Review 59: Star Wars Episode One DVD

Kiss your childhood dreams goodbye.

I'm not sure when it was.. 10 minutes in, 20.. when the creeping, utterly unwanted thought came into my head the first time I watched this film - "oh no.. it's really, really BAD."

Fair enough, few films could meet the hype and expectations that THIS one had, but it must have took some considerable skill to screw it up THIS much. As a bog-standard sci-fi adventure, it's average. Looks mighty nice, sure, but there's nothing there. The one promising character (Darth Maul) is in it for about four minutes, and the rest are bland cardboard cut-outs - all except one, which we'll get to later. As a Star Wars movie, which gave us Han Solo, Boba Fett, the Death Star, Jabba, Darth Vader, speeder bikes and countless other iconic moments which are engrained on a whole generations minds - it's borderline criminal.

There is none of the flair of the first movies, no witty one-liners, no quoteable moments - and absolutely ZERO chemistry between any of the characters. For what it could have been, and for what has went before it, it really could be one of the worst films ever made.

One of the main characters who helps this film garner that accolade? Step forward Jar Jar Binks. Was he supposed to be funny? Loveable? I don't know - because every time I see him I want to hurt kittens. Every time I hear him I want to shoot puppies. The most loathsome, teeth-nashingly AWFUL character in the history of movies, he nontheless takes up CHUNKS of movie time - falling over! Talking in a stupid voice! Stepping in dung! You'll laugh till you slit your wrists.

I guess this is what happens when you become TOO powerful. George Lucas seriously needed someone to whisper into his ear, "you know, George.. maybe we need a drastic re-think, here".

But alas, that wasn't to be. So we have the turgid first part, the arguably worse second part and the good third part, before we can get onto the REAL Star Wars movies.

Because this? It's worse than the Holiday Special (and if you don't know what THAT is - you've missed a treat....)