneyland!

Well, it's THAT time folks. I know you've all been dreading it, I know you've all been wearing your "it's not going to happen" heads but - it's going to happen. The Curmudgeon is outta here for 14 days and nights. To Florida! Disneyland! Universal Studio's! Busch Gardens! Marvel World! Sea World! Wooooh!

So, this means there will be no more updates for the next two weeks. I've tried my best to fill the place up with things to read and talk about, not only for you guys but for any newcomers who may happen to stray upon the Fortress (hey, it could happen). So even if you've seen everything, make sure you're back inside The Fortress in 14 days. You know it's where you belong.

So hopefully I'll see the established Dwellers (Ben, Hacker, Wolfman) and maybe, maybe, even a few new faces.

Till then, True Believers.....

Time Wasters, Please!

When I first opened the doors of The Fortress, I attempted to start a little segment called "Time Wasters, Please", a section where we can all put our funny links, pics and videos that we come across on the net. Now, this is when I didn't really know how this Blog site worked. I didn't know that, three or four threads later old "Time Wasters" was going to be buried quicker than a bunch of old Atari E.T games (look that one up).

So here's the deal; I'm not going to make the Time Wasters segments monthly or weekly or whatever - they'll just pop up whenever I have something worth showing you, or you guys have something worth showing everyone else. Just remember to use the hour glass logo above. Sound fair?

Now then, hot blonde fight-night. Ever wondered who'd win in a fight between Kelly Bundy from Married With Children and the bitchy sister (Laurie Fordman) from That 70's Show? If only they were wrestling in syrup or something. Right here

SUPERB advert from Japan. Why can't we have ads like this?



Speaking of him, go for it Big G!

Finally, I pinched this from www.dvd-swaps.co.uk (quite simply the best place to trade DVD's). I have two cats myself, and if I ever find myself getting sick of them for miaowing ALL OF THE TIME (for no reason! No reason at all!!!) then at least I don't own THIS cat..

That's all from me for now. Care to contribute anything, Dwellers?

Review 80: Korn - Word Up!

A new low.

Before I start, The Curmudgeon has a LOT of time for Korn. I've been a fan for years, bought all the albums, from "Korn" and "Life Is Peachy" (both superb, epoch creating albums) to the inferior yet ultra successful "Follow The Leader", through "Issues" (again, superb) to the pretty much dire "Untouchables" (which, by this stage, they were anything but) and beyond. So, just in case anyone thinks I'm ragging on Korn for the sake of it - I'm not. Like I've said in some earlier reviews - sometimes this is no fun at all. But hey, The Irresponsible Hate Monger is here to point the finger at the worst of the worst, no matter who they are. And this time, Korn are guilty.

It's hard to work out just what exactly appeals so much to musicians about this song. "Word Up" has been covered, in less than 10 years, four times. That's pretty heavy going for a song that, let's face it, isn't that great in the first place. And believe it or not, with stiff competition from rubbish rockers Gun and BossHoss, not to mention woeful solo Spice Girl Mel B - Korn manages to be the worst cover of all.

The whole attempt just sounds tired, like Jonathon Davies knew he had to throw a few purchase incentive bonus tracks on the greatest hits record and then decided to churn this out one afternoon. The fire and fury from earlier Korn tracks is gone, replaced by the sound of a bored rich rock star trying to swell the coffers. There's no imagination, no passion - and absolutely no tune. Davies has never had the best voice in music, but here it sounds worse than ever.

Thankfully, Korn didn't give up the ghost and retire, and they look set to return with what could be their best album since "Life Is Peachy" (strong words, I know). Let's just write this cover version atrocity off as a bad idea.

Well Korn, you made The Curmudgeon's Hall Of Shame. Don't let it happen again.

Review 79: Rik Waller - From Now

Time for a rant...

Aiiiieeeee! Dear God, it's monstrous! It's hideous! It's quite possibly the worst thing you'll ever see! Ladies and gentlemen, hide your cakes and switch to widescreen- it's Rik Waller!

For those of you who don't know, big Rik was a contestant on one of those wretched pop reality talent shows (I forget which - they're all the same). And he got "famous" for two things.

1. Being fat. And I don't just mean chubby, or heavy - this guy is ENORMOUS. This guy could star in "Super Size Me II: Please Sir, Can I Have Some More?"

2. His mouth is so big, and his teeth so bad, when he sings it's like looking into the Sarlac from Return Of The Jedi. You half expect to see Boba Fett falling headfirst into there.

But I'm not here about this rubbish. Not even the idiotic British public were swayed in buying this. I'm not here to talk about Rik Waller (what is there to say? His record deal blew up and the last we saw he was on Celebrity Fat Club). I'm not here to talk about the state of music today or how reality pop is killing the charts. And there was a reason I mentioned Super Size Me.

Whilst we're here looking at Rik Waller, I would like to talk about something else - fatties.

Now, Super Size Me was a great DVD. All very entertaining, eye opening and all that, but here's what gets me: this movie didn't put me off eating McDonalds (hell, I was almost eating the furniture after watching it) and you know why? Because I know NOT to eat badly every day. I KNOW that McDonalds every day is bad for you.

But, because of simple-minded FAT people and bad parents, I suddenly can't buy everything I used to be able to when I go into a fast food restaurant.

It's true - the Super Size option has been removed. MY choices have been stripped away because ignorant tugboats eat too much. Now, say on the occasion I went to McDonalds and (for some reason) fancied a Super Size meal. I can't have it now. Is that fair? I don't think so. Just because stupid sumo's like to stuff their huge mouths with McDonalds every single day and half the world is now obese, I can't eat WHAT I want, WHEN I want.

And that, boys and girls - SUCKS. Choice is everything, and to have it removed because people can't stop eating.. well.. it's just not on. YOUR choices have been limited because of other people. Think about it.

So, uh, in conclusion, Rik Waller, terrible album, yadda yadda. Oh, and if you haven't seen Super Size Me, please do so.

Review 78: Sam & Mark - The Sun Has Come Your Way

The Great Pop Swindle continues.

The Sex Pistols once spoke of "The Great Rock N Roll Swindle" and whilst that and this dross can hardly be compared, you have to admit that, when it comes to these pop idol/American idol puppets, the idiot sheep fans who buy the singles are getting ripped off at every turn, almost as much as the poor gullible fools who enter into the contests in the first place.

Harsh? Hmm, check these fun UK chart facts out (thank YOU, Wikipedia!)

Hearsay - scrapped after two years. Band members LOATHED by general public (only last week Myleene Klass was attacked by a group of kids. I haven't laughed so much in ages). 2 years makes Hearsay look like the Rolling Stones in comparison, when you consider..

Gareth Gates - dropped after second album.

David Sneddon - dropped after third single.

Michelle McManus - dropped after second single.

Steve Brookstein - dropped after FIRST single.


And yet they just keep on coming, and the salivating, mindless drones who are basically TOLD what to buy keep on buying these horrid, ghastly attempts at music. That is, of course, until their pea-brains forget who they are and they move on to the next manufactured idiot that gets put in front of them.

A bit like Sam and Mark. These two porky losers didn't even WIN the damn contest but they still get record deals (um, doesn't that defeat the purpose of the whole sorry show?)

And guess what happened? The first single, a terrible cover of "A Little Help From My Friends" (a cynical ploy - get a sure-fire hit single with a Beatles song) got to number one because the scum actually remembered who they were, but that attention span couldn't last until this travesty, single number two. This one stiffed big time, and poor old Sam and Mark were binned.

And it's going to continue of course. And who's to blame? Not Simon Cowell - he's a businessman, he's out to make money (and he makes a PACKET). No - YOU'RE to blame, if you bought any of these laughable excuses for pop "stars" CD's. And you should damn well be ashamed of yourself.

Review 77: Destiny's Child - Destiny Fulfilled.

The sound of a band running out of steam.

Destiny's Child have always really annoyed me. The irritating lyrics ("pay my automobills?" "Bugaboo"?) notwithstanding, their wholesome, God-bothering image (but street and gangsta at the same time) just never washed with me. Add to the fact its basically The Beyonce Show, with guest spots from Horse face and, uh, The Other One. Like I said - always bugged me.

Saying that, Bootylicious was superb, and actually did the impossible - made Destiny's Child SEXY (there's attractive and there's sexy - not the same thing, boys and girls). Top tune as well, making good use of the Stevie Nicks sample and giving something I could actually listen to without wanting to stick pins into my ears.

