Three strikes and out?

Question: Why do movie franchises all seem to bow out on the third one?

Think of some recent movies that have reached their second sequel: Mission Impossible III, Blade III, X-Men III, Matrix Revolutions, Spy Kids 3-D.. what do they all have in common? They're all the last part of their respective franchises. No big surprise there - and that's the problem. It's almost compulsory now for movies to end after the third movie. It's not a recent thing; think Back To The Future, Godfather, Die Hard, Naked Gun.. it's a long-standing tradition.

Now, Spider-Man 2 was barely out and people were talking Spidey 3 and how it would be "the last one". Pirates Of The Caribbean has been announced that it will be a three movie franchise.

I don't get it. Sure, with the likes of Lord Of The Rings they couldn't (and shouldn't) make any more (thank GOD for that, bloody awful movies) but surely if there's good writers and the same inventiveness, charm, laughs, action/whatever that was in the original movie then why not try and make a long running franchise?

Look at James Bond. 20 odd movies in and (odd duffer aside) there's been no dipping in that franchise's popularity. Harry Potter isn't exactly going to go straight to video with his fifth, sixth and seventh movie outing.

I guess I just hate to see things with promise end. When Spidey 3 comes out, if they're true to their word, then it will be a sad day indeed. Endless possibilities with characters as rich as Spidey and co shouldn't be confined to 6 hours of screen time. If the story is there, if the writers are there - then surely the show must go on?

I mean, imagine the limitless possibilities of:

Snakes on A Plane sequels>

Time Wasters, Please!

It's that time again...

Thought it's been a while since we had our usual crop of funny vids and links. And I have a themed bunch for you here. Wrestling related blunders. The joy of live TV, eh?

Here's one of Sid Vicious/Justice trying to sound both dangerous and intelligent, and failing in both. Watch Scott Hall (guy with stubble) burst out laughing in the ring.

Here's the late great Owen Hart messing up trying to sound snotty and hard. You can see he realised he made a mistake..

And finally, here's good ol' Mean Gene trying not to laugh during this rambling, rubbish promo. You can just hear him thinking "OH SHUT UP!" Superb!

OH HELL YES!

Forget every other movie.

I know technically this should go in the "I'm Watching You" segment, but this is cool enough and big enough to warrant its own thread.

Spider-Man 3 - the official teaser trailer. Not just a logo or a shot of the black suit, but it also shows you Sandman, Hobgoblin and the symbiote crawling up Peter..

Watch it once. Watch it again. Discuss. Watch it again.

Notice to other movies in 2007 - just don't even bother.

I'm Watching You...

Gather round, Boys and Girls! It's time for a NEW permanent segment!

If you look back at the last Fortress statement, you'll notice I said there's going to be more threads. Well, this is one of them. And you may well see it a lot.

"I'm Watching You", an opportunity to talk about what film's we've been watching, or what TV show we recommend or even what book you're loving just now (I know it doesn't really fit in with the name but come on - "I'm Reading You" doesn't work.)

So whenever you see that gruesome image above, you can get ready to talk about what you've been watching.

A minor etiquette request first (not a rule, obviously). If you're talking about a film or a TV show you've seen and you're going to talk about a plot twist or a character leaving or dying or couples getting together or splitting up or basically anything that massively affects the storyline of the thing you're watching, would you do The Fortress and it's other Dwellers a favour? Type this..

SPOILER

Before you start. Just give the people who haven't seen it and care not to know what happens ample opportunity to scroll down. It's a small thing, but can make such a big impact on other people. Hell, I gave up visiting a wrestling website because people simply refused to write "SPOILER" in their thread headings. So it would read.. "I don't believe it.." - click thread and, "So and so is the new WWE champ!" Unbearable.
So, "SPOILER" first, please. All I ask. Fair enough if you're just giving an overall opinion on a film or show, such as "last weeks Dr Who was one of the worst things I have ever seen", then there's no need for any such warnings. Ah, you guys have floated around the net long enough. You know the drill.

