Review 100: Keith N Shane - Girl You Know Its True

Career suicide put to music.


Sometimes there comes along a record that is SO bad, so absolutely toe-curlingly AWFUL that everyone pounces on it and rips it to shreds. Magazines, newspapers, critics.. this is one of those rare records. It genuinely is one of the worst things ever recorded.

Where to begin? OK - I'll tell you who these two idiots are. Fresh from ultra crap boyband Boyzone splitting up, the two anonymous gimps that didn't do anything outrageous (like sing) teamed up, and what do you think they came up with? A sugary pop ballad? Nope. A cover of a pop classic? Well.... kind of.

Most wouldn't consider pop fakers Milli Vanilli's "Girl You Know It's True" a classic as such. It's no Billie Jean or Purple Rain, but these two covered it because, get this - Milli Vanilli didn't sing, and everyone thinks that THEY didn't sing in Boyzone either. Ha ha ha. Awesome, eh? Except they didn't - it was all Ronan Keating or Stephen Gately, Keith and Shane just hung around in the background waiting for someone to yell "cut". So much for THAT idea.

And so much for the song. Instead of a by the numbers cover, Keith and Shane instead opted to go all GANGSTA on our asses, with a knuckle chewing, "stop it my ears are on fire" rap. Check out these lyrics, yo..

"Well you've tried the rest now here's the best, cos the KS, yes, we're gonna fly the nest."

Not going to give Eminem any sleepless nights, Keith and Shane, the two most UN-hip hop names in existence, were now K&S. They also mocked other boybands like Westlife ("Lowlife, go and get your own life" - ziiiing!) and Five ("when the lights go out Five better watch out!" - ziiiiiing, again!) and then, for absolutely no reason, told us that "Ali G comes before H". Ziii.. uh?

It was an absolute ABOMONATION. Honestly, of the 100 things I've reviewed here, this is quite easily the most mis-guided, pitiful and downright diabolical entry. An example of egos ran wild, of having number one singles put in their lap and mistaking it for talent and having something to say. Of course it wasn't, and this single went down in history as the worst career move ever. K&S were quickly shelved and the two were never seen again. Thank God for that, at least.

So that's that, then. 100 reviews, 95 of the worst things ever. I'm going to find it tough to beat this one, so I may lay low after the next five reviews. But what will they be? Well, when you trudge through the depths of Hell, there's only one way to go - and that's up, up, up! That's right, another five things I actually LIKE coming up next. And believe it or not, Boyzone won't be included.

Review 99: Dungeons and Dragons

Dung and a drag.

OK, first things first true believers - The Curmudgeon is NOT a D&D fan. I've nothing against it or anything (I don't think it's nerdy or whatever), it's just never been my bag. But I was VERY excited when I saw this movie was being released. Why?

Simple - the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, which was by far the coolest cartoon of the 1980's. It smoked He-Man, Thundercats and any other contender and became one of THE best experiences of childhood. So while a movie based on the board game would have been cool, I was secretly hoping for a movie based on the cartoon. Come on - Hank and his flaming bow and arrow? Sarcastic Eric and his shield (you'd think the Dungeon Master would have thrown a SWORD in there too?), Bobby the Barbarian.. and let's not forget the uber bad-ass - Vengar himself. Let's face it folks - done right, it would have been AWESOME.

But we didn't get that - we got, well.. who knows? The plot is so incoherent and amateurish it could have been based on a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo's. And whilst great acting is never the prime goal in these sorts of movies, special mention MUST go to the utter lack of any conviction the actors here have in their performances, coming across as just stepping out of a Snow White pantomime.

And then there's Jeremy Irons. Bit of a superb actor is our Jeremy, and I'm sure he thought at first he had signed up to a classy fantasy movie, thinking perhaps of Sir Alec Guiness in Star Wars. Then he read the script and saw the talentless monkeys he was working with and went full out into giving the worst performance of his entire career, not so much saying his lines as yelling them and spitting at the camera in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. Easily the best thing of the movie.

The producers obviously thought it was going to do well judging by its laughably hopeful ambiguous ending. Not a chance in hell, guys. You had your chance and you blew it with this dragon turd of a film.

Stick with the boxset of the cartoon, and see how fantasy really SHOULD be presented.

