Party Time!

The Fortress wishes you a Happy New Year. Just don't over-do it...


Well, that's 2006 pretty much wrapped up, and so its time to close The Fortress doors for a few days while I get very, very drunk indeed.

I actually don't mind the overall sense of New Year. I far prefer its sentiment, that of looking back over the year and looking towards the forthcoming one, over the bloated, cash hungry mess that Christmas has become.

Well, 2006 was the year that I started this little site, and while its not exactly going to give Google a run for its money, I'd like to think we're all part of something pretty cool. The regular visitors here are JUST the sort of people I was hoping would join; smart, funny and into cool stuff. Hopefully 2007 will see a few more step through those doors.

Hell, 2006 was a very important year for regular contributor Invisible Wolfman, as he told us all himself here. I had to walk away from the site a few times because of my University studies, but it looks like that paid off. I got my results back for this year and I passed, with distinction no less. So expect a few more sabbaticals in 07. A pain I know, but what can you do?

Anyway, I'm signing off for the last time this year. Time to get my dancing shoes on and go pound the hell out of my liver. Whatever you're doing for New Year, Loyal Dwellers - make sure you have a good time doing it.

I'll see you in 2007.

Woooooooooooooh!

Fantastic Four 2: Rise Of The Silver Surfer - The Trailer is HERE!

Let's face it - the first FF movie was nothing to write home about. Flimsy characters, dodgy plot, lack of attention to detail (what exactly WERE Doctor Doom's powers? Did they want another Magneto?) In fact, the best bit in the whole damn film was Jessica Alba stripping down to her underwear. Which, admittedly, would be a hard act to follow in any film.

But they may just have got it right with this one. The Silver Surfer looks set to steal the show - as Johnny rightfully says.. "ohhh, that's cool!"

Thoughts?

Merry Christmas from The Curmudgeon.

Don't worry - the nightmare is almost over.

Well, the shopping is done (and I got off with a pretty stress-free shopping experience this year, actually), the gifts are wrapped and it's almost Christmas Eve. So that means I'll be heading back to the Birthplace Of The Curmudgeon for a few days, and closing the Fortress doors for a festive break.

Now, I don't go around wishing just anyone "Merry Christmas". Hell, I AM The Curmudgeon, you know. But hey - this is MY site - The Fortress Of Solitude - and YOU are here, which makes you pretty damn cool, and deserving of a Christmas that is, by all accounts, Merry.

So whatever you're doing, however you're spending the 25th of December - I hope you all have a blast, and I hope you'll be back on this here site on the 27th.

You know you want that too.

Get ready to drool..

The Transformers Trailer is HERE!

Now, I realise I may be setting myself up for a BIG fall. The words "movie" and "Michael Bay" very rarely sit well with the Irresponsible Hate Monger (well, except The Rock and Con Air, obviously - everything else has sucked). But, who knows, he may well have caught lightning in a bottle with this franchise. And WHAT a franchise.

Transformers. On paper it could never work. But with todays technology and special effects (and THIS is a movie that will benefit from loads of CGI) it could look awesome.

And you know what? It sure does..

http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/transformers_hd.html

I know you don't see an awful lot (it is a trailer, after all) but what's there on the screen looks mighty impressive so far. I think its a good idea that there aren't too many Transformers/Decepticons (same idea as X-Men I suppose - you don't want to fill the movie with characters that will end up getting five minutes of screen time).

Spider-Man 3 - most eagerly anticipated movie of 2007? Meet your competition.

Christmas Movies!

What's YOUR favourite?

First of all, I apologise for THAT image. No-one ever said venturing into The Fortress was risk-free.

Christmas is almost upon us and you know what? I'm actually rather looking forward to it. Its always the same - once the present buying and the cards and all that shit gets out of the way, its not a bad time at all. What, spending time with my family, getting presents and getting drunk? What's not to like about that?

Anyway, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without Christmas MOVIES. When you really think about it, its staggering to think just how many there actually are - some good, some bad - some downright hideous. Here's good ol' Wikipedia with a helpful reminder to get your brain running..

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Christmas_films

Its a weird genre because not all Christmas films are 100% about Christmas per se, unlike, say, Santa Claus: The Movie or Miracle On 34th Street. Over in Britain, the James Bond movies have become something of a Christmas staple, as has the likes of Wizard Of Oz and, I'm sure will become a tradition - Harry Potter. Not Christmas movies at all, but something everyone enjoys watching at this time of year.

So what's your favourite Christmas movie? I think mine has to be Gremlins. Not an immediately obvious choice, I suppose, but its still a wickedly enjoyable satire and even now in the days of CGI the Gremins themselves still look awesome. Best bit? When they're out carol singing and then all cackle and plump back down into the snow and scurry off. Just a brilliant, funny family film - full of enough wit, action and "awwww" moments for everyone to enjoy.

So that's The Curmudgeon's pick of festive films. And yours.....?

Yup, more Christmas stuff...

So what do YOU want for Christmas?

First of all, a hearty apology for the lack of any new posts over the last week or so. This is due to a few things I won't go into, but mostly its down to that most dreaded of all things - Christmas shopping. Yes, call me a hypocrite if you will, that after blasting Christmas and the hollow, cynical cash-hungry farce it is - and THEN fuelling that very same farce, but there is one very good reason for this. I have a wife.

Now, I'm not so delusional to think I'm not the only one who's going to wake up to new stuff on the 25th (and hey - even The Curmudgeon doesn't mind the actual day itself when it comes), so now's the time to tell us all what you're hoping to get from your partner/parents/whatever.

Now, this WOULD be the time when I would ask, in that stupid voice, if "you've been a good boy this year", but I don't have to for a few very good reasons. 1. You're in The Curmudgeon's Fortress Of Solitude - this entitles you to anything you want; be it gifts, cars or sex. And 2. I'm not a dick.

I think I'm the easiest person in the world to buy presents for. Seriously, I'm into SO much shit that it's almost impossible not to walk into a store and see something you could buy me. My wife has bunched a frightening looking amount of gifts under our tree for little ol' me (well, I'm worth it), and so far I don't know what any of them are. Well, with one exception..

Because it was too big to take to my parents house on Christmas Eve (and because I think she just wanted me to open it) I got THIS gift early..

http://www.roboraptoronline.com/

Yup, just what someone my age needs. You know what though? It's AWESOME. Seriously - it's as good as the advert makes it look. Man, my cat’s days are NUMBERED with this thing.

Other than that? I don't really know. Like I said, I like so much stuff I have no idea what she's got me. The one thing I hope she's got me ('cos I get the annual instalment) is WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2007 for the PS2. Why, it just wouldn't be Christmas without it.

But that's just me. Come on, boys and girls, sit on The Curmudgeon's lap and tell me what you want for Christmas.

Actually, get off. I'm getting "feelings."

Sorry I'm miserable. It's my time of the year.

Ho Ho .. huh.

It's like a curse.

Someone always says it.. like impending doom it creeps up on you.. "not long now 'till Christmas!"

Ever notice how people ask "are you all set for Christmas?" "You got everything ready for Christmas?" People don't look forward to Christmas anymore - they prepare for it, they get ready and set themselves up for it. What is it - a war? A famine? Nope - it's far worse.

Christmas becomes more of an ugly, joyless commercial nightmare every year. It's not for religion anymore, hasn't been for years, but it's barely even for families anymore. It's for retailers, businesses and companies. "A very merry Christmas to you, Mr Sainsbury. May your tills be simply bulging this year!" "And the same to you, Mr Mark, and you Mr Spencer! May your profits soar at this very, very special time. God bless us, one and all! Ker-chinnng!"

Stores close for ONE day now. ONE. Yet every near-sighted panicky idiot stocks up on food like they're in 28 Days Later. New reports state that we're going to spend more this year than any other year, and I bet that record will be smashed come December 2007. You've got to love the irony of a million gluttons waiting in line at the supermarket with more food than they could ever possibly eat, as the cynical, depressing supermarket Muzak pipes out "Feed The World."

Every year, the point and the sentiment to Christmas gets more and more lost. Even in the little things like, say; Christmas cards. To send to your loved ones and friends, right? Wrong. Send to every person you know, every person you work with, so it's not so much a list of friends and family but a conveyer belt of everyone you've ever met. And you can always tell the cards that are written by people who give in to the "right, who do I know..?" pressure - because they write so many of the damned things, there's no cheery greeting written inside, (or even "To" for that matter), it's just thier impersonal scrawl at the bottom. Basically, "Merry Christmas - here's my autograph."