Anyway, I'll start the ball rolling on our very first IWY. Went to the cinema to see two movies last week. United 93 (not a lot to say about that one - tense, unsettling, realistic.. if a little opportunistic.. guess when the DVD is coming out?) and.. X-Men 3.

I'll say this - it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. After directors walking about and main stars leaving (Nightcrawler, we hardly knew ye) it would be easy to imagine this as one sequel too far. But no - it was good. Not great, by any stretch of the imagination, but certainly entertaining enough. There were a plethora of new mutants which was both a good and a bad thing. Good in that, when the DVD comes out, the nerds among us (your humble narrator included) can pause and rewind and work out who they're supposed to be (did anyone else spot Psyloke?) Bad - there was just too many people in there to be given any real screen time. Potential great characters were all but ignored. A decent plot and some nice set pieces, not to mention Ian McKellan acting every single person off the screen again and, well.. it could have been better but it could have been a lot worse. A nice 2 disc DVD will sit nicely next to the others, thank you very much.

SPOILERS

First things first - The Juggernaut. What. The. Christ.

I admit I did tense up a little in excitement when they said "Cain Marko" before opening up his cell and then.. oh good God. The first words out of this charismatic wrecking machine? "I need a pee." Not only did they screw the entire character up, but they also forgot the fact that he is

a) Xavier's half-brother
and
b) not actually a mutant.

So the cute little trick at the end wouldn't have worked. I mean, if he was a mutant, why would he be WEARING that stupid suit in the first place? And the line "I don't swim" was bullshit as well, because it's happened a LOT in the comics where Juggernaut simply jumps into the sea and walks across it.

You know, if this was written by people who didn't really know the source material then that's one thing. Wouldn't be the first time a comic book character has turned into an entirely different beast, but when you have writers so obviously clued up as to include the lineI'm the Juggernaut, Bitch! (I couldn't BELIEVE that!), referring to a little-known internet animation, not to mention having Storm and Callisto having their famous fight, yet they don't give due respect to one of the most popular of all the Marvel villains? That's just not right.

Grumbles aside, it was pretty decent. If anyone saw the end we all know Charles survived and Magneto's getting his powers back. It was a big box office success (and there's still the DVD to come) so there may well be an X-Men 4. Hey - let's hope.



There, quick and painless. The very first "I'm Watching You". Feel free to comment on X-Men 3, United 93 or hell, anything you want.

To anyone else that missed the point...

Oooh, I've been itching to tell you lot this for a few days now. I got THIS e-mail last week..

"hey hate monger. your shits cool. i hate faggots too."

Before I continue, I'll let you see the reply.

"Dear half-wit.

I don't know where to start. I was going to ask what part of my "shit" you found cool (and I really hope you didn't mean literally) but you know what? I don't care. I imagine you're writing regarding an Amazon review of which you must have absolutley missed the point. Even if you didn't read any of my Amazon stuff, you obviously missed the point when it comes to The Curmudgeon. Did you see the Irresponsible Hate Monger nickname and form some dickwad idea as to what I'm about?

Because guess what genius - you've totally read me wrong if you think I hate "faggots". I don't. And guess what else? I don't hate blacks, I don't hate asians, I don't hate transexuals. Yeah, I hate people, but its got nothing to do with what colour their skin is or who they happen to enjoy screwing. It's who they ARE that defines if I hate someone. If a black guy is a dick - The Curmudgeon hates him. If a gay guy has an ignorant music taste and a disregard for quality - The Curmudgeon hates him. Bottom line - if I meet someone stupid, crass and full of pointless juvenile insults aimed at those that don't deserve it - then I hate them.

Which means - ding ding ding - The Curmudgeon hates YOU. Never e-mail me again."

You know, dammit, he was doing SO well at the start. Anyone who starts an e-mail with "hey hate monger" (albeit with a sad lack of any capital letters) is A-OK with me. But then to come out with that... tut tut.

