Review 96: Steel (VHS)

Unspeakably awful.

First of all, I apologise for reviewing a... gnnn, can't bring myself to even write it but.. must... a VHS version of this film. Ughh. Video - what WERE we thinking? But I have to - because Steel has never been released on DVD (I collect comic book movies and TV shows on DVD, so I had to buy a copy of this on DVD). And you know what? I would bet my entire Spider-Man collection that it'll never see the light on DVD either. Whoever owns the rights to this is probably keeping it quiet through sheer embarrassment.

Steel, then. Due to my collecting, I have seen some of the worst movies ever made - Batman and Robin. Popeye. Spawn. And now this, easily one of the very worst films of all time. Based on the DC comics character, the only mention of Superman (which this character originates from - Man Of Steel, geddit?) is from the tattoo on Shaquille O Neals arm. Which he already had in the first place.

It's never actually explained WHY Shaq makes an outfit in the first place. I mean, if he wanted to tackle crime he could have done it just fine on his own. He was a seven foot mammoth guy, brave, able to smash phone boxes and windows just by touching them, so why he felt the need to design a costume that made him look like he was dressing up as Robocop for Halloween is anyone's guess.

Ah yes - the costume. Let's talk about that for a minute. I can buy a lot of things in comic book movies (like the comics themselves, they need a certain degree of plausibility tolerance). A guy wants to dress up for no real reason to fight crime? Fair enough. Guy wants to dress in solid steel? (How does he move around?) Uh.. OK, usual level of DC rubbish I suppose. But the believability went right out the window when I saw the outfit. It might as well just have "PLASTIC" stamped all over it. It's PATHETIC. Quite easily the worst superhero costume of all time.

Special mention must go to Shaq's sidekick, Uncle Joe (there are black people in this film, you see. So we need the cackling, wisecracking uncle, the "mmmmm-hmmmmm!" aunt who fusses and cooks, the "don't be playa hatin'" jive talking nephew.. all your black stereotypes in one horrendous movie). Anyway, Uncle Joe is played by Richard Rowndtree, who played Shaft. Just in case you didn't know that, for some reason Uncle Joe is looking at Steels hammer and says "I particularly like the shaft" followed by a knowing silence. I think we're supposed to laugh, but it just sounds like old Uncle Joe was coming on to our hero.

Subtle humour isn't exactly this films strong point. Throughout the movie, there are numerous attempts from Steel to throw certain things into or through other things - and always misses. Ha ha ha ha, isn't that really funny, that a professional basketball player would be so bad at things like that? Stop me laughing by killing me.

There are absolutely no redeemable features in this movie. With a lot of comic book films, no matter how bad they are, I can always find one or two things to appreciate. With Man-Thing, they mentioned the Nexus Of Realities and Man-Thing himself looks pretty good. Supergirl - had at least a sense of continuity with the Superman films and, well, she looked pretty good in her costume too. With Steel? Nothing. Plot wrong, characters wrong, script TERRIBLE, acting atrocious, costume laughable.. Just another 7 foot nail in the comic book movie coffin.

I think I'll leave you with some sage advice from the movie, and an example of the writing quality that is present throughout.

"Eat the hotdog. Don't be one."

There's nothing I can say to top that.