Review 98: Alanis Morissette - Jagged Little Pill Acoustic

No new ideas - the album!

Well, if this isn't the laziest, most cynical excuse for a record I've ever seen. It's been a mammoth 10 years since "Jagged Little Pill" came out, and Alanis, sensing herself that's she's done absolutely nothing else of note, save for releasing a few other whiney albums, decides to give everyone all they've ever wanted from her - yet more Jagged Little Pill.

So we have the EXACT same album, track listing - but acoustic. Wow, thanks for that. Perfect for all those girls who bought the first album, you know, the ones that don't really LIKE music (not in a mad way, to buy more than one album a year or anything stupid like that). So in case the original album was a bit too edgy for you, a bit too extreme and hardcore, with a few loud guitars and stuff - this is the one for you. The same album but with the sound of a woman who has absolutely given up on music and making something new, content to sing the same songs and rest on her laurels forever. Isn't that all her fans want of her in the first place?

It's a depressing album, it really is. No vision or passion or inventiveness - the hits, from the only album she's made that mattered. A pointless record from a dead in the water woman. Where would the music business be if all artists pulled this stunt? Madonna would still be Like A Virgin. Michael Jackson would still be dancing with corpses instead of sleeping with children. Prince would still be wanting to party like its 1999. Those are REAL artists, not glorified one trick ponies.

And you'd think, ten years on, she would have found examples of irony that actually were, you know, ironic. Dontcha think?

Review 97: Electric Six - Radio Ga Ga

The joke wears thin.

I must admit to having a soft spot for Electric Six. Their style of comedy rock has more edge and genuine wit than the crop of gurning "hey, we're dorks, duuude" idiots that usually are associated with the genre, and their "Fire" album was full of infectious gems. And they gave us two of the best singles in the last decade, "Danger: High Voltage" and "Gay Bar". I've seen them live too, and they were a blast.

But this is the sound of a joke that isn't funny anymore, and a band who really have ran out of ideas and hits. I never cared for Radio Ga Ga the first time around, I still think it's one of Queen's weakest songs, and this banal cover does nothing to further the cause.

The video is often misinterpreted by knee-jerk reactionary idiots who think Dick Valentine is dancing on Freddie's grave, when he clearly isn't. That isn't my concern here. It just shows a band that have resorted to covering a famous song and hoping wearing a pair of comedy teeth will let them get away with it.

No chance. The single still stiffed in Britain, and they haven't been seen since. I really hope it's NOT the last we see of E6, because they do have their moments. But they need a total overhaul before they would ever be considered a genuine band.

The last batch of reviews I've done have been fun, poking fun at rubbish things. This is different; it's awful, don't get me wrong, but it's no fun telling you about it. But hey, The Curmudgeon tells it like it is. Sigh.

Review 96: Steel (VHS)

Unspeakably awful.

First of all, I apologise for reviewing a... gnnn, can't bring myself to even write it but.. must... a VHS version of this film. Ughh. Video - what WERE we thinking? But I have to - because Steel has never been released on DVD (I collect comic book movies and TV shows on DVD, so I had to buy a copy of this on DVD). And you know what? I would bet my entire Spider-Man collection that it'll never see the light on DVD either. Whoever owns the rights to this is probably keeping it quiet through sheer embarrassment.

Steel, then. Due to my collecting, I have seen some of the worst movies ever made - Batman and Robin. Popeye. Spawn. And now this, easily one of the very worst films of all time. Based on the DC comics character, the only mention of Superman (which this character originates from - Man Of Steel, geddit?) is from the tattoo on Shaquille O Neals arm. Which he already had in the first place.

It's never actually explained WHY Shaq makes an outfit in the first place. I mean, if he wanted to tackle crime he could have done it just fine on his own. He was a seven foot mammoth guy, brave, able to smash phone boxes and windows just by touching them, so why he felt the need to design a costume that made him look like he was dressing up as Robocop for Halloween is anyone's guess.

Ah yes - the costume. Let's talk about that for a minute. I can buy a lot of things in comic book movies (like the comics themselves, they need a certain degree of plausibility tolerance). A guy wants to dress up for no real reason to fight crime? Fair enough. Guy wants to dress in solid steel? (How does he move around?) Uh.. OK, usual level of DC rubbish I suppose. But the believability went right out the window when I saw the outfit. It might as well just have "PLASTIC" stamped all over it. It's PATHETIC. Quite easily the worst superhero costume of all time.