Not one to bang on about religion, but Christmas Calendars are SUPPOSED to have 24 days in them, the countdown till His birth and all that? Right, you with me on that one? OK - but look - the big companies have scrapped that - recently they started putting a "special" chocolate for Christmas Day. Now though, through progress and mankinds greed, there's now a chocolate for every day until the 31st! How excellent! So what are we counting down now exactly? The start of the January Sales? Oh wait - how stupid of me. They start on Boxing Day now.

You can forget about listening to good music come December too. Every funny tie office ponce, housewife, stupid kid and basically people who don't buy records all year will buy the stupid novelty single that record companies inevitably churn out, be it Mr Blobby, Hamster Dance, Bob The Builder or some other worthless dogshit. In fact, scrap "good music" for "new music", because the radio stations wipe the dust off the same old ancient tunes year after year. You won't hear any new bands folks, because, heyyyy - "It's Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaas".

There is not one single good thing left about Christmas. It is quite simply the most wretched, cynical, hateful time of year. A time where a nation's greed and stupidity reach record highs, where people spend money they don't have on shit they don't need, all in that cloying, feeble excuse "well... it IS Christmas".

If you like Christmas - you're an idiot. Simple as that.

Official Fortress Announcement

Ch..Ch..Changes...

Times change. People change. And, you'll have noticed, websites change too. So a big old Stan Lee No Prize for working out that The Fortress Of Solitude has undergone a bit of a makeover.

So what's changed? Frankly my dear - squat. One of the major "selling points" was that once I had written my thread it loaded up quicker than before. Well, that's all well and good except I a) don't have two hour to live so who cares and b) my computer isn't built out of cornflakes packets and run by a hamster in a wheel, so its fast enough thanks.

A welcome change is that I can add anyone I like to be able to add their own messages and threads to the site. The old drill was that you had to e-mail ME the message you wanted along with the pic and I would put it up for you. Not so anymore. So if you want to contribute to the Fortress mail me at www.thecurmudgeonhatesyou@yahoo.co.uk and I can put your name on The List and you are up and running.

I've just discovered how to make seperate folders for things, which is excellent. So now there will be an easy to access viewing format for my Amazon reviews and the Dweller contributions and anything else I feel like chucking into a folder. These are old posts, some of them written before the majority of you got here. So do take a minute out to read through them, and if you happen to comment on any of them, let me know. No thread should be a dead thread. Or something.

I'm sure there's little tweaks and new things I'll discover if I toy around with it in the next few days, but the most important thing is that all of the original threads, pictures and replies are all intact and exactly the same.

So - feedback time, boys and girls. I can change pretty much everything at the touch of a button, as well as move around all the stuff like where the text goes, where the subject lists go.. all that.

What do you think of the new look Fortress? Change the colour? Change the layout?

It's YOUR site too, you know. If you want it changed, I am open to suggestion. But, at the end of the day, it's not the place its the company that counts. And right now The Curmudgeon and the loyal Dwellers that come in here make this the best damn site on the net.

There's something in my eye...

OK, confessions time - ever cried at a movie?

As the Dweller population so far is 100% male, I could rightly expect this thread to go unanswered, us being macho manly men and all. But The Fortress Of Solitude is a place where we can open up, reveal our true selves, vent our spleens and, yes, save our souls.

So - crying during movies then. I'd love to be able to 'fess up and everything but, no bravado at all - I never have. Hell, I'd LOVE to be SO into a film that whatever's happening - the handsome lead dying, the couple splitting up, Godzilla triumphing over Mechagodzilla (well, maybe that's just me that gets moved by that) that I burst into tears. But dammit, its never happened.

I suppose I don't watch that many movies that tug at the heart strings, but any I have watched with The Wife, while she's sitting in the corner blubbing away (a la Titanic), I'm sitting like an emotionless, soul-less wretch. I suppose the closest I've ever got, and I remember thinking at the time "oh.. this is.. new" was with, of all things, Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead. Yeah, I know. Maybe it was because it was late at night and I was alone, I dunno, but that part where Christopher Lloyd's character is saying he doesn't want to leave town and survive because he's lived his life and.... oh. Emotional.

So, OK, I flunk out of my opening question. Come on now - I'm The Curmudgeon, I don't go about weeping at movies like some lily-livered girl.

But YOU do, don't you...?

It's up to YOU.

New hotness or old and busted?

I mentioned this earlier when I first came back from holiday, but it's kinda playing on my mind a little more now. Well, it would because EVERY time I log into The Fortress I get this message asking if I want to change to the all-new version of this Blogger website.

And my answer to that is - I dunno.

See, on the one hand it won't change a thing. All the threads, all the replies, all the links (I think) and all the pictures (I think) will still all be there. Well, Blogger themselves said the content and the layout will be the same, nothing will be changed.

What is different, however, is a far more user-friendly format (something I've always derided this site for). How I understand it, is that if I want a folder, say, for my reviews - I can put all my reviews in the one folder, instead of having them fill up the page everytime I post them (I usually do them in blocks of five). And if I want to keep a certain topic going, I can make seperate entries and keep them all in the same place. Like, I dunno, the new Spider-Man movie. I could keep a running progress on that - from the first mini trailer and comments on it, to the full trailer with comments, to the movie itself and then maybe even the DVD and, hey, maybe even the sequel!

I'm sure there are other benefits ("drag and drop template editing" whatever that means) but I won't be sure until I sign up and start playing around with it.

But here's the bad part. Once I sign up - there's no going back. I can't use it and say, "hmmm.. na, I liked the old way better." It's that way or no way. Plus, you need to be signed up to Blogger before you can post. It's not a problem for the regulars here, but the odd "anonymous" writer won't be able to pop in and post.

So here's where YOU come in. What do YOU think I should do? What would YOU like? The way I see it, there are a few options..

1. Stick with what we know - The Fortress as it is.
2. Go for it - change is always good.
3. Stick with the old format for now, until you get a few more people in so it actually makes a difference.


The ball is your court, people. Let me know.

De-Valued?

Are DVDs too cheap now?

There was a time, loyal Dweller, when a DVD was a fairly pricey item. I remember seeing early Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Thing DVDs and looking at them in a sort of 2001-style silent awe. They were new and cool and shiney - and expensive.

Times have changed, of course and nowadays the likes of TCM and The Thing can be found in any 3 for £10 deal. (Oh, I realise I'll be talking pounds here, so you American folks can just work out the difference in your kooky space-dollars). Sales and bargains are all well and good for older movies that have been out for a while, but the on-going trend seems to be that brand new movies drop in price at an alarming rate, before something that was in the cinema a year ago is now almost halved in its retail value.

Take a quick tour through any DVD site, be it Play or Amazon or CD-Wow, and you'll notice a horde of movies you were itching to see a year ago now in a sale.

And is that a good thing?

The knee-jerk reaction to this, of course, is "hell yes." Who wants to pay through the nose for anything, right? But as someone who regularly trades DVDs and sells them on ebay, its depressing to see just how practically worthless your treasured collections actually are.

Before I had the Internet, I got my first few DVDs, and they were uncut import versions of Cannibal Holocaust, Nightmare City and Beautiful Girl Hunter. I paid a pretty penny for them, because there was just no way of getting hold of anything like that through traditional means. And man, they were something SPECIAL, you know? Rare, imported films you couldn’t get anywhere else – awesome.

Skip forward a few months and I had actually watched the damn things and I was clamouring to get rid of them. I now had the Internet and what do I find? They’re practically as common as any mainstream blockbuster. These hard to find, sought after movies were now going for the same price as Independence Day.

It is quite worrying, because you know the companies will be trying to get as much money as possible from us, and if we’re not paying top dollar for big movies, forcing them to put them all in sales (if memory serves, this sort of thing didn’t happen in VHS’s glory days), they’ll try and put out the next thing to get more cash out of us. Whoops – HD DVD – they already have. This also explains the increasing tendency to re-release movies time and time again. From vanilla disc to two disc to three disc (or even four in some cases), and I now notice the same movies being released again but in fancy packaging like tins, all in a desperate attempt to get us to spend a bit more cash.

While it’s all good for our wallets to get the movies we want at a lesser price, I can’t help but feel its going to be damaging in the long run – for the industry as a whole and for the value of our collections.

