Review 90: Khia - My Neck My Back

Yet another skank-anthem clogs up the charts.


God almighty, but The Curmudgeon shudders to imagine the kind of pond-life that bought THIS single, a dire attempt to be sexy and shocking, but resulting in something that's as erotic as waking up next to the corpse of the Notorious BIG.

So, we have all the right boxes ticked to get the scum to buy it - rude words, rude video - kerchiiing. Never mind that the song is tedious beyond belief, or that the singer looks like Bobby Brown on the single cover - listen! She's saying rude words! All the time! Buy, buy, buy!

It really is a sorry excuse for a song, and what the cretins that bought it don't realise is that the likes of, say, Prince, could knock out something far sexier as an afterthought. But all the stupid, easily pleased yo-yo knickered harlots bought this anyway because, once again - she says rude words! All the time!

Feeble.

Review 89: Dead or Alive - You Spin Me Round (Like A Record)

Re-released for ALL the wrong reasons.

It's a sad fact that this is going to be, let's face it, the only song Pete Burns is famous for. Dead Or Alive could have 30 albums under their belt, but this is the only thing the great unwashed are going to remember.

Ah yes - the great unwashed. The general public. The scum. Let's talk about them, because they are the main reason this song is a hit in the UK charts again. Now, 6 months ago the scum couldn't have told you who Pete Burns was if you'd threatened to set a dog on them. But now, everyone knows him, along with a dozen other relics desperate for cash and attention - Celebrity Big Brother.

Now, if there's one thing that gets the scum excited its television with the word "Celebrity" in the title. But if there's two other words that get the scum salivating like rabid loons - it's Big Brother. The daddy of them all, the one we can all point our finger at and blame for the state of television - the king of the most wretched, loathsome source of "entertainment" - reality television.

I don't blame Pete Burns. Even HE says he's sick of this song. I don't blame the record companies - they're out to make cash any way they can, and if they can dust off a twenty year song to make some quick and easy cash, why shouldn't they? No - I blame the scum. The most easily pleased, empty headed, "tell us what to buy and we will" pathetic cretins that fill the charts with manufactured reality television spawned monstrosities, fill the TV schedules with brain-numbing, identikit reality programs, the people that don't have a single original thought in their stupid, thick heads. SCUM. These parasites wouldn't play this record for a bet six months ago, now they feel like it's "theirs". And all because of some soul-sucking television show.

A great song, of course, but what a tragic turn of events that it has to become popular again in THIS way. If you watched that program, if you bought this single because of that program, you are simply not good enough to be reading this review.

Review 88: Various Artists - What's Goin' On?

God almighty - what IS going on??

OK, bare with me people - this one's going to be tough. I mean, one look at the names on this charity EP are enough to give any normal person nightmares; Nelly, J-Lo, Moby, Fred Durst.. it's like one giant super-suck attack. And that's just what they do to this timeless classic - attack it, rip out its heart and leave a ghastly, noisy pointless mess.

So, the radio version is up first, which has well known political persona's like Justin Timberlake and Fred Durst telling us how bad the world is. The gimmick of the video is that they're all blindfolded. Pity those blindfolds didn't all slip and we could have had the world's first mass hanging. Certainly clean the music world up a bit. Anyway, it's rubbish, a poor attempt at a milestone hit. But, oh Lord, there's more to come.

The "London" version (recorded in, ah, London. Lucky it wasn't Skegness) has the likes of Bono and Chris Martin from dull uber-band Coldplay. You will no longer fear Hell after you hear Chris Martin sing this song. It is quite easily the worst thing you'll hear all year. Keep trying to hit those high notes, Chris. Gaaaaah.

And next, it's your pal and mine - Moby. Now, spooky fact, Moby used to make rock records, and damn fine ones as well. These days he's happy to put out any old new-age plinky plonky crap, get some woman to sing over it, put the song on about twenty adverts for supermarkets and Vauxhall cars and count the cash. Somehow I think the "message" got lost in this one..

But if the message got lost in Moby's, it's well and truly baffled and lying in its own urine when it comes to Fred Dursts attempt. Words can't express how bad this actually is - because it's EXACTLY the same as every other Limp Bizkit song. There's loud guitars. Fred speaks in that stupid "I can't sing, so I'll speak the words I don't shout" voice, and then bellows at you. I can really see this comforting the victims of either AIDS or 9/11 or whatever the Hell they're pretending this is for. Yeah, when you think of mending broken hearts and wounds that don't heal - you think Limp Bizkit.

