Review 35: Jessica Simpson - These Boots Are Made For Walkin'

Oh wait... there's a SONG with the video??

Let's clear a couple of things up first:

1 - Jessica Simpson is smokin' hot in this video. I mean.. hells bells, she's AWESOME. It makes you want to drop to your knees and thank God women are still willing to be exploited by men. Long may it continue.

2. These Boots Are Made For Walkin' is a classic kitsch gem.

And it's just a pity that classic song and slobber-inducing video don't make for great cover version because, really - this is awful. Right from Jessica's "are you ready buououts?" attempt at a "drawl" to the barely audible vocals, it seems as if they're trying their best not to take the song seriously. Which is fine if the song is garbage, but this is a pop standard here, something that, done right, could have been excellent. Here it's just a waste of time. Worst part is the end, where Jessica says "Willie Nelson, everybody" in such an excited voice at the old coot standing next to her, when in reality she'd be like, "look.. I don't know who this is, but he's like, old and hairy and stuff."

My advice? By all means watch the video until your eyes burn out, but listen to something else whilst you're doing it.

Review 34: Ringu 2 DVD

Ringu? About as scary as Pingu.

Lord, I wanted to like this. I rate the original highly, in that you could really relate to the plot in a "what would YOU do?" scenario (like the "would YOU say Candyman five times in the mirror?") but when the plot goes so much up its own arse (I'm British, I'm allowed to say that) that one of the main scenes involves PLUGGING a boy into a swimming pool because "sea water isn't conductive enough" (don't ask) you just know your simple premise has jumped right down that damn well alongside old Marilyn Manson-features.

The scares just aren't here either. Instead of watching behind your fingers at Sadako like in the first movie, here you just feel like telling her "you know what? Get over it. And brush your hair".

I've yet to see the third installment of this never ending franchise, but if this bloated mess is anything to go by I won't be missing much. No funny comments here, because it's a real shame. It's always fun to rip into bad movies and CD's, but The Curmudgeon gets no pleasure from mocking movies that COULD, and SHOULD, have been great. It's just part of the job.

Review 33: Dirty Dancing DVD

As entertaining as nailing your face to the floor.

Tchoh, this is one of those stupid movies that really annoys me. I mean, let's get right down to it - it's RUBBISH, OK? Everyone knows it, yet mention it to a certain demographic of empty-headed girls and they all cluck and sigh and say how much they love it etc. Fools.

For the record, The Curmudgeon is not some stony-hearted macho man. Hey, probably my all time favourite movie is Wizard Of Oz. But we're not here to talk about the good stuff, remember (read my profile) - only the bad. And oh man, is this ever bad.

It's not the dancing I resent - I don't mind that. It's some of the stupid plot devices that really grate on me, and they're the ones that usually get the girls all gooey and resting their cheeks on their hands.

Plot device one - Patrick Swayze blubs at the end of this movie because of all the sex he gets. Yep, he's actually UPSET about the amount of MILFS he manages to pull in the job he has. "They just use me", he sniffs. OH BOO HOO - Poor you. Sorry, we're supposed to FEEL for this character? Did those women FORCE him to bang them all? Give me a break.

Plot device two - one of the girls gets pregnant sleeping around. Whoops, well, that's what happens. Nothing wrong with a bit of a moral in the tale here and there. But - girl gets abortion, so - abortion girl crys, the lead girl crys, Swayze looks "deep" - alright. But - NEXT SCENE(!!) Swayze and lead girl are in his house dancing - cue romantic music - cue first kiss - cue sex scene. Yes, nothing like an abortion to get you in the mood for more casual, pre-maritial sex. JUST the sort of thing we want to shove down the throats of the impressionable 12 year old girls watching.

"Nobody puts baby in the corner", quothe old plasticine face at the end. Fair enough - put this crap there instead, and crush it into oblivion.

Review 32: The Darkness - Permission To Land

A rock band for people who don't like rock music.

The Curmudgeon is from Britain, and as a result I'm not sure of how the tastes in the good ol' US of A (as absolutley no-one says) are, but for about six months you couldn't move for people lining up to tell you how much they loved The Darkness.