Solo projects aside (Beyonce with the one good song, Horse face with some HORRIFIC material and The Other One, er, sitting waiting for the phone to ring), the last album from the bizarrely successful group can be summed up in one noise.

KA-SSPPPLLLOOOOOOSH.

To the uninitiated, that's the sound of a large toilet being flushed. The first single was a jerky, jumpy noise that doesn't really go anywhere but wasn't terrible, but the next single ("Soldier") is quite possibly one of the worst songs of all time. Fooling absolutely NO-ONE, the three millionairesses sing about wanting to be with people from Da Hood. Soldiers, apparently. Of what, we're never told, but they bring one of them to give the most pointless rap ever. Honestly, it's like the little turd can't even SPEAK. When did that happen in rap music? Why do rappers try and sound as monosyllabic as possible? What's that all about?

Anyway, next single and it's quite obviously they're just scraping the barrel (which, at three singles in, is a sure-fire sign of a bad album). After all the honk about being Independent Women and strong and don't need men to make them happy, they release "Cater 2 U", a song about bringing their man his slippers and basically being the dominated doormats they all said they weren't in the first place. Chicks, eh? They love it really.

And that's that, then. One greatest hits followed, then the end of Destiny's Child. Some terrible songs, a number of interchangeable band members and some pointless "girl power". A totally unfulfilling legacy.

Let the dire solo projects commence.

Review 76: Viva La Bam! Seasons 2 and 3

Absolute JUNK.

Before I start on this idiot-magnet, let me get one thing straight - Jackass was a GOOD TV show. For all it's gross-out moments, there were moments of genuine class and originality.

And I guess I know where they came from. On the one hand, we have Johnny Knoxville, who has moved on from Jackass to become a genuine star in Hollywood, going from mainstream success (Dukes of Hazzard) to critical acclaim (Grand Theft Parsons) in just a couple of years. A genuine talent, and someone to watch in the future.

Then we have Bam Margera, who took his "is cruel to his parents" thing from Jackass and made an entire show out of it. And it quite simply the most crass, unfunny and utterly, utterly FAKE rubbish on television.

It's maybe a pity Bam didn't have parents who were, I dunno, better actors than they are, because their "outraged" responses to his ha-ha-larious stunts wouldn't seem out of place at a Sunday school play. The mother is the worst offender, and while Bam's stupid tagalong friends laugh in all the right places, there is a genuine cruel streak and nasty side to Bam that makes the whole program have a very bitter after-taste. I'd like to see what would happen if one of the yahoo's DIDN'T laugh or go along with everything.

Of course, this show isn't aimed at the likes of The Curmudgeon. It's aimed at the big-shorted dumbass kids who think Avril Lavigne RAWWWWKS and can't see another phony being stuffed down their easily pleased, "Hey Kids, This Is COOL" MTV propoganda-fed throats.

A loathsome, spoilt man child abusing his stupid mother and morbidly obese father? You wonder why it doesn't work. Then you remember it's one-trick pony Bam Margera, a guy pushing 30 who still tries to act like he's 14. And that his mother and father are in on every single second of it. Another pitiful MTV product that you should steer well clear of.

Review 75: Catwoman

Damn, I hate agreeing with everyone else but..


That's something that bugs me - agreeing with everyone else on here. Take something else I've reviewed, some reality TV dreck, I dunno - usually it's just full of reviews like "Shayne really steals the show with his cover of Dancin' In The Moonlight, and now I luv this show 4eva and I luv Shayne 4eva" by some mindless pondlife, then along comes The Curmudgeon and gives The Truth.

But here, it's both too easy and too hard. See, it's too easy because EVERYONE is slating this movie - every review is 2 stars or less and everyone is saying the same thing - that the movie sucks. And here's where it's too hard - it's too hard NOT to join in, because the movie is THAT bad.

A lot of people like to bunch together bad comic book movies as a discussion piece, and Catwoman will join that infamous list as its most recent calamity (but by no means the worst - step forward Supergirl for that honour). Now, box office flops usually get put alongside the bad ones, but just because they didn't do well financially doesn't make them bad (the Phantom and the new Punisher are two common names thrown in. Phantom was an excellent homage to the classic 30's serials, giving an old-fashioned sense of adventure with a likable hero, albeit in a silly costume and Punisher was just all kinds of awesome).

Catwoman, however, deserved to tank the way it did. And the likes of Phantom and Punisher didn't have either the cash or the media exposure this film did. As much as she attempts to save face nowadays (her post-modern, tongue in cheek "victory speech" as she won worst actress), Halle Berry promoted the HELL out of this film, and she really did think she was, ahem, the cats whiskers, trying to convince us all on numerous talk shows that this Catwoman was the sexiest thing on the screen.

And, lord, is it quite the opposite. Berry's catwoman is as alluring and sexy as some urine-soaked tramp sitting next to you on a bus. She ranges from acting really badly to just being plain embarrassing. When she's normal Patience Phillips (oh dear) she's bearable, if not exactly Oscar worthy (as she once was), but when she becomes Catwoman you really will be watching through your fingers as she says Miaow, "purrrrrrrfect", gets scared of the rain and hisses at dogs. Yes, all of this happens.

Add to the mix stereotypical sassy girlfriend, token gay guy making "funny faces" at her boyfriend, a ridiculous Sharon Stone and some beyond dodgy CGI and you have one movie that no amount of "taking it on the chin" good naturedness will save.

Nice Catwoman documentary on the DVD, mind. The rest is kitty litter.

Review 74: Red Dwarf Series Seven

Red Dwarf somersaults the shark.

In case any of you are scratching your head at the above comment, let me explain. "Jump The Shark" is a phrase that describes the moment when a TV show loses its spark, when it becomes stale, unfunny or just plain boring. There are numerous well-known reasons for this happening (members of the cast leaving, new members being introduced in an attempt to bring new life to the show, writers leaving..) and amazingly, Red Dwarf managed all of these in the space between Season Six and Season Seven.

We've all seen TV shows go down the pan, but I don't think I've ever seen a show take such a drastic, no-holds barred drop in quality as Red Dwarf did here (and continued to in Season Eight). Make no bones about it - Red Dwarf was a GREAT TV show. Endlessly quotable, it gave us superb characters like the anal, self-important Rimmer, the slobby yet humane Lister, they evolved the Cat from a one dimeonsional James Brown spoof into a real character (and even gave him one of the best running "Dwayne Dibley" character gags), and, of course, added Kryten in Series Three who became the heart of the entire show.

And then, in the blink of an eye - Rimmer leaves, Kryten becomes whiney, irritating and almost the most loathsome character in the history of the show.

Ah yes - I said almost. Enter Christine Kochanski, supposed to be Rimmer's replacement, but where Chris Barrie is funny, Chloe Annett just isn't. Quickly scrubbing out the entire show's history (where we saw a different Kochanski - Clare Grogan, as sweet, sexy and someone who you could imagine someone like Lister falling in love with), she became spoilt, irritable and downright unlikeable. Plus, for six whole seasons we were told Lister had only ever spoken to Kochanski a handful of times, always being too shy to actually ask her out. But no, come this series they HAD dated. So basically forget everything else that had happened before that, then. Just another reason to shake your head at the downward spiral of this series.

The writing suffered too. Rob Grant left, leaving Doug Naylor and other hacks to ruin the fun. The live audience was binned too, giving us a hollow, totally obvious laughter track. And, believe it or not, it just got worse and worse.

Like I've said in other reviews, sometimes this is just no fun. To witness a once brilliant program turn into this sub-standard garbage was painful. And yet I re-visited old demons to review it just for YOU. You lot really lot don't deserve The Curmudgeon.

Review 73: Freefaller - She's My Everything/Basket Case

Beyond Awful.

God almighty, if there's one thing The Curmudgeon can't STAND it's fake music. Now, hear me out, this isn't some poe-faced snobbery against all pop music. For me, you have to BELIEVE the music you're hearing. Even if it's sung by some manufactured pop puppet they have to sing it like they mean it, otherwise it's worthless. The same goes for the likes of Christina Aguilera when she attempts to be "down" with the street kids, or when Madonna attempted to rap. We don't believe it for a second. Agree with me on that? Good. Now let's get to these idiots.

