The Fortress Casting Couch

Who do YOU want in the best movie roles?

It happens every time.

Every time a spin on a popular franchise is announced, the internet explodes with people saying what a terrible cast there is. Too big, too small, too British, too American, too white, too black.. hell, look no further than the rabid fury the new James Bond is getting for proof of how picky people can be.

So it's time now, at The Fortress, for us all to decide who would be the best for the movie franchises you just KNOW they're going to make. Cinema schedules are full of remakes, comic book adaptations and old TV show "re-imaginings." So if you thought Ving Rhames as Kojak was a bad idea (and you wouldn't be alone), give your own thought to who could play the following..


1. The A-Team

2. Dungeons and Dragons (1980's cartoon series)

3. Knight Rider

4. Captain America



I'll let you decide. You can cast a few, or one or all. Or none. (But that would suck).

I'll have a bit of a think about it and post my own cast soon. Feel free to throw in any other franchises that need casting too.

Mirror Match!

Yaaaaaay - ANOTHER new section!

Yes indeed, loyal Dwellers – another new section that will crop up from time to time, and it’s not one that takes much explaining. Mirror Match – ripped from the Mortal Kombat series but instead of poorly digitised characters fighting themselves, we will be discussing characters from movies who have been played by different characters – and who was the best.

Feel free to start up your own “versus” (although you must give a winner), but I’ll start the ball rolling with a few to get the discussions going. Agree, disagree – speak your mind.

Round One – FIGHT!

Best Batman.

Contenders – Michael Keaton, Adam West, George Clooney, Christian Bale, Lewis Wilson and Val Kilmer.

First of all, George Clooney gets knocked THE FUCK out from the start. His “character” is basically the same character George Clooney plays in every film (bar From Dusk ‘Till Dawn) – smug, “I know I’m handsome” and, well, basically George Clooney. Worst Batman ever. Val Kilmer mistakes “tortured” for “boring” and can sit out too. Old timer Lewis Wilson (from the 1940's cinema serials) was a pretty good Batman; solid looking, deep voiced and pretty serious, but he’s not enough to withstand the best Batman’s, of which it’s a tough call to name a winner. Michael Keaton was good; suave, wild-eyed and the first to show Batman as a troubled soul (and the only actor to survive more than one movie) until his real successor arrived – Christian Bale. Well built, handsome but with a hint of something far darker hiding behind the smile, Bale brought Batman back with a bang – great things are still to come. As good as he is, though – can he dance? Can he slide down poles hidden in his library? Can he punch sharks hanging onto his leg? Didn’t think so – only one man ever could. Step forward Adam West, the definitive Batman.

Round Two – FIGHT!

Best Willy Wonka

Contenders – Johnny Depp and Gene Wilder.

There was always a lot of rumour going around who could play Willy Wonka, (even Marilyn Manson’s name popped up a few times. That would have been something to see) but when Depp’s name was mentioned there was a sense of – “oh.. of course!” Depp’s shiny-eyed kookiness was infectious, but the role really did belong to Wilder, not least for his tantrum at the end; “Good-day, sir! YOU LOSE!” Gene Wilder gave a far creepier performance than Depp’s camp child’s TV presenter, and the boat ride is still enough to give anyone nightmares. Wilder wins this one convincingly.

And I’ll leave Round Three open, in case any of you want to suggest your own Mirror Match. Or rip apart my two opinions. Either’s good.

Review 90: Khia - My Neck My Back

Yet another skank-anthem clogs up the charts.


God almighty, but The Curmudgeon shudders to imagine the kind of pond-life that bought THIS single, a dire attempt to be sexy and shocking, but resulting in something that's as erotic as waking up next to the corpse of the Notorious BIG.

So, we have all the right boxes ticked to get the scum to buy it - rude words, rude video - kerchiiing. Never mind that the song is tedious beyond belief, or that the singer looks like Bobby Brown on the single cover - listen! She's saying rude words! All the time! Buy, buy, buy!

It really is a sorry excuse for a song, and what the cretins that bought it don't realise is that the likes of, say, Prince, could knock out something far sexier as an afterthought. But all the stupid, easily pleased yo-yo knickered harlots bought this anyway because, once again - she says rude words! All the time!

Feeble.

Review 89: Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)

Re-released for ALL the wrong reasons.

It's a sad fact that this is going to be, let's face it, the only song Pete Burns is famous for. Dead Or Alive could have 30 albums under their belt, but this is the only thing the great unwashed are going to remember.