There's a few other versions thrown on here, all from faceless hip hop puppets and pop idiots, all singing a song they don't deserve to and singing for a cause they probably don't understand. It's a sad state of affairs when THIS is what gets passed off as an event in music.

And you would think that they would at least put the original version on here? I dunno, for good measure, or good taste or something? No - that would make sense. "What's Going On?" You, me and every person on this record have absolutely NO idea.

Review 87: Christina Aguilera - Car Wash.

An absolute career low for all concerned.

Make no mistake about it, as hot as Christina is, she's made some dreadful records in the past. The self-indulgent syrup of "I Turn To You" (worryingly already releasing overblown mush on her first album), the unconvincing "hey, I'm down with The Coloureds" strop of "Can't Hold Us Down" and that song with Ricky Martin where she looked like a more plastic Malibu Stacy. Still, nothing can compare to the sheer horror of THIS horrendous piece of plastic.

Yes, Car Wash, the song pretty much everyone knows, and certainly one no-one wants to hear again. Given a by-the-numbers, "will this do?" cover by Christina, and the biggest, one-trick pony in hip hop - Missy Elliot. Once considered ground breaking, (and that was just her weight), she's now decided to be seen with every meal-ticket going, adding her (lack of) charm to the likes of Ciara. How this women gets away with the drivel she puts out is simply beyond me.

Anyway, this song. It's lazy. It's cynical. It's boring. Hell, even Christina sounds bored. It's the soundtrack to singers counting the money and reading the lyric sheet in front of them. Worst of all, it was for that laughter vaccum of a movie "Shark Tale". So, uh, why would there be a car wash underwater? Abysmal.

Review 86: Mariah Carey - The Emancipation Of Mimi

Screaming Mimi.

Hilarious comedy-sized, er, "lungs" aside, Lord knows what we've done to deserve Mariah Carey over the years. True, the whole "Glitter" debacle was fun, (always nice to see a "diva" self-destruct) but now, sadly, she's selling records by the shed load again. And God alone knows why.

Throughout the charts, you'd be hard pushed to find a more cold, clinical approach to apparently soulful music. Mariah seems to think that just because she CAN hit such high notes, she has to do it in every single song, where it only further detracts from any sense of realism or depth. The music is rubbish to begin with, of course, with laughable, cliched syrupy love nonsense that is so bland and uninspired you imagine she only retreats into her high pitched wails and yelps to get away from singing them. Worse still, she's now further into her "ghetto" image, so instead of standing around with people who she normally would cross the street to avoid, she's also now attempting to sound like them. Newsflash - it doesn't work.

Of course, these rappers are here to provide street cred, but these people are bought more easily than the bling they're obsessed with. It's not a sign of how much they respect her as an artist, it's a sign that her record company can afford them.

Anyway, it's garbage. Mariah Carey stopped making good records.. well, after her first single, actually. This is another in the long line of bad ones, and you can't help but pray that "Mimi" is banged up and shipped straight back to the slave ships.

Review 85: The Darkness - One Way Ticket To Hell.... And Back!

Hate to say I told you so but..

Hey, I TOLD YOU SO. Yes indeed, way back in The Curmudgeon's list of musical mishaps was The Darkness and their first album which, while being very popular, was complete junk. And here's the second album - which is exactly the same. But, and here's where I was right, without the very popular part. Or indeed, the popular.

It's funny, you won't believe the hate mail I got for my review of the first Darkness record. I was told that "The Darkness are our saviours" (Ho ho ho, I'm sorry, that's very cute) and that I obviously don't appreciate "real" rock music. Well, if your definition of "real" is ugly nonces dressing up for cheap laughs with even cheaper songs, hiding behind crap lyrics with a grating falsetto well, guess what? You don't know what "real" rock music is either.

Right from the first single, it was clear The Darkness' days were numbered. "One Way Ticket.." is NO "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" (the ONLY thing this novelty band will be remembered for). It's a tired pastiche of every 80's hair band you've ever heard, only without any of the good bits you remember.