Thoughts?

AWESOME!

The Official Spider-Man 3 Trailer! Set your faces to stunned.


Now, I don't normally make seperate entries for any old movie trailer. But, let's face it - this is no normal movie. This is the greatest comic book movie franchise of all time. (Hmm, there's a possible future thread..)

And here it is...

http://www.ifilm.com/presents/spiderman3



Well, making Sandman Uncle Ben's killer was something I didn't expect, but it at least means he won't be just some second-rate "beat him at the start" villain (which I was worried about). Looks like there's gonna be three villains after all, although with Sandman AND Venom running around, I can't help but think Harry's "boo-hoo, you killed my father" act is going to carry much weight.

But, regardless - it's looking superb. I simply cannot wait.

Official Fortress Announcement:

The Boy Is Back In Town.

Yes indeed, the IHM has come back to you all. Hurrah and huzzah. That's not only YOU saying that, but my liver as well. Honestly, I don't think I can do much more seven day alchohol excesses. I really think I'm just going to keel over and die one of these days. From bad ideas (having impromptu "dance-offs" with total strangers) to bad karaoke ("Crazy Horses", for example) to bad hangovers (although, oddly, no vomit at the side of the bed - a genuine first) this was a very welcome break for The Curmudgeon. Which I now need a break because of it. I must be getting old.

Anyway, back to business then, and I notice there's a new version of the Blogger site which they're telling me to update to. There'll be no change in format or posts or threads (so they tell me), but what bothers me is some of you may have to "re-join", which I'm not happy about. Hell, getting people IN here is hard enough, making them re-sign up is something I'm not willing to risk just yet. So if you go to other blogs and see they look different to this one - that is why.

On with the show...

Official Fortress Announcement:

See you in seven....

Well, 'tis that time once again, loyal Dwellers. The Curmudgeon is outta here for seven days, as he heads off to sunny (I hope) Gran Canaria for the last break of the year. So, yes, I know its heartbreaking, but at least its not the 14 day marathon from six months ago. Hell, I couldn't do that to you twice.

So, these doors will be offically closed for seven days, but make sure you all come back next week, when all this madness begins once more.

Until then, my friends, The Curmudgeon salutes you all, as he's off to give his liver an unholy seven day pounding. Pray I make it back in one piece.

And..... Action!

Who is the greatest action movie hero of all time?

Well, I imagine this will be my last post until I come back from my holiday, so let's try and make it a good one, hmmm?

Action movies, then. We no doubt own a fair few in our DVD collections, and (I would wager) the majority of them are more than ten years old. Why is that? Well, (I don't NEED to wager) that's because action movies nowadays are complete shit.

No stars, you see. Back in the late eighties we were spoiled for choice, with Arnie and Stallone, Seagal, Van Damme - even great actors like Harrison Ford and Bruce Willis were still kicking ass, not to mention the likes of Jackie Chan doing all that stuff "for real", and it's fair to say it was a genuine golden age for action movies, where great characters and stupid plots made for quite simply brilliant movies.

But of all the action movie stars (not just the ones I've mentioned, feel free to pitch in some more), who was the BEST? Who's name in big capital letters above the movie title made you part with your hard-earned?

For me, it's an obvious two horse race; Stallone and Ahhnold. A few years back I would have said Arnie without even thinking about it, but recently Stallone has gained nuff respect from the IHM. I mean, damn, he WROTE most of the movies he starred in, from ace 80's junk like Cobra to his genre defining turn in Rambo (the end speech and Stallone's performance, are nothing short of incredible), and let's not forget the Rocky franchise, dodgy "politics" of Rocky IV aside. He was born with pretty severe disabilities, and so his rise to the top (and not just for having muscles) is to be applauded. True, his misses add up to more than his hits ("Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot," anyone? And let's not even touch "Judge Dredd") but Stallone is quite possibly the best action hero - even if he hasn't been in the best movies.

That accolade goes to Arnie. What he lacks in screenwriting skill and any measure of acting talent, he more than made up for in screen presence, the desire to make fun of himself and one fucking GOOD agent. While Stallone was starring in clunkers like Over The Top, Arnie was notching up mega hits in superb brain-fodder like Predator and Terminator 2, not to mention The Running Man and Total Recall. Face it - you own ALL of those films. And face it again - you've seen Kindergarten Cop more than twice.

So that's my two cents - Stallone gets the nod towards the best star, in terms of acting and writing ability, but Arnie wins out in the end for the sheer amount of great action movies under his belt.

So, now it’s your turn. This is the spot to talk about great action movies in general (or, hey - even bad ones). Who did you like? Who did you hate? Is the traditional action genre dead in the water?

And of course - who YOU think is the best action hero of all time.

Now THAT hidd de spod!

Review 104: WWE Wrestlemania Complete Anthology

For the last time - things The Curmudgeon actually LIKES - Part Five!

If any of you are familiar with The Curmudgeon's other reviews, you may well be scratching your heads at this one. A FIVE star review?! That can't be right. And usually, YOU would be right. The Curmudgeon has dedicated 95 of his 100 reviews to bringing you the very worst things out there. To celebrate the 50 review milestone I reviewed 5 GREAT things that are available on Amazon, and so, now I've reached 100, I thought I'd do the same again. So, from reviews 100 - 105, it's going to be nothing but good, great and awesome stuff.

Now, like the four previous positive reviews, this is more a review of the general subject, not just this DVD in particular. Like, reviewing Season Seven of The Simpsons was an excuse to talk about the Simpsons in general and.. well, you get the idea.

Wrestling, then. An unfair stereotype is that of the knuckle-dragging, mouthbreathing wrestling fan. True, that type does exist (and the girls are always pig-ugly) but with the internet and discussion groups etc, I've discovered that some of the cleverest and funniest people on the net are wrestling fans. Hey, a bit like your old pal The Curmudgeon.

OK, so wrestling is the ultimate in lowbrow, no brainer entertainment. The more I think of it the weirder it is that I've enjoyed watching WWE for so many years. The WWE expects you to be entertained by..

Big flashy lights and loud explosions
Woeful acting
Laughable plots
Some utterly dire wrestlers
Shameless female exploitation

Not that there's anything wrong with the last one, but for every idiotic angle and storyline the WWE throws at us, they counter it with some superb matches, wrestlers and enjoyable, interesting feuds. When it's good, it's good, and when it's great - it is quite simply some of the best entertainment on television.

Wrestlemania has always been the granddaddy of main events, even if its appeal has waned over the years with countless main events throughout the year now instead of the traditional four. Nevertheless, this boxset contains some unmissable, classic stuff. And Wrestlemania IX, which deserves to be destroyed post haste.

To many, wrestling will always be "fat guys rolling around in leotards", but to the educated, wrestling (and for me, WWE) is grade A entertainment; ultra skilled athletes, hot women and 100% escapism every single week. Honestly, what's not to love?

And that's that, folks. Five "nice" reviews before the rot of the world sets in again and I begin to attack all the other crud available on Amazon for you to buy. Hope you've enjoyed this limited series of things that makes The Curmudgeons' world happy, smiley and bouncy. Now, I have to counteract all this nice guy stuff with something utterly, utterly loathsome. Whatever could THAT be? Only one way to find out, true believers...

Review 103: Godzilla 7 DVD Collection

For a limited time only: Things The Curmudgeon actually LIKES - Part Four!

If any of you are familiar with The Curmudgeon's other reviews, you may well be scratching your heads at this one. A FIVE star review?! That can't be right. And usually, YOU would be right. The Curmudgeon has dedicated 95 of his 100 reviews to bringing you the very worst things out there. To celebrate the 50 review milestone I reviewed 5 GREAT things that are available on Amazon, and so, now I've reached 100, I thought I'd do the same again. So, from reviews 100 - 105, it's going to be nothing but good, great and awesome stuff.

Sometimes there's no justice. The term "Giant Monster Movies" immediately throws up two names: Godzilla and King Kong. The two kings of the genre have never really been fairly matched, however. Whilst Godzilla has a far greater quantity of movies, the big monkey certainly wins out in the quality stakes. Godawful 70's remake and sequel aside, Kong has fared better in the original movie (easily one of the greatest movies ever made) and the new glossy big budget remake certainly fared better than the abysmal 90's US attempt at Godzilla.