Freefaller are a bunch of identikit pop clones pushed together to make what twelve year old girls think is a "rock band". So they wear ripped T-shirts, talk about skating and bounce around while playing guitar, all in the most safe, inoffensive way of course. Gotta appeal to those pre-pubescants, remember?

Double A-side time, so that means two ultra weak songs for the price of one... hold on - check that second track. Oh dear - a cover of Green Day's "Basket Case"? So you can guess what THAT means - the song stripped of any edge it had whatsoever as the non-threatening singer with the boyband haircut attempts to sing the one Green Day song NOT from "American Idiot" that his simple minded, easily pleased fanbase will have actually heard of.

Of course, anyone with half a clue won't buy into it for a second. After Avril Lavigne (manufactured as well, but pop music that you can suspense belief enough to enjoy) the charts are full of these kinds of bands. A few years ago the exact same people would have been wearing matching tops and doing dance routines to pop tunes. That's out of style, so Mr Record Executive gets the puppets to dress "rawk" and ponce around on stage with guitars. Sickening.

Thankfully, this single (and the last) bombed, so we can look forward to this band being dropped by their record label. If they were a REAL band, this wouldn't happen, but as they were formed to make money by people who have NO interest in what this "band" says or does, it will. We can, at least, be thankful for that.

Farewell, Freefaller - we hardly knew ye. And didn't much care for ye, either.

Review 72: Band Aid 20 - Do They Know It's Christmas?

Bland-Aid.

Well, you know what they say about sequels, don't you? And that rings true here - whilst I'm sure they were aiming for a Terminator 2 kind of sequel (glossier, more expensive, self-aware but ultimately lacking the class and originality of the first part) they instead created a Matrix: Reloaded sequel - bloated, over-produced and downright awful.

Fun fact - do you know they had Paul McCartney in here and didn't want him to sing, because he was too old? True story - they wanted to appeal to the young audience out there, so they just had him play guitar and mug to the camera for the video. Perhaps the idiots that decided NOT to have one of the biggest influences in music EVER sing forgot about the "Perfect Day" charity single from a few years back (that years biggest selling single, no less), which had the likes of Tom Jones, David Bowie, Suzanne Vega, Elton John, Tammy Waynette and other older artists (as well as new talent) perform on there, and "the kids" didn't seem to mind then. They sure as hell wouldn't care if Paul McCartney (who they would've least have HEARD of) sang.

But I digress. Let them get the likes of McCartney, Tom Yorke and Damon Albarn in and NOT sing. Who needs them, when you've got the likes of, nnnnnng, Will Young, Dido, Joss Stone and Justin Hawkins singing? It's like some music executive somewhere compiled a Super-Suck list and managed to get them all to sing. The likes of Bono and Robbie Williams aside, I doubt that, in twenty years time, we'll still be talking about Busted, Sugababes and Rachel Stevens.

And special mention MUST go to the rap (because, hey, rap music is what ALL young people like and listen to, so let's have a completely out of place, un-neccasary and laughable rap in the middle). Dizzy Rascal - my hat goes off to you - you turned a bad song into a TERRIBLE one with your pathetic nasal squawking.

The worst thing about Band Aid 20 is the self-important, "THIS IS A CLASSIC" attitude that engulfs the whole project. When Bono sings His Famous Line it sounds like he's either trying to make it last as long as possible, or possibly trying to squeeze a wardrobe from between his buttocks. Either way - not a good listen.

You want to give to charity? Fine - be my guess. Put money in the tin of some guy on the street. Donate on the internet. Just don't give this sorry mess any of your attention.

Review 71: Blazin' Squad - Now Or Never

Laughable.

Like some sitcom skit come true, Blazin' Squad stormed into the charts and, er, our hearts (of thick girls, anyway) a couple of years back. And what are they? Everything you've ever laughed at - stupid British white kids pretending to be "street" and American, using phrases like "Shorty" which NO KID IN BRITAIN ACTUALLY SAYS.

Thankfully, it didn't last long. Their first single went to number one (a dire cover of "Crossroads") while the whole gang (about forty of the little tossers) stood on a high rise flat making tough faces and hand gestures, blissfully unaware that anyone over the age of twelve was laughing at them.

It really is awful stuff, but thankfully they never repeated the success of their debut, and having clogged up the charts for a little while, split up. Phew.

Now one of the little turds works in a bank. How about that, gangsta? And then another one of them went into the career graveyard that is reality television - already washed up at the age of about 16. Way to go, kids.

Now or Never, Blazin' Squad? You called it, guys.

Penelope says: Haylp The Fortress!

Well, it was either her or get endorsed by Blubber Bear and The Arkansas Chuggabug.

OK, The Fortress and The Curmudgeon need YOUR help, loyal Dweller. Heaven knows I've tried, but let's face it - five weeks in and I've yet to hit double figures on the old members list. And seeing as I'm going on holiday in a few days there will be no more updates for about 16 days, so even those chosen few may start to get bored and look elsewhere. Hey, it happens. That's why I've been filling the site with reviews and what not, giving people who DO come in plenty to look at and contribute to.

Invisible Wolfman gave me the idea about an hour ago when he posted this touching message on a DVD Board. Check it out.

Hi.

I'm bumping this thread up because I feel that some of you are missing out on something special here.

That's right, something SPECIAL.

The Curmudgeon's site is just loaded with stuff to enjoy, no matter if you enjoy what he's posted up or that you enjoy the chance to argue your point against what he's posted (doubt you'll win, it's IS The Curmudgeon's Fortress Of Solitude after all, and that's that). I think The Curmudgeon said it best when he said:

I aim to please. And infuriate.

So what are you fools waiting for? Get on over there....save your very souls from the scum of the earth at The Curmudgeon's Fortress Of Solitude!

Shit man, that is some HARD SELL right there. Awesome. Now, obviously I don't expect anyone to go down that route, but even if you visit another site, be it a chatroom or a discussion board or something, and casually throw the site address into the conversation. Like, I dunno, "oh, you don't like Independence Day either? Check out THIS review" or something (admittedly cheeseball) like that. It's asking a lot, I know, but hey - for the good of The Fortress, guys. If it even gets one, two more people making regular contributions then that can only be a good thing, right?

I hate to ask but hey, needs must. And tell you what, to sweeten the deal - the person that gets me a new Dweller can have Penelope, still tied to the chair, for two hours. No questions asked. What goes on in The Fortress, stays in The Fortress. Ohhhh yeah....

Review 70: Nelly - N Dey Say

Woah, Nelly! No, really.. woah. Please. Stop.

Quite what we did to deserve Nelly has never been explained. Was he sent to us to punish us for our sins? If so, repent, repent!

Honestly, this guy has TWO songs, both of which he's released under various different names, but quintessentially they're exactly the same. He has his upbeat, fast rap songs, where he squawks out his latest mysogynistic, bling obsessed garbage, his annoying, elastoplast covered chipmunk face going a mile a minute, or his other song, which has him going, like, all deep on us and stuff. This is his slow song, and his voice goes down a couple of octaves. This, ladies and gentlemen, he's been getting away with for years. Unbelievable.

So, if you've heard his other slow songs, like that scum magnet "Dilemma" with the personality vaccum that is Kelly Rowland, you'll know exactly what to expect. No horrendous talk of "my Boo" here though, just a well-worn sample of Spandau Ballet's "True", used for no other purpose than it'll guarantee radio play.

And can we stop with this tedious over-use of phonetic song titles? "N De Say, Hot In Herre, Iz U, Ride Wit Me".. once is fine but.. really, stop it. In the end, though, when you look at the body of this mans work, it really does show a one-sided, one dimensional two-trick pony. Who, as I imagine he may put it, is utter sheeeeeeit.

Review 69: Tony Christie - Is This The Way To Amarillo?

Bending the rules, part two.

For those who haven't read any of The Curmudgeon's other reviews (where have you BEEN?!) I'll explain the title of this review. I reviewed Robbie Williams "Angels", giving it one star but explaining it wasn't the actual SONG or the SINGER that I was slating, more the knuckle-dragging ignorant scum audiences that it attracts. Like I said then, I bend the rules because I can.

And it's the same here. "Is This The Way To Armarillo" is a cheesy classic in its own right, an enjoyable song that, for some reason, you know off by heart without ever actually remembering hearing it in the first place.