Special mention must go to Shaq's sidekick, Uncle Joe (there are black people in this film, you see. So we need the cackling, wisecracking uncle, the "mmmmm-hmmmmm!" aunt who fusses and cooks, the "don't be playa hatin'" jive talking nephew.. all your black stereotypes in one horrendous movie). Anyway, Uncle Joe is played by Richard Rowndtree, who played Shaft. Just in case you didn't know that, for some reason Uncle Joe is looking at Steels hammer and says "I particularly like the shaft" followed by a knowing silence. I think we're supposed to laugh, but it just sounds like old Uncle Joe was coming on to our hero.

Subtle humour isn't exactly this films strong point. Throughout the movie, there are numerous attempts from Steel to throw certain things into or through other things - and always misses. Ha ha ha ha, isn't that really funny, that a professional basketball player would be so bad at things like that? Stop me laughing by killing me.

There are absolutely no redeemable features in this movie. With a lot of comic book films, no matter how bad they are, I can always find one or two things to appreciate. With Man-Thing, they mentioned the Nexus Of Realities and Man-Thing himself looks pretty good. Supergirl - had at least a sense of continuity with the Superman films and, well, she looked pretty good in her costume too. With Steel? Nothing. Plot wrong, characters wrong, script TERRIBLE, acting atrocious, costume laughable.. Just another 7 foot nail in the comic book movie coffin.

I think I'll leave you with some sage advice from the movie, and an example of the writing quality that is present throughout.

"Eat the hotdog. Don't be one."

There's nothing I can say to top that.

The Curmudgeon hates to beg, but..

Brother, can you spare a vote?

Here's a fact - The Curmudgeon sets out to be hated at times. Now, in The Fortress I'm a different cat to what you would see on other websites. Here it's MY place, where I talk to the very best the net has to offer (trust me - after trawling the horrors of Myspace etc and all the text-speak morons, the dead-eyed "gangsta's" and the generally thick and ignorant - this site, with clever, funny and interesting Dwellers - is like paradise) and The Curmudgeon is a far calmer, far more pleasant personality. On other sites, however - I tend to shoot my mouth off and end up being loathed and despised and end up pretty much ruining the discussion board or whatever it is I'm on. "Internet cancer", if you will.

Amazon.com is one of those sites. Now, I don't know how you stumbled upon the welcoming doors of The Fortress, but odds are some of you will have read the site address on one of my Amazon reviews (I don't pimp the site on THAT many places, you know), and you may well have read them when I put them on here, so you'll notice that I do my very best to offend the fans of whatever garbage I'm reviewing, where I basically insult the product and the sort of people who would buy it.

This led to me getting a barrage of hate mail, but it also led me to accept I was never going to be in the "Top Reviewer" ranks in Amazon, as I anticipated scores of negative votes.

And yet..

Someone out there must like me, because, whilst I have pulled in loads of negative votes, there's been a hell of a lot of positives as well, meaning I kept moving up the ladder, from reviewer rank 640,660 to my current position of 7,726.

So now, you know what? Now I DO care about my ranking. Hell, it'd be different if I was plummeted straight to the bottom, but now I'm actually in the top 10,000 I'm up for what The Curmudgeon does best - cheating.

And, loyal Dwellers - here's where YOU can help The Curmudgeon do that. If you have an Amazon account and can give out positive votes, well then.. I would like YOU to rate my review on the following items. Now, see, this is where it gets tricky - I can't just give you a direct link to my review, because then you can't vote on it. And reviews with 100% positive scores help my rating considerably, so I'm gonna give you links to items I've reviewed that have either no ratings or a few. Confused? Don't be. Just go to..

All New Laurel and Hardy - For Love or Mummy

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B00007K01P/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Eminem - Mockingbird

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B0009E3CFC/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Will Young - Light My Fire

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B000067DRB/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Keith N Shane - Girl You Know Its True

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B000055YEF/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Bo Selecta - Soda Pop/I've Got You Babe

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B0006L5RYC/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Jennifer Ellison - Bye Bye Boy

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B0002LOJQ8/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Madonna - American Pie

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B00004T1HB/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8

Khia - My Neck My Back

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product//B00006F2XA/ref=cm_aya_asin.title/103-6880304-6747834?ie=UTF8



There. That should do. So, if you've got five minutes to spare and you fancy putting a good vote my way.. well, I imagine you'd go to Heaven for that.