Speaking of THAT film, it's included on this boxset. Now let us never speak of it again. There's far better films to consider, all of which embrace the sense of adventure, inventiveness and fun that make this genre such a joy to watch. This boxset collects some of the more recent efforts, miles away from the more kiddie-friendly fare of the 70's movies. These are far more, um, realistic(?) in approach, a nod to the more serious side of the Big G. It's a superb collection that, crappy American attempt aside, will please anyone who don't salivate over the latest 100 million dollar CGI-fest. A guy in a suit it may be, but the genius of these movies is their ability to make you believe that it's a bad ass radioactive dinosaur trashing Tokyo for the millionth time.

This review isn't just about this boxset in particular, but Godzilla movies in general. If you can accept the often ropey effects, the absurd plots and wonky dialogue, they offer a sense of escapism that is unmatched. These movies have a passion and genuine love for their monsters that is so infectious, it isn't long before you know all of the monsters and are cheering on your favourites ("Go Mecha-Godzilla! Wooooh!")

King Kong and Godzilla, then. Kong may have the better movies, but Godzilla remains the better - and best - monster. Regardless of all the "final movie" comments (pah, I'll believe it when I see it) - long may his reign continue.

And that's part four of five taken care of. Just one more thing that The Curmudgeon actually likes. But what on earth could it be? Only one way to find out...

Review 102: The League Of Gentlemen DVD Collection

For a limited time only: Things The Curmudgeon actually LIKES - Part Three!

If any of you are familiar with The Curmudgeon's other reviews, you may well be scratching your heads at this one. A FIVE star review?! That can't be right. And usually, YOU would be right. The Curmudgeon has dedicated 95 of his 100 reviews to bringing you the very worst things out there. To celebrate the 50 review milestone I reviewed 5 GREAT things that are available on Amazon, and so, now I've reached 100, I thought I'd do the same again. So, from reviews 100 - 105, it's going to be nothing but good, great and awesome stuff.

Comedy is a strange thing. For years it was always considered that Britain produced superior comedy (Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, Dad's Army). Even in the 90's, although America was in front, Britain produced some classics (Red Dwarf, Game On, Father Ted, Fast Show and some cosy family comedies - Keeping Up Appearances, Men Behaving Badly all major hits) yet recently the words "British" and "comedy" were enough to give even the most hardy viewer nightmares. America were indeed the champs of comedy, with Seinfeld, The Simpsons, Friends, Frasier.. in a contest, the UK were rank amateurs compared to the American Heavyweight champs.

Then - things began to change. From around 1999 onwards British comedy has had a severe shot in the arm, giving new life to the once dead genre. True, the mainstream family comedy was now a thing of the past, but the likes of Little Britain, The Office, Brass Eye, Phoenix Nights and more were coming thick and fast.

And (arguably) the best of them all? The League Of Gentlemen - one of the cleverest, willingly absurd but lovingly crafted comedies of all time. Devilish in its targets (paedophilia, incest, mass murder - all weekly topics), what made League a step above its murky roots were the characters and actors involved in them, giving even the most grisly inhabitant of Royston Vasey depth and charm. Hell, you even feel sorry for some of them.

Seasons One and Two were near flawless examples of sketch show lunacy (even if the characters evolved and progressed each week, seldom seen in this format), the absurdly wonderful and disturbing Christmas Special and the genius of Season Three (a mile away from Seasons One and Two, in both style and content) make this collection something to be watched over and over. Die-hards can spot the injokes, the running gags, the hidden gags.. newbies can become involved in a grim world where the words "are you local" should have you running for your life.

Sick, twisted madness. Like the best sitcoms, we all want for more, but like the VERY best sitcoms, (Young Ones, Fawlty Towers, The Office), we're not going to get it (token movie notwithstanding). Absolutely unmissable.

And that's part three of five taken care of. Two more things that The Curmudgeon actually likes. But what on earth could they be? Only one way to find out...

Review 101: The Simpsons Complete Seventh Season DVD

For a limited time only: Things The Curmudgeon actually LIKES - Part Two!

If any of you are familiar with The Curmudgeon's other reviews, you may well be scratching your heads at this one. A FIVE star review?! That can't be right. And usually, YOU would be right. The Curmudgeon has dedicated 95 of his 100 reviews to bringing you the very worst things out there. To celebrate the 50 review milestone I reviewed 5 GREAT things that are available on Amazon, and so, now I've reached 100, I thought I'd do the same again. So, from reviews 100 - 105, it's going to be nothing but good, great and awesome stuff.

You can't help but adore The Simpsons. Sure, some of the more recent episodes are in danger of eating themselves in terms of "wackiness" and lack of character driven plot, but that aside, it's still the most consistently hilarious, satirical and downright ingenious program on television. Season Seven still sees them at their peak, with brilliant scripts and some genuinely touching moments. Just ignore the rubbish 3-D episode. Yuch.

It's when you really delve into Springfield you realise JUST how good a show The Simpsons really is. Has there ever been a show that has such a wide variety of fully fleshed, loveable characters that can co-exist outside of the main family? Think Mr Burns, Apu, Barney, Mo, Smithers, Patty and Selma, Groundskeeper Willie, Krusty, Skinner.. the list is ENDLESS. All these characters have quirks, catchphrases, identities and histories.. The Simpsons haven't created a TV show, they've pretty much created their own universe.

So this review isn't just for Season Seven. This review is in praise of The Simpsons itself - quite easily the greatest sitcom of all time. And as for the DVDs themselves? They are a fitting testament to the show; lovingly created, with commentaries for EVERY episode (sometimes the commentaries are better than the episodes themselves), and more extras than you'll ever know what to do with. These new collectable packaging (optional, of course) only serve as a reminder of how savvy and keyed-in to their audiences that Matt Groening et al really are.

As Mr Burns might well say - "huzzah."


And that's part two of five taken care of. Three more things that The Curmudgeon actually likes. But what on earth could they be? Only one way to find out...

Review 100: Brass Eye DVD

For a limited time only! Things The Curmudgeon actually LIKES! Part One

If any of you are familiar with The Curmudgeon's other reviews, you may well be scratching your heads at this one. A FIVE star review?! That can't be right. And usually, you WOULD be right. The Curmudgeon has dedicated 95 of his 100 reviews to bringing you the very worst things out there. To celebrate the 50 review milestone I reviewed 5 GREAT things that are available on Amazon, and so, now I've reached 100, I thought I'd do the same again. So, from reviews 100 - 105, it's going to be nothing but good, great and awesome stuff.

It's actually depressing to see that I'm the first person on the whole of Amazon to review Brass Eye, so hopefully the word of The Curmudgeon will prove enough for some more people to buy what is unquestionably one of the most daring, original and downright hilarious comedies ever made.

Chris Morris, he of the same twisted genius that created "The Day Today" was given free reign on Channel 4, the more family friendly BBC shackles removed, giving him a chance to provide some of the most shocking, controversial comedy skits ever shown on television. This gained Chris Morris public enemy number one status ("The most hated man in Britain", one knuckleheaded tabloid shrieked). Why? Well, every week Chris would front what looked like the usual factual, self-important news shows seen around 9 or 10pm. Glossy, serious and overblown, they were ripe for parody. And that's exactly what Chris did, with half hour long shows targeting, amongst other things..

Drugs
Animal Cruelty
Sex
Crime

And, in one of the most infamous television moments ever - a 2001 paedophile special, satirising the knee-jerk reactions the tabloids and the media have for child molesters, their ability to provoke outrage and fear being the main target. This lead to a record number of complaints, as outraged parents totally missed the point of the show.

Throughout Brass Eye, Chris tricks celebrities into talking ABSOLUTE DRIVEL that they read off cue cards, highlighting these parasites as only being interested in appearing on television. Some of these moments are excruciating to watch, as these idiots say anything that's put in front of them. Brilliant, brilliant stuff.

It was never meant to be for the masses to enjoy. This isn't cosy "Friends" territory. This is, for want of a better term, rock and roll comedy; take no prisoners, offend the majority but ultimately get an important message through.

Absolutely unmissable. I urge you to own this program.

And that's part one of five taken care of. Four more things that The Curmudgeon actually likes. But what on earth could they be? Only one way to find out...

In Time For Halloween II

Do YOU believe in ghosts?

I've always been a fan of unexplained phenomena. Whether its trashy "listen to the scary music and look at the shaky camera reconstruction’s, folks" TV shows about the subject, movies on the subject or reading internet discussions - the likes of Bigfoot, UFO's, the Loch Ness Monster and, especially, ghosts, just never gets old.