Now then, I'm not on some "love your fellow man" trip here. Hate is good. Hate is cool. Hate is warm, fuzzy and awesome - but only for the right reasons. Here on the internet, hate can actually be the most fair, un-racist thing. You see, it doesn't MATTER what colour you are or what you look like or what sexuality you are. On the internet the ONLY thing that people can judge you on (and mark my words, The Curmudgeon DOES judge) is what you say. So if you're polite, smart, funny or whatever, it will show and The Curmudgeon will like you. If, on the other hand, you're like our racist friend above, or you can't string a sentence together without using text speak or you slate bands or movies you don't know or whatever - then THAT is when The Curmudgeon rolls up his sleeves, takes you outside and boxes your ears.

Just had to get that off my chest, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for your time.

Official Fortress Announcement (yes, another one).

The Curmudgeon is back in business!

Ugh - poetry. You know, I do quite like the stuff sometimes, but having to a) rip poems apart and discuss every line and word sucks and b) writing one yourself is bloody awful.

But it's done - and three days before deadline too. And so I can officially open up these old doors for business once again. Hurrah.

But that's not all this announcement is for. I'm here to tell YOU, the loyal Dwellers, that things are going to CHANGE around here. And my friends - for the better.

For a start, expect a LOT more threads. In the past the threads have always been about these grand sort of topics. One off kind of "we are going to talk about THIS today", and whilst they'll still continue, I want to get a more relaxed "this is how I'm feeling today" kind of mood. Don't worry, I'm not going to start telling you the hilarious things my cat did or anything like that, but I want to give YOU more to read and YOU more to talk about. Of course, feel free to mail me with anything you want to add yadda yadda.

Also, I am going to do my best.... no, the hell with that, I PROMISE you that there WILL be more Dwellers here soon. We happy few are still here, Hacker, Ben and Wolfman (The Originals) and that is cooler than cool. But there will be more people coming in here. Can't promise they'll be on our side so to speak, but expect a lot more activity in The Fortress Of Solitude than you've been used to.

As a side-note, once things begin to pick up and there's more threads popping up, do PLEASE remember to click on some of the older threads, or give others a heads up in one of the more recent threads that you've added to one that's dropped from the radar. It's a pain in the ass I know, but otherwise valuable contributions will go un-noticed. And that just doesn't wash in The Fortress.

Anyway, enough waffle. Study time is OVER (for about five weeks anyway), and The Curmudgeon is BACK. And, so, hopefully, are you...

Official Message From The Fortress Of Solitude

Worry not, Dwellers - I'm still here.

Regular visitors to the Fortress Of Solitude may have noticed a dip in new threads. Am I finally giving in to the inevitable and closing the site? Have I lost interest due to there STILL being no new members? Have I ran out of things to talk about?

A resounding NO, accompanied by that odd farting sound from Family Fortunes can answer all those sacrilegious questions. The real answer is far more boring and, ugh, real life.

Thing is, I am studying literature right now, and I have an assignment due next week. I have to write a poem (a POEM! Me!) and an essay about what the poem is about and whatever and.. well, I really need to concentrate on that. Besides a few scribbled notes here and there, I've done precisely squat. So unless I want a big fail, whenever I sit at the computer, most of the time I really need to be concentrating on that. In fact, I'm postponing my quest to get into arcade games via the PC until this is done. Can you imagine your humble narrator with 4000 arcade games on the very computer he's supposed to be writing an assignment on? Exactly.

I'll still be popping in and maybe starting the odd new topic this week, but I may not. As always, if there's any topic you want to start you can mail me it (the_curmudgeon_hates_you@yahoo.co.uk) and I'll post it for you but other than that, it's going to be a quiet old 7 or 8 days in The Fortress.

Now then.. Iambic pentameter... oh Christ.

Let's talk about video games..

Or, rather, let's talk about arcade games.

It's been one of The Curmudgeon's long standing dreams to own an actual arcade machine. I spent so much of my youth in those bleak, dingy arcade halls feeding coins into the damn things it seems like, I dunno - closure. Whatever, I want to go back into the old-skool arcade mentality where bunches of fruit lying on the ground equals points, where the background moving equals a new level and where genuine, honest to goodness GAMEPLAY was the key.

See, I've bought one of those arcade compilation things for the PS2, and it's absolutley superb. True, a few are dated beyond enjoyment, but there's the likes of New Zealand Story and Rainbow Islands and, to quote La Mode - I just can't get enough.