That's it. I can quit begging now. Er, go about your business. Slam evil.

Do you need to "grow up?"

Time to get on the defensive...

I saw "The 40 Year Old Virgin" yesterday, and whilst it was a good, funny movie, there was an underlying moral in it that just stuck in the back of my throat.

*SPOILER WARNING*

So - the lead character is a loser. A nerd. A virgin. And so, of course - he reads comic books, plays videogames and collects "action figures."

Now, that stereotype I can handle - it's an old one, but whatever. What REALLY pissed me off was the end, where he agrees to SELL all his beloved stuff to start a business. When he tells his girlfriend how he really feels, that he DOESN'T want to sell all his stuff - I was almost dancing a jig. Yet, come the end, it turns out he DOES sell it all to pay for his wedding. The message here folks? He doesn't need all that kiddie shit - because our main character has GROWN UP.

Fuck. That.

Is anyone else sick of people thinking you're a) retarded or b) childish for liking what is seen as "kids stuff?" I know from past conversations with you Dwellers that we're all, in some capacity, into comic books, video games and the like - and yet we're all, as far as I'm aware, not sad, demented losers or childish idiots.

I don't know about you, but the way The Curmudgeon is now is the way The Curmudgeon is always gonna be. Advancing years aren't gonna stop me liking what I like and how I enjoy spending my spare time. Does this mean I'm a "Big Kid?" No - because the things I like aren't childish. They only appear that way to people who don't know any better.

I hate this notion that as soon as we pass 18 we're supposed to suddenly become interested in the stock market and our idea of "kicking back" is watching The Game (and I don't mean the wrestler - that's FAR too childish an idea, apparantly) on a Sunday after walking the dog and doing the shopping.

You know, I can do the grown-up thing. The job, the paying rent, the being married, the (one day) kid thing - but I'm not about to give up what I enjoy doing simply because my age somehow dictates it.

Loyal Dwellers - who's with me?

The Next Gen Consoles..

Is anyone interested?

With The Worst Day Of The Year just a few months away (and oh-ho, will there ever be a thread about THAT), everyone is salivating over the new consoles that they want to find in their stocking. The PS3 is out of the running, of course, but the X-Box 360 and the Nintendo Wii...

Sigh, I can't do it. I can't fake interest in them anymore. I mean - haven't we reached a point when all we're doing with the games nowadays is making them look a tiny bit better?

With every next gen console there was a sense of genuine progression. From the 90's consoles of the Snes and Megadrive (or whatever else you foreigners called them) they evolved into the Saturn and the Playstation, and the difference was immense. Next up was the PS2, Dreamcast and N64 and, again - a leap forward, although obviously not the gargantuan one from the 16 Bit to the 32 Bit.

And now what? Really though, what else can be done with these games? When you look at the release schedule of some of them it's depressing - all sequels or remakes. The difference being? Nicer graphics. "Generic Driving Crap IV - now when it rains in the game, the water looks, like.. real."

I'm not going to bang on about playability and all that, because we've been there. But really - there's nothing happening in the gaming world that even slightly interests me, never mind question whether I'm going to upgrade from my PS2. And that is a fairly depressing development.

Anyone else feel like this? Am I missing something, or are these Next Gen consoles more faceless and charmless than ever before?

Invisible Wolfman was right!

DON'T buy the new Star Wars DVD's!

You know, I was just going to put this at the end of Wolfman's original thread but I decided not to on the following four reasons.

1. It's a rare thing indeed - The Curmudgeon was wr.. wro.. ugh, I can't bring myself to even type it. Let's just say The Curmudgeon didn't know all the facts before commenting on the situation.
2. It's Star Wars, one of the things that, let's face it, helped shape The Fortress and its Dwellers into who they are today.
3. If Wolfman's thread got any bigger, it would start to eat up the universe.
4. It's my site, dammit!

