You're nobody until someone kills you.

First of all, this isn't a snide comment or nasty thread aimed at Steve Irwin, he's just another in a long line of people this has happened to. You know what? It absolutely SUCKS that Steve is dead. I wasn't a huge fan or anything, but he was a warm, enthusiastic, genuinely likeable television personality with bags of natural charisma and a passion and dedication to his work. When you consider some of the hateful people on television these days, the fact Steve is no longer with us just isn't fair.

There was an old letter in satirical adult comic Viz a few years back, which went along the lines of:

"I like when famous movie stars die, because then they repeat all their films on television. I hope Clint Eastwood dies soon. He's my favourite."

And that's sort of the same thing that's happening here, indeed, happens every time someone famous dies. People are suddenly falling over themselves to talk about how much they actually LOVED them.

Take Johnny Cash. Been around for decades, snuffs it, and suddenly you can't move for all these trendy hypocrites saying what an "influence" he was, when they wouldn't have played a Johnny Cash record for a bet the year before.

And it's the same story with Steve Irwin. Having a sneaky hunch, I typed his name into Play.com. Check it out..

Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter: His Most Dangerous Adventures - Sold out.
Steve Irwin's Wildest Animal Encounters - Vol. 2 - Sold out.
Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter - Sold out.
Steve Irwin - Crocodile Hunter (Book) - Sold out.

Would ANY of these items have been sold out last week? Would ANYONE have suddenly had the major urge to buy The Crocodile Hunter? No - but now because the poor guy is dead, suddenly the world must own a piece of him. It's like when a famous Scottish comedian died a few years ago (Rikki Fulton), his videos, which were gathering dust for years, were now suddenly selling for more than £20 on ebay. What, because he's dead he's funnier now or something?

Like I said, I'm no huge Steve Irwin fan. I hate the fact he died, but I'm not going to rush out and buy everything he ever did just because he's dead. Same with Johnny Cash.

Moral of the story - appreciate who you wish, for whatever reason. Don't buy into media overkill and fake sentiment (Steve Irwin was, oh man, "The Australian Diana"). It's not what you want and it sure wouldn't be what they would have wanted.

Review 95: Popeye DVD

Ug-ug-ug-ug.... ugh.

You may know this about The Curmudgeon if you've read any more of my reviews (which I'm sure you have), but I'm a Comic Book Movie collector. I get everything, from the latest blockbuster to the obscure flops to the 1950's cinema serials (which means having to buy copies from ebay... hey, it's the only way to get them). So whilst this means having to watch some brilliant films and television, it also means having to watch some right bunk. I'm talking Tank Girl. I'm talking Catwoman. I'm talking Superman IV.

And guess where this is heading? Yup - I'm talking Popeye.

Praise where praise is due first - it looks awesome. Sweethaven is perfect, from the rickety shacks to the look of the characters themselves - if it were based on looks alone, Popeye would be a five star classic.

Now, the decision to make this a musical was something that never really bothered me; the old Fleischer cartoons were so musical in spirit and tone that it kinda makes sense. But here's one of Popeye's major faults - the songs are AWFUL. Not just bad or unmemorable.. not every musical has to be Wizard Of Oz, but they are brutal to listen to. Olive Oyl's "but he's laaaaaaarrrrge" song makes me want to hurl kittens at cars. Even talking about it now makes me have violent urges, so we'd best stop there. But someone somewhere in creative control really should have LISTENED to these songs (which are littered all the way through the film) and realised how abysmal and unlikable they were. But, alas, they didn't, so we have a musical with the ability to create mass murderers.

Next up is Popeye himself. Now, he may LOOK the part, but there's just something about watching Robin Williams here that is fairly unnerving - Williams doesn't look at all comfortable in the role. Popeye is supposed to be shy, we get that, but never once does Williams convince as Popeye - we're only ever reminded that its Robin Williams dressed up as Popeye, and looking rather embarrassed about it.

As for the other characters? Well, Wimpy is rubbish, Olive Oyl is as annoying as she should be (Shelly Duvall just has that "punchable" quality. Was I the only one cheering on Jack Nicholson in The Shining?) but Bluto is BORING, which is just unacceptable. Who can forget the cackling loudmouth from the cartoons, full of menacing quips and vindictive glee? Here he glowers and looks big. And, uh, that's it.

For a movie aimed at kids, taken from old Segar comicstrips and Fleischer cartoons that were, and here's a good word - F-U-N. The spinach eating finale (Popeye hates spinach in this - whu?!) aside, its very probable kids will be bored out of their minds watching this. A dull, navel gazing Popeye, a mono-syllabic Bluto, no Goons, terrible songs..

Sounds like a one star movie to me, folks. At least they didn't attempt Popeye And Son.....

Review 94: Atomic Kitten - Greatest Hits

Chart cancer.

Admit it - you grinned like a loon when you heard this diabolical trio went their separate ways. I know I did, because it didn't seem that a week went by when yet another asinine, chirpy slice of pop cheese or God-awful ballad by these three non-entities was stinking up the charts.

I know what you're thinking, though. "Ah, but Curmudgeon - what happens when a rubbish pop band splits? Lots of equally rubbish SOLO projects." And you'd be right. So before we rip apart this (s)hit collection, let's talk about them.

Well, special mention must go to Kerry Katona, who first started off with the band. She got pregnant and left, went down the old "Reality Television" route and can now be seen advertising a supermarket or appearing on brain-dead magnet tabloid magazines talking about, well, anything that the brain-dead scum are interested in reading about.

Jenny Frost, (her replacement) had a stab at a solo single first - and it absolutely bombed. Fingers crossed we never hear from her again.

Next up, "Tash" (presumably because she has one) also got pregnant but could be seen jiggling around with the bump in the music videos, no doubt an inspiration to all those pregnant 13 year old girls who bought Atomic Kitten records. Is now a full time mother. The music world mourns.

And then, Mrs "Why The Long Face?" Liz McClarnon. She also went down the Reality TV route, in a show that was so charmless and awful even the tabloids weren't that interested in it, has brought out a single just this week and whaddya know - it's a cover. THERE'S a surprise. And look - so is the B-Side! How about that? I won't even go into any detail on how wretched it is. Use your imagination.

Now onto this chart-clogging catastrophe. Safe to say that they got their moneys worth with the drum machine they use, in that I think there's about three different variations on the entire album.

I have nothing against pop music. But this whole album is so devoid of any ideas, of any imagination or depth or PASSION, from the people who created the songs, picked JUST the right cover versions to use, to the three brainless, charmless bimbo's themselves, singing songs they didn't write and not having a single CLUE how to do it above averagly. A thoroughly depressing album.

As for the doomed solo projects? On the bright side, I don't think we'll be seeing much more of any of them in the near future.. unless there's some more supermarket ads going around.

Review 93: Gwen Stefani - Hollaback Girl

Worse than No Doubt AND Bush.

I know, I know - I never thought it possible either, that Gwen Stefani could produce something more awful than anything her (ex?) band No Doubt and reduced to house-husband Gavin Rosdale's band Bush ever could combined. Take No Doubt's attempts at reggae, their use of guitars and trumpets (together? Never good), take.. well, every Bush song ever recorded and "Hollaback Girl" is STILL a hundred times worse. Let's talk about WHY.

First of all, that fake music thing I hate. If you've read any of my previous reviews (and if not, why not?) you'll know that if someone is singing something, even if they've written it or not, you've got to BELIEVE it. I mean, Aretha Franklin didn't write "Respect" (Otis Redding did), but when she sings it - you believe it.

Not so with this, a laughable attempt at a football-chant soundalike. Here, Gwen tells us that "uh-huh, this my s**t" and "this s**t is bananas". And then helpfully spells out bananas, all under a "Hey Mickey" type repetitive drumbeat. Gwen attempts to sound a number of things..

a) 17
b) black
c) "street"
d) like she had any idea what the hell a "hollaback girl" actually WAS until someone told her a week before the song was written.

She fails on all accounts. What she DOES come across as being is everything that, well, she is. A white, 35 year old rich married woman bringing in expensive young talent to help her sell albums.

It's not only an unconvinving song, but a crass, ugly, tedious NOISE. But it has the word "s**t" repeated loads and loads of times, so of course it sold by the bucketload. Sigh and double sigh.

I shudder to think what she'll come up with next to top it. Gwen Gangsta Rap?

Review 92: Jennifer Ellison - Bye Bye Boy

Tragic.

First of all, I'll get this out of the way - Jennifer Ellison is SMOKING HOT. Mere words cannot describe what mortal men want to do to this girl (and certainly no words Amazon would allow). So, she can sing (er, kind of), she can dance (ditto), she's fairly famous in Britain and she looks like a goddess. So what's the problem?