What's REALLY funny about The Darkness, though - is that Justin Hawkins clearly believed he was something extra special. The mammoth sales of the first album obviously went to his head, as his bloated ego took a swipe at other bands (real bands, mind you) and they claimed to be "the saviours of rock and roll - again!" Not quite this time, eh boys? Because this album didn't go to number one. It came in near the bottom end of the top ten and then sank without trace.

That's the trouble with these joke bands. Once the joke wears thin, where else can they go? Well, if the truly DIRE second single "Is It Just Me" is anything to by, it's a one way ticket to bargain bin hell - and they won't be coming back from that.

Review 84: The Andy Milonakis Show Season One

The unfunniest show on televison?


Good ol' MTV. Not content with giving Bam Margera reason to stink up the screen, they give this hopeless, unfunny guy his own show. And wow - is it ever bad. Want to know what's worse than someone who isn't funny? Someone who isn't funny but THINKS they're funny - and being given a TV show to prove it.

Whilst some would pretend to call this show "off-beat" and "irrelevant" and then blaspheme and try and mention it in the same sentence as, say, Monty Python, what other shows of this nature (obscure, wacky, "zany", for want of a better word) have that this program doesn't is someone funny starring in it. Oh, and funny people writing it. They seem to have forgotten that in this.

So, we have fat boy Andy doing totally, like, outrageous things dude, along with funny music (because what we are watching is funny, see?) He annoys strangers! He wastes peoples time! He shouts a lot! Hey, aren't you rolling around on the floor yet either?

Do you know what the ONLY funny thing is? Andy Milonakis himself. You see, he'd like all you MTV watching kids out there to believe that he's just like you, some goofball kid of 14. But he's not - he's 30, with a growth defect. Now, I'm no expert on comedy, but THAT, my friends, is funny.

Not sure if this garbage is getting another series or not (the first deservedly tanked) but if it does hopefully we'll see Andy's growth defect go full scale, going past the 14 year old boy look right back to toddler age and then finally obliterating him from this earth.

Review 83 - Gareth Gates and Will Young - The Long And Winding Road

A double dose of dreadfulness.


This is going back a few years now, but the memory of this number one(!) travesty still haunts The Curmudgeon. Take two pop idol drones - the winner, and the other one (that the record company wanted to win) and pair them up. Fresh from Will Young's number one cover of a Westlife song, and fresh from Gareth Gates number one cover of the Righteous Brothers song (notice a trend here?) they were paired off, in much the same way as dog owners would mate their respective pooches. Well, it's easy money, isn't it? Especially if you cover a Beatles song. And just to make it even more bankable, get the cute one (that's, you know, not gay or anything like that) to sing an Elvis song. Ker-ching. Instant number one thanks to the pondlife that buy these horrible things.

And, oh mercy, is it ever horrible. Quite simply one of the worst cover versions of all time, what is surprising about The Long And Winding Road is the poe-faced sincerity of it all, and the record labels attempt to trick the listener into thinking this is something special, when in reality it's two whiney puppets slowly beating a classic song to death, all the while thinking their pained, touching vocals add anything to the song, when in fact it makes it more boring than, well, watching Pop Idol.

As for the double A-side cover of Suspicious Minds? Close your eyes, think of someone who doesn't actually like the song but is being told to sing it - THERE. That's what it sounds like.

A deeply woeful single and, in a long, long list of reality television spawned atrocities, this ranks up there as one of the very worst.

Review 82: Shane Ward - That's My Goal

Truly, welcome to the suck.

And this year's crud-fest winner, the person who received the most votes from every brain-dead glossy eyed plankton watching ..... who even CARES anymore?

Yet another drone pulled off the production line, this gimp being another in the long run of Inoffensive Handsome White Boys, aimed primarily at stupid people and, judging by the popularity of this single, there are an awful, awful lot of.

So let's talk about the single. With the exception of the excrement that was last years winner (Steve Brookstein, currently Missing In Action - yet another one-hit wonder who we'll never see again) first (and only) solo attempt - the dire Phil Collins cover, this is easily the worst actual attempt at a SONG yet.

Originally planned for Westlife, "That's My Goal" was panned and rejected by them (THEM! Westlife!) for being too weak, but it sure wasn't weak enough for Shayne Ward, currently number one for the fourth week running as I type this.