Ah yes - the great unwashed. The general public. The scum. Let's talk about them, because they are the main reason this song is a hit in the UK charts again. Now, 6 months ago the scum couldn't have told you who Pete Burns was if you'd threatened to set a dog on them. But now, everyone knows him, along with a dozen other relics desperate for cash and attention - Celebrity Big Brother.

Now, if there's one thing that gets the scum excited its television with the word "Celebrity" in the title. But if there's two other words that get the scum salivating like rabid loons - it's Big Brother. The daddy of them all, the one we can all point our finger at and blame for the state of television - the king of the most wretched, loathsome source of "entertainment" - reality television.

I don't blame Pete Burns. Even HE says he's sick of this song. I don't blame the record companies - they're out to make cash any way they can, and if they can dust off a twenty year song to make some quick and easy cash, why shouldn't they? No - I blame the scum. The most easily pleased, empty headed, "tell us what to buy and we will" pathetic cretins that fill the charts with manufactured reality television spawned monstrosities, fill the TV schedules with brain-numbing, identikit reality programs, the people that don't have a single original thought in their stupid, thick heads. SCUM. These parasites wouldn't play this record for a bet six months ago, now they feel like it's "theirs". And all because of some soul-sucking television show.

A great song, of course, but what a tragic turn of events that it has to become popular again in THIS way. If you watched that program, if you bought this single because of that program, you are simply not good enough to be reading this review.

Review 88: Various Artists - What's Goin' On?

God almighty - what IS going on??

OK, bare with me people - this one's going to be tough. I mean, one look at the names on this charity EP are enough to give any normal person nightmares; Nelly, J-Lo, Moby, Fred Durst.. it's like one giant super-suck attack. And that's just what they do to this timeless classic - attack it, rip out its heart and leave a ghastly, noisy pointless mess.

So, the radio version is up first, which has well known political persona's like Justin Timberlake and Fred Durst telling us how bad the world is. The gimmick of the video is that they're all blindfolded. Pity those blindfolds didn't all slip and we could have had the world's first mass hanging. Certainly clean the music world up a bit. Anyway, it's rubbish, a poor attempt at a milestone hit. But, oh Lord, there's more to come.

The "London" version (recorded in, ah, London. Lucky it wasn't Skegness) has the likes of Bono and Chris Martin from dull uber-band Coldplay. You will no longer fear Hell after you hear Chris Martin sing this song. It is quite easily the worst thing you'll hear all year. Keep trying to hit those high notes, Chris. Gaaaaah.

And next, it's your pal and mine - Moby. Now, spooky fact, Moby used to make rock records, and damn fine ones as well. These days he's happy to put out any old new-age plinky plonky crap, get some woman to sing over it, put the song on about twenty adverts for supermarkets and Vauxhall cars and count the cash. Somehow I think the "message" got lost in this one..

But if the message got lost in Moby's, it's well and truly baffled and lying in its own urine when it comes to Fred Dursts attempt. Words can't express how bad this actually is - because it's EXACTLY the same as every other Limp Bizkit song. There's loud guitars. Fred speaks in that stupid "I can't sing, so I'll speak the words I don't shout" voice, and then bellows at you. I can really see this comforting the victims of either AIDS or 9/11 or whatever the Hell they're pretending this is for. Yeah, when you think of mending broken hearts and wounds that don't heal - you think Limp Bizkit.

There's a few other versions thrown on here, all from faceless hip hop puppets and pop idiots, all singing a song they don't deserve to and singing for a cause they probably don't understand. It's a sad state of affairs when THIS is what gets passed off as an event in music.

And you would think that they would at least put the original version on here? I dunno, for good measure, or good taste or something? No - that would make sense. "What's Going On?" You, me and every person on this record have absolutely NO idea.

Review 87: Christina Aguilera - Car Wash.

An absolute career low for all concerned.

Make no mistake about it, as hot as Christina is, she's made some dreadful records in the past. The self-indulgent syrup of "I Turn To You" (worryingly already releasing overblown mush on her first album), the unconvincing "hey, I'm down with The Coloureds" strop of "Can't Hold Us Down" and that song with Ricky Martin where she looked like a more plastic Malibu Stacy. Still, nothing can compare to the sheer horror of THIS horrendous piece of plastic.

Yes, Car Wash, the song pretty much everyone knows, and certainly one no-one wants to hear again. Given a by-the-numbers, "will this do?" cover by Christina, and the biggest, one-trick pony in hip hop - Missy Elliot. Once considered ground breaking, (and that was just her weight), she's now decided to be seen with every meal-ticket going, adding her (lack of) charm to the likes of Ciara. How this women gets away with the drivel she puts out is simply beyond me.