So - Wolfman was right. Ladies and gentlemen - DO NOT BUY the new issue Star Wars DVD's. I know I kept bleating on about how they were FINALLY the original, classic versions we've all been waiting for and that they were all getting two disc releases.

And they are. BUT - check out THIS monumental slap in the face. For a TWO DISC set, do you know what extra's you get?

A commentary, from the DVD that came out before. And a trailer - for Star Wars Lego.

And that, friends - is your lot.

The Human Beard is just like a spoiled kid. "Oh, you don't want MY version? Well here - take your stupid old version, but don't expect any extra's with it." What a dick.

So, again - what Wolfman said. Wait. I know we've all waited long enough, but let's wait a bit longer, because come 2007 and the 30 year anniversay - THAT's when the good stuff will appear.

Invisible Wolfman - a superb thread and bang on the money to boot. My hat goes off to you.

Tattoo You?

So - anyone Got Ink?

Tattoo's, then. Apparantly they say a lot about a person, and that much I agree with - in most cases. I mean, if you're going to get something permanantly marked onto your skin, you'd think they would at least have some meaning to who you are and why you want it on your body.

Yet I know a guy who got a giant WIZARD put on his arm, from the top of the shoulder right to the elbow. "Why?" You ask. The answer to that was a shrug, followed by "Looked cool." We call that person an Idiot.

As for The Curmudgeon - I always said I was only ever going to get one tattoo (especially after the first one hurt so bad..). I got the Prince symbol on my left arm - Prince being my all time favourite musician and my all-time hero, and then a few years later I decided to get the "danger" sign (you know, the one on electrical pylons and things - or indeed, the one on Marilyn Manson CD's) between my shoulder blades (because I'm, uh, dangerous, see?) and hoooooo boy - did THAT one hurt. The guy doing it laughed and said "I've seen a lot of expressions in my time - but I've never seen THAT one before".

So anyway - how about you Fortress Dwellers? Any permanant, deliberate disfigurment you're no doubt going to regret?

You're nobody until someone kills you.

First of all, this isn't a snide comment or nasty thread aimed at Steve Irwin, he's just another in a long line of people this has happened to. You know what? It absolutely SUCKS that Steve is dead. I wasn't a huge fan or anything, but he was a warm, enthusiastic, genuinely likeable television personality with bags of natural charisma and a passion and dedication to his work. When you consider some of the hateful people on television these days, the fact Steve is no longer with us just isn't fair.

There was an old letter in satirical adult comic Viz a few years back, which went along the lines of:

"I like when famous movie stars die, because then they repeat all their films on television. I hope Clint Eastwood dies soon. He's my favourite."

And that's sort of the same thing that's happening here, indeed, happens every time someone famous dies. People are suddenly falling over themselves to talk about how much they actually LOVED them.

Take Johnny Cash. Been around for decades, snuffs it, and suddenly you can't move for all these trendy hypocrites saying what an "influence" he was, when they wouldn't have played a Johnny Cash record for a bet the year before.

And it's the same story with Steve Irwin. Having a sneaky hunch, I typed his name into Play.com. Check it out..

Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter: His Most Dangerous Adventures - Sold out.
Steve Irwin's Wildest Animal Encounters - Vol. 2 - Sold out.
Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter - Sold out.
Steve Irwin - Crocodile Hunter (Book) - Sold out.

Would ANY of these items have been sold out last week? Would ANYONE have suddenly had the major urge to buy The Crocodile Hunter? No - but now because the poor guy is dead, suddenly the world must own a piece of him. It's like when a famous Scottish comedian died a few years ago (Rikki Fulton), his videos, which were gathering dust for years, were now suddenly selling for more than £20 on ebay. What, because he's dead he's funnier now or something?

Like I said, I'm no huge Steve Irwin fan. I hate the fact he died, but I'm not going to rush out and buy everything he ever did just because he's dead. Same with Johnny Cash.

Moral of the story - appreciate who you wish, for whatever reason. Don't buy into media overkill and fake sentiment (Steve Irwin was, oh man, "The Australian Diana"). It's not what you want and it sure wouldn't be what they would have wanted.

Review 95: Popeye DVD

Ug-ug-ug-ug.... ugh.