Answer, sadly - everything. It's a pity looking awesome inside guys magazines isn't as easy as making good pop music, otherwise Jen here would be the next Madonna. Don't get me wrong - I would LOVE for her records to have been good, and a success (both of which they weren't). The Curmudgeon does have a liking for good pop music. But this falls nowhere near that category.

The first single, a cover of "Baby I Don't Care" by Transivision Vamp is basically the same song with a "poppier" guitar sound, something she can do a synchronised (and rubbish) dance to. The next (and last) attempt is barely worth describing, a humdrum pop number that would be a poor excuse for a Britney Spears B-Side.

I think the record companies were under the misguided notion that because guys like to LOOK at her, they'll want to LISTEN to her as well. Not likely.

Stick to taking your clothes off, love.

Review 91: Madonna - American Pie

About as wanted as American Pie: Bandcamp.

Before I begin, let me just say I hold no particular reverence for this song, as the majority seem to. Good song, I guess, I just don't salivate over it the way most people do. Still, its Bohemian Rhapsody compared to this version, which is Cha-Cha Slide in comparison.

I was always going to "induct" Madonna in these pages, but wasn't sure which way to do it. I do like Madonna (especially now she's moved on from her soul-free "trance" attempts, where basically she says a few words and gets Big Name DJ to remix them for her), but crikey, she's had a few stinkers in her time. So it was a toss up between this and American Life (for the rap, more than anything else.."I'm in my Mini-Cooper and I'm feeling super duper..." oh dear) but I reckon this just beats it in terms of sheer awfulness.

So Madonna sings American Pie. With the same wibbly wobbly dance effects William Orbit puts on ALL his songs. She dances like a loon in the video - and misses half of the actual song out.

Now, one of the main appeals to the song American Pie is just what the hell its all about. Who IS the Jester? WHO borrowed the coat from James Dean? Who cares? Certainly not Madonna, as this by the numbers hollow garbage shows. To her credit, Madonna hasn't done any covers (to my knowledge) before, so I suppose most people can forgive her this one.

Not The Curmudgeon, though. It's a classic song (so everyone keeps telling me) and this sounds just like every God-awful eurodance cover that you've ever hated. One can only imagine the sheer horror of the "Humpty" remix. Just what Don Mclean had intended, I'm sure. Unforgivable.

Live Gigs

The Fortress guide.

The Curmudgeon enjoys spending his precious spare time (and indeed, this weekend if you've been wondering where I was) seeing bands play live. Well, listening to music is one of my passions (1200 CD's and counting), and so it only makes sense that I enjoy seeing the guys (and girls) I listen to at home playing in front of me and thousands of other punters.

I tell you, it's a changed enviroment these days. I've seen it slowly but surely warp itself into an entirely different beast, and nowadays venues have posters telling you that if you smoke, crowd surf or throw those plastic beer cups around you will be booted out of the place. Hardly the best atmosphere for rock n' roll.

Over the years I've seen the likes of Prince, David Bowie, Marilyn Manson, Placebo, Aerosmith, Ash, Dandy Warhols, Slipknot, Terrorvision, Manic Street Preachers, Blur and many more, and through that time, I've compiled a little list of do and don't even think about doing's which we all should live by.

1. If you're going to see, say, Metallica, DON'T wear a Metallica T-shirt to the gig. It's like saying, "hey! Look at the band I like! The ONLY band I like!" Feel free to wear that Metallica shirt to any other gig, though.

2. On that subject, T-shirts are an excellent way to give a hint of your personality to the thousand other strangers around you (but should only be worn if you actually like the thing on your chest, see my "FAKER" thread from earlier). Retro TV shows, comic book figures, cartoon stars, clever slogans and other bands are must-wears. My particular favourite right now? The Silver Surfer T-shirt I bought in Florida. Just.. awesome.

3. This is a fairly new trend which threatens to become the most irritating thing at a live gig. Camera phones. Taking a picture is fine, but its these jokers with those damn video camera in their phones, standing rigidly with their arm held out like some Olympic torch cardboard cutout. And what exactly do you hope to be filming? Because when you get home and want to show your friends the exciting gig you've been to, all they'll see is a blurry, bright smudge surrounded by a wall of noise. Mmm, THAT's a keeper.

4. If you're at a smaller gig and you're the sort that shouts things out to the band - DON'T shout for their biggest hit song. I remember reading about the band Electric Six at Glastonbury, and how almost the entire audience chanted "Gay Bar" at them. If you're going to request songs, try and show that you actually give a shit about the band and shout for a little heard B-side or an old album track or something, not the only thing Average Joe has heard of.

5. Speaking of smaller gigs, these are the BEST place to see a band. It may sound obvious, but I know people that have turned their nose up at bands because they're not playing the biggest venue possible. Big gigs are, usually, shit. Expensive ticket notwithstanding, if you do manage to get to the front, you're surrounded by 50,000 other people who want to be where YOU are. Don't get me wrong, I go to see a band I like wherever they play, and in doing so I've learned a valuable lesson - the bigger the act, the worse the audience. For example, I went to see Bon Jovi (don't laugh, The Wife was going with her friends and wanted me to go) and I expected a crowd of 40 somethings in tight jeans, denim waist-coats and fading hair-lines. Boy, was THAT a mistake. The roughest, scariest crowd EVER. Every drunken maniac and snaggled-toothed whore you've ever crossed the street to avoid were standing around me baying like the wretched souls of the damned.
Small gigs - with crowds interested in the band and the music rather than knuckledraggers wanting to hear The Hits - is where it's at.

6. Support acts don't always suck. It always pisses me off when the support act comes on and 60% of the crowd are still at the bar. True, some of them aren't worth talking about, but I've seen some up and coming acts that have outshone the headliners. And I remember seeing the now massive (in the UK at least) Razorlight and Franz Ferdinand opening up for little known acts in tiny venues. You never know - Your New Favourite Band could be right in front of you.



Anyway, I don't want to go into Invisible Wolfman thread lengths here or anything, so I'll end this finger wagging just now. So, Dwellers - any more irritations that you have if you ever go to a live show? And tell the other Dwellers who you've seen and who you loved, who sucked... whatever - this is a Live Music Discussion Thread. Do as you will.

Name And Shame

Time to get your knives out, people.


For those of you who have joined this site after reading my Amazon reviews - I have some bad news. There isn't going to be any of those for the next few weeks for one simple reason: Amazon are now CHARGING you for the privilege.

That's right, you now actually have to BUY something before you can review things now. Not the actual thing you're reviewing, thank God (seeing as I only review bad things, that would totally suck) but you just have to buy SOMETHING.

Well, I won't bore you with The Curmudgeon's financial state right now, but what with The Wife(tm) being made redundant and us still having a holiday to save up for, not to mention the usual monthly fees - well, we're not exactly living like P Diddy.

So I will buy something from Amazon, but not just yet (oh, in case you're all blubbing into your hankies thinking that poor old Mr and Mrs Curmudgeon are living like Bob Cratchett - don't. The Wife(tm) got a new, better job - she just hasn't been paid yet).

So, what are we going to do now? Simple - we're going to let YOU, loyal Dweller, review something on this very site.

Not just any old thing. Ohh no. The Curmudgeon has always prided himself on having the Official Room 101 of Amazon.com, and so to continue that tradition you have to nominate something awful (or something you consider awful) to be inducted. A pithy excuse or a rant would be most appreciated.

Room 101 awaits....

Dweller Contribution: Invisible Wolfman writes..

Don't buy the upcoming Star Wars DVD Releases!

The Star Wars DVD re-release is almost upon us! You know, the one with the bonus disc that contains the ORIGINAL (as can be) theatrical release for each film! Now, there is a growing divide amongst SW fans out there over many issues surrounding this release. I raised this topic at a DVD trading website where our gracious The Curmudgeon has resided for quite a few years now (which is how we came to know each other for those out there that haven’t followed). I’m actually combining two post as the first one was short while the other one is quite lengthy. Read on, Faithful Dwellers!

Check out the link below for the reasons why NOT to buy the upcoming Star Wars DVD releases!!!!

http://www.thedigitalbits.com/rumormill.html#082406

Again, it's just a ploy for Lucas to milk the SW fans dry as the UE versions will probably contain the Original Trilogy theatrical versions with anamorphic, which is what that link is leaning towards.

Why?

Well, all you're doing IS buying the new crappy versions. The original movies are "bonus discs." Lucas says the originals are just bonus features to bate those out there who want them. Hence why he wants to use 1993 technology.
But Star Wars was never anamorphic, you (or your critics) cry in retort.