That was before it was re-released as part of Comic Relief. In a decent move, its not a cover by some boyband (as is usual in these cases, see Westlife's God-awful cover of "Uptown Girl" or Boyzones attempt at "If The Going Gets Tough"). No, they dug up Tony Christie to mime along to his original version. The real star of the show though, for some reason, is comedian Peter Kay (who I imagine some of the scum think is actually singing) to appear in the video as well, mouthing along to the track. I say "as well", more like for 95% of the video, until they remember Tony Christie is still alive and bring him for the hell of it.

Ah, yes - the video. It's actually pretty good, having Peter Kay stroll along a variety of backdrops, bringing in British TV characters from the 70's and 80's. It's a nice, "hey, look who it is" attempt, and even Peter's "hey, look! I'm just like YOU, common person" shtick doesn't wear thin.

"So.. hang on," you may be thinking, "good song. Good video - what's the problem?" Well, it's the same as the Robbie single, dear reader - it's the moronic public that ruined this for The Curmudgeon.

I think The Scum have about 8 songs in their entire collection. If they want to be "deep", they play Angels. If they want to "rock", they play The Darkness. And now this has been added, if they want a good old fashioned happy singalong - they play this. So cue EVERY kareoke night, EVERY party, forever - and some tattooed idiot is going to sing this for his yo-yo knickered girlfriend to sing and laugh along to. Or some hilarious thick dad is going to sing it for his equally dead-eyed family. And, of course, they HAVE to do the "stroll" made famous in the video.

Sounds like a deserving one star to me, don't you think?

Review 68: Ultimate Fantastic Four Volume One

A major disappointment.

Like I've said in some of my eariler reviews, sometimes this is just no fun at all. Whilst it's always funny to rip into, say, Pop Idol or something, here it's just... sad.

The Ultimate series of Marvel comics was a potentially awful idea done to surprisingly awesome effect. Taking the well worn ideas and characters from the Marvel Universe, going straight back to square one and re-imagining the origins and original characters could well have blown up in the writers faces. But not so. The writing in some of these books is simply superb, and sometimes makes the impossible seem scarily possible. Ultimate Spider-Man, of course, is a constant delight, with top class banter, witty one-liners and some brutal action (with the exception of the heartbreakingly average Venom and Carnage re-do's), and then there's the Ultimates (the Avengers) and... oooh, oodles more. Like I said - top idea.

But not here. Again, the characters are made teenagers, which is fine for, say, Spidey, who WAS a teenager in the first place, but a sixteen/seventeen year old Ben Grimm just doesn't cut it. Also, the script lacks major bite. After what we've seen with Spidey et al, we really do need something special to warrant another spin on the Marvel franchise (especially for its oldest family) and there's nothing here that excites or, crucially, convinces. In short, it just makes you pine for the original books.

The most galling thing though, is the sham that is Dr Doom (or, I'm sorry, Dr Damme). Change what you like from the original comics guys; the crummy banter, some dodgy storylines, but DO NOT REPLACE the original character names. So, what, a guy called Victor Von Doom isn't realistic, but having a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD BOY design and build the Fantasti-Car, an interdimensional rocket ship, is?? As the Human Torch himself said, "dude.. that's Fantasti-crappy."

I won't be buying THIS junk anymore.

Review 67: Frankee - F.U.R.B (Fuck You Right Back)

Two one hit wonders for the price of one.

In my last review (Westlife), I said the one thing worse than something that sucks is something that sucks copying something else that sucks. Which, spookily enough, leads me to this abomonation.

The original song by Eamon was bad enough, a whining, expletive ridden novelty track for stupid 10 year olds to laugh along to at the rude words, but did it really need a "sequel", a lame "response" to the accusations and comments made in the first song? Oh, well, looks like it did. Because now here's Frankee, who, as the record company would have us believe, was Eamon's ex-girlfriend, and the topic of the song.

So cue the EXACT same beat, EXACT same chorus, but now with Frankee's side of the story, and a laughable attempt to fit her own rhymes around the original tune. This is all great if you're some easily pleased little skank who "feels" what Frankee is going through and you believe the B.S about the two of them being items at one time.

If so - congratulations. You're an idiot.

For the rest of us, those awful few months where we had the first song sung by the first idiot replaced at number one by the second song sung by the second idiot are something we should never have to endure ever again. But, let's face it - will anyone ever talk about Frankee or Eamon ever again?

This is yet another example of the world going mad. The majority of people who buy this single will be about 12, so cue pre-pubescant girls mouthing along to those charming lyrics, and neat lines like "all those times you thought you broke my back, well guess what joe, your sex was wack."

It's a lovely thought, isn't it? Perfect for every teenage mother out there. Perfect for every irresponsible parent to allow her child to listen to.

Music for scum, end of story.

Review 66: Westlife - Allow Us To Be Frank.

Frankly awful.

Here's a quick teaser for you; what's worse than something that sucks?

Answer: something that sucks that COPIED something else that sucks.

"Allow Us To Be Frank" sees Westlife clearly having ran out of ideas. Well, not they that HAD any ideas in the first place - they're an empty-headed boyband, they say and do what they're told. But the managment team, obviously horrified that their cash cows last few singles didn't (gasp!) go to number one, hit on a previously golden idea - an album of Jazz standards, once upon a time sung by a variety of recording legends (but knowing that the braindead pondlife buying this will only have HEARD of Frank Sinatra, decided to name the record after him).

Like I said earlier, it's been done (badly) before. Robbie Williams released "Swing When You're Winning" (a take on his earlier proper album, "Sing When You're Winning" - gotta love those puns in the album titles, folks. A sure fire way of saying "ah, we were only messing around anyway" if the project fails), a dire album by all accounts, but for what Williams lacked in range and style, he made up for in originality and a genuine passion for the music he was singing and the stars he was mimicking.

So, "Swing.." sold by the bucketload. It was a massive success, which of course led to an album of Pop Idol drones singing the exact same songs on a, you guessed it, album of covers by famous Jazz singers.

Which takes us to this car crash of a record. What really gets me, and this goes for Robbie's attempt as well, is the knuckle-headed notion that because you SING songs that Frank Sinatra et al sang, you have to LOOK like them as well. So cue the slicked back hair, the suits, the smokey lounge, the smug expressions... WHY? Frank Sinatra looked like that, not because the genre demanded it, not because "that's what jazz singers look like" - but because, you know, he LOOKED like that in the first place. You want to sing jazz songs? Fine. Sing them. But why dress up? What is the point?

So, third time lucky for this gimmick, and thankfully the record buying sheep decided there was something else demanding their money this time around (some reality tv star had a single out, no doubt) and the record bombed. Hopefully this is the last time we'll see this idea wheeled out, because the sight of four guys singing songs they don't know, in a style they don't know, just because their record company tells them to, is not a pretty one. A repugnant, insulting record. Pay it no further heed.

Review 65: Psycho II (Paperback)

A first? The movie is better than the book!

How about that? Usually you watch a movie and go, "nyah.. the book was better." And, oddly, Psycho is that rare breed where both the first movie and the second are better than the books. Of course, the original Psycho is a good story, and the movie is a flawless masterpiece. But this is something different altogether - now we can say "yeah, the movie's pretty excellent actually. But the book? Gah - what the Hell was Bloch thinking?!"

Trust me, this is one time you'll be glad Bloch didn't get a say in the making of the movie (the story is 100% different). Whereas the movie has Norman going back to the motel and taking up where he left off, in this there's an (admittedly ahead of its time) idea of the original story of Psycho being made into a movie, (eat yer heart out Scream 2). But instead of making Norman, like, a PART of the story, they turn the whole book into some stupid who-dunnit filled with boring characters and really stupid plot devices. And the ending will have you throwing the book straight out the window.

I really wanted to like this, because I've enjoyed the entire Psycho movie series (even the fairly naff fourth part). But Bloch succeeds in taking Norman Bates and completely ruining him. Thankfully this book has been largely ignored, because it really doesn't deserve to be part of the Bates' legacy.

Stick with the movies.

Review 64: Urban Renewal - The Songs Of Phil Collins

Oh wait.. it's NOT a joke?

Well, someone somewhere must be laughing. A hip-hop covers album. Of that most infulential of talents, that artist that speaks volumes to all the homies out there - he'll pop a cap in your ass, yo - straight from the mean streets of, er, Chiswick - it's Phil Collins.

As baffling an idea as it is, it's easily ten times as bad as you think it might be. Cue 15 tracks of idiots covering Phil Collins songs in their own "style" all for the glorious cause of, uh, well that was never quite explained. If there's any question of quality, there's always former boyband fodder Dane Bowers to give you that seal of absolutely no-talent.