The Darkness, then. A band who seemingly consist of ONE song, "I Believe In A Thing Called Love". This album sold stupid amounts, but ALL people seem to know is that single (and don't get me started on the HORRENDOUS Christmas single).

So, one song - and one selling point - they dress and sound like every 70's cliched rock band should. So singer Justin Hawkins wears a catsuit and pouts and licks at the camera, and the guitar player has a comedy moustache. The songs are perfect for idiots that don't actually like rock music, and like something to "rock out to" once in a while (they're the same idiots that bang their head, Waynes World style, to Bohemian Rhapsody).

This song will be played in your local supermarket. Your mother will hum along to it in the car on the way to work. It will be covered on Pop Idol - this, my friends, is not rock music.

And it's not good music either. You want to see a one-trick pony, boys and girls? Step right up and look at these ugly goons - more of a novelty act than the Crazy f***ing Frog.

Let's place our bets on the SECOND album, then. If it ever happens, just how BAD will it be? Time will tell, but right now, The Darkness are looking to be more dated and naff than Justin's spangly trousers.

Review 30: Blue Streak DVD

More like a big brown streak.


The Curmudgeon does not live by many rules in his life. I'd like to think I'm a fairly open-minded guy, but there is one major rule in The House Of Curmudgeon.

NO Martin Lawrence movies - EVER.

Now, you might think this is harsh, but I'm not throwing rules here and there for the sake of it. For I have seen a few Martin Lawrence movies (I believe the first six minutes of "Big Momma's House" sealed the deal) and they are the most wretched, unfunny movies I've ever witnessed.

Martin Lawrence is, I'm sure his passport would agree, a comedian. Which, call me old fashioned, means you have to be "funny". Whoops, strike one on that, because he really is the most irritating, punch-in-the-balls UNFUNNY man I've ever had the misfortune to watch.

I think Mr Lawrence thinks that if you say something LOUD enough, and pull a stupid face - ziiiiiing - You've Got Funny. Because that's all his ENTIRE act consists of. When he's not being a poor man's, make that broke man's, Eddie Murphy (who IS funny) he simply shouts. And shouts. And then laughs at nothing and makes stupid noises. Gotta have them rollin' in the aisles that one.

I won't bother you with the plot, because you don't need to know it. Follow The Curmudgeon's Golden Rule - it's a Martin Lawrence movie - don't watch it. You can't go wrong.

It seems maybe people are already following that rule because, well, how many films have YOU seen him in recently?

Review 31: Maroon 5 - Songs For Jane

DESTROY THEM.

Man, chicks have a LOT to answer for. Think about it, if it wasn't for girls buying records, a lot of the horrendous music out there wouldn't exist. Celine Dion, boybands, reality star's records, and of course, this obnoxious group.

Where to start? What exactly is SO bad about them that they've ended up on The Curmudgeons' hit list? Well, let's start with the lead singer, an annoying little bendy, squaking gimp who sounds like he should be a voice character actor on The Muppets.

Maybe the songs? Beyond irritating, radio friendly drivel (apart from the bewilderingly popular "She Will Be Loved").

That's another good point - THAT song. OK, if you've never heard it, imagine a really, really high voice. Not in a good way like, say, Prince, but in a "finger nails down a blackboard" kind of way. OK, got that voice in your head? Repeat THIS chorus three times in a row..

"She Wiiiiiiiiiiiillll beeeeeee lovvvvvvvvvvved".

Honestly, it's enough to make your ears bleed. But, of course, it's super successful, because of stupid girls. And if there's any GUYS out there that bought this, oh man.. suicide is painless, you know what I mean?

Review 29: 50 Cent - Candy Shop

YAWN.

Is it me, or is EVERY hip-hop record released in the last ten years EXACTLY the same? Not music wise, obviously, but it seems to me that EVERY song revolves around..

1. How much money they have.
2. How many women they get.
3. What cars they drive

Etc. etc. etc. Forever and ever until the day you die.

Then along came 50 Cent, and he at least could back up the usual bravado claims, what with being shot nine times (not that he ever talks about that, ahem), and, more fool us, we all thought this guy might actually have something NEW to say.

Cue second single, and here he is, dancing with Snoop Dogg, talking about girls, cars and money, saying the exact same things as a million other idiots before him.