Yes. Star Wars WAS anamorphic to begin with. Proof? How about that ANAMORPHIC opening crawl (without the [B]Episode IV: A New Hope[/B] attatched to it) on the EMIRE OF DREAMS documentary included in the 4th disc in the S.E. boxset? Not impressed, huh? That's still not enough proof?

Taken from THE DIGITAL BITS:

5/19/06

We want to take a few moments this morning to post some follow-up thoughts on our Star Wars DVD editorial from yesterday. Since we first posted the DVD transfer information, and especially after our comments of yesterday morning, we've received many hundreds of e-mails from Star Wars fans, home theater enthusiasts and industry insiders (our sincere thanks to all of you for your thoughts), nearly all of whom agree with our sentiments, specifically that if Lucasfilm is going to release the original theatrical versions of the Star Wars films on DVD, they should at least present them in anamorphic widescreen to ensure some semblance of acceptable video quality for fans who may wish to purchase them. Still, a few people felt we were making mountains out of molehills.

Whatever your personal opinions, however, there remains a reality that is hard to deny, which is this: Anamorphic enhancement is the widely accepted industry standard for the presentation of widescreen films on DVD. This is not pie in the sky 'unobtanium' technology that costs untold millions to implement... it's a basic technique that is standard practice on DVD and has been for many years now, since the fairly early days of the DVD format back in 1997. Keep in mind, we're not asking for 4K high-definition presentation at this point. We're simply asking that Lucas - who has in the past been so focused on the quality presentation of his films that he created THX (and the THX certification process) to ensure it - expend a little more effort and money to ensure that the Star Wars DVDs planned for release on 9/12, which are already set to offer the original theatrical versions of these films, offer them in reasonably acceptable video quality that is commensurate to the minimum level that's considered standard for the DVD format today.

Now... we've heard all manner of excuses and contradictory official statements as to why this can't happen:

1) the original film negatives are gone

2) the other existing original elements have deteriorated too badly

3) there are just no quality film elements remaining anywhere that could be used

4) the 1993 laserdisc masters are the best source material that can be found for use on DVD after exhaustive searches of the Lucasfilm Archives, etc.

Some of these excuses run from the unlikely to the absurd, and all of them strike us as publicity machine spin.

We've debunked all of these excuses previously but, for the record, let's do so again:

1) The original negatives are gone, destroyed as part of the process of creating the 1997 special edition versions.

We're inclined to believe this is true. Still, the original negatives are not the only viable elements that can be used to transfer the films for home video release. There are numerous interpositive prints. There are the separation masters. Worst case, there are a number of high quality release prints available. In short, other elements exist that can be used for this purpose.

2) The other existing original elements have deteriorated too badly to be used.

We'll come back to this one in a minute.

3) There are just no quality film elements remaining anywhere that could be used.

See our answer to #1. Even if it's true that Lucas and his staff destroyed all of the original negatives, it's unlikely in the extreme that they also destroyed all of the interpositives, all of the separation masters, and all of the release prints. In fact, we know that they didn't. Where, for example, would the [COLOR="Red"]anamorphic[/COLOR] footage of the original 1977 opening text crawl from A New Hope - the footage that appeared in the Empire of Dreams DVD documentary - have come from if not from quality surviving film elements? Still, even if Lucas did destroy every single scrap of original film available in the Lucasfilm Archives... we know for a fact that high quality die transfer release prints exist in the hands of a number of archives and private collectors. While not ideal, any of these could be given a high-definition transfer, a bit of digital clean-up and color-timing, and could be presented on DVD in anamorphic widescreen in quality that would be superior to a 1993 non-anamorphic laserdisc transfer.

4) The 1993 laserdisc masters are the best source material that can be found for use on DVD after exhaustive searches of the Lucasfilm Archives.

See our answer to #3. This is flatly absurd. If this were true, Lucasfilm's archivists should be ashamed of themselves. We know of few professionals tasked with the preservation of film materials that would allow such critically important film elements as the original Star Wars films to be lost, to deteriorate or be wholesale destroyed. And again, even if Lucasfilm's vaults were so woefully incomplete, we know for a fact that quality elements exist elsewhere. Given 48 hours notice, we could track them down ourselves. Surely, with its significant resources and influence, Lucasfilm could do the same. If the 1993 laserdisc masters are really the best that Lucasfilm can do, it's disturbing. If not, a statement like "We returned to the Lucasfilm Archives to search exhaustively for source material that could be presented on DVD..." seems terribly disingenuous - the corporate PR equivalent of "I'm so sorry, but the dog ate my homework."

But let's get back to #2...

2) The other existing original elements have deteriorated too badly to be used.

It just so happens that one of our regular contributors here at The Bits, the author of our ever illuminating Yellow Layer Failure, Vinegar Syndrome and Miscellaneous Musings column, is something of an expert on the subject of film preservation and restoration. Robert A. Harris, in point of fact, is one of the world's best known motion picture archivists, and has does significant work in this field through his company, Film Preserve. Robert's experiments in color technology and more recent advances in the digital domain have set standards in the industry. His reconstruction and restoration efforts, primarily in the large format field, have brought back to the screen some of the most important films ever produced, including Lawrence of Arabia, Spartacus, My Fair Lady, Vertigo and Rear Window.

We asked Robert what might be done with the original surviving elements of the Star Wars films in order to rejuvenate them and present them in high quality on DVD. Here's what he had to say on the subject:

*******

"Bill Hunt has asked for an opinion regarding the element problems which we have been told exist in the various Star Wars films, and if they might be fixed.

We're aware of the extent of the problems, going back to fading of the original CRI sections - a problem shared with Close Encounters of the Third Kind - as well as the various cuts, re-cuts, etc. which have changed the conformation of the film elements.

Over the past few years we have been experimenting with various means of handling and interrelating differing film elements, and what we have accomplished would enable us to bring Star Wars back to virtually its original state.

In all deference to Lucasfilm, there is no reason that they would be aware of our latest experiments, or how they might apply to Star Wars.

Essentially, the project would be a reconstruction concurrent with restoration.

We can state with absolute certainly that we would be able to deliver fully restored quality elements as might be requested by Lucasfilm, inclusive of a pristine quality high definition video master as well as a full resolution 35mm preservation negative, if so directed.

It would be both a pleasure and a challenge to bring these films back to virtually their original state, and given a proper budget, commensurate with the work entailed, we would be willing to take on the assignment from Lucasfilm, and deliver elements which would make the release of the original trilogy to DVD as startlingly beautiful an event as it should be.

These films are extremely important both cinematically and as cultural icons, and deserve to be seen in the finest quality possible.

RAH"

*********

So there you have it. It seems to those of us here at The Bits, that the only reasonable obstacles to Lucasfilm in releasing the original versions of the Star Wars film on DVD in high-quality are the will do to so and the willingness to spend a reasonable sum of money, such as might be required to get the job done properly. Certainly, any number of existing quality elements could be utilized for the purpose (and digitally cleaned up as needed) without breaking the bank. But considering the cinematic and cultural significance of these films, does it not seem reasonable and prudent to do so?

In any case, we sincerely hope that those in charge at Lucasfilm will reconsider their decision to use lackluster 1993 laserdisc masters to present the original Star Wars films on DVD in 2006. The films deserve better, and we believe it's the right thing to do for the fans. It might require a little more effort, a little more money spent up front. But we have to believe that it would be a significantly profitable enterprise... that countless life-long fans of the original films would thrill at the possibility of finally owning them on DVD in good, reasonable and acceptable quality.

It should be done. It CAN be done.

And consider this one also from THE DIGITAL BITS:

5/23/06

First up today, [URL="http://www.videobusiness.com/article/CA6337246.html"]Video Business[/URL] has just posted a story on the Star Wars DVD issue. There are some quotes and comments in there that are probably going to piss a lot of you off. According to the piece: "[Lucasfilm] felt there was little need to invest resources into sprucing up films that have already been restored to pristine form." Says Lucasfilm spokesperson John Singh: "The late '90s theatrical versions represent George's vision for Star Wars. We hoped that by releasing the original movies as a bonus disc, it would be a way to give the fans something that is fun. We certainly didn't want to be become a source of frustration for fans." Hoooo-boy. Well... so much for that idea. You know what they say: If wishes were horses, we'd all be covered in hoofprints and dung.

The story further indicates that Lucasfilm will be contacting its fans directly (probably via their Star Wars.com website and newsletter) to explain the situation. In other words, their corporate spin machine is about to start telling you why they're doing you such a big favor, and why you shouldn't care that the original versions of these films are being handled so shoddily. ('Cause... you know... it's not like they REALLY exist anymore anyway, right?) And oh, by the way, would you all please quit yer bitching and just fork over another $90 already? Because, you see, George urgently needs to build the Skywalker Ranch - East out in The Hamptons or the Lucasfilm Empire will collapse. And just for you Jedi loyalists, every paying Hyperspace member that owns at least 10 different copies of these films on VHS, Betamax, SelectaVision, Laserdisc, VideoCD, DVD (and eventually HD-DVD, Blu-ray Disc and LucasDigital 3D-matic Download)... gets the EXCLUSIVE opportunity to purchase them all again, this time dipped in 12-karat gold (along with a special bonus disc featuring video of George Lucas telling you why making these movies was all just a big waste of his time and nobody should ever have liked them in the first place)!