So, ghosts, then. Arguably the most plausible of all the "Believe It Or Not", it's also the one with the most personal experience stories (well, I can't imagine many people having Bigfoot stories). Everyone you know has either seen a ghost or knows someone who's seen a ghost, and I love hearing all that stuff.

The picture above is a bit of a ghost story in itself, and not just the typical "comedy" picture I would use. It was a picture taken in the Amityville house (I'm not sure who by) and there was no little boy in the picture at the time. When you study the case, and look at the boy in the picture and the boy that was murdered.. well.. needless to say that is fairly creepy (far more creepy than the movies, anyway).

Personally, I've never seen anything even half ghostly (and I don't really know what I would do if I ever did), but my own ghost story is borrowed from my wife's own experience when she was about 12. She was staying at her cousin's house, which always had its fare share of freaky shit happening (chairs rocking by themselves, weird noises, that sort of thing) and she and her cousin were sleeping in the same bed (steady..), and there was a poster of Laurel and Hardy on the wall. So, it's early morning and the two girls are just lying talking, and my wife looks across the room at the picture. And Stan Laurel winked at her.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking - her imagination. I immediately thought "bullshit" to myself as well, except for what happened next. My wife's cousin jumps back in the bed and said "did that poster just wink?"

Add to the fact my wife isn't one of those annoying people who just makes up stories for the hell of it (God I hate people like that) and you have one pretty spooky story. Man, if only Oliver Hardy had wiggled his tie..

So now it’s your turn, faithful Dwellers - know any spooky stories? Ever seen anything you can't explain? Come on - just in time for Halloween - make our hairs stand on end..

Just in time for Halloween..

Have kids got it too easy for Halloween now?

Now then, this post will depend on a few things, I would imagine. Such as:

1. Your age.
2. Your location.
3. Your childhood.


So, for those of who DID go out trick-or-treating (and not "still do", although I don't think there's anyone THAT young in here.. but you never know, do you?) I need to clear a few things up before I go on this rant. You see, different people I've talked to about this have different traditions and ideas to what the whole shebang is about. So I'll fill you in on what The Curmudgeon's Halloween used to entail..

You make your own costume, whether it's from things lying around the house (sneaking into your parents drawers and using their stuff if necessary), getting together with an equally excited gang of friends, going round doors and then telling a joke or singing a song to get your reward. That's what trick-or-treating has ALWAYS been to me.

Nowadays, though, (he says with a gruff sigh and a shake of the head), it's TOTALLY different. For one, the costumes kids have nowadays are rubbish. There is zero effort put into it now, and as a result the "costumes" now consist of a cheap plastic mask - and that's IT. The amount of times I opened the door last year to the same boring, unimaginative skeleton mask just defied belief.

And the kids don't DO anything anymore! No jokes, no songs (thankfully, I admit – listening to a bunch of tone-deaf idiots would be torture) and yet we're supposed to throw out sweets for that? A cheap, crap mask and an open hand? I don't think so.

I'll tell you a little anecdote about one of my first Halloween's (that I can remember, anyway). I must have been about seven and I had this sidesplitting, have-them-rolling-in-the-aisles joke to tell all of my punters..

Q: What goes tick tick woof?
A: A watch dog.

Big laughs all round, right? Except the first house I went into I got so shy and embarrassed I fluffed my line. This family had a cat, which may explain why I said..

"What goes tick tick... meow? A meow clock."

The “………….. riiiiiiiight..” look on their faces still haunts me today. I think they thought I was one of the special needs kids out on day release.

Anyway, back to my point. Kids have it FAR too easy for Halloween nowadays, and it's a fairly depressing show of today's society when 90% of the kids have to have their parents with them. Just another nail in the coffin for the glorious tradition of trick-or-treat.

So what was Halloween like for YOU? Did you tell jokes or anything like that? Did you make your own costumes? Or am I giving out telltale signs of my tragic upbringing?

And you are.......?

Fortress Dwellers - tell us about yourself.

I've held off doing this particular thread until I felt there was enough regular members to warrant it. It's a tricky one, because it's pointless when there's only two people rattling around, yet it would be hard to keep track of names and faces if there were 1000 of us.

So, a fairly self-explanatory thread, and one that can be found in every discussion group in the history of man. Who the hell are you, basically.

So, offer as little or as much as you like, of who you are and what makes you tick. You see, I think it'll help us build more of a sense of a "community". I've been a regular member of a DVD Board, and I chat with the same people most days. Well, we often e-mail to let each other know if we've seen something we know the other will like (a certain new DVD Boxset or some such thing), and so I'd like to try and get that sort of thing going on around here. Well, I can try at least.

One thing I will ask - could you add where you found the address for this site? Was it from my Amazon reviews or Myspace or did someone mention it to you or did you see it in a link from another site? It's just so I know what's working and what isn't in my tireless whoring of the place on other forums.

This can also serve as a sort of time capsule, to show who were the original Dwellers from the early(ish) days. If more people join up on the site I may well have another "And You Are..?" segment, but this can serve as a nice reminder of who was here and when.

So, I'll get the ball rolling first (although I would imagine my likes and dislikes have been more than covered already). I'm The Curmudgeon and, believe it or not, I don't actually spend every waking moment of my life on the internet. Don't get me wrong, the net absolutley RULES but, truth be told, I only ever visit about five sites every day (this being one of them). I used to love online chatrooms and stuff like that, but it got boring and VERY tedious after a while. I can only be asked "A/S/L" so many times and scream obseneties at them before it gets a little dull.

The two main things I spend my money on are music and movies. I like horror movies, sci-fi movies and quirky indie films, but basically I'll give anything a go (unless its got Martin Lawrence or Sandra Bullock - then it gets filed away in B1N). I collect comic book and superhero related movies, TV shows, old cinema serials.. I call it The Mission, and it means that I have quite simply some of the most wretched pieces of celluloid in existence.

Music is a hard thing for me to categorise, as I listen to a fairly mixed bag. I won't bore you with a list of names, but I like everything from Prince to Bowie to Slipknot to Sly and The Family Stone. Live gigs are another of my favourite hobbies, and I've seen mostly everyone I want to see, but it's always cool to see a new band for the first time.

I always bang on about comic books, but truth is I'm not some serious collector or reader of them. I have six titles I buy every month (one I've been buying since issue one for over 10 years), and they all (besides a Batman title) are from Marvel. I would read any comic book put in front of me, but it's a costly business to get curious about. I hate to "stick with what I know" but, hey.. it's better than nothing. And the Marvel Universe kicks the CRAP out of DC.

I'm really into writing, and I've tried my hand at pretty much everything from short stories to screenplays. I'm now currently trying to write a script for the radio (and hoo-wee, is it difficult to get into).

After reading all that, you may be shocked to discover that I'm married (two and a bit years now). No kids (the thought still frightens me to the core) but, uh, we've got two cats if that helps. Ash and Ziggy - do your homework and guess where the names came from.

And that's that from me. Like I said all of the above has already been mentioned more than once in other threads but it can't hurt to have it all down again for any newcomers.

Now it's YOUR turn. It's going to be like your first day of school where you're trotted out into the middle of the class to introduce yourself and stammer out your details to a chorus of snickers and name-calls (uh, did that happen to anyone else?)

So come on then.. in a big voice..

Empty-Headed?

Is The Fortress Of Solitude a total no-brainer?

The next couple of threads I'm going to write are going in a slightly different direction than previous ones. That is, I'm going to be talking about this site in general, as well as the people who make it worth visiting in the first place.

So, first up I'm going to address something that's been at the back of my mind for a couple of weeks now, and it all started with this comment from someone who had visited The Fortress (but neglected to post anything.. boo!) and he had this to say..

"So wat does the almighty curmudgeon actually deem worth talking about? do u actually talk about serious things like politics and war or do you only talk about really pressing matters like computer games and godzilla?"

And then, with a totally different attitude of course, Trashcanman commented on Invisible Wolfman's post about his previously estranged dad; "Wow. I wasn't expecting to read anything of this sort here".

So I feel a need to bring this to the front for a bit. When I started this site I wanted to create a vibe of, well, let's call it a Pub Conversation (or a bar for our American Dwellers). You know the sort of easy, lightweight chat you have when a group of friends gets together over a few beers? You talk about movies, girls, music.. it's just banter. I wanted to create a sense of logging into this site for twenty minutes and just sharing pleasant, friendly chat over the things we spend our spare time on, as well as ripping into the things in modern society we hate.