Anyway, this song. It's lazy. It's cynical. It's boring. Hell, even Christina sounds bored. It's the soundtrack to singers counting the money and reading the lyric sheet in front of them. Worst of all, it was for that laughter vaccum of a movie "Shark Tale". So, uh, why would there be a car wash underwater? Abysmal.

Review 86: Mariah Carey - The Emancipation Of Mimi

Screaming Mimi.

Hilarious comedy-sized, er, "lungs" aside, Lord knows what we've done to deserve Mariah Carey over the years. True, the whole "Glitter" debacle was fun, (always nice to see a "diva" self-destruct) but now, sadly, she's selling records by the shed load again. And God alone knows why.

Throughout the charts, you'd be hard pushed to find a more cold, clinical approach to apparently soulful music. Mariah seems to think that just because she CAN hit such high notes, she has to do it in every single song, where it only further detracts from any sense of realism or depth. The music is rubbish to begin with, of course, with laughable, cliched syrupy love nonsense that is so bland and uninspired you imagine she only retreats into her high pitched wails and yelps to get away from singing them. Worse still, she's now further into her "ghetto" image, so instead of standing around with people who she normally would cross the street to avoid, she's also now attempting to sound like them. Newsflash - it doesn't work.

Of course, these rappers are here to provide street cred, but these people are bought more easily than the bling they're obsessed with. It's not a sign of how much they respect her as an artist, it's a sign that her record company can afford them.

Anyway, it's garbage. Mariah Carey stopped making good records.. well, after her first single, actually. This is another in the long line of bad ones, and you can't help but pray that "Mimi" is banged up and shipped straight back to the slave ships.

Review 85: The Darkness - One Way Ticket To Hell.... And Back!

Hate to say I told you so but..

Hey, I TOLD YOU SO. Yes indeed, way back in The Curmudgeon's list of musical mishaps was The Darkness and their first album which, while being very popular, was complete junk. And here's the second album - which is exactly the same. But, and here's where I was right, without the very popular part. Or indeed, the popular.

It's funny, you won't believe the hate mail I got for my review of the first Darkness record. I was told that "The Darkness are our saviours" (Ho ho ho, I'm sorry, that's very cute) and that I obviously don't appreciate "real" rock music. Well, if your definition of "real" is ugly nonces dressing up for cheap laughs with even cheaper songs, hiding behind crap lyrics with a grating falsetto well, guess what? You don't know what "real" rock music is either.

Right from the first single, it was clear The Darkness' days were numbered. "One Way Ticket.." is NO "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" (the ONLY thing this novelty band will be remembered for). It's a tired pastiche of every 80's hair band you've ever heard, only without any of the good bits you remember.

What's REALLY funny about The Darkness, though - is that Justin Hawkins clearly believed he was something extra special. The mammoth sales of the first album obviously went to his head, as his bloated ego took a swipe at other bands (real bands, mind you) and they claimed to be "the saviours of rock and roll - again!" Not quite this time, eh boys? Because this album didn't go to number one. It came in near the bottom end of the top ten and then sank without trace.

That's the trouble with these joke bands. Once the joke wears thin, where else can they go? Well, if the truly DIRE second single "Is It Just Me" is anything to by, it's a one way ticket to bargain bin hell - and they won't be coming back from that.

Review 84: The Andy Milonakis Show Season One

The unfunniest show on televison?


Good ol' MTV. Not content with giving Bam Margera reason to stink up the screen, they give this hopeless, unfunny guy his own show. And wow - is it ever bad. Want to know what's worse than someone who isn't funny? Someone who isn't funny but THINKS they're funny - and being given a TV show to prove it.

Whilst some would pretend to call this show "off-beat" and "irrelevant" and then blaspheme and try and mention it in the same sentence as, say, Monty Python, what other shows of this nature (obscure, wacky, "zany", for want of a better word) have that this program doesn't is someone funny starring in it. Oh, and funny people writing it. They seem to have forgotten that in this.

So, we have fat boy Andy doing totally, like, outrageous things dude, along with funny music (because what we are watching is funny, see?) He annoys strangers! He wastes peoples time! He shouts a lot! Hey, aren't you rolling around on the floor yet either?

Do you know what the ONLY funny thing is? Andy Milonakis himself. You see, he'd like all you MTV watching kids out there to believe that he's just like you, some goofball kid of 14. But he's not - he's 30, with a growth defect. Now, I'm no expert on comedy, but THAT, my friends, is funny.