We overstate, of course... but only a little. You know... as much money as Lucasfilm rakes in from Star Wars, you think they could treat their fans (and their films) with just a little more respect.

Hhmmmm. This all reminds us of a line from a little art flick we liked back in the day. Lesseeee... we think it went something like...

"Buy more. Buy more now. Buy more and be happy." - THX-1138

Here's more discussions over the facts:

[url]http://www.homemediaretailing.com/news/html/breaking_article.cfm?sec_id=2&&article_ID=9173[/url]

[url]http://www.hometheaterforum.com/htf/showthread.php?t=234933[/url]

[url]http://www.fromscripttodvd.com/star_wars_a_day_long_remembered.htm[/url] **note on this last link the section entitled [B]Dolby Jumps To Hyperspace[/B] as you can see the 35mm print picture containing the ANAMORPHIC SQUEEZE while the 70mm doesn't as it is wider and doesn't need the squeeze**

Oh, and here's Lucasfilms response to the situation:

[url]http://www.originaltrilogy.com/Lucasfilm_PR_response.cfm[/url]

which leads me to show here some pictures to satisfy any curiosities:



Non-anamorphic "The 1993 laserdisc masters are the best source material that can be found for use on DVD after exhaustive searches of the Lucasfilm Archives" picture

[IMG]http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/1417/pdvd000az5.png[/IMG]

Anamorphic 2004 S.E. picture with cleanup

[IMG]http://img209.imageshack.us/img209/5660/pdvd001sn7.png[/IMG]

Bottom line:

If you want these new ones, wait and trade for them. Otherwise, wait for the UE's.

Best Regards,
InvisibleWolfMan

The Doctor Will See You Now...

Go on then - how healthy are YOU?

The Curmudgeon doesn't know what its like elsewhere, but over here in the good ol' U of K we're all in a bit of a health panic.

Our kids are too fat! We're too fat! We don't exercise! We use too much salt!

On and on and on. The thing is, I kinda admit that my diet sucks. I don't eat the right things, I don't exercise - basically everything I should do - I don't. It's not like I have a Super Size Me diet, but, see, I am a notoriously fussy eater. Hoo boy, you wouldn't believe it. You name it - I don't eat it.

I try to compensate though, by not eating vegetables, I eat a fair bit of fruit and I drink a fair bit of milk (not BA Baracus standards or anything) and hey, I had a complete medical check-up a few months ago and passed with flying colours, so I must be doing something right). And anyone who's lucky enough to have caught sight of a pic of The IHM will know I'm not exactly fat. I don't smoke, don't do drugs and, whilst I've been known to get absolutely wasted with booze, it's not nearly half as much as I used to a few years back (oh my poor liver..).

Regardless, it's hard not to get worried about it all, especially with the media blitz telling us we're basically all doomed by a death by Burger King. So - this is where you 'fess up, to The Fortress and to yourself - just how healthy ARE you......?

FAKERS!

Imposters - End this charade!

Seeing as I've been away for a bit, I thought I'd come back with something very Curmudgeon-like: a hate-filled rant about something. And ooooh, let me tell you - THIS really grinds my gears.

See that picture above? If you don't know who that is, count yourself lucky. He was one of five members of a stupidly successful pop group called Steps, who were just about bigger than Jesus over in the UK. Then they split, tried solo deals and are now of the way of the rest of the Celebrity Living Dead - making a living from Reality TV.

Now, why a picture of him? Simple - he's a Faker. He's one of these annoying twats that thinks if they wear ripped jeans and have spikey hair - that makes them RAWK. Never mind the fact that, TWO WEEKS ago, he was in a Reality TV show called "Totally Boyband", in which former boyband stars team up to make a Super Boyband (erm, despite the fact there were three girls in Steps), this guy is still all about The Rock Music. He is now in a rock band called The Latch. Yes, that's right, a rock band. Although you wouldn't think it reading what he has to say on The Latch website..

"The solo music I make now is more rock than pop and my influences for this are really the songs IÂ’ve grown up with, plus the music I like to listen to today. From Duran Duran, Bon jovi and U2, to The Calling , No Doubt and Maroon 5."

SOLO music? I'm sure the other guys in The Latch, you know - the ones that play the music - will be thrilled to read that. Plus, call me a nitpicker, but when you think Rock Music - Maroon 5, The Calling and Duran Duran don't exactly spring to mind, do they?

OK, that's enough about that idiot. He's just a PERFECT example for a wretched new species out there. You see them everywhere, now that rock is "in", they're wearing old Led Zepplin and Aerosmith t-shirts, from pop totty like Britney to your empty-headed slag on the streets. They couldn't tell you a Led Zepplin SONG, but they're digging the rock look. It's the same with pop acts now; record companies have seen the pop thing is out, so they get the same five kids who, five years ago would have been dancing in matching outfits, to dressing them up like "rockers" and sticking a hired band behind them to make the pesky music.

It's not just rock music that's being pilfered by the ignorant. This obsession with "retro" has people with no interest in what's on the T-shirt trying to fake it and look cool, hence the resurgence of A-Team, Knight Rider and various other 80's classics being splashed on "ironic" T-shirts to people who didn't even like it first time around.

Now, this isn't some poe-faced Grandad "you weren't even BORN when that came out" rant. Hell, I wasn't born when a vast majority of Bowie's music was made, but that doesn't stop him from becoming one of my all time faves. And I'm sure people who adore Shakespeare weren't around when the ink was still wet on his work. Genuine fans can be of all ages. But jeez - they have to be genuine.

It's a sad state of affairs when Generation Dead-Eyed have no real culture of their own that they have to start and steal from ours - past and present. We should NOT accept it. When we see someone like that (and you know you will), we should stop, point and scream, Invasion Of The Bodysnatchers style. Or at least, come on to the Fortress and insult them.

Official Fortress Announcement

We are back in business!

I'll admit it, it DID seem like this moment wasn't going to happen. I just couldn't find a way to get my Uni work finished, what with one thing or another. But it all worked out in the end, and even if it sucks - it's done for another five weeks or so, and those heavy Fortress doors have swung open once more.

I hope you're all still here and you haven't given up on The Fortress. Rest assured, this is just the beginning.....

Official Fortress Announcement

Time to call it a day.

Well, that is - a short holi-day. (What, you didn't think I was going to shut The Fortress down, did you?)

Seeing as things are (scarily) quiet around here (was it something I said?), I figured now is as good a time as any to close these doors for a few days while I get my next (second last) Uni assignment done. It's a bit trickier than I first imagined, and so I'm gonna have to concentrate on that until it's finished.

I may still pop in from time to time over the week (shouldn't take me longer than that.. maybe) with the odd new post, but other than that it's going to remain pretty quiet around here.

By the way, so you know, I DID stick to my word and try and get new blood onto the site. Hell, I spent a good few days joining the most horrendous chatroom sites imaginable in an attempt to get some hits. You name it, guys - Ronan Keating, Destiny's Child, Shayne Ward, Chico - every manufactured pop slop you can imagine - I was on their website showing my negative Amazon review, trying to get a reaction and all the while plugging The Fortress.

I thought ONE person might sign up, but it doesn't look likely. So that little experiment failed. Never mind, I have a few more ideas up my sleeve that I won't mention just now, but I will put into operation when I get back.

Anyway, I'm off to write about - gah - "true life." Wish me luck.

Y'all come back now, y'hear?

The Fortress Casting Couch

Who do YOU want in the best movie roles?

It happens every time.

Every time a spin on a popular franchise is announced, the internet explodes with people saying what a terrible cast there is. Too big, too small, too British, too American, too white, too black.. hell, look no further than the rabid fury the new James Bond is getting for proof of how picky people can be.

So it's time now, at The Fortress, for us all to decide who would be the best for the movie franchises you just KNOW they're going to make. Cinema schedules are full of remakes, comic book adaptations and old TV show "re-imaginings." So if you thought Ving Rhames as Kojak was a bad idea (and you wouldn't be alone), give your own thought to who could play the following..


1. The A-Team

2. Dungeons and Dragons (1980's cartoon series)

3. Knight Rider

4. Captain America



I'll let you decide. You can cast a few, or one or all. Or none. (But that would suck).