So here it is - opinion time. How do I go about feeding my addiction? Do I buy more arcade compilations for the PS2 (and there's loads), do I download them for my PC, do I buy an actual arcade machine, or do I get one of those Jamma things and build it up myself (which should be.. interesting).

Tell me.

Women in popular culture.

Do they MEAN anything to you?

Not wishing to sound sexist to any female Dwellers out there (well, you never know..) but I've been thinking recently about women in movies, music and television and I've come to the conclusion that, eye-candy factor aside, they are basically worthless.

Hear me out - on television comedy - any women on TV make you laugh? I certainly can't think of any. In sitcoms its always the guys who get top laughs (Friends would be a perfect example of that). Over here in Britain, Catherine Tate is regarded as the funniest women, and she's as funny as feeling a lump in your nuts. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but I certainly can't think of any women figures in comedy worth bothering with.

Movies, next. Now, we all have our favourite movie stars, the ones who'll make us go out there and watch the film even before knowing what its about. And don't the movie makers know it - take the War Of The World's ad campaign - "Spielberg. Cruise. 2006." Or how about "no one gives Schwarzenegger a Raw Deal". There's also the cult actors that don't have the top draw but you still root for (mine are Bruce Campbell, Brad Dourif and Jeffrey Combs). Is there any female actors (people don't seem to say actresses anymore, do they?) out there that have the same effect? Except when it comes to being hot, of course, but that's a different story. You never hear people say "oh, man - Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft? That's awesome - she's such a great actress." But you DO hear the same for male actors.

I suppose women do have a better standing in music, with the likes of Courtney Love (if she ever gets her act together) and Madonna, but, pop bands and artists (who are always hot) aside, they don't dominate the industry, commercially and critically, like the guys do.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's a whole host of female talent out there that I'm ignoring or forgetting that are popular without using their sexuality (ever notice that in movies, guys can look cool but be ordinary looking? Think the Reservoir Dogs poster - no models in that, but iconic and superb looking. Would you ever see a group of ordinary, fat women together having the same appeal?) Maybe I'm being some sort of sexual Neanderthal - or maybe I'm addressing a situation that needs to be sorted out. Or maybe its the way it was, the way it is and the way it always will be.

Which is it, Dwellers?

Anyone else bored with CGI animation?

CGI Movies - enough already!

It was bound to happen; one CGI cartoon movie does well and then more follow. But even I was surprised that, after Toy Story 2, the cinema listings seemed to fill with more and more cartoon movies, all super slick animation and voiced by big name stars. I suppose we could think of it as "too much of a good thing", but really, after Toy Story 2 the animation may have improved, but the overall quality of the movies have been in steady decline.

Hasn't stopped them coming though - check this little (not definitive) list out..

Bugs Life, Robots, Chicken Little, Ice Age (and sequel), Finding Nemo, Madagascar, The Wild, Monsters Inc, Shrek (and sequel), The Incredibles, Polar Express, Antz, Over The Hedge, Shark Tale..

Scary, isn't it? And with the impending Cars and Shrek III (God help us), plus about ten more that I probably haven't heard of, it looks like this animated bubble is about to burst.

personally, I am pig sick of all of them. I can only see so many shiny wide-eyed cute talking animals, all spouting glib remarks and post-modern dialogue. I can only stomach so many sassy, streetwise, hip-hop speaking creatures. The charm and style that Toy Story had is long gone (look no further than Shark Tale and Madagascar for where we're at now. Ever wanted to hear a lion say "that is off the chiz-ain"? No - I didn't either).

This isn't a plea for a boycott of CGI movies. It's not even a plea to return to traditional 2-D animation (it certainly wouldn't hurt though - was The Iron Giant any less awesome because it wasn't done on computer, that it was actually, GASP, drawn by hand?). It's asking that these film makers stop churning out these features, that were once novel and with tight, razor sharp jokes and engaging, involving plots.

But they're continuing to make money, so that's not going to happen for a long time yet. A real shame.

Official Message From The Fortress Of Solitude

Can't get on the site? Don't blame me - this program is SHIT.