Not sure if this garbage is getting another series or not (the first deservedly tanked) but if it does hopefully we'll see Andy's growth defect go full scale, going past the 14 year old boy look right back to toddler age and then finally obliterating him from this earth.

Review 83 - Gareth Gates and Will Young - The Long And Winding Road

A double dose of dreadfulness.


This is going back a few years now, but the memory of this number one(!) travesty still haunts The Curmudgeon. Take two pop idol drones - the winner, and the other one (that the record company wanted to win) and pair them up. Fresh from Will Young's number one cover of a Westlife song, and fresh from Gareth Gates number one cover of the Righteous Brothers song (notice a trend here?) they were paired off, in much the same way as dog owners would mate their respective pooches. Well, it's easy money, isn't it? Especially if you cover a Beatles song. And just to make it even more bankable, get the cute one (that's, you know, not gay or anything like that) to sing an Elvis song. Ker-ching. Instant number one thanks to the pondlife that buy these horrible things.

And, oh mercy, is it ever horrible. Quite simply one of the worst cover versions of all time, what is surprising about The Long And Winding Road is the poe-faced sincerity of it all, and the record labels attempt to trick the listener into thinking this is something special, when in reality it's two whiney puppets slowly beating a classic song to death, all the while thinking their pained, touching vocals add anything to the song, when in fact it makes it more boring than, well, watching Pop Idol.

As for the double A-side cover of Suspicious Minds? Close your eyes, think of someone who doesn't actually like the song but is being told to sing it - THERE. That's what it sounds like.

A deeply woeful single and, in a long, long list of reality television spawned atrocities, this ranks up there as one of the very worst.

Review 82: Shane Ward - That's My Goal

Truly, welcome to the suck.

And this year's crud-fest winner, the person who received the most votes from every brain-dead glossy eyed plankton watching ..... who even CARES anymore?

Yet another drone pulled off the production line, this gimp being another in the long run of Inoffensive Handsome White Boys, aimed primarily at stupid people and, judging by the popularity of this single, there are an awful, awful lot of.

So let's talk about the single. With the exception of the excrement that was last years winner (Steve Brookstein, currently Missing In Action - yet another one-hit wonder who we'll never see again) first (and only) solo attempt - the dire Phil Collins cover, this is easily the worst actual attempt at a SONG yet.

Originally planned for Westlife, "That's My Goal" was panned and rejected by them (THEM! Westlife!) for being too weak, but it sure wasn't weak enough for Shayne Ward, currently number one for the fourth week running as I type this.

But what does that MEAN, exactly? I'll tell you - nothing. The general public are SUCH idiots, such pathetic, "tell us what to buy and we will" easily led cretins, that they would buy ANYTHING after seeing it on a reality program. Shayne Ward could have released a record of him whistling the Marmite theme and it would have gone straight to number one.

And it's going to continue, isn't it? This was a massive hit, the show was a massive hit, so we're going to continue to be bombarded with bland, generic singers and pointless songs like this. If you BOUGHT this junk, or if you WATCHED this junk, The Curmudgeon holds YOU personally responsible. You should be ASHAMED of yourself for bringing yourself down to the gutter masses, watching this easily-digestible pond-life program, and buying its cynical, disgusting products.

One day, I hope to live in a world where television is not swamped by reality television, where TV schedules and budgets are not ruled by programs aimed at the great unwashed, where the charts are not in the vice-like grasp of dire TV talent show winners (and losers). That, ladies and gentlemen, THAT, is my goal.

Review 81: Ronan Keating - Ten Years Of Hits

The adventures of Captain Bland and The Unremarkables.

Sadly, it would seem a lengthy (in pop terms) career and a strong fan-base are no real estimations of quality. Look no further to prove that point than Mr Ronan Keating, formerly of Boyzone (to quote Noel Gallacher - "a costume change away from the Tweenies") and who himself has amassed a string of hits while his other band members faded into obscurity. Really, what DID we do to deserve this man?

Ronan Keating, I'm sure his press would want you to believe The Mr Nice of Pop. Which, translated, means he's so insufferably BORING you feel some clever entrepreneur could bottle him and sell him off as sleeping tablets. He really is the most vapid, uninteresting non-event to grace the charts in some time. And yet his records sell by the shed-load. Why? Because the people that buy them are either stupid girls or stupid housewives. And there are an AWFUL lot of stupid girls and stupid housewives out there.