I'll have a bit of a think about it and post my own cast soon. Feel free to throw in any other franchises that need casting too.

Mirror Match!

Yaaaaaay - ANOTHER new section!

Yes indeed, loyal Dwellers – another new section that will crop up from time to time, and it’s not one that takes much explaining. Mirror Match – ripped from the Mortal Kombat series but instead of poorly digitised characters fighting themselves, we will be discussing characters from movies who have been played by different characters – and who was the best.

Feel free to start up your own “versus” (although you must give a winner), but I’ll start the ball rolling with a few to get the discussions going. Agree, disagree – speak your mind.

Round One – FIGHT!

Best Batman.

Contenders – Michael Keaton, Adam West, George Clooney, Christian Bale, Lewis Wilson and Val Kilmer.

First of all, George Clooney gets knocked THE FUCK out from the start. His “character” is basically the same character George Clooney plays in every film (bar From Dusk ‘Till Dawn) – smug, “I know I’m handsome” and, well, basically George Clooney. Worst Batman ever. Val Kilmer mistakes “tortured” for “boring” and can sit out too. Old timer Lewis Wilson (from the 1940's cinema serials) was a pretty good Batman; solid looking, deep voiced and pretty serious, but he’s not enough to withstand the best Batman’s, of which it’s a tough call to name a winner. Michael Keaton was good; suave, wild-eyed and the first to show Batman as a troubled soul (and the only actor to survive more than one movie) until his real successor arrived – Christian Bale. Well built, handsome but with a hint of something far darker hiding behind the smile, Bale brought Batman back with a bang – great things are still to come. As good as he is, though – can he dance? Can he slide down poles hidden in his library? Can he punch sharks hanging onto his leg? Didn’t think so – only one man ever could. Step forward Adam West, the definitive Batman.

Round Two – FIGHT!

Best Willy Wonka

Contenders – Johnny Depp and Gene Wilder.

There was always a lot of rumour going around who could play Willy Wonka, (even Marilyn Manson’s name popped up a few times. That would have been something to see) but when Depp’s name was mentioned there was a sense of – “oh.. of course!” Depp’s shiny-eyed kookiness was infectious, but the role really did belong to Wilder, not least for his tantrum at the end; “Good-day, sir! YOU LOSE!” Gene Wilder gave a far creepier performance than Depp’s camp child’s TV presenter, and the boat ride is still enough to give anyone nightmares. Wilder wins this one convincingly.

And I’ll leave Round Three open, in case any of you want to suggest your own Mirror Match. Or rip apart my two opinions. Either’s good.

Review 90: Khia - My Neck My Back

Yet another skank-anthem clogs up the charts.


God almighty, but The Curmudgeon shudders to imagine the kind of pond-life that bought THIS single, a dire attempt to be sexy and shocking, but resulting in something that's as erotic as waking up next to the corpse of the Notorious BIG.

So, we have all the right boxes ticked to get the scum to buy it - rude words, rude video - kerchiiing. Never mind that the song is tedious beyond belief, or that the singer looks like Bobby Brown on the single cover - listen! She's saying rude words! All the time! Buy, buy, buy!

It really is a sorry excuse for a song, and what the cretins that bought it don't realise is that the likes of, say, Prince, could knock out something far sexier as an afterthought. But all the stupid, easily pleased yo-yo knickered harlots bought this anyway because, once again - she says rude words! All the time!

Feeble.

Review 89: Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)

Re-released for ALL the wrong reasons.

It's a sad fact that this is going to be, let's face it, the only song Pete Burns is famous for. Dead Or Alive could have 30 albums under their belt, but this is the only thing the great unwashed are going to remember.

Ah yes - the great unwashed. The general public. The scum. Let's talk about them, because they are the main reason this song is a hit in the UK charts again. Now, 6 months ago the scum couldn't have told you who Pete Burns was if you'd threatened to set a dog on them. But now, everyone knows him, along with a dozen other relics desperate for cash and attention - Celebrity Big Brother.

Now, if there's one thing that gets the scum excited its television with the word "Celebrity" in the title. But if there's two other words that get the scum salivating like rabid loons - it's Big Brother. The daddy of them all, the one we can all point our finger at and blame for the state of television - the king of the most wretched, loathsome source of "entertainment" - reality television.

I don't blame Pete Burns. Even HE says he's sick of this song. I don't blame the record companies - they're out to make cash any way they can, and if they can dust off a twenty year song to make some quick and easy cash, why shouldn't they? No - I blame the scum. The most easily pleased, empty headed, "tell us what to buy and we will" pathetic cretins that fill the charts with manufactured reality television spawned monstrosities, fill the TV schedules with brain-numbing, identikit reality programs, the people that don't have a single original thought in their stupid, thick heads. SCUM. These parasites wouldn't play this record for a bet six months ago, now they feel like it's "theirs". And all because of some soul-sucking television show.

A great song, of course, but what a tragic turn of events that it has to become popular again in THIS way. If you watched that program, if you bought this single because of that program, you are simply not good enough to be reading this review.

Review 88: Various Artists - What's Goin' On?

God almighty - what IS going on??

OK, bare with me people - this one's going to be tough. I mean, one look at the names on this charity EP are enough to give any normal person nightmares; Nelly, J-Lo, Moby, Fred Durst.. it's like one giant super-suck attack. And that's just what they do to this timeless classic - attack it, rip out its heart and leave a ghastly, noisy pointless mess.

So, the radio version is up first, which has well known political persona's like Justin Timberlake and Fred Durst telling us how bad the world is. The gimmick of the video is that they're all blindfolded. Pity those blindfolds didn't all slip and we could have had the world's first mass hanging. Certainly clean the music world up a bit. Anyway, it's rubbish, a poor attempt at a milestone hit. But, oh Lord, there's more to come.

The "London" version (recorded in, ah, London. Lucky it wasn't Skegness) has the likes of Bono and Chris Martin from dull uber-band Coldplay. You will no longer fear Hell after you hear Chris Martin sing this song. It is quite easily the worst thing you'll hear all year. Keep trying to hit those high notes, Chris. Gaaaaah.

And next, it's your pal and mine - Moby. Now, spooky fact, Moby used to make rock records, and damn fine ones as well. These days he's happy to put out any old new-age plinky plonky crap, get some woman to sing over it, put the song on about twenty adverts for supermarkets and Vauxhall cars and count the cash. Somehow I think the "message" got lost in this one..

But if the message got lost in Moby's, it's well and truly baffled and lying in its own urine when it comes to Fred Dursts attempt. Words can't express how bad this actually is - because it's EXACTLY the same as every other Limp Bizkit song. There's loud guitars. Fred speaks in that stupid "I can't sing, so I'll speak the words I don't shout" voice, and then bellows at you. I can really see this comforting the victims of either AIDS or 9/11 or whatever the Hell they're pretending this is for. Yeah, when you think of mending broken hearts and wounds that don't heal - you think Limp Bizkit.

There's a few other versions thrown on here, all from faceless hip hop puppets and pop idiots, all singing a song they don't deserve to and singing for a cause they probably don't understand. It's a sad state of affairs when THIS is what gets passed off as an event in music.

And you would think that they would at least put the original version on here? I dunno, for good measure, or good taste or something? No - that would make sense. "What's Going On?" You, me and every person on this record have absolutely NO idea.

Review 87: Christina Aguilera - Car Wash.

An absolute career low for all concerned.

Make no mistake about it, as hot as Christina is, she's made some dreadful records in the past. The self-indulgent syrup of "I Turn To You" (worryingly already releasing overblown mush on her first album), the unconvincing "hey, I'm down with The Coloureds" strop of "Can't Hold Us Down" and that song with Ricky Martin where she looked like a more plastic Malibu Stacy. Still, nothing can compare to the sheer horror of THIS horrendous piece of plastic.

Yes, Car Wash, the song pretty much everyone knows, and certainly one no-one wants to hear again. Given a by-the-numbers, "will this do?" cover by Christina, and the biggest, one-trick pony in hip hop - Missy Elliot. Once considered ground breaking, (and that was just her weight), she's now decided to be seen with every meal-ticket going, adding her (lack of) charm to the likes of Ciara. How this women gets away with the drivel she puts out is simply beyond me.

Anyway, this song. It's lazy. It's cynical. It's boring. Hell, even Christina sounds bored. It's the soundtrack to singers counting the money and reading the lyric sheet in front of them. Worst of all, it was for that laughter vaccum of a movie "Shark Tale". So, uh, why would there be a car wash underwater? Abysmal.

Review 86: Mariah Carey - The Emancipation Of Mimi

Screaming Mimi.

Hilarious comedy-sized, er, "lungs" aside, Lord knows what we've done to deserve Mariah Carey over the years. True, the whole "Glitter" debacle was fun, (always nice to see a "diva" self-destruct) but now, sadly, she's selling records by the shed load again. And God alone knows why.

