The Curmudgeon's Guide To: Surviving Rain.

FINALLY - The Curmudgeon tells YOU what to do.

First things first - I LIKE being a guy. Girls have so much extra shit to worry about; obvious things like periods and getting pregnant of course, but then there's the whole "be thin - forever, because the media demands it of you" attitude that haunts them everyday, and guys don't have to worry about stuff like that. Take Jack Nicholson - pretty portly, balding, old - but he's still seen as a sex symbol. How many near 70 women can you say THAT about?

Now, I'm not an overly "macho" kind of guy, but while I was on holiday I witnessed a scene that made me ashamed of my very sex. Men running in panic. Men afraid. Men cowering in shops. And why?

Because it was RAINING.

Now, granted, this wasn't your everyday drizzle - this was an honest to goodness hardcore downpour. I live in Britain, and we get more than our fair share of bad weather, but this was the worst rain I had ever seen in my life. Americans do everything bigger and better? Well add the weather to that list too.

So I'm at Disneyland. Weather is awesome, everyone is kitted out in shorts and T-shirts. Come 4 o'clock it starts to get cloudy. Come 5 o'clock it starts to rain. Come 6 o'clock and the Heavens have opened up and God was taking the kind of piss that only 12 pints of lager the night before can generate. This was a grade A bowlfiller.

This could happen to YOU. So here's a cut out and keep Curmudgeonly way to survive the rain, regardless of what you are wearing (expensive suits notwithstanding).

1. Don't run. Look up, tut, and continue as normal. Obviously don't continue as normal if it's the kind of rain I was talking about earlier, otherwise you'd look like a lunatic. But DO continue to walk, calmly and with grace, to your desired position.

2. Don't hold any magazines or books or paper bags over your head. It has NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER and you look like a dick.

3. Never, under any circumstances, use an umbrella. It does have an effect, but you still look like a dick. The only man that can get away with using an umbrella is The Penguin.

4. Don't panic. It's only rain. Yeah, you'll get wet but unless you're descended from the Wicked Witch Of The West - you'll get over it. It won't burn you, it won't get you pregnant. I watched in DISGUST as a grown man stood in a doorway of a shop that the girl had to close because of the storm, SCREAMING at her to let him in. "Can't you be reasonable for once?" He bleated, "can't you not follow the rules just this once?" I walked away hoping she would ask back, "can't you just grow a penis?"

Of course, these rules don't apply to girls. Girls can run and scream and hide and that's perfectly fine. It sometimes even looks cute. But we're GUYS, dammit. And even though I don't go in for that chest beating crap, hell - we should at least attempt to look and act like a spot of water falling from the sky isn't enough for us to fill our shorts with.

So there you have it. Simple rules maybe, but, as I witnessed, they NEED to be addressed. Curmudgeon Life Guides - learn them, live by them. You won't get any girls or money, but you'll get a disproportionate sense of self-worth. And that's always a good thing to have.