Anyone who has been trying to log on and post in the last couple of days may have experienced a few problems. By a few problems I mean a "foot through the monitor" type annoyance level of the damn site never loading up.

I don't know why it's doing it. I don't know when it'll get up and running back to normal. I only use this thing, I don't know anything about it. Rest assured it's totally pissing The Curmudgeon off no end.

So just in case you're coming in here and NOT logging on, only waiting for new entries or replies to messages you've left. I'm not ignoring you and I've not ran out of bile to put down in written form. It's just Blogger.com SUCKS.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Superman is returning...

And here's what is wrong with it already.

First things first - The Curmudgeon is not a doom-monger. By that I mean I don't slate things for the hell of it. In cases like comic book movie adaptations, I WANT them to be excellent. I'm going to be buying it, after all. So even though Superman Returns isn't even out yet and I'm already trashing it, don't think I'm like one of those white-foam-at-the-side-of-the-mouth dicks on other internet sites, ready to cry "worst.movie.ever" just for kicks.

Clear? Alright. Superman Returns, then. Could be awesome, could be awful. Granted, the trailer had me hooked (it can be found on this very site somewhere as well.. you'll have to go exploring to find it) but there's been a few things that have bothered me about this film as soon as details started to come out about it.

First of all - Superman himself. Sorry, but Brandon Routh just doesn't cut it for me. I've been seeing his mug everywhere I go recently; T-shirts, posters, magazines, Fathers Day cakes ("for a Superdad", no less - ugh) and he just doesn't convince as Supes. It's obviously just, ahem - a guy in a suit. He looks like someone who would appear on the front of a Superman Costume Playset. Maybe he'll dazzle and shine on the big screen but for now - that ain't Superman to me. "But he looks eerily like Christopher Reeve" I've heard over and over again, which leads me, funnily enough, to my next gripe.

What is the OBSESSION with both Christopher Reeve and the Superman movies? What is both the desire to mould Brandon into some Reeve clone AND keep the storyline from the Superman movies going? Are we SERIOUSLY supposed to be able to watch Superman, Superman II and then Superman Returns seamlessly? Never mind the fact that the actors are completely different (man, those years have been kind to Lois - pity poor Lex went bald though), but I guarantee the tone and style of the movies will be 100% different, not to mention the characters themselves. Do you really expect Kate Bosworth's Lois Lane to be the same as Margot Kidder's croaky voiced howler? And will they play the "comedy" music for Lex Luthor as they did for Gene Hackman's version? I somehow doubt it. But never mind - Brandon just looks EXACTLY like Christopher Reeve!

Newsflash One - The Superman movies weren't that great. In fact, they weren't even that GOOD. Part II was "leaps and bounds" over the first (which, basically, made NO sense) but it still wasn't the set in stone classic people make it out to be.

Newsflash Two - Christopher Reeve wasn't the first person to play Superman. The only reason there's this rabid passion to clone him for this movie is because he's dead.

Newsflash Three - Like I said in part two - there have been other Superman adaptations. Why not get ultimate influence from them? Why is no-one trying to make Brandon Routh look like Kirk Alyn from the 1940's movie serials? He's dead too, you know. Or how about George Reeves from the 50's? Dead as well - and in pretty gruesome fashion, to boot. Or fast forward and try and recreate Dean Cain's Superman. He's.. well, he's as good as dead. There is no reason to cling to the first two movies like this.

Anyway, moan over. Like I said, I want to LOVE this movie. I want it to do well and to create a string of sequels (although good luck finding villains for him to fight - DC villains are RUBBISH) and this is just picking faults that may not directly impact on the movie's quality.

See you at the cinema. With fingers crossed.

Excelsior!

The Mission gets a helping hand..

You know, I WAS going to put this in my Reasons To Be Cheerful, but this is so cool it deserves it's own thread.

Now then, for those that have never heard of The Curmudgeon's Mission, here's a quick heads-up. I'm a collector of live action comic book adaptations or superhero movies/TV shows/serials of ANY nature. If it's a guy in a costume fighting crime I am front row centre. So I started The Mission a little while back, and it's doing well so far. But it was always kind of a mystery just WHAT was out there, and the more stones I over-turned the more obscure titles kept popping up. It was hard to keep a definitive hit list of everything I needed to get.