Throughout the charts, you'd be hard pushed to find a more cold, clinical approach to apparently soulful music. Mariah seems to think that just because she CAN hit such high notes, she has to do it in every single song, where it only further detracts from any sense of realism or depth. The music is rubbish to begin with, of course, with laughable, cliched syrupy love nonsense that is so bland and uninspired you imagine she only retreats into her high pitched wails and yelps to get away from singing them. Worse still, she's now further into her "ghetto" image, so instead of standing around with people who she normally would cross the street to avoid, she's also now attempting to sound like them. Newsflash - it doesn't work.

Of course, these rappers are here to provide street cred, but these people are bought more easily than the bling they're obsessed with. It's not a sign of how much they respect her as an artist, it's a sign that her record company can afford them.

Anyway, it's garbage. Mariah Carey stopped making good records.. well, after her first single, actually. This is another in the long line of bad ones, and you can't help but pray that "Mimi" is banged up and shipped straight back to the slave ships.

Review 85: The Darkness - One Way Ticket To Hell.... And Back!

Hate to say I told you so but..

Hey, I TOLD YOU SO. Yes indeed, way back in The Curmudgeon's list of musical mishaps was The Darkness and their first album which, while being very popular, was complete junk. And here's the second album - which is exactly the same. But, and here's where I was right, without the very popular part. Or indeed, the popular.

It's funny, you won't believe the hate mail I got for my review of the first Darkness record. I was told that "The Darkness are our saviours" (Ho ho ho, I'm sorry, that's very cute) and that I obviously don't appreciate "real" rock music. Well, if your definition of "real" is ugly nonces dressing up for cheap laughs with even cheaper songs, hiding behind crap lyrics with a grating falsetto well, guess what? You don't know what "real" rock music is either.

Right from the first single, it was clear The Darkness' days were numbered. "One Way Ticket.." is NO "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" (the ONLY thing this novelty band will be remembered for). It's a tired pastiche of every 80's hair band you've ever heard, only without any of the good bits you remember.

What's REALLY funny about The Darkness, though - is that Justin Hawkins clearly believed he was something extra special. The mammoth sales of the first album obviously went to his head, as his bloated ego took a swipe at other bands (real bands, mind you) and they claimed to be "the saviours of rock and roll - again!" Not quite this time, eh boys? Because this album didn't go to number one. It came in near the bottom end of the top ten and then sank without trace.

That's the trouble with these joke bands. Once the joke wears thin, where else can they go? Well, if the truly DIRE second single "Is It Just Me" is anything to by, it's a one way ticket to bargain bin hell - and they won't be coming back from that.

Review 84: The Andy Milonakis Show Season One

The unfunniest show on televison?


Good ol' MTV. Not content with giving Bam Margera reason to stink up the screen, they give this hopeless, unfunny guy his own show. And wow - is it ever bad. Want to know what's worse than someone who isn't funny? Someone who isn't funny but THINKS they're funny - and being given a TV show to prove it.

Whilst some would pretend to call this show "off-beat" and "irrelevant" and then blaspheme and try and mention it in the same sentence as, say, Monty Python, what other shows of this nature (obscure, wacky, "zany", for want of a better word) have that this program doesn't is someone funny starring in it. Oh, and funny people writing it. They seem to have forgotten that in this.

So, we have fat boy Andy doing totally, like, outrageous things dude, along with funny music (because what we are watching is funny, see?) He annoys strangers! He wastes peoples time! He shouts a lot! Hey, aren't you rolling around on the floor yet either?

Do you know what the ONLY funny thing is? Andy Milonakis himself. You see, he'd like all you MTV watching kids out there to believe that he's just like you, some goofball kid of 14. But he's not - he's 30, with a growth defect. Now, I'm no expert on comedy, but THAT, my friends, is funny.

Not sure if this garbage is getting another series or not (the first deservedly tanked) but if it does hopefully we'll see Andy's growth defect go full scale, going past the 14 year old boy look right back to toddler age and then finally obliterating him from this earth.

Review 83 - Gareth Gates and Will Young - The Long And Winding Road

A double dose of dreadfulness.


This is going back a few years now, but the memory of this number one(!) travesty still haunts The Curmudgeon. Take two pop idol drones - the winner, and the other one (that the record company wanted to win) and pair them up. Fresh from Will Young's number one cover of a Westlife song, and fresh from Gareth Gates number one cover of the Righteous Brothers song (notice a trend here?) they were paired off, in much the same way as dog owners would mate their respective pooches. Well, it's easy money, isn't it? Especially if you cover a Beatles song. And just to make it even more bankable, get the cute one (that's, you know, not gay or anything like that) to sing an Elvis song. Ker-ching. Instant number one thanks to the pondlife that buy these horrible things.

And, oh mercy, is it ever horrible. Quite simply one of the worst cover versions of all time, what is surprising about The Long And Winding Road is the poe-faced sincerity of it all, and the record labels attempt to trick the listener into thinking this is something special, when in reality it's two whiney puppets slowly beating a classic song to death, all the while thinking their pained, touching vocals add anything to the song, when in fact it makes it more boring than, well, watching Pop Idol.

As for the double A-side cover of Suspicious Minds? Close your eyes, think of someone who doesn't actually like the song but is being told to sing it - THERE. That's what it sounds like.

A deeply woeful single and, in a long, long list of reality television spawned atrocities, this ranks up there as one of the very worst.

Review 82: Shane Ward - That's My Goal

Truly, welcome to the suck.

And this year's crud-fest winner, the person who received the most votes from every brain-dead glossy eyed plankton watching ..... who even CARES anymore?

Yet another drone pulled off the production line, this gimp being another in the long run of Inoffensive Handsome White Boys, aimed primarily at stupid people and, judging by the popularity of this single, there are an awful, awful lot of.

So let's talk about the single. With the exception of the excrement that was last years winner (Steve Brookstein, currently Missing In Action - yet another one-hit wonder who we'll never see again) first (and only) solo attempt - the dire Phil Collins cover, this is easily the worst actual attempt at a SONG yet.

Originally planned for Westlife, "That's My Goal" was panned and rejected by them (THEM! Westlife!) for being too weak, but it sure wasn't weak enough for Shayne Ward, currently number one for the fourth week running as I type this.

But what does that MEAN, exactly? I'll tell you - nothing. The general public are SUCH idiots, such pathetic, "tell us what to buy and we will" easily led cretins, that they would buy ANYTHING after seeing it on a reality program. Shayne Ward could have released a record of him whistling the Marmite theme and it would have gone straight to number one.

And it's going to continue, isn't it? This was a massive hit, the show was a massive hit, so we're going to continue to be bombarded with bland, generic singers and pointless songs like this. If you BOUGHT this junk, or if you WATCHED this junk, The Curmudgeon holds YOU personally responsible. You should be ASHAMED of yourself for bringing yourself down to the gutter masses, watching this easily-digestible pond-life program, and buying its cynical, disgusting products.

One day, I hope to live in a world where television is not swamped by reality television, where TV schedules and budgets are not ruled by programs aimed at the great unwashed, where the charts are not in the vice-like grasp of dire TV talent show winners (and losers). That, ladies and gentlemen, THAT, is my goal.

Review 81: Ronan Keating - Ten Years Of Hits

The adventures of Captain Bland and The Unremarkables.

Sadly, it would seem a lengthy (in pop terms) career and a strong fan-base are no real estimations of quality. Look no further to prove that point than Mr Ronan Keating, formerly of Boyzone (to quote Noel Gallacher - "a costume change away from the Tweenies") and who himself has amassed a string of hits while his other band members faded into obscurity. Really, what DID we do to deserve this man?

Ronan Keating, I'm sure his press would want you to believe The Mr Nice of Pop. Which, translated, means he's so insufferably BORING you feel some clever entrepreneur could bottle him and sell him off as sleeping tablets. He really is the most vapid, uninteresting non-event to grace the charts in some time. And yet his records sell by the shed-load. Why? Because the people that buy them are either stupid girls or stupid housewives. And there are an AWFUL lot of stupid girls and stupid housewives out there.


This banality transfers into the music seamlessly, and it's not in the countless ballads and cover versions it's most noticeable, but on the hilarious attempts to be "cool" that Ireland's own Ronan comes across as your embarrassing uncle turning up at the school disco and trying to boogie. Watch the excruciating video to "Lovin' Each Day - (see, he says LOVIN' - that means he's edgy).

I don't know how popular this guy is over in America, but over here a new album is reason to mourn like you've lost a prized pet. Four (at least) more singles, four more videos to be rotated non-stop on the music channels, all of the same dull, pedestrian, moribund pop music. Dire.