Worst offenders have to be Brandy and Ray-Jay, her dimwitted tag-a-long brother murdering "Another Day In Paradise." Ah yes, nothing more refreshing than hip hop stars, who spend their entire CAREERS ramming how much money they have down our throats preaching to US to "think twice" about the poor people in the street. Yeah, it's SUCH a nusiance running them over in your "Benz", isn't it Brandy?

A terrible concept, a pitiful range of "talent" and a laughable excuse for music, there really is only one person laughing at this dire joke - and that's Phil Collins. Ker-chiiiiiiing.

Review 63: The Last House On The Left

Over-rated JUNK.











The Curmudgeon has seen his fair share of all these "video nasties" and they're all, with the exception of previously banned standards like Clockwork Orange, Exorcist and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, complete crap. Dire acting, lousy direction - just because a film has bucket loads of fake blood does NOT make it frightening.

One of the more notorious of the banned series would be Wes Craven't Last House On The Left, a charmless movie showing what happens when normal people are pushed to the extremities of survival (like Hills Have Eyes, but nowhere near as good).

The problem with Last House On The Left isn't it's plot, which is pretty good (teenage girls go to a party, get kidnapped by rapists, get abused and then the parents get revenge), but the whole package is just so shoddy. The dialogue is awful, with poorly delivered lines that don't convince for one second (compare to the natural flow of dialogue in, say, Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and the acting is abysmal. And let's not even get started on the totally misplaced "comedy cops", along with funny music to really get the ribs tickled. Yup, after watching teenage girls get raped there's nothing funnier than stoner cops. Hee-haw.

Wes Craven would, of course, go onto far better things (Hills, Nightmare On Elm Street) but this seems to have got some kind of reputation as a long lost classic. It really isn't - it doesn't convince for a second, it's not scary and it's just another in the long line of turgid exploitation flicks. If you DO buy this movie though (those of you foolish enough to ignore The Curmudgeon's advice) you won't, like the tag-line says, be repeating to yourself "it's just a movie, it's just a movie", it'll be more along the lines of "I can sell this on ebay, I can sell this on ebay." Wretched.

Review 62: British Whale - This Town Ain't Big Enough For The Both Of Us

The worst single of 2005?

It's a tough call, what with some of the slop that's been released this year, but I think old Gollum teeth here manages it. It's a remake of the old Sparks song, and some people seem to think just because it has the two guys from Sparks in the video it's some kind of seal of quality, like its got their approval. Let's be honest here, these old coots might as well have "will appear in snuff movies for cash" pinned on their chests.

It's really quite sad just how dated and awful Justin Hawkins already is. I'm mighty glad I didn't follow the rest of the sheep and buy "Permission To Land", calling it "album of the year" or whatever, because hooo boy, is he sounding tired now. I imagine that LP won't have many repeat listens to it through the years.

Anyway, one album in and already Hawkins sounds like a weak self-parody. It actually sounds like a radio DJ doing one of those spoof songs, it's THAT weak. Justin Hawkins, ladies and gentlemen - the single biggest (bad) one trick pony in ten years.

The new Darkness LP is out in a few months time, after months of troubled production and band fallouts and members leaving. Something tells your old pal The Curmudgeon that's it not going to be the mass unit shifter Hawkins is hoping for. But expect it to get the old one star treatment from The Irresponsible Hate Monger all the same.

Review 61: Robbie Williams - Angels

The Curmudgeon bends the rules. Because he can.

If this is the first review of The Curmudgeons you've ever read, I'm going to give you a bit of an introduction, and a bit of an explanation, for this one star review.

The Curmudgeon hails from Great Britain, where Robbie Williams could pretty much replace Christ as our saviour. Honestly, they LOVE him here. His every move is front page news, his every release snapped up and sold by the million.

So why am I reviewing him on American Amazon? Simple - because Amazon UK is the biggest waste of time ever. They never print ANY reviews. You might as well write a review and then flush it down the toilet than put it on Amazon UK.

Anyway, The Curmudgeon's "thing" is to review the worst of the worst, the baddest of the bad, and give them all a deserving one star. But here I'm going to bend the rules a little - this isn't one of the worst songs ever written, and it doesn't deserve one star. I have a lot of time for Robbie - frankly I think the UK is in dire need of some decent male pop stars (and NOT some adonyne boy band wannabe from some reality show either), and Angels is.. well, it's nice. A decent song.

So here's why it's getting the one star treatment - not because of the song, not because of the singer - but because of the people who LISTEN to it. Angels has kinda taken a whole new life now, it's became this untouchable anthem adored by every dullard you've ever hated. Every empty-headed, yo-yo knickered slag thinks its "their" song, and hordes of morons across the UK will say this is a "classic choon, maaaan". Do you know this was voted (by the public, always a recipe for disaster) the best song in the last thirty years? It beat Joy Division, for God's sake. I think even Robbie is embarrassed by it all, but that doesn't stop a million cretins for thinking it makes them all deep and stuff for liking it.

Sorry Robbie, it's not you - it's not the song. But if you're one of the drones that insists on playing this in pubs, insists on murdering it at kareoke - if you're planning on walking down the aisle to this - then it's aimed squarely at YOU. For shame.

Ponder - And Discuss.

OK, here's something for you all to think about and, as the title suggests - discuss, stating examples if you disagree.

Horror Movies - Best decade was the 1970's.

Although the original Universal monster movies defined the genre in the 30's and 40's, I think this decade set the tone and raised the bar considerably from the shlocky B-movies from the 50's and 60's (Hitchcock notwithstanding).

Examples - Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Evil Dead, Halloween, Exorcist, Omen.


Comedy Movies - Best decade was the 1980's.

whereas nowadays it's teenagers doing gross things for cheap laughs, in the 1980's there were genuinely funny people (ah yes, comedians, I think they were called) doing funny things, bending rules and mixing genre's.

Examples - Man With Two Brains, Ferris Buellers Day Off, Airplane!, Planes Trains And Automobiles.

"Independent" movies - Best decade was the 1990's.


Don't really know how else to put this, but you'll probably know what I mean. The quirky, character driven movies that didn't cost a billion dollars to make but certainly ended up making them. What's another word for it? Tarantino movies? Help a brother out here.

Examples - Trainspotting, Usual Suspects, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, True Romance, Shallow Grave.

Action movies - Best decade was the 1980's.

Car chases, cool characters, good fight scenes, iconic dialogue.. wheras the action movie nowadays is something of an embarrassment (I'm sorry? Who's your leading actor? Jason Statham? Well, best just "transport" me someplace else), in the 80's some of the best movies were..

Examples - Commando, Running Man, Rambo, Police Story, Die Hard, Lethal Weapon.

Sci-Fi movies - Best decade was the 1980's.

Although Star Wars came in the '70's, it was the 1980's that fully exploited its popularity, giving birth to a million inferior copies, but also some spectacular movies as well. Some of these could arguably go in the "Action" genre, but what the hell - same decade.

Examples - Aliens, Predator, Star Man, The Thing, ET, Tron, Empire Strikes Back, Terminator.

Superhero movies - best decade is the 00's.

I refuse to say the "noughties" (ugh!) I know this could be tied in with action and sci-fi but hey, it's The Fortress. Anything goes. And it's my favourite type of movie anyway. And let's face it, we have all been spoiled for choice in the last six years. OK, there have been some cracking superhero movies throughout the years, but the level of success Spider-Man achieved opened so many doors and gained new respect for the spandex set. Finally the mind-bending ideas could finally be realised with today's special effects, and true writers with knowledge and passion of the books were the ones making the movies and calling the shots.

Examples - Batman Begins, Spider-Man, X-Men, Punisher, Unbreakable, Hulk.


And, uh.. that'll do for now. Any more genres I care to mention (or indeed, you care to mention, feel free. Just try and follow this pattern).

Oh The Shame! Reveal YOUR Criminal Records!

Listening to music is one of The Curmudgeon's many passions. I've been buying CD's and the like for a good few years (well, too many years to count, actually) and, well, they've not all been five star classics. Spur of the moment, bargain basement prices and downright drunkenness have lead to some absolutely shocking music purchases.