Don't expect things to have changed for this, either. The first single from his new album, it's a TERRIBLE "attempt" at being sexy, as he uses every braincell he has (about four, I imagine) to use candy as a metaphor. So he wants you to lick his lollipop. No, I'm really not making that up.

When it comes to the part where he says "I'm the Luuuuuuurve Doctor" you're not feeling his style or feeling his flo, you're wishing you could use a final tenth bullet to complete his set. AWFUL, awful stuff.

Review 28: Castaway DVD

The best character in this movie is a ball.

There. That pretty much sums it up.

OK, I'll tell you a bit more. Tom Hanks is some work-obsessed jobsworth postal worker guy who MUST deliver all his packages in record time (clearly a work of complete fiction), and, oh-ho - in one of life's little ironies, he gets trapped on a desert island.

Now, the thought of Tom Hanks running around in little more than a loin cloth for more than an hour wasn't exactly appealing to me either, but I stuck with it. I really wish I hadn't.

The stuff on the island is decent enough, but then of course ol' Tom goes nuts. He finds a football washed up on shore and it becomes his best friend. He paints a face on it, gives it a name and has full blown conversations with it.

But then, the really annoying part? When he gets OFF the island, all traces, every single one, of madness are gone. He becomes a fully functioning human being again. So, er, what was the POINT OF THE WHOLE MOVIE THEN?????

A waste of time. And not even a GOOD waste of time.

Review 27: Children Of The Living Dead DVD

Think of the worst horror film you've ever seen. This is worse.

With the new George Romero "Land Of The Dead" coming out soon, it wouldn't surprise me if you see the other installments of his (at the time) zombie trilogy out on prominent display in stores. Hell, they might be a bit cheeky and try and throw in the Return Of The Living Dead series to cash in. They might be absolutley EVIL and attempt to put this terrible, TERRIBLE movie on an innocent, unsuspecting public.

I presume you know a fair bit about zombies, otherwise you, you know, wouldn't be on here reading about one. OK, so I'll skip the basics and tell you one of the "plot" details.

A master zombie HIDES from kids, watching them and plotting. Oh yeah, and he turns CORPSES into zombies. Exactly.

Diabolocal acting we can handle (and oh maaaan, it's in abundace here), rubbish effects (ditto) but at least get the BASIC characteristics of zombies right. Hell, Tom Savini's in this (he must have been really broke), you think he of all people would have said, "uh.. you know, guys.. this whole movie is really awful".

If there is one thing you should see this for, it's for the unintentionally HILARIOUS moment the master zombie Abbot Hayes stalks out onto the middle of the road. Honestly, it's the FUNNIEST thing you'll ever see. He walks like a Thunderbirds puppet. It really is the shoddiest, worst excuse for "horror" you'll ever, EVER see. And that includes the Ring 2.

Review 26: Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me

Really unfunny movie, baby!

Boy, was this a disappointment. The Curmudgeon was a big fan of the first movie, a clever parody of Bond movies, but it seems the ol' creative and comic barrel had ran empty this time around. God knows what drivel they put out for the third film - I was not tempted to see that.

So what's the problem(s)? Well, for one - Austin Powers. He's just not funny in this, in fact he's just downright annoying. Once the scenes begin to go on you realise just how much of a 2-D character he really is. No-one expects a fully realised emotional character, but a little range and depth would work wonders. You can actually see Myers struggling as the movie continues.

We'll pass by the unfunny names which were covered in the opening review, and talk about Dr Evil. The best character in the first (and still in this) has also been spoiled - maybe it's too much of him or.. I dunno. Oh, wait - yes I do. They have him RAP. Nice one Mike - let's make a character do something he would NEVER do for the sake of a cheap laugh. Yeah, it's a comedy, but even characters should have limits and contexts, and Dr Evil was just ruined after that. Mini-Me is a failure, his only contributions are giving the finger to people. Oh, my sides. Plus, when you add in Fat Bastard, a tedious "baby-eater" with Myers horrific attempt at a Scottish accent, you aren't so much rolling in the aisles as charging up them towards the exit.

This movie would probably have scored two stars, but I'm deducting another for all the idiots who thought it original and amusing to say "Grooooooovy baby" etc and think they were the King Of Comedy. Hey, MY reviews MY rules.