Aw, Begorrah, Ronan - you really do suck.

Aiiiiieeeeeeee!

That was supposed to be a scream. Sorry.

OK, I want you all to sit back and, what's the word? Ah yes - reminisce. We're here to talk about horror movies, but not to list your top ten or anything like that (although feel free). I'm here to talk about those scenes in certain movies that, for want of a better term, scared the ever-lovin' blue eyed shit out of you.

You know what I mean; certain parts of certain films that made the back of your neck tingle and for you to shrink back into your couch. You may have been young or it may have been last week. Here's mine..

1. Night Of The Living Dead.

One of my all time favourite movies now, when I first watched this on TV as a young Curmudgeon with my mother. The entire first half hour just scared the hell out of me. The fact that it wasn't a "ZING" jump where the bad guy is suddenly behind the dumb blonde, the fact it wasn't at night in a spooky old house. It was in broad daylight, in a normal looking cemetery - and they watched the zombie come towards them the whole time. That freaked me out.

2. Psycho II.

I still think this film is one of the most under-rated sequels of all time. And this one scene stayed in my head YEARS, and I mean YEARS, after I first saw it. I think I must have been about ten, and the scene where the young couple are down in the cellar making out when they hear someone coming. They look through the window of the cellar and see Norman stomping about in his mother's dress. They don't move.. until dumbass girl slips on a log. THIS BIT - where Norman's head jerks round to the window - will stay with me forever.

Hell, I've only ever seen it once - all that time ago - and I can STILL remember that bit. Fantastic!

3. Blair Witch Project

A far more recent effort, and I think the last horror film to make me shiver. You probably know which parts (it had two). The first, in the tent, when the girl asks "is that a baby crying?" and then the tent gets pushed in by unseen hands. And of course, the last bit where the screaming chick sees her cameraman facing the wall. On paper it means nothing. On camera it just.. rocked. And made your old IHM squirm in his cinema seat.

4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Another recent one (and no - not the remake). I had never seen this until they released it for a limited cinema run (it was still banned for domestic release). I'd say most of this film scared me like I hadn't been in YEARS - hell, I was actually wanting the violence to END, something I hadn't felt since I was about seven. The first appearance of the Hitchiker was bad enough, but THAT chase scene through the forest almost had me blubbing into my friends shoulder.

OK - hopefully I haven't dented my reputation TOO much with those four confessions. Anyone else willing to step forward?

DVD Discussion Two:

DVD Extra Features - Does anyone bother with them anymore?


First off, apologies for using a dull, shit picture twice. But hey - you try finding a decent (and funny) picture to go with DVD's.

Now then; The Curmudgeon is a right old sucker for deluxe, special, definitive, ultimate, extreme, uncut edition DVD's. And judging by the array of Special Edition discs out there - so is everyone else.

Controversial statement time - I hardly watch any extra's any more.

I dunno what it is. The first DVD I got (Night Of The Living Dead, fact fans) I watched everything on the disc. I watched the movie two more times with both commentaries and the same went for The Blair Witch Project (which was, I think, my second).

Now? I buy two disc DVD's, watch the movie and very rarely bother with the extra's. In fact, the first major extra I watched recently was that mammoth 2 hour documentary on the Indiana Jones boxset. I love that sort of thing, but, like I said - I don't bother with them all that much now.

Maybe its the novelty value of DVD's waring off. Maybe we've seen enough behind the scenes gubbins and talking heads gushing about what an honour it was to work with the director. Who knows? Hell, I couldn't tell you the last time I listened to a feature length commentary (although I do listen to every single Simpsons commentary - 'cos they're just a joy to listen to).

So, anyway - am I alone here, or has anyone else been burned out by DVD extra features?

DVD Discussion One:

HD DVD - Are you interested?

We all remember that glorious day. The day when we bought our first DVD. That shiny disc. Those neat extra's. It was a glorious time, and we wasted none of it kicking VHS where it belonged - the Bin Of Shame.

And let's face it, it hasn't been THAT long since we all bought that first DVD, and already some poncey upstart is telling us that this brilliant piece of innovative, revolutionary technology is, in fact - shit. That the REAL way forward is HD DVD.

What I don't get is - honestly, what REAL difference is it going to make? Better sound and picture quality than DVD's? Remember the old ads that came out for DVD's? "The sound is infinitely clearer.." Oh yeah? So what's HD DVD then? Infinity plus one?

And so the storage space is bigger. So what? Dunno about you guys, but I'm happy with two disc sets and 6 disc boxsets. One - it looks cool, and two - you feel you're getting that requisite bang for your buck.

The Curmudgeon is not convinced, and I (vainly) hope HD DVD is going to go the way of the Laser Disc and be for "buy everything" fan boys only.

Any thoughts?

Attack Of The Clones!

Too many Curmudgeons?

I'll be honest first off - I don't really have any idea what I'm doing with this whole "blog" thing. I didn't research it, I didn't look at others people's to get an idea of what to do - I just wanted a place where myself and like minded people could "hang out." And I did that (right?), but every so often I do flick through the options of Blogger to see if there's anything I could do to improve the Fortress. Hell, for all I know you can post whilst "Purple Rain" plays in the background and images of naked women pop up.

Anyway, on one such browse, I decided to see what would happen if I typed "The Curmudgeon" into the Blogger search engine.

The results were depressing. There are DOZENS of other Curmudgeon's on this site. Now, you and I know there's only one true Curmudgeon, and that's your old pal the Irresponsible Hate Monger. But what makes it worse is that these phoneys come WAY before me in the search engine, so anyone looking up the words "Curmudgeon" will have to scroll through about twenty odd pages before they stumble upon The Fortress.

Question to anyone that might know - is there any way I can get this site bumped up a bit? I mean, hells bells, some of these search results just have some MENTION of the word "Curmudgeon", like, "oh my dog was such a curmudgeon today". And all the while Your New Favourite Site is going ignored. Any ideas to rectify this travesty?

Meanwhile, The Curmudgeon is going to set out on a (friendly.. ish) mission, to seek out strange, new Curmudgeons. To boldly go onto these other Curmudgeon blogs and push my weight around a bit and try and get some hits. We'll see what happens.

The Fortress Salutes....

Click your heels together, folks! It's another new segment!

Time for something a bit different, Dwellers. Now, here in the Fortress Of Solitude talking about what we HATE is a big deal. But we also talk about what we LIKE, and this is firmly in that category.

This is YOUR chance to "give props", as the street kids say (round about 1994, probably) to one of your idols. Someone who's made YOUR world a cooler place to be. Could be a musician or band that have constantly been your choice of listen, could be an actor or a director - Hell, it can be anyone you want. Just remember - whenever you see Steve Rogers above saluting, you know it's tribute time.

I'm not after a career analysis or an essay on the subject of choice. Just what they mean to you and why they deserve to be saluted by The Fortress Of Solitude. So if you DO have anyone you'd like to nominate - you know the drill. Send your little piece to me (the_curmudgeon_hates_you@yahoo.co.uk) and I'll give it a thread of its own.

Anyway, I'll start the ball rolling with a little salute of my own.

The Curmudgeon and The Fortress Of Solitude salutes.... Prince.

Ever since I was old enough to actually appreciate music I've been into Prince. I remember my brother had the Diamonds and Pearls CD (which he got for nothing from some "Join Now, Get Free CD's And Then Give Us Your Testicles" club) and I had always liked the song "Gett Off" which my friends older brother used to play. So I, er, "borrowed" the Diamonds And Pearls album with the idea of listening to that one song. Fate had other ideas...

After the Diamonds and Pearls album had went down a treat, I bought the Hits album 2, then basically every other Prince CD I could lay my hands on. I didn't just like the music, I liked everything about him. The mystique, the snotty attitude, the between song banter on some albums - everything. Plus, I LOVED the fact that I was the only kid in my entire school that liked Prince. It was kind of "my thing". Prince was the first gig I ever went to, where I bought a big symbol necklace and then.. well, went a bit strange.

This was during the whole Artist Formerly Known As.. stage, which I ADORED. I thought the name change to an unpronounceable symbol was so unusual and so original - that I decided to steal it for myself. At school I "killed off" my original name, and began poncing around the school (with dyed black hair) calling myself The Artist Formerly Known As.. (real name - that's a secret.)

Oddly enough, I didn't get beat up. I didn't get shunned. Hell, it worked a treat. Even my teachers began to acknowledge it (well, some of them) and I remember my friends bought me a "Happy 1st Birthday" card after a year (they remembered the day I "died" - awwww).