To continue with the bar-conversation angle, there's a rule that the things you DON'T talk about there are politics and religion, because no one will ever agree. Sure, I could post threads on asylum seekers and suicide bombers and who's going to be the new Prime Minister, but there are a million websites dedicated to shit like that, and hell - this is The Fortress of SOLITUDE, meaning the depressing state of current affairs is kept strictly OUTSIDE.

I've always said that you can talk about anything you like on here, so if any Dweller contributes with a thread about the war situation or whatever, by all means I'll post it. But I won't be writing anything like that on here myself.

Invisible Wolfman's "I Am Your Father" post was a totally new direction for the site, and I thought it was an excellent progression - it's moving the Fortress into far more of a "community", making us all aware of who it is we're actually talking to, instead of just random names on a website. I didn't expect it, but I would certainly welcome any further "from the heart" threads (and hey, who doesn't have conversations like THAT in bars as well?)

What I'm trying to say is, to the naysayer who started me off and to anyone else first venturing into this site - we're not naive idiots who don't have a clue what's happening in the real world. But you've just logged into a site with the address "like a squashed octopus" - you really think we're going to be getting deep and meaningful here?

Enjoy it for what its supposed to be – escapism, pure and simple. A chance to chat with eloquent, funny and intelligent people about the things that don’t really matter, but really actually do.

Dweller Contribution: Invisible Wolfman writes...

I Am Your Father..



You know, there comes a time in everyone's life that something unexpectedly changes. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad but sometimes it just defies gravity. The latter applies to me at the moment, and just like Superman I feel like I can fly fast enough to spin the world backwards in time just before that quake started. Why?

After 27 years, I can finally say I have a father.

No, you read it correctly. 27 years. Let me let you in a bit on my secret origins. I was born in 1977 to my parents, and at the time they couldn't have been happier to have me in their lives. This would prove to be short lived, as my mother and father would break up by the time I was two. With the social climate the way it was back then, the father rarely (usually only by the slightest miracle) ever got custody of a child / children. As I grew up, I heard things about him. And they weren't good. To boot, I was saddled with the memory of someone wearing a mustache burning a cigarette into both of my hands when I was barely old enough to stand on my own. And that was a more pleasant memory when compared to the other things I was told he had done. Needless to say, after so long of hearing these things it became easier to believe that he was "more machine than man. Twisted and evil."

I spoke to him once in 1986. He had called to see if I had gotten the Castle Greyskull playset for my He-Man figures. I told him yes and then told him who it was from. He then said "No. I got it for you. May I speak to your mother, please?" She showed me a picture of him later on after he got off the phone. There he was, on a park bench in Chicago wearing sunglasses and a mustache. To me, it was an awful reminder of the scars on my hands and an unfortunate confirmation my mother was right. And so the hate I had for him quadrupled immediately and there it festered like an open wound until recent.

After so many years of not knowing and uncertainty, especially after the untimely death of my mother in 2002, I decided that I MUST face the facts and get a hold of him. I followed a few of the clues I had and my wife & I hit the internet search engines. Her persistence paid off, and we narrowed it down to a few areas close enough to our clues. We also checked in with the high school where my dad graduated and discovered he had a few relatives still living there in the local town. After two phone calls, I got his number.

And damned if he wasn't home the first time.

I finally got him on the phone and he about cried. I stayed tough, but only because I had to get to the bottom of the horrible things my mother accused him of. I let him talk things out, and he was able to let me know many things that my mother had only told part of. His side allowed me to understand the other half of those things. Suddenly it was like I had a glass of water in my hands and I had turned it upside down but the water was still holding in place. However, there was still one question that I had for my father and it was designed to point out if he was lying to me or not about these terrible accusations he denied doing. And it was so simple of a question that he'd never notice if I slipped it in at the right moment (which I did). That question was:

When did you grow your mustache?

His answer came as a relief. After 27 years of horrible lies, sleepless nights, countless hours of self-doubting and uncertainty as well as a lack of a true father/son relation ship…I finally can say I have a father. The weight of the years lifted away and I'm just so glad to finally have him back into my life. I'm flying him out to visit me during the Christmas time. What the future holds, no one truly knows. All I can say is that from here, I can see for miles and miles………

Time to get scared!

Movie Discussion: What's the greatest horror franchise?

First of all, apologies for the length of time its taken for a new thread to show up. I won't bore you with the details but, safe to say - The Curmudgeon has been a busy boy.

Anyway, thought I'd get the ball rolling once again with an easy to grasp subject, something I think all the Dwellers out there will have some say in. Horror franchises. As Halloween rolls around, no doubt there will be a large number of these movies either coming onto TV or perhaps even showing in one of those cool cinema's that show old movies from time to time (a dying breed, let me tell you).

First of all - a few rules before we can begin the debate. The term "franchise" has to mean movies with more than three entries, just in case some dimbulb wants to name Scream as the best horror franchise. Then we'd have to kill them, see.

The obvious names pop up; Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday The 13th.. but whilst they have the most entries (and arguably the best villains), there is a severe lack of quality in those movies (particularly the Friday 13th series, which, let's face it, doesn't even have ONE decent movie in the entire set).

My vote would have to go to the Psycho series. Let's look at the reasons:

Norman Bates is one of the most realistic, sympathetic movie killers of all time. Not some indestructible ghoul, Anthony Perkins twitchy, half-smiling weirdo has you squirming in your seat the one minute and actually feeling sorry for him the next (particularly in part II).

The first movie is one of the greatest of all time - of any genre.

As I discussed in my Amazon review, the sequel actually manages to be better than the book, which as we all know is a rare feat indeed.

Psycho IV was a TV movie, which is usually a sign that it should be burned at the stake. But it was actually a decent, intelligent story that made attempt to explain the characters of Norman and Norma in some depth.


So there you go. The Curmudgeon's greatest horror franchise is Psycho, the only dud in its series being the redundant remake and the (non-canon) TV show.

Anyone care to voice their own?

Take THAT!

It's war - The Curmudgeon vs The Spammers!

If there's one thing that pisses The Curmudgeon off, it's Spam mail. You know how it is, you check your mail inbox and you find you've got 10 new entires. Feeling popular, you click to see what they are. And it's all junk mail and scam letters (which, surely, no-one falls for?). A complete waste of time.

So I decided to have some fun, and instead of junking the spam mail - I replied to some. And they replied back. Hoo-wee! At first I decided to be good ol' jive-talkin' Jamie Starr. Here's what happened (please note - NONE of the cut and paste e-mails have been changed, altered or doctored in ANY WAY. I've not printed the original spam mails, because they go on for ages - plus we've all seen them 100 times before).

First victim: Dr Hazim Bello.

Reply: Dear Dr Bollock

Hello there. Thanks for your generous offer but.. are you sure this will be OK? I don't want anyone to get into trouble.

Yours

James Starr

Bello (or Bollock) writes:

Dear James Starr,

Once again, thanks for your mail and for accepting to do this business deal with me. Because of the confidentiality and secrecy required in this business, correspond with me only with this present email and contact me on phone only on this very private phone number; 00226-765-020-59 ,I arranged this line for this deal. Kindly call me on phone so that we can discuss the modalities of concluding this transaction within a short duration.

I have found it necessary to give you more explanation on this deal and to give you details and breakdown of the modality which we have to follow to achieve this highly beneficial success. I am a banker and an insider. I know the process to be taken officially in the bank to investigate and verify your claim to grant you approval as the next of kin to the late customer, who died along with his whole family in a plane crash leaving no one behind to come for his fund left with this bank. since this is a secret account that he operates for his business as a contractor and there is no one left to come this claim i used this chance to contact you on your assistance so that we have this money transferred into your account since i have all the required information concerning the deceased man because i have been his account adviser before his late.

I know and I am optimistic that this business deal will uplift our financial status, it’s just for you to follow my instruction and guidelines until the fund will enter your account. I need your absolute cooperation in this great project.

The legal aspect of this transaction will be handled by a lawyer who will represent you at the bank as your resident attorney.

This business is a great deal and will need determination and great arrangement to succeed. The arrangement which has already been made is my underground responsibility in the bank in seeing that the whole process to be taken to achieve your approval and for the smooth transfer of your inheritance to your desired account is made without any conceivable hitch.