You may know this about The Curmudgeon if you've read any more of my reviews (which I'm sure you have), but I'm a Comic Book Movie collector. I get everything, from the latest blockbuster to the obscure flops to the 1950's cinema serials (which means having to buy copies from ebay... hey, it's the only way to get them). So whilst this means having to watch some brilliant films and television, it also means having to watch some right bunk. I'm talking Tank Girl. I'm talking Catwoman. I'm talking Superman IV.

And guess where this is heading? Yup - I'm talking Popeye.

Praise where praise is due first - it looks awesome. Sweethaven is perfect, from the rickety shacks to the look of the characters themselves - if it were based on looks alone, Popeye would be a five star classic.

Now, the decision to make this a musical was something that never really bothered me; the old Fleischer cartoons were so musical in spirit and tone that it kinda makes sense. But here's one of Popeye's major faults - the songs are AWFUL. Not just bad or unmemorable.. not every musical has to be Wizard Of Oz, but they are brutal to listen to. Olive Oyl's "but he's laaaaaaarrrrge" song makes me want to hurl kittens at cars. Even talking about it now makes me have violent urges, so we'd best stop there. But someone somewhere in creative control really should have LISTENED to these songs (which are littered all the way through the film) and realised how abysmal and unlikable they were. But, alas, they didn't, so we have a musical with the ability to create mass murderers.

Next up is Popeye himself. Now, he may LOOK the part, but there's just something about watching Robin Williams here that is fairly unnerving - Williams doesn't look at all comfortable in the role. Popeye is supposed to be shy, we get that, but never once does Williams convince as Popeye - we're only ever reminded that its Robin Williams dressed up as Popeye, and looking rather embarrassed about it.

As for the other characters? Well, Wimpy is rubbish, Olive Oyl is as annoying as she should be (Shelly Duvall just has that "punchable" quality. Was I the only one cheering on Jack Nicholson in The Shining?) but Bluto is BORING, which is just unacceptable. Who can forget the cackling loudmouth from the cartoons, full of menacing quips and vindictive glee? Here he glowers and looks big. And, uh, that's it.

For a movie aimed at kids, taken from old Segar comicstrips and Fleischer cartoons that were, and here's a good word - F-U-N. The spinach eating finale (Popeye hates spinach in this - whu?!) aside, its very probable kids will be bored out of their minds watching this. A dull, navel gazing Popeye, a mono-syllabic Bluto, no Goons, terrible songs..

Sounds like a one star movie to me, folks. At least they didn't attempt Popeye And Son.....

Review 94: Atomic Kitten - Greatest Hits

Chart cancer.

Admit it - you grinned like a loon when you heard this diabolical trio went their separate ways. I know I did, because it didn't seem that a week went by when yet another asinine, chirpy slice of pop cheese or God-awful ballad by these three non-entities was stinking up the charts.

I know what you're thinking, though. "Ah, but Curmudgeon - what happens when a rubbish pop band splits? Lots of equally rubbish SOLO projects." And you'd be right. So before we rip apart this (s)hit collection, let's talk about them.

Well, special mention must go to Kerry Katona, who first started off with the band. She got pregnant and left, went down the old "Reality Television" route and can now be seen advertising a supermarket or appearing on brain-dead magnet tabloid magazines talking about, well, anything that the brain-dead scum are interested in reading about.

Jenny Frost, (her replacement) had a stab at a solo single first - and it absolutely bombed. Fingers crossed we never hear from her again.

Next up, "Tash" (presumably because she has one) also got pregnant but could be seen jiggling around with the bump in the music videos, no doubt an inspiration to all those pregnant 13 year old girls who bought Atomic Kitten records. Is now a full time mother. The music world mourns.

And then, Mrs "Why The Long Face?" Liz McClarnon. She also went down the Reality TV route, in a show that was so charmless and awful even the tabloids weren't that interested in it, has brought out a single just this week and whaddya know - it's a cover. THERE'S a surprise. And look - so is the B-Side! How about that? I won't even go into any detail on how wretched it is. Use your imagination.

Now onto this chart-clogging catastrophe. Safe to say that they got their moneys worth with the drum machine they use, in that I think there's about three different variations on the entire album.

I have nothing against pop music. But this whole album is so devoid of any ideas, of any imagination or depth or PASSION, from the people who created the songs, picked JUST the right cover versions to use, to the three brainless, charmless bimbo's themselves, singing songs they didn't write and not having a single CLUE how to do it above averagly. A thoroughly depressing album.