But what does that MEAN, exactly? I'll tell you - nothing. The general public are SUCH idiots, such pathetic, "tell us what to buy and we will" easily led cretins, that they would buy ANYTHING after seeing it on a reality program. Shayne Ward could have released a record of him whistling the Marmite theme and it would have gone straight to number one.

And it's going to continue, isn't it? This was a massive hit, the show was a massive hit, so we're going to continue to be bombarded with bland, generic singers and pointless songs like this. If you BOUGHT this junk, or if you WATCHED this junk, The Curmudgeon holds YOU personally responsible. You should be ASHAMED of yourself for bringing yourself down to the gutter masses, watching this easily-digestible pond-life program, and buying its cynical, disgusting products.

One day, I hope to live in a world where television is not swamped by reality television, where TV schedules and budgets are not ruled by programs aimed at the great unwashed, where the charts are not in the vice-like grasp of dire TV talent show winners (and losers). That, ladies and gentlemen, THAT, is my goal.

Review 81: Ronan Keating - Ten Years Of Hits

The adventures of Captain Bland and The Unremarkables.

Sadly, it would seem a lengthy (in pop terms) career and a strong fan-base are no real estimations of quality. Look no further to prove that point than Mr Ronan Keating, formerly of Boyzone (to quote Noel Gallacher - "a costume change away from the Tweenies") and who himself has amassed a string of hits while his other band members faded into obscurity. Really, what DID we do to deserve this man?

Ronan Keating, I'm sure his press would want you to believe The Mr Nice of Pop. Which, translated, means he's so insufferably BORING you feel some clever entrepreneur could bottle him and sell him off as sleeping tablets. He really is the most vapid, uninteresting non-event to grace the charts in some time. And yet his records sell by the shed-load. Why? Because the people that buy them are either stupid girls or stupid housewives. And there are an AWFUL lot of stupid girls and stupid housewives out there.


This banality transfers into the music seamlessly, and it's not in the countless ballads and cover versions it's most noticeable, but on the hilarious attempts to be "cool" that Ireland's own Ronan comes across as your embarrassing uncle turning up at the school disco and trying to boogie. Watch the excruciating video to "Lovin' Each Day - (see, he says LOVIN' - that means he's edgy).

I don't know how popular this guy is over in America, but over here a new album is reason to mourn like you've lost a prized pet. Four (at least) more singles, four more videos to be rotated non-stop on the music channels, all of the same dull, pedestrian, moribund pop music. Dire.

Aw, Begorrah, Ronan - you really do suck.

Aiiiiieeeeeeee!

That was supposed to be a scream. Sorry.

OK, I want you all to sit back and, what's the word? Ah yes - reminisce. We're here to talk about horror movies, but not to list your top ten or anything like that (although feel free). I'm here to talk about those scenes in certain movies that, for want of a better term, scared the ever-lovin' blue eyed shit out of you.

You know what I mean; certain parts of certain films that made the back of your neck tingle and for you to shrink back into your couch. You may have been young or it may have been last week. Here's mine..

1. Night Of The Living Dead.

One of my all time favourite movies now, when I first watched this on TV as a young Curmudgeon with my mother. The entire first half hour just scared the hell out of me. The fact that it wasn't a "ZING" jump where the bad guy is suddenly behind the dumb blonde, the fact it wasn't at night in a spooky old house. It was in broad daylight, in a normal looking cemetery - and they watched the zombie come towards them the whole time. That freaked me out.

2. Psycho II.

I still think this film is one of the most under-rated sequels of all time. And this one scene stayed in my head YEARS, and I mean YEARS, after I first saw it. I think I must have been about ten, and the scene where the young couple are down in the cellar making out when they hear someone coming. They look through the window of the cellar and see Norman stomping about in his mother's dress. They don't move.. until dumbass girl slips on a log. THIS BIT - where Norman's head jerks round to the window - will stay with me forever.

Hell, I've only ever seen it once - all that time ago - and I can STILL remember that bit. Fantastic!

3. Blair Witch Project

A far more recent effort, and I think the last horror film to make me shiver. You probably know which parts (it had two). The first, in the tent, when the girl asks "is that a baby crying?" and then the tent gets pushed in by unseen hands. And of course, the last bit where the screaming chick sees her cameraman facing the wall. On paper it means nothing. On camera it just.. rocked. And made your old IHM squirm in his cinema seat.