Until now.

I came across this wonderful site purely by chance, and whilst it doesn't give you a direct place to BUY them, it tells you what it's about and what (if any) comic book inspired them. It even has the surreal foreign stuff.

Ever heard of the 1944 Captain America serial? Or the 1940's Batman serials? Or 3 Dev Adam, a Turkish movie where Captain America teams up with a wrestler to battle an evil Spider-Man? Neither had I, but it's just replaced "food" on my Essentials List. A lot of these things are never going to be released officially, so I have to go down the shady road of pirate copies for those. But hell, if they ever do get released (and somehow I can't see 3 Dev Adam appearing in stores anytime soon) then of course I'll buy that instead. But, needs must what The Mission commands.

Anyway, if YOU happen to come across any superhero DVD related stuff you think I should know about, you know where to tell me about it. Here's my DVD List right now to let you know how The Mission is going right now..

Just thought I'd show you this site, and let you know of my continuing mission, to boldly go and buy some of the worst things ever made.....

Reasons To Be Cheerful - June

Sorry it's late. Hey, I've been away.

It's that time again, Dwellers. Time when we list the three (sometimes little) things that are making June A-OK for us, or at least delaying opening our wrists.

1. I'm back from holiday! Now, normally you wouldn't think this would be something to be cheerful about. And as awesome as Florida was, I now have a LOT more of the best income in the world - disposable income. Not money to be stashed away for paying off the holiday or spending money - money to be spent on CD's, DVD's, nights out.. the things we all live for, right?

2. Spent some of that disposable income (in Florida, ironically enough) on this little beast. I'm not a "collector" by any stretch of the imagination. I do have a few comic book statues, and this is the latest..

3. Prince is my idol. As much as I love music, anything I buy or any band I see just don't compare to the sheer impact Prince music has had on me, from a mad-eyed teenager to a mad-eyed.. well, Curmudgeon. So when I heard on my Prince news board that he was in talks to appear on American Idol I was in the horrors. MY idol on THAT shit? I had nightmares of him singing Purple Rain along with some spikey haired idiot or hugging a gaggle of boyband wannabe dicks. But no, he didn't let me down. Yes, he appeared on it but he angered Simon Cowell by being, well, Prince. He didn't talk to ANY of the contestants, was a total no-show until the very last minute (the show was live), went on stage and sang two songs by himself - and then left. If The Man wants to appear on the most watched program in America and sing a few songs AND piss off the TV execs and Simon Cowell - I would say that is the very definition of Keeping It Real. I was all smiles when I heard that.

And that's June for The Curmudgeon. Anyone else?

Hello. I don't like football, therefore I am a social leper.

Oh good. It's THAT time again.

Before I start, I'll clear this up for the American Dwellers among us - I'm talking about British football, as in soccer. Although I suppose it's the same thing for what I'm about to bring up.

I don't like football. I don't hate it, I don't hate people who watch it - I just find it dull. I've watched a few matches in my time (The Wife likes it, for example) but I just can't get into it. 90 minutes of watching guys running around a field? No thanks. I can watch, and like to watch, some sports - boxing is all good, snooker is fine - hell, even darts is pretty good sometimes. (I won't mention wrestling, 'cos I know it's not a real sport per se.. still the best damn show on television, though).

So what's the big deal? Simple - being male, it seems to be a pre-requisite that I watch and adore football, and when I reveal that I don't it's as if I'm from another (possibly homosexual) planet. Here's an example from when I was getting my hair cut a few weeks back..

Barber: Watching the game tonight?
Me: Eh? Oh, no. I don't follow football.
Barber: Oh....... right.

END CONVERSATION.

And then..

Taxi Driver: Some result last night, eh?
Me: Oh, really?
Taxi Driver: Didn't you see it?
Me: No, I (sensing the inevitable) don't follow football.
Taxi Driver: Oh.. right.

END CONVERSATION.