As for the doomed solo projects? On the bright side, I don't think we'll be seeing much more of any of them in the near future.. unless there's some more supermarket ads going around.

Review 93: Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl

Worse than No Doubt AND Bush.

I know, I know - I never thought it possible either, that Gwen Stefani could produce something more awful than anything her (ex?) band No Doubt and reduced to house-husband Gavin Rosdale's band Bush ever could combined. Take No Doubt's attempts at reggae, their use of guitars and trumpets (together? Never good), take.. well, every Bush song ever recorded and "Hollaback Girl" is STILL a hundred times worse. Let's talk about WHY.

First of all, that fake music thing I hate. If you've read any of my previous reviews (and if not, why not?) you'll know that if someone is singing something, even if they've written it or not, you've got to BELIEVE it. I mean, Aretha Franklin didn't write "Respect" (Otis Redding did), but when she sings it - you believe it.

Not so with this, a laughable attempt at a football-chant soundalike. Here, Gwen tells us that "uh-huh, this my s**t" and "this s**t is bananas". And then helpfully spells out bananas, all under a "Hey Mickey" type repetitive drumbeat. Gwen attempts to sound a number of things..

a) 17
b) black
c) "street"
d) like she had any idea what the hell a "hollaback girl" actually WAS until someone told her a week before the song was written.

She fails on all accounts. What she DOES come across as being is everything that, well, she is. A white, 35 year old rich married woman bringing in expensive young talent to help her sell albums.

It's not only an unconvinving song, but a crass, ugly, tedious NOISE. But it has the word "s**t" repeated loads and loads of times, so of course it sold by the bucketload. Sigh and double sigh.

I shudder to think what she'll come up with next to top it. Gwen Gangsta Rap?

Review 92: Jennifer Ellison - Bye Bye Boy

Tragic.

First of all, I'll get this out of the way - Jennifer Ellison is SMOKING HOT. Mere words cannot describe what mortal men want to do to this girl (and certainly no words Amazon would allow). So, she can sing (er, kind of), she can dance (ditto), she's fairly famous in Britain and she looks like a goddess. So what's the problem?

Answer, sadly - everything. It's a pity looking awesome inside guys magazines isn't as easy as making good pop music, otherwise Jen here would be the next Madonna. Don't get me wrong - I would LOVE for her records to have been good, and a success (both of which they weren't). The Curmudgeon does have a liking for good pop music. But this falls nowhere near that category.

The first single, a cover of "Baby I Don't Care" by Transivision Vamp is basically the same song with a "poppier" guitar sound, something she can do a synchronised (and rubbish) dance to. The next (and last) attempt is barely worth describing, a humdrum pop number that would be a poor excuse for a Britney Spears B-Side.

I think the record companies were under the misguided notion that because guys like to LOOK at her, they'll want to LISTEN to her as well. Not likely.

Stick to taking your clothes off, love.

Review 91: Madonna - American Pie

About as wanted as American Pie: Bandcamp.

Before I begin, let me just say I hold no particular reverence for this song, as the majority seem to. Good song, I guess, I just don't salivate over it the way most people do. Still, its Bohemian Rhapsody compared to this version, which is Cha-Cha Slide in comparison.

I was always going to "induct" Madonna in these pages, but wasn't sure which way to do it. I do like Madonna (especially now she's moved on from her soul-free "trance" attempts, where basically she says a few words and gets Big Name DJ to remix them for her), but crikey, she's had a few stinkers in her time. So it was a toss up between this and American Life (for the rap, more than anything else.."I'm in my Mini-Cooper and I'm feeling super duper..." oh dear) but I reckon this just beats it in terms of sheer awfulness.

So Madonna sings American Pie. With the same wibbly wobbly dance effects William Orbit puts on ALL his songs. She dances like a loon in the video - and misses half of the actual song out.

Now, one of the main appeals to the song American Pie is just what the hell its all about. Who IS the Jester? WHO borrowed the coat from James Dean? Who cares? Certainly not Madonna, as this by the numbers hollow garbage shows. To her credit, Madonna hasn't done any covers (to my knowledge) before, so I suppose most people can forgive her this one.