This banality transfers into the music seamlessly, and it's not in the countless ballads and cover versions it's most noticeable, but on the hilarious attempts to be "cool" that Ireland's own Ronan comes across as your embarrassing uncle turning up at the school disco and trying to boogie. Watch the excruciating video to "Lovin' Each Day - (see, he says LOVIN' - that means he's edgy).

I don't know how popular this guy is over in America, but over here a new album is reason to mourn like you've lost a prized pet. Four (at least) more singles, four more videos to be rotated non-stop on the music channels, all of the same dull, pedestrian, moribund pop music. Dire.

Aw, Begorrah, Ronan - you really do suck.

Aiiiiieeeeeeee!

That was supposed to be a scream. Sorry.

OK, I want you all to sit back and, what's the word? Ah yes - reminisce. We're here to talk about horror movies, but not to list your top ten or anything like that (although feel free). I'm here to talk about those scenes in certain movies that, for want of a better term, scared the ever-lovin' blue eyed shit out of you.

You know what I mean; certain parts of certain films that made the back of your neck tingle and for you to shrink back into your couch. You may have been young or it may have been last week. Here's mine..

1. Night Of The Living Dead.

One of my all time favourite movies now, when I first watched this on TV as a young Curmudgeon with my mother. The entire first half hour just scared the hell out of me. The fact that it wasn't a "ZING" jump where the bad guy is suddenly behind the dumb blonde, the fact it wasn't at night in a spooky old house. It was in broad daylight, in a normal looking cemetery - and they watched the zombie come towards them the whole time. That freaked me out.

2. Psycho II.

I still think this film is one of the most under-rated sequels of all time. And this one scene stayed in my head YEARS, and I mean YEARS, after I first saw it. I think I must have been about ten, and the scene where the young couple are down in the cellar making out when they hear someone coming. They look through the window of the cellar and see Norman stomping about in his mother's dress. They don't move.. until dumbass girl slips on a log. THIS BIT - where Norman's head jerks round to the window - will stay with me forever.

Hell, I've only ever seen it once - all that time ago - and I can STILL remember that bit. Fantastic!

3. Blair Witch Project

A far more recent effort, and I think the last horror film to make me shiver. You probably know which parts (it had two). The first, in the tent, when the girl asks "is that a baby crying?" and then the tent gets pushed in by unseen hands. And of course, the last bit where the screaming chick sees her cameraman facing the wall. On paper it means nothing. On camera it just.. rocked. And made your old IHM squirm in his cinema seat.

4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Another recent one (and no - not the remake). I had never seen this until they released it for a limited cinema run (it was still banned for domestic release). I'd say most of this film scared me like I hadn't been in YEARS - hell, I was actually wanting the violence to END, something I hadn't felt since I was about seven. The first appearance of the Hitchiker was bad enough, but THAT chase scene through the forest almost had me blubbing into my friends shoulder.

OK - hopefully I haven't dented my reputation TOO much with those four confessions. Anyone else willing to step forward?

DVD Discussion Two:

DVD Extra Features - Does anyone bother with them anymore?


First off, apologies for using a dull, shit picture twice. But hey - you try finding a decent (and funny) picture to go with DVD's.

Now then; The Curmudgeon is a right old sucker for deluxe, special, definitive, ultimate, extreme, uncut edition DVD's. And judging by the array of Special Edition discs out there - so is everyone else.

Controversial statement time - I hardly watch any extra's any more.

I dunno what it is. The first DVD I got (Night Of The Living Dead, fact fans) I watched everything on the disc. I watched the movie two more times with both commentaries and the same went for The Blair Witch Project (which was, I think, my second).

Now? I buy two disc DVD's, watch the movie and very rarely bother with the extra's. In fact, the first major extra I watched recently was that mammoth 2 hour documentary on the Indiana Jones boxset. I love that sort of thing, but, like I said - I don't bother with them all that much now.

Maybe its the novelty value of DVD's waring off. Maybe we've seen enough behind the scenes gubbins and talking heads gushing about what an honour it was to work with the director. Who knows? Hell, I couldn't tell you the last time I listened to a feature length commentary (although I do listen to every single Simpsons commentary - 'cos they're just a joy to listen to).

So, anyway - am I alone here, or has anyone else been burned out by DVD extra features?

DVD Discussion One:

HD DVD - Are you interested?

We all remember that glorious day. The day when we bought our first DVD. That shiny disc. Those neat extra's. It was a glorious time, and we wasted none of it kicking VHS where it belonged - the Bin Of Shame.

And let's face it, it hasn't been THAT long since we all bought that first DVD, and already some poncey upstart is telling us that this brilliant piece of innovative, revolutionary technology is, in fact - shit. That the REAL way forward is HD DVD.