Review 25: The Terminal DVD

Quite possibly the stupidest film of all time.

You know that feeling you get, just in the opening moments of a movie and you KNOW you're going to hate it? Ding - that's what happened with this wretched pap.

So, Tom Hanks, then. He plays a character called Viktor Navoski (he's foreign, you see? All foreign people have names like that). Due to a war in his native country (some made up one to avoid offence, let's call it Loserville) he has to stay IN the airport and can't leave at all.

What could have been a promising idea turns into the most mawkish, sentimental and downright STUPID movie I've ever had the misfortune to sit and scorn through. For a start, Viktor knows NO ENGLISH. Not one word. Not hello, goodbye - nothing. So how does he overcome this seemingly insomountable obstacle? He buys a book on the sitcom FRIENDS and learns EVERY WORD in the English language. You'd think he'd maybe just learn the words to unfunny tag-along Phoebe's unfunny "Smelly Cat" song, and oft repeated catchphrases like "How You Doin'" or "We Were On A Break", but no. Now Viktor can talk in perfect, unbroken English, albeit now sounding like Bela Lugosi.

That's just one of the many howlers in this movie. He sets up home in an abandoned area of the airport (you know, you think with 9/11 and stuff, the airport staff would be a bit more, like, observant) and turns it into his own little place. It would take a team of about six men a month to do what Viktor does in about two days.

Add to that the inevitable, beyond tedious love story with Catherine Zeta Jones, who wouldn't be interested in someone like Viktor in a million years. And..

You know what? It's awful, and not worth any more of my time. And take my advice, it's not worth any more of yours.

Review 24: Supergirl DVD

A little bit of (rare) background on The Curmudgeon. I collect comic book movies/tv shows. Absolutley anything comic book/superhero related - I want it. Ranging from Spider-Man (new and 70's) to the Phantom to the 1943 Batman TV serial to The Pointless Adventures Of Lois and Clark.

This, you would rightly assume, would mean I have some RIGHT crapola in my collection. And hoo boy, are there some stinkers - Catwoman, Howard The Duck, Justice League pilot (even if they're unofficial I must still have them).

And you know what? This is the worst of the lot.

Not that Supergirl doesn't look very nice in her little outfit, but even that can't save this abomonation, quite simply one of the worst movies I've ever seen. From the bafflingly inept storyline, dire acting and effects, not to mention totally nonsensical moments (Kara or Linda Lee, whatever) gets transported to Earth in a space bubble thing wearing a silvery gown.. she bursts out of the bubble... in her Supergirl outfit?! Huh? Why? What for?

Just one of the utterly surreal things that happen in this movie (and poor Peter Cook just looks humilated being in it). When the best thing you can say about any movie is the guy who plays Jimmy Olsen in the Superman movies is in it.. woah, you KNOW there's something wrong.

I know what you're thinking; "ah.. it can't be THAT bad". Don't be tempted. You may have vague memories of this from childhood and want to see it again - DON'T waste your money. It's REALLY bad, not in a "ho ho, this is terrible" way, but in a "gahh, I want to claw my brain out" way of dire. Run away - far away.

Review 23: Will And Grace Season One DVD

Utterly repugnant TRASH.

First thing out of the way, before the knee-jerk reaction brigade accuse The Curmudgeon of being homophobic.. I'm not, at all. Why, some of my best friends are gay etc etc.

No, it's not that I object to. I don't care what the characters are or do to one another - as long as it's funny. And this is where Will And Grace falls at the very first hurdle - it's JUST. NOT. FUNNY.

So the two males are gay. Hurrah. No problem. Question - why do gay people HAVE to be represented as screaming queens, (Jack), screeching and bitching and being quite simply the worst character in sitcom history.

Then there's Karen, who's "character" is based purely on the fact she has a squeaky voice. Oh HA HA HA HA HA. And of course, as the series went on, that voice just got more and more high pitched until only dogs could hear it.

Of course, every simpleton loves this show, slapping their thighs at every stupid plot device, every tired, shameless mugging to the camera and irritating vocal tick.

This isn't "cutting edge" television. It's not breaking any boundaries - it merely shows gay people as DIFFERENT to straights. They're not just everyday people, noooo, they're camp as a row of tents, shouting and falling over and yelping and generally being really, really, REALLY annoying.