Not The Curmudgeon, though. It's a classic song (so everyone keeps telling me) and this sounds just like every God-awful eurodance cover that you've ever hated. One can only imagine the sheer horror of the "Humpty" remix. Just what Don Mclean had intended, I'm sure. Unforgivable.

Live Gigs

The Fortress guide.

The Curmudgeon enjoys spending his precious spare time (and indeed, this weekend if you've been wondering where I was) seeing bands play live. Well, listening to music is one of my passions (1200 CD's and counting), and so it only makes sense that I enjoy seeing the guys (and girls) I listen to at home playing in front of me and thousands of other punters.

I tell you, it's a changed enviroment these days. I've seen it slowly but surely warp itself into an entirely different beast, and nowadays venues have posters telling you that if you smoke, crowd surf or throw those plastic beer cups around you will be booted out of the place. Hardly the best atmosphere for rock n' roll.

Over the years I've seen the likes of Prince, David Bowie, Marilyn Manson, Placebo, Aerosmith, Ash, Dandy Warhols, Slipknot, Terrorvision, Manic Street Preachers, Blur and many more, and through that time, I've compiled a little list of do and don't even think about doing's which we all should live by.

1. If you're going to see, say, Metallica, DON'T wear a Metallica T-shirt to the gig. It's like saying, "hey! Look at the band I like! The ONLY band I like!" Feel free to wear that Metallica shirt to any other gig, though.

2. On that subject, T-shirts are an excellent way to give a hint of your personality to the thousand other strangers around you (but should only be worn if you actually like the thing on your chest, see my "FAKER" thread from earlier). Retro TV shows, comic book figures, cartoon stars, clever slogans and other bands are must-wears. My particular favourite right now? The Silver Surfer T-shirt I bought in Florida. Just.. awesome.

3. This is a fairly new trend which threatens to become the most irritating thing at a live gig. Camera phones. Taking a picture is fine, but its these jokers with those damn video camera in their phones, standing rigidly with their arm held out like some Olympic torch cardboard cutout. And what exactly do you hope to be filming? Because when you get home and want to show your friends the exciting gig you've been to, all they'll see is a blurry, bright smudge surrounded by a wall of noise. Mmm, THAT's a keeper.

4. If you're at a smaller gig and you're the sort that shouts things out to the band - DON'T shout for their biggest hit song. I remember reading about the band Electric Six at Glastonbury, and how almost the entire audience chanted "Gay Bar" at them. If you're going to request songs, try and show that you actually give a shit about the band and shout for a little heard B-side or an old album track or something, not the only thing Average Joe has heard of.

5. Speaking of smaller gigs, these are the BEST place to see a band. It may sound obvious, but I know people that have turned their nose up at bands because they're not playing the biggest venue possible. Big gigs are, usually, shit. Expensive ticket notwithstanding, if you do manage to get to the front, you're surrounded by 50,000 other people who want to be where YOU are. Don't get me wrong, I go to see a band I like wherever they play, and in doing so I've learned a valuable lesson - the bigger the act, the worse the audience. For example, I went to see Bon Jovi (don't laugh, The Wife was going with her friends and wanted me to go) and I expected a crowd of 40 somethings in tight jeans, denim waist-coats and fading hair-lines. Boy, was THAT a mistake. The roughest, scariest crowd EVER. Every drunken maniac and snaggled-toothed whore you've ever crossed the street to avoid were standing around me baying like the wretched souls of the damned.
Small gigs - with crowds interested in the band and the music rather than knuckledraggers wanting to hear The Hits - is where it's at.

6. Support acts don't always suck. It always pisses me off when the support act comes on and 60% of the crowd are still at the bar. True, some of them aren't worth talking about, but I've seen some up and coming acts that have outshone the headliners. And I remember seeing the now massive (in the UK at least) Razorlight and Franz Ferdinand opening up for little known acts in tiny venues. You never know - Your New Favourite Band could be right in front of you.



Anyway, I don't want to go into Invisible Wolfman thread lengths here or anything, so I'll end this finger wagging just now. So, Dwellers - any more irritations that you have if you ever go to a live show? And tell the other Dwellers who you've seen and who you loved, who sucked... whatever - this is a Live Music Discussion Thread. Do as you will.