What I don't get is - honestly, what REAL difference is it going to make? Better sound and picture quality than DVD's? Remember the old ads that came out for DVD's? "The sound is infinitely clearer.." Oh yeah? So what's HD DVD then? Infinity plus one?

And so the storage space is bigger. So what? Dunno about you guys, but I'm happy with two disc sets and 6 disc boxsets. One - it looks cool, and two - you feel you're getting that requisite bang for your buck.

The Curmudgeon is not convinced, and I (vainly) hope HD DVD is going to go the way of the Laser Disc and be for "buy everything" fan boys only.

Any thoughts?

Attack Of The Clones!

Too many Curmudgeons?

I'll be honest first off - I don't really have any idea what I'm doing with this whole "blog" thing. I didn't research it, I didn't look at others people's to get an idea of what to do - I just wanted a place where myself and like minded people could "hang out." And I did that (right?), but every so often I do flick through the options of Blogger to see if there's anything I could do to improve the Fortress. Hell, for all I know you can post whilst "Purple Rain" plays in the background and images of naked women pop up.

Anyway, on one such browse, I decided to see what would happen if I typed "The Curmudgeon" into the Blogger search engine.

The results were depressing. There are DOZENS of other Curmudgeon's on this site. Now, you and I know there's only one true Curmudgeon, and that's your old pal the Irresponsible Hate Monger. But what makes it worse is that these phoneys come WAY before me in the search engine, so anyone looking up the words "Curmudgeon" will have to scroll through about twenty odd pages before they stumble upon The Fortress.

Question to anyone that might know - is there any way I can get this site bumped up a bit? I mean, hells bells, some of these search results just have some MENTION of the word "Curmudgeon", like, "oh my dog was such a curmudgeon today". And all the while Your New Favourite Site is going ignored. Any ideas to rectify this travesty?

Meanwhile, The Curmudgeon is going to set out on a (friendly.. ish) mission, to seek out strange, new Curmudgeons. To boldly go onto these other Curmudgeon blogs and push my weight around a bit and try and get some hits. We'll see what happens.

The Fortress Salutes....

Click your heels together, folks! It's another new segment!

Time for something a bit different, Dwellers. Now, here in the Fortress Of Solitude talking about what we HATE is a big deal. But we also talk about what we LIKE, and this is firmly in that category.

This is YOUR chance to "give props", as the street kids say (round about 1994, probably) to one of your idols. Someone who's made YOUR world a cooler place to be. Could be a musician or band that have constantly been your choice of listen, could be an actor or a director - Hell, it can be anyone you want. Just remember - whenever you see Steve Rogers above saluting, you know it's tribute time.

I'm not after a career analysis or an essay on the subject of choice. Just what they mean to you and why they deserve to be saluted by The Fortress Of Solitude. So if you DO have anyone you'd like to nominate - you know the drill. Send your little piece to me (the_curmudgeon_hates_you@yahoo.co.uk) and I'll give it a thread of its own.

Anyway, I'll start the ball rolling with a little salute of my own.

The Curmudgeon and The Fortress Of Solitude salutes.... Prince.

Ever since I was old enough to actually appreciate music I've been into Prince. I remember my brother had the Diamonds and Pearls CD (which he got for nothing from some "Join Now, Get Free CD's And Then Give Us Your Testicles" club) and I had always liked the song "Gett Off" which my friends older brother used to play. So I, er, "borrowed" the Diamonds And Pearls album with the idea of listening to that one song. Fate had other ideas...

After the Diamonds and Pearls album had went down a treat, I bought the Hits album 2, then basically every other Prince CD I could lay my hands on. I didn't just like the music, I liked everything about him. The mystique, the snotty attitude, the between song banter on some albums - everything. Plus, I LOVED the fact that I was the only kid in my entire school that liked Prince. It was kind of "my thing". Prince was the first gig I ever went to, where I bought a big symbol necklace and then.. well, went a bit strange.

This was during the whole Artist Formerly Known As.. stage, which I ADORED. I thought the name change to an unpronounceable symbol was so unusual and so original - that I decided to steal it for myself. At school I "killed off" my original name, and began poncing around the school (with dyed black hair) calling myself The Artist Formerly Known As.. (real name - that's a secret.)

Oddly enough, I didn't get beat up. I didn't get shunned. Hell, it worked a treat. Even my teachers began to acknowledge it (well, some of them) and I remember my friends bought me a "Happy 1st Birthday" card after a year (they remembered the day I "died" - awwww).

