Take THAT!

It's war - The Curmudgeon vs The Spammers!

If there's one thing that pisses The Curmudgeon off, it's Spam mail. You know how it is, you check your mail inbox and you find you've got 10 new entires. Feeling popular, you click to see what they are. And it's all junk mail and scam letters (which, surely, no-one falls for?). A complete waste of time.

So I decided to have some fun, and instead of junking the spam mail - I replied to some. And they replied back. Hoo-wee! At first I decided to be good ol' jive-talkin' Jamie Starr. Here's what happened (please note - NONE of the cut and paste e-mails have been changed, altered or doctored in ANY WAY. I've not printed the original spam mails, because they go on for ages - plus we've all seen them 100 times before).

First victim: Dr Hazim Bello.

Reply: Dear Dr Bollock

Hello there. Thanks for your generous offer but.. are you sure this will be OK? I don't want anyone to get into trouble.

Yours

James Starr

Bello (or Bollock) writes:

Dear James Starr,

Once again, thanks for your mail and for accepting to do this business deal with me. Because of the confidentiality and secrecy required in this business, correspond with me only with this present email and contact me on phone only on this very private phone number; 00226-765-020-59 ,I arranged this line for this deal. Kindly call me on phone so that we can discuss the modalities of concluding this transaction within a short duration.

I have found it necessary to give you more explanation on this deal and to give you details and breakdown of the modality which we have to follow to achieve this highly beneficial success. I am a banker and an insider. I know the process to be taken officially in the bank to investigate and verify your claim to grant you approval as the next of kin to the late customer, who died along with his whole family in a plane crash leaving no one behind to come for his fund left with this bank. since this is a secret account that he operates for his business as a contractor and there is no one left to come this claim i used this chance to contact you on your assistance so that we have this money transferred into your account since i have all the required information concerning the deceased man because i have been his account adviser before his late.

I know and I am optimistic that this business deal will uplift our financial status, it’s just for you to follow my instruction and guidelines until the fund will enter your account. I need your absolute cooperation in this great project.

The legal aspect of this transaction will be handled by a lawyer who will represent you at the bank as your resident attorney.

This business is a great deal and will need determination and great arrangement to succeed. The arrangement which has already been made is my underground responsibility in the bank in seeing that the whole process to be taken to achieve your approval and for the smooth transfer of your inheritance to your desired account is made without any conceivable hitch.

I assure you therefore that all loopholes and security measures are covered and all obstacles removed. This business deal will never endanger any of us on both sides. It is 100% free from any risk what so ever. It had taken me years to arrive at the stage before I decided to look for a foreigner to assist me, because of my financial incapability and been from this country.

TRUST AND CONFIDENCE.
I need to emphasise on the need for trust and confidence on both side as the pillar for the success of this business. You need to reassure me that you will not betray me and sit on this fund when it finally comes into your custody. Forward to me the followings:

1.your full name.
2. Home and office address.
3. Occupation.
4. Scanned copy of your international passport or driver’s license.

TAKING OFF.
The understanding of this details and accepting to work with me in this deal is the starting point. I require you therefore to declare your decision immediately. I have a time frame to conclude the transfer of this fund to your account. I have 14 banking days to affect this, immediately your application is received by bank.

Let me hear from you before I will send to you the contact of the department in charge of the foreign remittance in the bank so that you can apply for the release of this money to you.

With great wishes, have a nice day.

Hazim Bello.
TEL: 00226 76502059

Jamie writes:

Dear Dr Bollock:

Thanks for getting back in touch with me, and thank you for all the details you gave me.

I need to know before I send any details out though that I'm not going to get into any trouble over this. Po-po is a no-no, you feelin' me? I mean - lets be honest here - it sounds pretty fishy. Thuggin' and buggin' is one thing, but this shizzle sounds doggy pizzle.

I want to help you out and I know I will be helping myself out but I just need to be sure. Are we all on the level here? Don't go jive talking me here now. Poppa don't play that.

Before I send anything out - tell me - WILL I GET IN TROUBLE?

Holla

Jamie Starr

Bello again..

Dear Jamie Starr ,


Thanks for your immediate reply and I am stating it on a plane form that this business is 100% risk free and you are not going to get into problem.

To be Sure of this, i will advise that you contact the bank first and ask them to help you with a good and bank accrediated lawyer that will help you out with a financial problem that you have with thier bank, here you will then seek for the service of this lawyer, send him a copy of the application that i am going to send to you and ask him to go and verify with the bank over this claim ,that you are the next of kin to this fund and that you want this bank to transfer this money to your account.

It is here now that you will know that this business will be legally handled and that what the bank needs from you is onle the correct informations that i am going to give you, then they will start the processing of this transfer.

LISTEN , THAT THE DECEASED DIED ALONG WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY LEAVING ON ONE BEHIND TO COME FOR THIS CLAIM AND THIS IS A SECRET ACCOUNT THAT HE OPERATES FOR HIS BUSINESS BEING A CONTRACT HERE IN MY COUNTRY.

I will advise that you call me on :00226 76502059 for more discussions and i will be forwarding a text of application which you will feel and contact the lawyer or the bank direct to start the processing of this on your name.

Hazim Bello.

And up from the depths..

Whad'up Bollock

I mentioned this (in the strictest confidence) to a friend of mine and he told me that it sounds like a "scam." I was all like, "nuh-uh. Talk to the HAND beeeatch," but he wasn't frontin' for a second. He was ON and POPPIN with that shit.

I only signed up to the internet a couple of weeks ago so I'm pretty new to all of this hippity hoppity. Now, don't go hatin' on a brother for asking this homie but apparantly these scams are everywhere. But I argued with him that if it WAS a scam you wouldn't be offering ME that bling, right?

Do you know what he said? "WhatEVER." Tscch. I'm going to pop a cap in that parrot tomorrow. I should NEVER have bought it.

Have you heard of such "scams?" And I know I'm sounding paranoid now but listen to a brother and tell me you're on the level and I'll call you straight away.

Thanks again for your time

Much love, no diggity

Jamie Starr


And, oddly enough - I haven't heard from him since. It doesn't end there, though. Someone else decided to reply to these mails. Someone huge. And metal. Click on the replies to find out who..