4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Another recent one (and no - not the remake). I had never seen this until they released it for a limited cinema run (it was still banned for domestic release). I'd say most of this film scared me like I hadn't been in YEARS - hell, I was actually wanting the violence to END, something I hadn't felt since I was about seven. The first appearance of the Hitchiker was bad enough, but THAT chase scene through the forest almost had me blubbing into my friends shoulder.

OK - hopefully I haven't dented my reputation TOO much with those four confessions. Anyone else willing to step forward?

DVD Discussion Two:

DVD Extra Features - Does anyone bother with them anymore?


First off, apologies for using a dull, shit picture twice. But hey - you try finding a decent (and funny) picture to go with DVD's.

Now then; The Curmudgeon is a right old sucker for deluxe, special, definitive, ultimate, extreme, uncut edition DVD's. And judging by the array of Special Edition discs out there - so is everyone else.

Controversial statement time - I hardly watch any extra's any more.

I dunno what it is. The first DVD I got (Night Of The Living Dead, fact fans) I watched everything on the disc. I watched the movie two more times with both commentaries and the same went for The Blair Witch Project (which was, I think, my second).

Now? I buy two disc DVD's, watch the movie and very rarely bother with the extra's. In fact, the first major extra I watched recently was that mammoth 2 hour documentary on the Indiana Jones boxset. I love that sort of thing, but, like I said - I don't bother with them all that much now.

Maybe its the novelty value of DVD's waring off. Maybe we've seen enough behind the scenes gubbins and talking heads gushing about what an honour it was to work with the director. Who knows? Hell, I couldn't tell you the last time I listened to a feature length commentary (although I do listen to every single Simpsons commentary - 'cos they're just a joy to listen to).

So, anyway - am I alone here, or has anyone else been burned out by DVD extra features?

DVD Discussion One:

HD DVD - Are you interested?

We all remember that glorious day. The day when we bought our first DVD. That shiny disc. Those neat extra's. It was a glorious time, and we wasted none of it kicking VHS where it belonged - the Bin Of Shame.

And let's face it, it hasn't been THAT long since we all bought that first DVD, and already some poncey upstart is telling us that this brilliant piece of innovative, revolutionary technology is, in fact - shit. That the REAL way forward is HD DVD.

What I don't get is - honestly, what REAL difference is it going to make? Better sound and picture quality than DVD's? Remember the old ads that came out for DVD's? "The sound is infinitely clearer.." Oh yeah? So what's HD DVD then? Infinity plus one?

And so the storage space is bigger. So what? Dunno about you guys, but I'm happy with two disc sets and 6 disc boxsets. One - it looks cool, and two - you feel you're getting that requisite bang for your buck.

The Curmudgeon is not convinced, and I (vainly) hope HD DVD is going to go the way of the Laser Disc and be for "buy everything" fan boys only.

Any thoughts?

Attack Of The Clones!

Too many Curmudgeons?

I'll be honest first off - I don't really have any idea what I'm doing with this whole "blog" thing. I didn't research it, I didn't look at others people's to get an idea of what to do - I just wanted a place where myself and like minded people could "hang out." And I did that (right?), but every so often I do flick through the options of Blogger to see if there's anything I could do to improve the Fortress. Hell, for all I know you can post whilst "Purple Rain" plays in the background and images of naked women pop up.

Anyway, on one such browse, I decided to see what would happen if I typed "The Curmudgeon" into the Blogger search engine.

The results were depressing. There are DOZENS of other Curmudgeon's on this site. Now, you and I know there's only one true Curmudgeon, and that's your old pal the Irresponsible Hate Monger. But what makes it worse is that these phoneys come WAY before me in the search engine, so anyone looking up the words "Curmudgeon" will have to scroll through about twenty odd pages before they stumble upon The Fortress.

Question to anyone that might know - is there any way I can get this site bumped up a bit? I mean, hells bells, some of these search results just have some MENTION of the word "Curmudgeon", like, "oh my dog was such a curmudgeon today". And all the while Your New Favourite Site is going ignored. Any ideas to rectify this travesty?

Meanwhile, The Curmudgeon is going to set out on a (friendly.. ish) mission, to seek out strange, new Curmudgeons. To boldly go onto these other Curmudgeon blogs and push my weight around a bit and try and get some hits. We'll see what happens.