Well, all that fun and games wasn't exactly yesterday, but Prince is still a key factor in my life. The day I turned 18 I got the symbol tattooed on my arm (hurt like a bitch, too). Hell, before I called myself The Curmudgeon I called myself Tora Tora after a Prince alter ego, and even now my sign off signature in every discussion board is "Don't Abuse Children Or Else They Turn Out Like Me" from "Papa". I like other bands and still buy CD's but Prince is still the number one artist in my collection. I've got over 1100 CD's but the Prince ones are where the true love lies. I've been to about 80 or 90 gigs but that first one with Prince is still the best (nothing could match that giddy butterfly feeling in my stomach watching him come out on a moving pedestal..)

After a brief spell from the limelight, Prince appears to be as hot as ever. His new album 3121 went top ten in the UK and number one in America, and he seems to be the key name for other artists to drop in conversation (Pharrel Williams, for example, on who we would like to work with the most; "Oh, let's see.. Prince. Prince. Prince. Prince - and then Prince."

I love the music, I love the attitude (live on stage, talking about miming - "if they don't play their instruments then boo them off the stage!"), the androgynous look, the shameless sexuality, the peerless guitar work, the effortlessly catchy pop songs. He is quite simply the reason I own a CD player.

Prince - The Curmudgeon salutes you, now and forever.



There. That didn't hurt. Feel free to comment on this gushing tribute, or compose one of your own...

I'm Watching You..

Doctor Who - "Season Two", then.

Yes, I know its not really Season Two, but to a lot of people who never watched the show before, it is. And hey, if the BBC themselves call it that, who am I to argue?

That's one of the beauties of this show, though; you don't have to have had a 40 year history of the Doctor to follow what's going on, as they fill you in on any nods to the past, so the old fans can appreciate the reference and new fans don't feel left out.

I must admit to being somewhat of a new fan myself. I've watched the odd episode of Doctor Who before (well, quite a few episodes, actually) but I've never been an avid fan (I mean, Jesus, where do you start? "Hmm.. I think I'll try and track down the very early 60's episodes first - even the ones that were destroyed").

Anyway, THIS season marked the first run of the new Doctor (David Tennant) after the Christmas episode and... gotta say, as much as I liked him at first (and really didn't think I would, given how much I liked Christopher Eccelston), his over-egged performances have really begun to grate on me. Whereas first he could be seen as eccentric, now he's just downright irritating with his smug manner, stupid gurning and high pitched squawking. Also, Rose Tyler (Billie Piper's) character was once the building blocks of the entire show. Her believable, realistic performances kept the show grounded, but as the show progressed she became just as smug as the Doctor, and she went from being someone we wanted to have sex with to someone we wanted to smash her head off a wall (and then have sex with).

*SPOILER*

So, Season Two, then. Even though the writers are still apparently obsessed with London, it served up some superb slices of sci-fi. From the unashamed blub fest that was the reunion between Sarah Jane Smith and the Doctor (and K-9! Yaaaay!) (which was, for me, one of the best episodes) to the first look at the new Cybermen to the exciting carnage of the Season finale (regardless of embarrassing "banter" between the Daleks and the Cybermen), Doctor Who continued to be enjoyable, likeable and addictive television, leaps and bounds over any other mainstream, Saturday night television in the last ten years. It wasn't without its faults though; the Doctor's irritating traits and the utter, insulting hogwash that was the Peter Kay episode could have turned off viewers. But with Rose gone their overly chummy mannerisms are now gone, leaving hopefully a broken, alone Doctor instead of the doe-eyed, holding hands and hugging Doctor from this season.

So, onto Season three. First impressions aren't good, with Catherine Tate, the Official Unfunniest Women In Britain making a guest cameo as what appears to be a spoilt brat bride cliche. I really wish the writers would get away from this "let's get a guest star in that the idiot public will know." First Peter Kay - who was rubbish, and now her. Note to BBC - stop it. But I've seen the new assistant who will probably debut in the Christmas episode, and she looks mighty fine. Hopefully she'll be just that - an assistant. Not an equal, not a love interest - someone to ask questions, argue with the Doctor, get into trouble, get rescued - and look good doing it. We can but hope.

Till then, you just KNOW I'm going to be saving my pennies for the nice new Cybermen head boxset thing (pics, anyone?) And so should you, because, for its faults, Doctor Who is still very much worth it.

Dweller Contribution: Invisible Wolfman Writes...