I'm sure I'm not the only one, either. So here we put their spirits to rest, confessing our sins and revealing our very own Criminal Records. What constitutes a Criminal Record? Well, this isn't some poe-faced two fingers at pop music or anything like that. Hell, I have an A-Teens CD (manufactured pop puppets sing bouncy happy pop songs - and the blonde is to DIE for) and I still think it's awesome. A Criminal Record is a release that you'd cringe if someone found at a party whilst raking through your CD's, and also something you know full well you'll never listen to again. A total "What WAS I thinking" experience.

I'll go first..

1. Doop - Doop.

For those that haven't heard it, this novelty single was a number one single way back in 1994 or something. And, appallingly, it was the very first single I ever bought. I think I can safely say it has not been played in ten years.

2. Spice Girls - LOTS.

Man, I had a big liking for the Spice Girls. I thought Geri Halliwell was quite simply one of the most awesome female specimens on the planet (still wouldn't say no, either). I bought Wannabe when it came out, and then toyed with buying the actual album for a good few weeks, well aware of what it would do to my "cred". I eventually gave in, bought it and the next few singles as well as the second album. I now own 7 Spice Girls records which, really though, is about seven too many.

3. Teletubbies - Say Eh Oh

You know, for the life of me I can't even fathom WHY I bought this. When would I listen to it? What possible reason could I have had for wanting to spend money on this? A post-modern, ironic gesture? Um.. yeah, that's it. This CD is in mint condition - I wonder why?

OK, I've done three. I'll reveal some more if someone goes next. Come on, let those skeletons out for air..

The Curmudgeon Gives Invisible Wolfman A Hug!

In a macho, manly way of course.

Attention, Fortress dwellers: The Invisible Wolfman has now been forever inducted into that most hallowed of tomes: The Curmudgeon Book Of Cool.

Through various e-mails and correspondence through the pages of The Fortress Of Solitude, IWM learned that I'm a fan of (amongst other things) Prince and comic books. So what does he do? Offers to send me, for nothing, a Prince DVD and a graphic novel of the Crow. Just because he could, and just because he wanted to.

Question: How cool is that?

Answer: Very.

So this is an official way of saying thank you to our very own unseen moon howler. A very cool guy, and no mistake.

Many thanks, Wolfman. I've never had anyone send me things before, but a Prince DVD and an (awesome looking) graphic novel? It surely doesn't get better than that.

You see, THIS is what I want from The Fortress Of Solitude; people to send me things. Na, kidding - a tight knit, here's that word, community of like minded people who enjoy talking to each other and, through time, get to know one another.

And today, that goal took one giant leap towards reality. It doesn't happen often, but The Curmudgeon is smiling.

You're not American. You're not from a ghetto. So shut the fuck up.

America - you have a lot to answer for.

The British stereotype is annoying. The bowler hats, The "Oh I say" mannerisms, the tea drinking.. like any stereotype, it's completely wrong. In movies, British kids are always posh, intelligent types with shiny cheeks and perfect manners. The bad kids are the same, they just scowl a lot. From Mary Poppins to Harry Potter, this hasn't changed.

I would PREFER that stereotype in place of what British children and teenagers are turning into nowadays, after being brainwashed by the hip-hop dominated MTV and being submerged by American culture.

Don't get me wrong, American culture is great. I'm not taking a pop at America by any stretch of the imagination (can you imagine popular culture without it? No Prince. No Marvel or DC. No Simpsons. No.. Jeez, I could go on forever) but the creatively vapid, vulgar rap genre that has our kids looking and acting like the image above. Monkey see, monkey do and there are no bigger monkeys than the idiotic kids who are tying to look and sound like 50 Cent etc.

I had a brain-numbing net "conversation" a couple of weeks ago with a sixteen year old boy from Leeds who considered himself a "Hustla". And when I mocked this I was called a "Faggot-ass beyotch." And I just wish I was making this up.

If you go into any of these "My Space" domains you'll see British kids doing West Side hand gestures, absolutely oblivious to how stupid they look. Of course, the character of Ali G was a spot-on piss-take of these fools, and even though he was popular it hasn't made the slightest bit of difference. I saw a kids magazine giving away a plastic necklace with the words "Free Bling" on the front.

And then, of course, there's Tim Westwood. For those that don't know, Westwood is a British, 47 year old DJ who, oblivious to irony, stands in pictures with his arms folded next to expensive cars. His catchphrases (thank you, Wikipedia) include..

* "Damn that's the way it's going down ..."
* "Feelin' that!"
* "MMMmmm..."
* "Nothing but Big Things!!"
* "Drop the bomb!!"
* "Fall Back"
* "UNDERSTAND THAT!"
* "That's Mad Gangsta"
* "Bow down and kiss the ring!"
* "That's a big look out there!!"
* "King Pin of the car game!!"
* "We out - one!" (at the end of his show)


Honestly, besides the latest rap cretin from Detroit, who TALKS like that? Sadly - about fifty percent of people under 20 in Britain, and it's going to get worse. Go into any chatroom in the UK and you'll see them, talking about ho's and droppin' beats and God alone knows what else.

So the message from The Fortress is this - DO NOT accept it. If you see or hear any stupid kids talking like this, correct them, make them realise how moronic they sound. Stamp this virus out forever. Now, I'm off for a nice pot of tea. Pip pip.

An Announcement From The Curmudgeon

Well, that's almost been a month since The Fortress opened its doors, and whilst this place hasn't exactly been fit to bursting, I would like to thank the few dedicated members for continuing to show up and, well, mouth off.

It was never, and will never be, my intention to get a thousand members or anything like that. The idea was always to have a solid base of ten, maybe fifteen like minded people who log in every couple of days to "hang out", as it were. It's not really THAT unrealistic a goal; my Amazon reviews (which have this site address on them) have gained 408 positive reviews. Now if just ten percent of those people came onto the site... well, you see where I'm going with this.

Thing is, this website I've joined up on is far too restrictive. Anyone coming in can only talk about or comment on what I'M getting all hot and bothered about, and that's hardly keeping in touch with the "say anything" attitude I had in mind when I originally started this.

So, here's the deal. If there IS something you want to say, some rant or subject you want to give your two cents on - write it and mail it to me, and I'll put it on the site as an individual entry that people can comment on. It's not a perfect situation (I would like for anyone to come in and post their thoughts) but there's nothing I can do about that. This is the best solution.

Don't worry, I'm still going to be on here spewing venom and bile, but if YOU want to give your views on something I've not covered, or whatever (remember the rule - ANYTHING goes in The Fortress) then mail me here..

The_Curmudgeon_Hates_You@yahoo.co.uk

You don't have to, of course. If you're happy popping along and reading what The Curmudgeon is saying then that is all well and groovy. But, hey - choice is everything. Without it we'd be communists.

So, come along to The Fortress Of Solitude and vent your spleen. You'll live longer, and look sexier.

Review 60: Bratz Baby Doll Cloe

Not wanting to upset the kids or anything, but....

Well, if ever proof were needed that the world has gone to Hell - look no further than this abomonation. For those that haven't actually heard of these toys, take a look at them. They're called "Bratz", and are aimed at pre-teenage girls. They dress like hookers, have big pouting lips and are obviously aimed at adults that don't know any better to buy their impressionable little girls. "Bratz" isn't the word I would use - I think "Slutz" would be a more fitting term. Seriously - take a look at the others they have on sale here. Am I the only one to think there's just something a bit off about this whole range?

But that's not all - let's have these Bratz as BABIES, dressed as hookers - how adorable is that? Answer - not at all. The Curmudgeon is no prude, but this sort of image is just not healthy, and certainly nothing to be encouraged. Kids buying these dolls will want to LOOK like these dolls - so cue your darling nine year old daughter dressing up like Christina Aguliera in her Dirrty video. Perfect if you're that odd guy from two door down who watches kids through the keyhole, but for ordinary people it's a scary step too far.

Don't get me wrong - kids need toys. Kids need to play, they need imagination and fun and games. What they DON'T need is some cynical toy aimed at the kids who spend their days melting their brains watching the endless T&A on MTV and want their dolls to look like the girls gyrating on screen. It's sick and wrong, and is just one more example of corrupting the youth that we all seem to take for granted these days.

Bottom line? If you buy these toys for your kids you're a BAD PARENT.

But then, maybe you're reading this and laughing at that carazzy old Curmudgeon and his wacky views. Go ahead - buy the doll, give in to your whinging offspring. May I suggest a nice compliment gift to go with it? How about a nice pack of birth-control pills?