And so it goes. The amount of times I've been asked What Team I Support, only for me to give the same tired response and then GET the same tired response is unbelievable. When I'm with a group of people and football comes up, I have to wait for the entire subject changes before I can even open my mouth.

And, of course, it's World Cup time, so EVERYONE is talking about fucking football. Magazines are talking about it, newspapers are talking about it, internet sites I usually frequent are talking about it, the TV schedules will soon be DOMINATED by it. It really is very depressing.

I've always said that anyone can talk about anything here, and so if anyone out there wishes to talk about how well Team A played against Team B then be my guest. Otherwise you can be guaranteed that football, soccer or whatever will never penetrate the walls of The Fortress Of Solitude.

Arcade Games - Now Officially Suck.

Game over, man!

The Curmudgeon remembers a time (not too long ago) when he would walk into one of those dim, smokey arcade halls with a pocketfull of money and come out, blinking into the sunlight, about an hour and a half later full of nervous, twitchy excitement after pumping coin into a number of games.

Nowadays? The Curmudgeon walks in, looks around and walks back out.

And why is that? Simple - the games The Curmudgeon used to play are long gone. Now, I'm not talking some purist jargon here about Galaga or Pacman (hey, I'm not that old). I'm talking about REAL arcade games - games that, if you were good at them, you could spend a solid half hour or more working up a sweat playing them. Games like Streetfighter II, Mortal Kombat, Final Fight, Metal Slug, WWF Wrestlefest - big flashy graphics sure, but they packed in depth, character and (admittedly basic) plot that kept you playing and, more importantly, talking during the bus ride home.

You don't see games like that anymore. Nowadays it's these novelty mini-ride things that dominate the space allocated in arcade halls. You always got the odd one here and there (the "Hang On" bike, for example) but nowadays these things are the norm; I walked into an arcade recently and saw a giant pair of ski's, one of those stupid dance mat things and several other large "£ a throw" abominations, where you put your money in, play for about a minute and then you're done. Where's the fun in that?

The days of the classic coin-op are long gone, replaced by dull, soul-less gimmick rides for "the family" to enjoy. Today's generation are missing out on some awesome money-wasting. For shame.

The Curmudgeon's Guide To: Surviving Rain.

FINALLY - The Curmudgeon tells YOU what to do.

First things first - I LIKE being a guy. Girls have so much extra shit to worry about; obvious things like periods and getting pregnant of course, but then there's the whole "be thin - forever, because the media demands it of you" attitude that haunts them everyday, and guys don't have to worry about stuff like that. Take Jack Nicholson - pretty portly, balding, old - but he's still seen as a sex symbol. How many near 70 women can you say THAT about?

Now, I'm not an overly "macho" kind of guy, but while I was on holiday I witnessed a scene that made me ashamed of my very sex. Men running in panic. Men afraid. Men cowering in shops. And why?

Because it was RAINING.

Now, granted, this wasn't your everyday drizzle - this was an honest to goodness hardcore downpour. I live in Britain, and we get more than our fair share of bad weather, but this was the worst rain I had ever seen in my life. Americans do everything bigger and better? Well add the weather to that list too.

So I'm at Disneyland. Weather is awesome, everyone is kitted out in shorts and T-shirts. Come 4 o'clock it starts to get cloudy. Come 5 o'clock it starts to rain. Come 6 o'clock and the Heavens have opened up and God was taking the kind of piss that only 12 pints of lager the night before can generate. This was a grade A bowlfiller.

This could happen to YOU. So here's a cut out and keep Curmudgeonly way to survive the rain, regardless of what you are wearing (expensive suits notwithstanding).

1. Don't run. Look up, tut, and continue as normal. Obviously don't continue as normal if it's the kind of rain I was talking about earlier, otherwise you'd look like a lunatic. But DO continue to walk, calmly and with grace, to your desired position.

2. Don't hold any magazines or books or paper bags over your head. It has NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER and you look like a dick.

3. Never, under any circumstances, use an umbrella. It does have an effect, but you still look like a dick. The only man that can get away with using an umbrella is The Penguin.