Is this the sort of message we want to get across? Of course it isn't. Don't be fooled.

Review 22: Independence Day DVD

America Saves The Universe.

It's hard NOT to be cynical watching Independence Day. The flag-waving, U-S-A! U-S-A! uber-patriotism gets a little waring after, say, five minutes, and when THE PRESIDENT gets into an airplane to fight those nasty aliens, you can't help but guffaw in mocking laughter.

All that would be OK though, if the script and characters were up to scratch. But trust me - they ain't. Will Smith is in "cocky but loveable" mode, chomping on a cigar and talking about "whoopin' E.T's ass", he has a doting wife and annoying (or, ahem, "adorable" child), the President's wife can talk and relate to a stripper, the guy from Taxi is in it as the Stereotypical Jew, and Jeff Goldblum is, admittedly, the only good thing in the entire movie.

The effects are awesome, of course, but then you would expect that when a film costs more than the third world debt. Famous buildings get blown up, spaceships whizz around and everything is shiny and nice.. if only they'd bothered to put a story in there.

Again, it's really annoying. With this money the producers could really have given us something to remember (a "Star Wars for our generation", as some dimwit before me put it) but it's just another in a depressingly long line of empty headed, expensive popcorn flicks for stupid people to whoop and cheer along to. Watch Mars Attacks instead - it's more realistic.

Review 21: Van Helsing DVD

Laughable.

This really could have been something special. Take the classic monsters from Universal (Dracula, Frankensteins monster, Wolfman) and pit them all against a bad-ass, tooled up Van Helsing, all with today's super-duper special effects? The result - this utter turd of a movie.

First things first - the effects. Yes, they're good, but Sommers (he of The Mummy and Mummy returns infamy) seems to think that you don't actually NEED plot or, like, characters - you just need LOADS and LOADS and LOADS of effects, thrown at the screen every single minute. When you start to tut and roll your eyes when yet ANOTHER monster comes at the screen, or another transformation or whatever, you know something is wrong.

And then there's Hugh Jackman himself, basically being Wolverine but with less attitude. In truth, he's about as wooden as the stakes he carries, and about as interesting.

Add to that a TERRIBLE "comedy" tag-along partner, the worst Dracula in movie history, some of the stupidest action sequences known to man and a veering on self-parody ending and you really do have something that should be put to eternal rest. A sadly missed opportunity - and a sequel is NOT required.

Review 20: Urban Legend DVD

Oh no! Save us from... uh.. Parka Man?

Before I rip into this nonsense, two things worth mentioning;

1. Brad Dourif is in this movie, which was enough to make me watch it, even if he's only in it for about ten seconds, he still acts everyone else off the screen. He really is one of the finest actors in the business today.

2. Also, the whole Urban Legend phenomona is a fascinating subject, worth far more of your time and attention than this cinematic bile. Check out the books available on the subject. (Since you're already here, why not take a look at any of the books by Jan Brunvand. It's certainly eye-opening stuff.)

Anyway, onto eye-rolling in disbelief stuff - this (and, Oh lord, it's sequel). I suppose we can blame Scream for the glut of teen horrors that came out a few years back, each one more terrible than the last. So, usual stuff - attractive people getting killed whilst making glib comments to each other, but in the guise of various well-known (to some.. I suppose) Urban Legends. And who's comitting these murders? Stand back Freddy - get lost Jason. Who needs you, Michael Myers? THIS movie has the epitome of iconic slashers. OK, of course not really. Jeez, even The Fisherman (how could a guy that stinks of fish creep up on anyone?) from I Know What You Did Last Summer was better than.. The Parka Man. Basically someone in a big jacket - that people at school used to get beat up for wearing, if memory serves. Oooh, the terror.

Anyway - Urban Legends. Nice idea, and with a decent script, decent cast and decent director could have made something.. well, decent. But that's a nay on all three (bar Mr Dourif's cameo, of course) and you've not got so much a nail in the slasher movie genres coffin.. more a festering, rotting corpse.

Review 19: Forrest Gump DVD

Life is like this movie, Forrest. It absolutley sucks.