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (And Into The Window)

Hello fellow Fortress dwellers! InvisibleWolfMan here, taking a chance on his first blog entery ANYwhere (thanks, The Curmudgeon!)

Conspiracy theories. Some are cool like Area 51and The Men In Black (no Will Smiths here). Some are confusing with their political ties like who really shot JFK and the events surrounding Sept.11th. Some are just pure trash like faking the moon landing of 1969 and George Lucas not owning a single print of the original theatrical versions of the STAR WARS Trilogy (how was that process of color correction comparisons for the 2004 S.E.'s, Georgie? That's nice...). I like to read them, not that I buy into ALL of them, but one must realize that every GOOD theory has to be based on some truths. I enjoy conspiracy theories as a way to think "what if..." every now and then just to keep me on my toes

Then there's a friend of mine who's adapted them as a way of life.

Oh, if only I could say he was laughable or even (dare I use it) "devilishly charming" with these theories! Unfortunately, it's not the case. Nope....he's out to save my very soul along with the rest of the world in an effort to expose the truth and name the one individual who's behind it all because he's not out to make any money with his book he's writing on it at all because that's superficial and against his belief that he just wants the truth to finally be exposed.

Seriously.

It was harmless at first, listening to him. A "times have changed since we were young" here, a "government ignoring the people" there....typical discussion for almost anyone out there. Then he started getting deeper...and deeper...and deeper still. It went from talking about how we don't agree with Bush's actions as of late to "the Vatican has secret assassins." Yep....assassins.

Fantastic.

Now, had it been the only time I would have laughed it off. Sadly, it seemed every time I met up with him he had something new to add to it. I'm not gonna go into specifics as it'd take FOREVER to type up all that he said...and I barely remember a quarter of it. Let's just say that he's concluded that the Catholics are in league with Satan. Bizarre as it sounds, that's only the surface!

Talking with him has become such a chore that I dread seeing him anymore. Sometimes I have no way out of that as we both have children that are roughly the same age and it's good for our child to have a playmate in a similar situation (we are Americans living abroad in Finland). And with his recent decision who's behind all of (dare I even type it) "this" has also thrown me for a real loop. A celebrity. One celebrity that because of his religion, a movie he directed and a line from one of his most famous films , has been "stealing" my friend's "creativity."

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ.

This has forced me to realize that although I have a long, quiet patience on putting up with his nonsense....if he dared to tell me any more the next time I would probably be forced to tell him off once and for all. I may try to be understanding to other people and their personal beliefs, but when I think that someone has finally hit a dangerous point (and believe me...he has) there's a time to draw the line. Too many hours doing too much research on this has made him paranoid.

So a word of the wise, Fortress dwellers....if you hear a conspiracy theory and your friend wants to explain further than you're willing to go:

JUST SAY NO!

CD Singles....

Do you still buy them?

Once upon a time, boys and girls, for The Curmudgeon, a new single by an artist or band I "followed" was something of an event. And with good reason, too. Often CD singles were released in two parts, and with that meant..

1. Cool limited packaging (fold out digi packs, tins, 3" CDs).
2. Bonus tracks, which could be new songs, cover versions, live tracks..

Back In The Day (ugh! I do apologise) these bonus tracks could be better than the actual single itself, and when you added up the tracks from singles released you often had a full albums worth to enjoy. There were often three tracks (or more) on each single. Like I said - CD singles could be something very special indeed. Hell, take Prince - his "Cream" and "Gett Off" maxi singles weighed in at over 35 minutes each.

Changed days now, though. The incentive purchase of tins and posters and whatever else they packed along with the single are now banned. Also, a 3 track single is now known as a "maxi" single, but can still only be less than twenty minutes long or its not eligible for the charts. The other part of the single can only be two tracks.

Basically, then - less songs for the same money. I can't help but think we're being ripped off.

It's probably a sign that the majority of the new music that has come out over the last year or so has not been to The Curmudgeon's liking, but I've bought very few CD singles. Or maybe its the fact that I grudge buying the odd CD single now for the title track and some tatty, worthless remix. Which is basically what you're looking at in CD singles nowadays.

And now there's downloading, which is becoming more and more popular with each coming week (more and more acts are charging into the top ten on download sales alone). So the very nature of the single - title track you bought the thing for, and undiscovered rarity that comes with it) will soon be gone forever. Record companies aren't going to waste time with B-sides if they don't need to. "What's that? Give you another song when we don't need to? No no - you download the one track and we'll charge you for this other one".

It's a sad, sad state of affairs. So what about you then, Dweller? Are CD singles still important in YOUR life?