Review 59: Star Wars Episode One DVD

Kiss your childhood dreams goodbye.

I'm not sure when it was.. 10 minutes in, 20.. when the creeping, utterly unwanted thought came into my head the first time I watched this film - "oh no.. it's really, really BAD."

Fair enough, few films could meet the hype and expectations that THIS one had, but it must have took some considerable skill to screw it up THIS much. As a bog-standard sci-fi adventure, it's average. Looks mighty nice, sure, but there's nothing there. The one promising character (Darth Maul) is in it for about four minutes, and the rest are bland cardboard cut-outs - all except one, which we'll get to later. As a Star Wars movie, which gave us Han Solo, Boba Fett, the Death Star, Jabba, Darth Vader, speeder bikes and countless other iconic moments which are engrained on a whole generations minds - it's borderline criminal.

There is none of the flair of the first movies, no witty one-liners, no quoteable moments - and absolutely ZERO chemistry between any of the characters. For what it could have been, and for what has went before it, it really could be one of the worst films ever made.

One of the main characters who helps this film garner that accolade? Step forward Jar Jar Binks. Was he supposed to be funny? Loveable? I don't know - because every time I see him I want to hurt kittens. Every time I hear him I want to shoot puppies. The most loathsome, teeth-nashingly AWFUL character in the history of movies, he nontheless takes up CHUNKS of movie time - falling over! Talking in a stupid voice! Stepping in dung! You'll laugh till you slit your wrists.

I guess this is what happens when you become TOO powerful. George Lucas seriously needed someone to whisper into his ear, "you know, George.. maybe we need a drastic re-think, here".

But alas, that wasn't to be. So we have the turgid first part, the arguably worse second part and the good third part, before we can get onto the REAL Star Wars movies.

Because this? It's worse than the Holiday Special (and if you don't know what THAT is - you've missed a treat....)

Review 58: Man-Thing DVD

A Crying Shame.

Sigh. Sometimes these reviews are no fun to write. While it's fun to laugh at pop idol and the like, and the losers that watch it, it's sometimes hard to write negative one star reviews on things you desperatly wanted to like.

Take Man-Thing. Dunno if you've read any of The Curmudgeon's reviews before, but I'm a comic book movie collector; anything live-action related to superheroes or comics I'm there. Sometimes its a drag, buying stuff you know you'll hate (Catwoman, Popeye, Batman and Robin) but I really did have high hopes for this.

Why? Well, Man-Thing isn't exactly a well known comic book figure, so I reckoned the people responsible were creating a labour of love, a movie based on a character THEY love. How wrong I was. I doubt the idiots responsible for this mess even thumbed through a few pages of a Man-Thing comic.

So, instead of Man-Thing, a tragic anti-hero who feeds on raw emotion (hate, anger, fear), we get a zero imagination monster movie where, for no reason at all, Man-Thing attacks teenagers and hicks in the swamps.

The ONE thing they managed to get right was Man-Thing's original name - Ted Sallis. But they still mananged to screw that up. In the comic he was a scientist working on a follow up to the Super Soldier serum (that created Captain America, fact fans) when it all goes wrong - in this he's an Indian chief who, like, angered the Gods or something.

Yup - an Indian Chief. Called Ted.

What's really galling is there's so much potential here. The acting is half decent, the location of the swamps is fine and creepy, and Man-Thing doesn't look at all bad, and the film's an 18 certificate so there's no need to tone down the violence. If they had just got someone with a passion and knowledge of the comics,instead of some talentless hack who just wanted to make a pointless monster mash but with a Marvel name tacked on, they really could have had something special. Instead they've made a sub-par horror film, something to watch at 2am and laugh at.

I'm going to go punch someone in the throat.

Review 57: Bowling For Soup - A Hangover You Don't Deserve

A Record Deal They Don't Deserve.

If there's one thing The Curmudgeon can't STAND, it's comedy rock. You know the sort I mean; inoffensive, jangly poppy garbage sung by non-threatening dorks with stupid hair and even stupider facial expressions as they gurn away at the camera. There's a million of these bands, for some reason, and Bowling For Soup have a new record out, they suck, so I may as well take a swipe at them.

It amazes me that these idiots manage to knock entire albums out when its quite clear they have absolutley NOTHING of note to say. Well, except for "I'm a loser. She's a babe, duuuuude." Because that's what EVERY song is about. And for some reason, despite looking about 35, they all keep singing about high school, and every video has them in high school. Hmmm, d'ya think they're trying to reach a target demographic at all?

So, cue funny outfits, funny faces and funny songs about not getting any and getting beat up at school, and please pay particular attention to their base player, who they dress up in a number of hilarious outfits and have doing lots of hilarious things. Why are they hilarious? Because he's totally fat, duuuuude! And when I say totally fat, I mean in a fatally obese way. Trust me, if this band makes another five albums, they won't all be with the Heart Attack Man.

Rock music for people who don't LIKE rock music is one thing. We have the likes of The Darkness and Limp Bizkit for that (well, we did.. I can't imagine either of those bands being relevant anymore) - but this is a new genre - stupid music for stupid people. Don't even THINK about it.

Review 56: Lost Season One DVD

For The Last Time - Things The Curmudgeon Actually LIKES!

What's that old saying about the best laid plans of mice and men? Because it sure fits in here. Hello, I'm The Curmudgeon, and for 50 reviews now I've been slating the baddest of the bad, the most laughable, awful drivel known to man. For (supposedly) five reviews though, I decided to write about things that I really liked. Then Amazon decided NOT to print one of them, meaning I had to replace it with something. Then they decided to print it anyway. Leaving me with six instead of five. Hey-ho. Thank YOU, Amazon.

Anyway, I'm from the UK so haven't actually SEEN all of this show yet. Now, I know some of you may be thinking "what kind of knee-jerk reactionary dimwit puts something in his list of top things ever when he hasn't actually SEEN all of it yet?" And you'd be right. That's why these public votes on "The Best Albums Ever" are so worthless, because The Scum merely put the last album they bought as the best ever - hence why you get Franz Ferdinand albums high up in those lists.

But I'm not here just to talk about Lost itself. Awesome, awesome show as it is, full of great, fully fleshed characters with believable dialogue (if at first slightly mawkish.. "count the fear away", indeed) and some terrific pulse-pounding moments and a great "gaaaaaah, don't end NOW" sense of driven suspense. What is really great about Lost is that it's a superb TV show that The Scum all get excited about as well.

You know who The Scum are; the wretched, easily-pleased, watch whatever drivel is on, buy whatever's popular, wouldn't have a single original thought if their lives depended on it - yeah, you know what I mean - THEM. It's a show that THEY watch, and they don't even have to phone up and vote anyone off. There isn't a lame cover-version single released by "their favourite" at the end of it. It doesn't have desperate wannabes or even more desperate "celebrities" trying to claw their way into newspaper colum inches.

In short - it's not reality television, the most hideous form of entertainment on the planet.

And for that, we should be thankful. We should embrace Lost to our hearts and never let it go. This isn't some "Cult" show, it's not some God-awful sitcom a la Will And Grace - it's intelligent, thought-provoking drama that's got smart people, you and me, and thick people - The Scum, ALL watching.

Now, here's the best part. TV execs might see that Lost is doing so well and think, "hey, you know what? This Lost program is kicking ass in the ratings.. and look at the DVD sales. I might take this 10 million budget I have here and NOT comission another series of Pop Idol, but instead spend it developing ANOTHER cutting edge drama, with, you know, real actors and real scripts and.. what was that word again? Oh yeah - TALENT."

We can but dream.

There. Positive reviews all done. Back to normal after this, but what dire piece of filth will be getting The Curmudgeon treatment? There's only one way to find out...

Review 55: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

For A Limited Time Only! Things The Curmudgeon Actually LIKES - Part Five!

Hmmm, now see.. this is where it gets complicated. Not to bog you all down in backstory, but this was SUPPOSED to be the fifth and final part of a series where, instead of slating the worst things Amazon sells, I praise only the very best. But the brain surgeons at Amazon haven't printed my "Hunky Dory" David Bowie review, so TCM turns out to be part four. But if they DO print the review, it'll be part five. Or something.

Anyway, onto TCM. Those of you only familiar with the glossy, decent (but fairly redundant) remake are sorely missing out - this is the best horror film EVER made. Better than the Exorcist, better than the Wicker Man.. hell, better than Psycho. Yes, really.