Well, all that fun and games wasn't exactly yesterday, but Prince is still a key factor in my life. The day I turned 18 I got the symbol tattooed on my arm (hurt like a bitch, too). Hell, before I called myself The Curmudgeon I called myself Tora Tora after a Prince alter ego, and even now my sign off signature in every discussion board is "Don't Abuse Children Or Else They Turn Out Like Me" from "Papa". I like other bands and still buy CD's but Prince is still the number one artist in my collection. I've got over 1100 CD's but the Prince ones are where the true love lies. I've been to about 80 or 90 gigs but that first one with Prince is still the best (nothing could match that giddy butterfly feeling in my stomach watching him come out on a moving pedestal..)

After a brief spell from the limelight, Prince appears to be as hot as ever. His new album 3121 went top ten in the UK and number one in America, and he seems to be the key name for other artists to drop in conversation (Pharrel Williams, for example, on who we would like to work with the most; "Oh, let's see.. Prince. Prince. Prince. Prince - and then Prince."

I love the music, I love the attitude (live on stage, talking about miming - "if they don't play their instruments then boo them off the stage!"), the androgynous look, the shameless sexuality, the peerless guitar work, the effortlessly catchy pop songs. He is quite simply the reason I own a CD player.

Prince - The Curmudgeon salutes you, now and forever.



There. That didn't hurt. Feel free to comment on this gushing tribute, or compose one of your own...

I'm Watching You..

Doctor Who - "Season Two", then.

Yes, I know its not really Season Two, but to a lot of people who never watched the show before, it is. And hey, if the BBC themselves call it that, who am I to argue?

That's one of the beauties of this show, though; you don't have to have had a 40 year history of the Doctor to follow what's going on, as they fill you in on any nods to the past, so the old fans can appreciate the reference and new fans don't feel left out.

I must admit to being somewhat of a new fan myself. I've watched the odd episode of Doctor Who before (well, quite a few episodes, actually) but I've never been an avid fan (I mean, Jesus, where do you start? "Hmm.. I think I'll try and track down the very early 60's episodes first - even the ones that were destroyed").

Anyway, THIS season marked the first run of the new Doctor (David Tennant) after the Christmas episode and... gotta say, as much as I liked him at first (and really didn't think I would, given how much I liked Christopher Eccelston), his over-egged performances have really begun to grate on me. Whereas first he could be seen as eccentric, now he's just downright irritating with his smug manner, stupid gurning and high pitched squawking. Also, Rose Tyler (Billie Piper's) character was once the building blocks of the entire show. Her believable, realistic performances kept the show grounded, but as the show progressed she became just as smug as the Doctor, and she went from being someone we wanted to have sex with to someone we wanted to smash her head off a wall (and then have sex with).

*SPOILER*

So, Season Two, then. Even though the writers are still apparently obsessed with London, it served up some superb slices of sci-fi. From the unashamed blub fest that was the reunion between Sarah Jane Smith and the Doctor (and K-9! Yaaaay!) (which was, for me, one of the best episodes) to the first look at the new Cybermen to the exciting carnage of the Season finale (regardless of embarrassing "banter" between the Daleks and the Cybermen), Doctor Who continued to be enjoyable, likeable and addictive television, leaps and bounds over any other mainstream, Saturday night television in the last ten years. It wasn't without its faults though; the Doctor's irritating traits and the utter, insulting hogwash that was the Peter Kay episode could have turned off viewers. But with Rose gone their overly chummy mannerisms are now gone, leaving hopefully a broken, alone Doctor instead of the doe-eyed, holding hands and hugging Doctor from this season.

So, onto Season three. First impressions aren't good, with Catherine Tate, the Official Unfunniest Women In Britain making a guest cameo as what appears to be a spoilt brat bride cliche. I really wish the writers would get away from this "let's get a guest star in that the idiot public will know." First Peter Kay - who was rubbish, and now her. Note to BBC - stop it. But I've seen the new assistant who will probably debut in the Christmas episode, and she looks mighty fine. Hopefully she'll be just that - an assistant. Not an equal, not a love interest - someone to ask questions, argue with the Doctor, get into trouble, get rescued - and look good doing it. We can but hope.

Till then, you just KNOW I'm going to be saving my pennies for the nice new Cybermen head boxset thing (pics, anyone?) And so should you, because, for its faults, Doctor Who is still very much worth it.

Dweller Contribution: Invisible Wolfman Writes...

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (And Into The Window)

Hello fellow Fortress dwellers! InvisibleWolfMan here, taking a chance on his first blog entery ANYwhere (thanks, The Curmudgeon!)

Conspiracy theories. Some are cool like Area 51and The Men In Black (no Will Smiths here). Some are confusing with their political ties like who really shot JFK and the events surrounding Sept.11th. Some are just pure trash like faking the moon landing of 1969 and George Lucas not owning a single print of the original theatrical versions of the STAR WARS Trilogy (how was that process of color correction comparisons for the 2004 S.E.'s, Georgie? That's nice...). I like to read them, not that I buy into ALL of them, but one must realize that every GOOD theory has to be based on some truths. I enjoy conspiracy theories as a way to think "what if..." every now and then just to keep me on my toes

Then there's a friend of mine who's adapted them as a way of life.

Oh, if only I could say he was laughable or even (dare I use it) "devilishly charming" with these theories! Unfortunately, it's not the case. Nope....he's out to save my very soul along with the rest of the world in an effort to expose the truth and name the one individual who's behind it all because he's not out to make any money with his book he's writing on it at all because that's superficial and against his belief that he just wants the truth to finally be exposed.

Seriously.

It was harmless at first, listening to him. A "times have changed since we were young" here, a "government ignoring the people" there....typical discussion for almost anyone out there. Then he started getting deeper...and deeper...and deeper still. It went from talking about how we don't agree with Bush's actions as of late to "the Vatican has secret assassins." Yep....assassins.

Fantastic.

Now, had it been the only time I would have laughed it off. Sadly, it seemed every time I met up with him he had something new to add to it. I'm not gonna go into specifics as it'd take FOREVER to type up all that he said...and I barely remember a quarter of it. Let's just say that he's concluded that the Catholics are in league with Satan. Bizarre as it sounds, that's only the surface!

Talking with him has become such a chore that I dread seeing him anymore. Sometimes I have no way out of that as we both have children that are roughly the same age and it's good for our child to have a playmate in a similar situation (we are Americans living abroad in Finland). And with his recent decision who's behind all of (dare I even type it) "this" has also thrown me for a real loop. A celebrity. One celebrity that because of his religion, a movie he directed and a line from one of his most famous films , has been "stealing" my friend's "creativity."

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ.

This has forced me to realize that although I have a long, quiet patience on putting up with his nonsense....if he dared to tell me any more the next time I would probably be forced to tell him off once and for all. I may try to be understanding to other people and their personal beliefs, but when I think that someone has finally hit a dangerous point (and believe me...he has) there's a time to draw the line. Too many hours doing too much research on this has made him paranoid.

So a word of the wise, Fortress dwellers....if you hear a conspiracy theory and your friend wants to explain further than you're willing to go:

JUST SAY NO!

CD Singles....

Do you still buy them?

Once upon a time, boys and girls, for The Curmudgeon, a new single by an artist or band I "followed" was something of an event. And with good reason, too. Often CD singles were released in two parts, and with that meant..

1. Cool limited packaging (fold out digi packs, tins, 3" CDs).
2. Bonus tracks, which could be new songs, cover versions, live tracks..

Back In The Day (ugh! I do apologise) these bonus tracks could be better than the actual single itself, and when you added up the tracks from singles released you often had a full albums worth to enjoy. There were often three tracks (or more) on each single. Like I said - CD singles could be something very special indeed. Hell, take Prince - his "Cream" and "Gett Off" maxi singles weighed in at over 35 minutes each.

Changed days now, though. The incentive purchase of tins and posters and whatever else they packed along with the single are now banned. Also, a 3 track single is now known as a "maxi" single, but can still only be less than twenty minutes long or its not eligible for the charts. The other part of the single can only be two tracks.

Basically, then - less songs for the same money. I can't help but think we're being ripped off.

It's probably a sign that the majority of the new music that has come out over the last year or so has not been to The Curmudgeon's liking, but I've bought very few CD singles. Or maybe its the fact that I grudge buying the odd CD single now for the title track and some tatty, worthless remix. Which is basically what you're looking at in CD singles nowadays.

And now there's downloading, which is becoming more and more popular with each coming week (more and more acts are charging into the top ten on download sales alone). So the very nature of the single - title track you bought the thing for, and undiscovered rarity that comes with it) will soon be gone forever. Record companies aren't going to waste time with B-sides if they don't need to. "What's that? Give you another song when we don't need to? No no - you download the one track and we'll charge you for this other one".

It's a sad, sad state of affairs. So what about you then, Dweller? Are CD singles still important in YOUR life?