4. Don't panic. It's only rain. Yeah, you'll get wet but unless you're descended from the Wicked Witch Of The West - you'll get over it. It won't burn you, it won't get you pregnant. I watched in DISGUST as a grown man stood in a doorway of a shop that the girl had to close because of the storm, SCREAMING at her to let him in. "Can't you be reasonable for once?" He bleated, "can't you not follow the rules just this once?" I walked away hoping she would ask back, "can't you just grow a penis?"

Of course, these rules don't apply to girls. Girls can run and scream and hide and that's perfectly fine. It sometimes even looks cute. But we're GUYS, dammit. And even though I don't go in for that chest beating crap, hell - we should at least attempt to look and act like a spot of water falling from the sky isn't enough for us to fill our shorts with.

So there you have it. Simple rules maybe, but, as I witnessed, they NEED to be addressed. Curmudgeon Life Guides - learn them, live by them. You won't get any girls or money, but you'll get a disproportionate sense of self-worth. And that's always a good thing to have.

The Curmudgeon has returned!

Well, Dwellers, you can all celebrate now - The Curmudgeon has returned from Florida. I hope you all missed me because, hey, I missed YOU.

Anyway, SUPERB holiday that it was (14 straight days at theme parks - what's that old saying about needing a holiday from your holiday?), the above image kinda represents the sinister domination that ol' Mickey has on Florida. Seriously, he's everywhere. And as much as it's a "world of make believe" etc etc, hasn't anyone thought to mention that all Disney cartoons are shit? Just a thought.

Besides all that, if you've never been to Florida - GO. Seriously, if you like rides and acts and rollercoasters there is no better place on earth than Florida. Universal Studio's (Marvel World Of Adventure has to be seen to be believed), Busch Garden's, the Disney parks.. honestly, words don't do it justice. The time and effort they go into making you forget you're actually on a ride is incredible (the Spider-Man 3D ride has a waiting line inside a mock journalist office, with computer screens with mugshots of super villains - and that's just a basic example).

Highlights?

Terminator 3-D: After a superb tongue in cheek "promo" video from Skynet, we get a overly cheery Skynet "rep" to guide us into our seats ("mind the doors.. we wouldn't want anyone to get squished!") and then it's a mind-blowing merge of 3-D movie (with the four main players of T2) and live action (Arnie rides his bike on screen and then bursts onto the stage with a lookalike miming the rest of the words). With about 15 minutes of new footage, it's about ten times better than T3.

Hulk Rollercoaster: The rollercoaster itself is pant-wetting; twists and turns and drops and loops and a jet propelled start, the waiting line is a giant lab with huge video's created for the ride, with an animated Bruce Banner talking to the crowd and showing his origin etc (and a neat run through of various villains).

Doctor Doom: Doomfall - How to describe this? You sit in a big chair. It shoots you straight into the air, from inside the building to towering over the entire park outside - and then it drops you again. Again, the wait is awesome. You walk into building hearing "welcome to Latveria" and then giant video's show especially made cartoons of Doom ranting about the FF, as well as some Latveria propoganda. Oh, and the staff are comically unpleasant. "When the ride comes to a complete stop, gather your belongings and GET OUT."

The Mummy: A brilliantly frightening roller coaster in the dark, with 3-D visuals popping out at you and sending you hurtling backwards into darkness. Comes with token funny bits from Brendan Fraser. Brilliant.


That's just a few, 'cos I don't wanna go on for hours. There's countless rollercoasters, spot-on shows and countless characters walking around waiting for you to take your picture with them. It's funny, the cynical mind goes from thinking "it's a guy in a suit" to "holy crap - it's Scooby Doo!!"

Every "3-D" ride has added effects - in Shrek, when Donkey sneezes, you feel a slight burst of water on your face. When Stitch burps, you smell pizza. Every licensed ride has the main stars adding voice overs or appearing in the films and waiting line video's. No expense is spared, and if you go at the right time, the queue lengths aren't bad either.

If you've never been - you owe it to yourself to rectify that.


Anyway, enough holiday talk. The Fortress Doors are well and truly open again, boys and girls.. the best is yet to come!