Tom Hanks is an odd fellow. On the one hand, he's perfectly likeable in, say, Road To Perdition, oozes charm in, say, Big, but then there are times you could happily run him over with a car. Castaway is a good example, but surely the best example has to be this - 2 and a bit hours of Idiot Does Good. And 2 and a bit hours of the most sentimental, mawkish U-S-A! U-S-A! drivel you'll ever see.

Reasons to hate this movie.

1. Forrest Gump himself. Tom Hanks thinks playing someone who is mentally slow equals having big wide eyes and, er, well, that's pretty much it. And saying really stupid, but supposed to be cute, things ("my name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump)". Ha ha ha, oh how witty. Doesn't he just warm your hearts, ladies and gentlemen? Eh, no.

2. The humourous coincidences throughout the movie. One would have been fine, a nice little knowing, "ahhhh", but Forrest unknowningly invents so many things (phrases, logo's) you half expect him to get zapped back in time to invent the wheel. It's stupid and corny.

3. Pulp Fiction.. that's PULP. FICTION was beaten to the Oscars by THIS syrup-laden, twee "all is well.. all is well.." crud-fest. That's just sick and wrong.

Nothing to see here, folks. Move along. Don't even think about buying.. run along there, that's it..

Review 18: Terminator 3 Rise Of The Machines DVD

Lower it into the burning pit.

Ah, the old Curmudgeon Spidey-Sense. Never fails. As much as I loved the two Terminator movies (first one especially), I had no good feeling about Terminator 3. And whaddya know? I was right.

First of all, the new female Terminator is RUBBISH. They really had shot themselves in the foot creating the T-1000 for T2, because there was no way they could ever have created something more intimidating, more of a genuine, unstoppable threat, than Robert Patrick's. And even though the T-X is 1000 times nicer to look at, she is nowhere near convincing enough. And Arnie's Terminator isn't the same either. It's a lame reprisal of a role, and whilst the jokes in T2 worked, here they grate (they just HAD to have a gay bar in, didn't they?)

This wouldn't be so bad if the original movies weren't so good. It's not as if this is some tacky sequel to a B-movie. But it not only tarnishes the originals, it makes them POINTLESS. Basically, "uh, yeah, all that stuff that happened in the first two movies, all the lives that were snuffed out, that was for nothing anyway. Sorry."

Inexcusable. Pretend it doesn't exist.

Review 17: Armageddon DVD

Suddenly the end of the world seems like a good idea.

Before I start on this crud, let me just say that The Curmudgeon is NOT a movie snob. It doesn't have to be black and white with subtitles for me to love it. I love big, dumb action movies as much as anyone - GOOD, big dumb action movies. Arnie movies (well, some) spring to mind, or Face Off - dumb as a bag of rocks, but still cool.

Then there's this. It's dumb, it's loud - and it's really, really BAD.

So the world's going to end, a big meteor is gonna come smashing into earth. Who ya gonna call? Er, Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck and Steve Buscemi, amongst others. Not my immediate choice, but Bruce and Steve can pretty much do no wrong in my eyes (well, until this..) so fair enough.

To say the script is piffle would be too nice. It is full of some of the most overblown, mawkish drivel I've ever heard (the "Animal Shapes" scene has to be seen to be believed) and any film, ANY, that succeeds in making Steve Buscemi annoying(!) is just plain evil in my books.

There's not many films that have you wishing for a big rock to smash into the earth and end it all. This is one of them.

Review 16: Rooster - Rooster CD

Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.

I know this is an American site, and so you may not have heard of these saps from the UK before. Hopefully you never will, but I thought I'd give you fair warning to switch over if ever you see/hear their bland, poor man's Bon Jovi attempts at rock music for 12 year old girls.

You can see the marketing men having a field day with these guys. "Hmm.. music's nice and unoffensive, could be played on radio.. lead singer looks like someone from Smallville or something, that face could be a poster on any kids wall... SOLD!"

Don't be fooled. The first single, "Come Get Some" (ugh) is a loathsome attempt at being "edgy", a dire "hey, we RAWK" abomonation that surely didn't fool anyone. And then, batten down the hatches, 'cos heeere come the ballads. It really is awful stuff. Crap name, crap songs, crap band - but no doubt heading to an MTV near YOU.

Don't say I didn't warn you.