The thing about TCM, it's grainy, raw look gives it a feeling of undeniable realism. There's no "ziiiiiiiing" jump cut effects like there are in EVERY horror film now (as effective as they are), no post-modern dialogue coming from overly beautiful people and, perhaps most surprisingly of all - no gore.

Yes, a massacre it may well be, but Leatherface and co don't give the censors an easy time of snipping parts out - there's very little blood on show. For the sheer brutality of the movie, it's all left to the imagination of what's happening. And that's what sets the Texas Chainsaw Massacre miles and miles apart from its other previously banned, controversial ilk.

This movie is a horror masterpiece, a film that, from the uneasy feel of the opening sequence with the Hitchhiker to the heartstopping chase through the woods, will have you rooted to your seat. You owe it to yourself to own this movie.

There. Done. Well, I would have been, if not for Amazon. So now what? I'll have to review something ELSE I like. Ah.. I know JUST the thing.....

Review 54: The Marvel Universe

For A Limited Time Only! Things The Curmudgeon Likes - Part Four!

As an acknowledgement of reaching 50 reviews of warning YOU not to buy the worst things ever, I thought a change of pace was needed - so, five reviews then, urging you to buy some of the best things ever. Part four of five, then...

Whilst this sort of book, a run through of the Marvel Universe, would have been essential 10 years ago, with the onslaught of the internet it seems a little pointless. Yeah, it's always nice to have these things actually in your hand, but there are countless internet sites that have all this information, and those are updated, with new pics and facts and histories... another nail in the coffin for the humble book, I'm afraid.

But I'm not here to actually talk about THIS book per se. I'm here to talk about Marvel in particular, and why it's one of the five things that makes The Curmudgeon's world go round. I'd like to think of myself as a big comic book fan, but in reality I haven't even scratched the surface of a lot of work and titles out there. I suppose it's a bit like a Pop Idol fan - fairly ignorant except for what's put in front of them. Hell, I'd like to read more comics from outside the "mainstream", as it were, but it's all about the Benjamins, baby. I just can't afford it. Anyone wants to recommend a title The Curmudgeon really SHOULD take a look at, drop me a line.

Saying that, I think I'm pretty well versed on the Marvel Universe. And what a Universe it is; these characters are so rich, so varied and nowadays have such brilliant writers its impossible not to get sucked into it all. When you read just some of the genre defining characters that the likes of Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created, it boggles the mind..

The Hulk, Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Punisher, Daredevil, Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Howard The Duck..

Ahem. Well, maybe not the last one. But seriously, the stories in the Marvel comics have given me so much enjoyment over the years its hard to put into words. DC are OK, and have a fair share of great characters (arguably more famous than Marvel's) but they lack the depth and style that Marvel have (really though, how BORING is Superman?)

As a side note, anyone wanting to maybe introduce themselves to the Marvel Universe but find themselves a bit swamped with all the history etc, try the Ultimate Marvel comics (especially Spider-Man). They take the characters back to square one, but give their origins etc a modern spin. The writing in these comics is some of the finest you'll see in ANY form.

The Curmudgeon THANKS you, Marvel. Excelsior!

Keep your eye out for the continuation of the limited series of positive Curmudgeon reviews!

Review 52: David Bowie - Hunky Dory

For A Limited Time Only! Things The Curmudgeon Actually LIKES - Part Three..

Hello. If this is the first review by The Curmudgeon that you've read, the above title may seem a little odd. Well, you see, my Amazon schtick involves rating only the very worst DVD's and CD's imaginable. I'm talking reality TV spawned singers. I'm talking lame sequels. Hell, I'm talking Martin Lawrence.

But not today. I reached 50 reviews slating the worst things I could find, and so decided for a change of pace for 5 reviews. Here I will review only the very best, the things that makes The Curmudgeon's world all bright, pink and fluffy. Strictly in a macho, hetero way of course. Ahem.

So, "Hunky Dory" by David Bowie. First off, let me squash an unkind assumption, that all of Bowie's more recent works are fairly worthless. They're not at all. His more recent albums have been excellent, and, indeed, it was his jungle-inspired dance song "Little Wonder" that got me into old weird eyes in the first place.

This though, I believe, is his best album. A record of depth, character and considerable humour, it goes from pop perfection, ("Changes", the chorus of "Oh You Pretty Things" is simply irresistably bouncy) to heartbreaking ("Quicksand", quite possibly my favourite every Bowie song). What it lacks in Ziggy Stardust's guitar feedback and snotty attitude, it makes up for in quiet contemplation and honesty, yet still managing to be a superb listening experience. Years from now you'll still be playing it, still be discovering something new.

Hunky Dory is, quite simply, a rock masterclass. Decades ahead of its time (the remastered version, away from some of the hiss and crackle of earlier pressings, sounds like it could have been released yesterday), it raised the bar about twenty notches over everything else. I doubt anyone has ever managed to top it.

There. Part three of five. That didn't hurt it, did it? Two more to go, but what, but what?

Review 51: Wizard Of Oz Three Disc Collectors Edition

For A Limited Time Only! Things The Curmudgeon Actually LIKES - Part Two..

As a celebration of the fact The Curmudgeon reached 50 reviews slating the worst of the worst, the baddest of the bad, I thought I would do something a little different and review 5 things that The Curmudgeon actually LIKES. Well, it's either that or I review King Kong Lives - you choose.

Anyway, "likes" is a vast, vast understatement when you're talking about THIS movie. Quite simply one of the greatest movies of all time, a timeless, magical, eternally charming masterpiece that hasn't aged one bit. I haven't bought this new version yet (I have the original SE release) but from what I've read the picture quality has been fully restored so that it looks brand new (so clear and crisp you can see a previously un-noticable chip in the Tin Man's nose - THAT good quality).

The original SE was good enough, but this three disc(!) gem looks to have everything you could ever want to know about the movie (as well as some shorts and other old movies about Oz - all of them MUST sees for The Curmudgeon).

But let's talk about the film. There probably isn't anything to say that hasn't been said about The Wizard Of Oz, but it really can melt the hardest heart (well, look at me, for one). It's still funny, the effects are still great, the songs are still brilliant, the acting is just absolutley spot-on.. they really DON'T make them like this anymore.

The Curmudgeon has yet to father an heir, but when he/she is old enough to, like, remember stuff, you can bet I'll be plonking them down in front of the TV and showing them this.

A brilliant movie, a brilliant DVD release. What more can you ask for?

There - no nasty jokes, no insults - this is The Curmudgeon talking about stuff HE likes. For a limited time only, remember.. three more good reviews to go.. but what will they be....?

Review 50: Prince - The Gold Experience

For A Limited Time Only! Things The Curmudgeon Actually LIKES!

As a celebration of the fact The Curmudgeon reached 50 reviews slating the worst of the worst, the baddest of the bad, I thought I would do something a little different and review 5 things that The Curmudgeon actually LIKES. Well, it's either that or I review King Kong Lives - you choose.

Prince is my favourite musician of all time. I love music, go to gigs all the time and all my spare cash gets spent on either CD's or DVD's. And even though I love other albums and artists, it's always Prince I go back to the most.

The Gold Experience is arguably not Prince's best album (the cliche is, of course, to say Sign O' The Times), but its The Curmudgeon's personal favourite, because not only does it still hook you in with its irresistable opening song P. Control (an outrageous spin on girl power.. put it this way, the "P" is another name for a cat. Mm-hmm.) to the heartbreakingly gorgeous finale of Gold, but because it brings back so many memories of when I first listened to it on its original day of release. I knew from the opening few beats that I had just bought something very special indeed.

This is Prince's first album under the Artist Formerly Known As name (which, by the way, I LOVED everything about.. the idea, the way he brought it into his music, everything. In fact - rare Curmudgeonly scoop - I have the Prince symbol tattooed on my arm). As a result, its full of "Prince is dead" type messages, but lets talk about the music some more.

Prince's only UK number one (Jesus, how sad is THAT?!) The Most Beautiful Girl In The World, gets another airing and different mix, (already available in a single and 8 different versions on The Beautiful Experience EP), as well as axed single Dolphin, a gorgeous pop song with some superb lyrics and guitar - a real shame this was never heard on the radio.

18 tracks in all, there isn't much in the way of filler, even if Billy Jack Bitch turns into a bit of a tedious noise near the end. The likes of Shy, Eye Hate U and Now will have you playing this album for YEARS.

You need it in your life.