I assure you therefore that all loopholes and security measures are covered and all obstacles removed. This business deal will never endanger any of us on both sides. It is 100% free from any risk what so ever. It had taken me years to arrive at the stage before I decided to look for a foreigner to assist me, because of my financial incapability and been from this country.

TRUST AND CONFIDENCE.
I need to emphasise on the need for trust and confidence on both side as the pillar for the success of this business. You need to reassure me that you will not betray me and sit on this fund when it finally comes into your custody. Forward to me the followings:

1.your full name.
2. Home and office address.
3. Occupation.
4. Scanned copy of your international passport or driver’s license.

TAKING OFF.
The understanding of this details and accepting to work with me in this deal is the starting point. I require you therefore to declare your decision immediately. I have a time frame to conclude the transfer of this fund to your account. I have 14 banking days to affect this, immediately your application is received by bank.

Let me hear from you before I will send to you the contact of the department in charge of the foreign remittance in the bank so that you can apply for the release of this money to you.

With great wishes, have a nice day.

Hazim Bello.
TEL: 00226 76502059

Jamie writes:

Dear Dr Bollock:

Thanks for getting back in touch with me, and thank you for all the details you gave me.

I need to know before I send any details out though that I'm not going to get into any trouble over this. Po-po is a no-no, you feelin' me? I mean - lets be honest here - it sounds pretty fishy. Thuggin' and buggin' is one thing, but this shizzle sounds doggy pizzle.

I want to help you out and I know I will be helping myself out but I just need to be sure. Are we all on the level here? Don't go jive talking me here now. Poppa don't play that.

Before I send anything out - tell me - WILL I GET IN TROUBLE?

Holla

Jamie Starr

Bello again..

Dear Jamie Starr ,


Thanks for your immediate reply and I am stating it on a plane form that this business is 100% risk free and you are not going to get into problem.

To be Sure of this, i will advise that you contact the bank first and ask them to help you with a good and bank accrediated lawyer that will help you out with a financial problem that you have with thier bank, here you will then seek for the service of this lawyer, send him a copy of the application that i am going to send to you and ask him to go and verify with the bank over this claim ,that you are the next of kin to this fund and that you want this bank to transfer this money to your account.

It is here now that you will know that this business will be legally handled and that what the bank needs from you is onle the correct informations that i am going to give you, then they will start the processing of this transfer.

LISTEN , THAT THE DECEASED DIED ALONG WITH HIS WHOLE FAMILY LEAVING ON ONE BEHIND TO COME FOR THIS CLAIM AND THIS IS A SECRET ACCOUNT THAT HE OPERATES FOR HIS BUSINESS BEING A CONTRACT HERE IN MY COUNTRY.

I will advise that you call me on :00226 76502059 for more discussions and i will be forwarding a text of application which you will feel and contact the lawyer or the bank direct to start the processing of this on your name.

Hazim Bello.

And up from the depths..

Whad'up Bollock

I mentioned this (in the strictest confidence) to a friend of mine and he told me that it sounds like a "scam." I was all like, "nuh-uh. Talk to the HAND beeeatch," but he wasn't frontin' for a second. He was ON and POPPIN with that shit.

I only signed up to the internet a couple of weeks ago so I'm pretty new to all of this hippity hoppity. Now, don't go hatin' on a brother for asking this homie but apparantly these scams are everywhere. But I argued with him that if it WAS a scam you wouldn't be offering ME that bling, right?

Do you know what he said? "WhatEVER." Tscch. I'm going to pop a cap in that parrot tomorrow. I should NEVER have bought it.

Have you heard of such "scams?" And I know I'm sounding paranoid now but listen to a brother and tell me you're on the level and I'll call you straight away.

Thanks again for your time

Much love, no diggity

Jamie Starr


And, oddly enough - I haven't heard from him since. It doesn't end there, though. Someone else decided to reply to these mails. Someone huge. And metal. Click on the replies to find out who..

Review 100: Keith N Shane - Girl You Know Its True

Career suicide put to music.


Sometimes there comes along a record that is SO bad, so absolutely toe-curlingly AWFUL that everyone pounces on it and rips it to shreds. Magazines, newspapers, critics.. this is one of those rare records. It genuinely is one of the worst things ever recorded.

Where to begin? OK - I'll tell you who these two idiots are. Fresh from ultra crap boyband Boyzone splitting up, the two anonymous gimps that didn't do anything outrageous (like sing) teamed up, and what do you think they came up with? A sugary pop ballad? Nope. A cover of a pop classic? Well.... kind of.

Most wouldn't consider pop fakers Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True" a classic as such. It's no Billie Jean or Purple Rain, but these two covered it because, get this - Milli Vanilli didn't sing, and everyone thinks that THEY didn't sing in Boyzone either. Ha ha ha. Awesome, eh? Except they didn't - it was all Ronan Keating or Stephen Gately, Keith and Shane just hung around in the background waiting for someone to yell "cut". So much for THAT idea.

And so much for the song. Instead of a by the numbers cover, Keith and Shane instead opted to go all GANGSTA on our asses, with a knuckle chewing, "stop it my ears are on fire" rap. Check out these lyrics, yo..

"Well you've tried the rest now here's the best, cos the KS, yes, we're gonna fly the nest."

Not going to give Eminem any sleepless nights, Keith and Shane, the two most UN-hip hop names in existence, were now K&S. They also mocked other boybands like Westlife ("Lowlife, go and get your own life" - ziiiing!) and Five ("when the lights go out Five better watch out!" - ziiiiiing, again!) and then, for absolutely no reason, told us that "Ali G comes before H". Ziii.. uh?

It was an absolute ABOMONATION. Honestly, of the 100 things I've reviewed here, this is quite easily the most mis-guided, pitiful and downright diabolical entry. An example of egos ran wild, of having number one singles put in their lap and mistaking it for talent and having something to say. Of course it wasn't, and this single went down in history as the worst career move ever. K&S were quickly shelved and the two were never seen again. Thank God for that, at least.

So that's that, then. 100 reviews, 95 of the worst things ever. I'm going to find it tough to beat this one, so I may lay low after the next five reviews. But what will they be? Well, when you trudge through the depths of Hell, there's only one way to go - and that's up, up, up! That's right, another five things I actually LIKE coming up next. And believe it or not, Boyzone won't be included.

Review 99: Dungeons and Dragons

Dung and a drag.

OK, first things first true believers - The Curmudgeon is NOT a D&D fan. I've nothing against it or anything (I don't think it's nerdy or whatever), it's just never been my bag. But I was VERY excited when I saw this movie was being released. Why?

Simple - the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, which was by far the coolest cartoon of the 1980's. It smoked He-Man, Thundercats and any other contender and became one of THE best experiences of childhood. So while a movie based on the board game would have been cool, I was secretly hoping for a movie based on the cartoon. Come on - Hank and his flaming bow and arrow? Sarcastic Eric and his shield (you'd think the Dungeon Master would have thrown a SWORD in there too?), Bobby the Barbarian.. and let's not forget the uber bad-ass - Vengar himself. Let's face it folks - done right, it would have been AWESOME.

But we didn't get that - we got, well.. who knows? The plot is so incoherent and amateurish it could have been based on a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo's. And whilst great acting is never the prime goal in these sorts of movies, special mention MUST go to the utter lack of any conviction the actors here have in their performances, coming across as just stepping out of a Snow White pantomime.

And then there's Jeremy Irons. Bit of a superb actor is our Jeremy, and I'm sure he thought at first he had signed up to a classy fantasy movie, thinking perhaps of Sir Alec Guiness in Star Wars. Then he read the script and saw the talentless monkeys he was working with and went full out into giving the worst performance of his entire career, not so much saying his lines as yelling them and spitting at the camera in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. Easily the best thing of the movie.

The producers obviously thought it was going to do well judging by its laughably hopeful ambiguous ending. Not a chance in hell, guys. You had your chance and you blew it with this dragon turd of a film.

Stick with the boxset of the cartoon, and see how fantasy really SHOULD be presented.

Review 98: Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill Acoustic

No new ideas - the album!

Well, if this isn't the laziest, most cynical excuse for a record I've ever seen. It's been a mammoth 10 years since "Jagged Little Pill" came out, and Alanis, sensing herself that's she's done absolutely nothing else of note, save for releasing a few other whiney albums, decides to give everyone all they've ever wanted from her - yet more Jagged Little Pill.

So we have the EXACT same album, track listing - but acoustic. Wow, thanks for that. Perfect for all those girls who bought the first album, you know, the ones that don't really LIKE music (not in a mad way, to buy more than one album a year or anything stupid like that). So in case the original album was a bit too edgy for you, a bit too extreme and hardcore, with a few loud guitars and stuff - this is the one for you. The same album but with the sound of a woman who has absolutely given up on music and making something new, content to sing the same songs and rest on her laurels forever. Isn't that all her fans want of her in the first place?

It's a depressing album, it really is. No vision or passion or inventiveness - the hits, from the only album she's made that mattered. A pointless record from a dead in the water woman. Where would the music business be if all artists pulled this stunt? Madonna would still be Like A Virgin. Michael Jackson would still be dancing with corpses instead of sleeping with children. Prince would still be wanting to party like its 1999. Those are REAL artists, not glorified one trick ponies.

And you'd think, ten years on, she would have found examples of irony that actually were, you know, ironic. Dontcha think?

Review 97: Electric Six - Radio Ga Ga

The joke wears thin.

I must admit to having a soft spot for Electric Six. Their style of comedy rock has more edge and genuine wit than the crop of gurning "hey, we're dorks, duuude" idiots that usually are associated with the genre, and their "Fire" album was full of infectious gems. And they gave us two of the best singles in the last decade, "Danger: High Voltage" and "Gay Bar". I've seen them live too, and they were a blast.

But this is the sound of a joke that isn't funny anymore, and a band who really have ran out of ideas and hits. I never cared for Radio Ga Ga the first time around, I still think it's one of Queen's weakest songs, and this banal cover does nothing to further the cause.

The video is often misinterpreted by knee-jerk reactionary idiots who think Dick Valentine is dancing on Freddie's grave, when he clearly isn't. That isn't my concern here. It just shows a band that have resorted to covering a famous song and hoping wearing a pair of comedy teeth will let them get away with it.

No chance. The single still stiffed in Britain, and they haven't been seen since. I really hope it's NOT the last we see of E6, because they do have their moments. But they need a total overhaul before they would ever be considered a genuine band.

The last batch of reviews I've done have been fun, poking fun at rubbish things. This is different; it's awful, don't get me wrong, but it's no fun telling you about it. But hey, The Curmudgeon tells it like it is. Sigh.

Review 96: Steel (VHS)

Unspeakably awful.

First of all, I apologise for reviewing a... gnnn, can't bring myself to even write it but.. must... a VHS version of this film. Ughh. Video - what WERE we thinking? But I have to - because Steel has never been released on DVD (I collect comic book movies and TV shows on DVD, so I had to buy a copy of this on DVD). And you know what? I would bet my entire Spider-Man collection that it'll never see the light on DVD either. Whoever owns the rights to this is probably keeping it quiet through sheer embarrassment.

Steel, then. Due to my collecting, I have seen some of the worst movies ever made - Batman and Robin. Popeye. Spawn. And now this, easily one of the very worst films of all time. Based on the DC comics character, the only mention of Superman (which this character originates from - Man Of Steel, geddit?) is from the tattoo on Shaquille O Neals arm. Which he already had in the first place.

It's never actually explained WHY Shaq makes an outfit in the first place. I mean, if he wanted to tackle crime he could have done it just fine on his own. He was a seven foot mammoth guy, brave, able to smash phone boxes and windows just by touching them, so why he felt the need to design a costume that made him look like he was dressing up as Robocop for Halloween is anyone's guess.

Ah yes - the costume. Let's talk about that for a minute. I can buy a lot of things in comic book movies (like the comics themselves, they need a certain degree of plausibility tolerance). A guy wants to dress up for no real reason to fight crime? Fair enough. Guy wants to dress in solid steel? (How does he move around?) Uh.. OK, usual level of DC rubbish I suppose. But the believability went right out the window when I saw the outfit. It might as well just have "PLASTIC" stamped all over it. It's PATHETIC. Quite easily the worst superhero costume of all time.

Special mention must go to Shaq's sidekick, Uncle Joe (there are black people in this film, you see. So we need the cackling, wisecracking uncle, the "mmmmm-hmmmmm!" aunt who fusses and cooks, the "don't be playa hatin'" jive talking nephew.. all your black stereotypes in one horrendous movie). Anyway, Uncle Joe is played by Richard Rowndtree, who played Shaft. Just in case you didn't know that, for some reason Uncle Joe is looking at Steels hammer and says "I particularly like the shaft" followed by a knowing silence. I think we're supposed to laugh, but it just sounds like old Uncle Joe was coming on to our hero.

Subtle humour isn't exactly this films strong point. Throughout the movie, there are numerous attempts from Steel to throw certain things into or through other things - and always misses. Ha ha ha ha, isn't that really funny, that a professional basketball player would be so bad at things like that? Stop me laughing by killing me.

There are absolutely no redeemable features in this movie. With a lot of comic book films, no matter how bad they are, I can always find one or two things to appreciate. With Man-Thing, they mentioned the Nexus Of Realities and Man-Thing himself looks pretty good. Supergirl - had at least a sense of continuity with the Superman films and, well, she looked pretty good in her costume too. With Steel? Nothing. Plot wrong, characters wrong, script TERRIBLE, acting atrocious, costume laughable.. Just another 7 foot nail in the comic book movie coffin.

I think I'll leave you with some sage advice from the movie, and an example of the writing quality that is present throughout.

"Eat the hotdog. Don't be one."

There's nothing I can say to top that.

The Curmudgeon hates to beg, but..

Brother, can you spare a vote?

Here's a fact - The Curmudgeon sets out to be hated at times. Now, in The Fortress I'm a different cat to what you would see on other websites. Here it's MY place, where I talk to the very best the net has to offer (trust me - after trawling the horrors of Myspace etc and all the text-speak morons, the dead-eyed "gangsta's" and the generally thick and ignorant - this site, with clever, funny and interesting Dwellers - is like paradise) and The Curmudgeon is a far calmer, far more pleasant personality. On other sites, however - I tend to shoot my mouth off and end up being loathed and despised and end up pretty much ruining the discussion board or whatever it is I'm on. "Internet cancer", if you will.

Amazon.com is one of those sites. Now, I don't know how you stumbled upon the welcoming doors of The Fortress, but odds are some of you will have read the site address on one of my Amazon reviews (I don't pimp the site on THAT many places, you know), and you may well have read them when I put them on here, so you'll notice that I do my very best to offend the fans of whatever garbage I'm reviewing, where I basically insult the product and the sort of people who would buy it.

This led to me getting a barrage of hate mail, but it also led me to accept I was never going to be in the "Top Reviewer" ranks in Amazon, as I anticipated scores of negative votes.

And yet..

Someone out there must like me, because, whilst I have pulled in loads of negative votes, there's been a hell of a lot of positives as well, meaning I kept moving up the ladder, from reviewer rank 640,660 to my current position of 7,726.

So now, you know what? Now I DO care about my ranking. Hell, it'd be different if I was plummeted straight to the bottom, but now I'm actually in the top 10,000 I'm up for what The Curmudgeon does best - cheating.

And, loyal Dwellers - here's where YOU can help The Curmudgeon do that. If you have an Amazon account and can give out positive votes, well then.. I would like YOU to rate my review on the following items. Now, see, this is where it gets tricky - I can't just give you a direct link to my review, because then you can't vote on it. And reviews with 100% positive scores help my rating considerably, so I'm gonna give you links to items I've reviewed that have either no ratings or a few. Confused? Don't be. Just go to..

All New Laurel and Hardy - For Love or Mummy

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B00007K01P/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Eminem - Mockingbird

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B0009E3CFC/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Will Young - Light My Fire

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B000067DRB/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Keith N Shane - Girl You Know Its True

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B000055YEF/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Bo Selecta - Soda Pop/I've Got You Babe

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B0006L5RYC/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Jennifer Ellison - Bye Bye Boy

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B0002LOJQ8/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Madonna - American Pie

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B00004T1HB/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Khia - My Neck My Back

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B00006F2XA/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8



There. That should do. So, if you've got five minutes to spare and you fancy putting a good vote my way.. well, I imagine you'd go to Heaven for that.

That's it. I can quit begging now. Er, go about your business. Slam evil.