The Fortress Salutes....

Click your heels together, folks! It's another new segment!

Time for something a bit different, Dwellers. Now, here in the Fortress Of Solitude talking about what we HATE is a big deal. But we also talk about what we LIKE, and this is firmly in that category.

This is YOUR chance to "give props", as the street kids say (round about 1994, probably) to one of your idols. Someone who's made YOUR world a cooler place to be. Could be a musician or band that have constantly been your choice of listen, could be an actor or a director - Hell, it can be anyone you want. Just remember - whenever you see Steve Rogers above saluting, you know it's tribute time.

I'm not after a career analysis or an essay on the subject of choice. Just what they mean to you and why they deserve to be saluted by The Fortress Of Solitude. So if you DO have anyone you'd like to nominate - you know the drill. Send your little piece to me (the_curmudgeon_hates_you@yahoo.co.uk) and I'll give it a thread of its own.

Anyway, I'll start the ball rolling with a little salute of my own.

The Curmudgeon and The Fortress Of Solitude salutes.... Prince.

Ever since I was old enough to actually appreciate music I've been into Prince. I remember my brother had the Diamonds and Pearls CD (which he got for nothing from some "Join Now, Get Free CD's And Then Give Us Your Testicles" club) and I had always liked the song "Gett Off" which my friends older brother used to play. So I, er, "borrowed" the Diamonds And Pearls album with the idea of listening to that one song. Fate had other ideas...

After the Diamonds and Pearls album had went down a treat, I bought the Hits album 2, then basically every other Prince CD I could lay my hands on. I didn't just like the music, I liked everything about him. The mystique, the snotty attitude, the between song banter on some albums - everything. Plus, I LOVED the fact that I was the only kid in my entire school that liked Prince. It was kind of "my thing". Prince was the first gig I ever went to, where I bought a big symbol necklace and then.. well, went a bit strange.

This was during the whole Artist Formerly Known As.. stage, which I ADORED. I thought the name change to an unpronounceable symbol was so unusual and so original - that I decided to steal it for myself. At school I "killed off" my original name, and began poncing around the school (with dyed black hair) calling myself The Artist Formerly Known As.. (real name - that's a secret.)

Oddly enough, I didn't get beat up. I didn't get shunned. Hell, it worked a treat. Even my teachers began to acknowledge it (well, some of them) and I remember my friends bought me a "Happy 1st Birthday" card after a year (they remembered the day I "died" - awwww).

Well, all that fun and games wasn't exactly yesterday, but Prince is still a key factor in my life. The day I turned 18 I got the symbol tattooed on my arm (hurt like a bitch, too). Hell, before I called myself The Curmudgeon I called myself Tora Tora after a Prince alter ego, and even now my sign off signature in every discussion board is "Don't Abuse Children Or Else They Turn Out Like Me" from "Papa". I like other bands and still buy CD's but Prince is still the number one artist in my collection. I've got over 1100 CD's but the Prince ones are where the true love lies. I've been to about 80 or 90 gigs but that first one with Prince is still the best (nothing could match that giddy butterfly feeling in my stomach watching him come out on a moving pedestal..)

After a brief spell from the limelight, Prince appears to be as hot as ever. His new album 3121 went top ten in the UK and number one in America, and he seems to be the key name for other artists to drop in conversation (Pharrel Williams, for example, on who we would like to work with the most; "Oh, let's see.. Prince. Prince. Prince. Prince - and then Prince."

I love the music, I love the attitude (live on stage, talking about miming - "if they don't play their instruments then boo them off the stage!"), the androgynous look, the shameless sexuality, the peerless guitar work, the effortlessly catchy pop songs. He is quite simply the reason I own a CD player.

Prince - The Curmudgeon salutes you, now and forever.



There. That didn't hurt. Feel free to comment on this gushing tribute, or compose one of your own...

I'm Watching You..

Doctor Who - "Season Two", then.

Yes, I know its not really Season Two, but to a lot of people who never watched the show before, it is. And hey, if the BBC themselves call it that, who am I to argue?

That's one of the beauties of this show, though; you don't have to have had a 40 year history of the Doctor to follow what's going on, as they fill you in on any nods to the past, so the old fans can appreciate the reference and new fans don't feel left out.

I must admit to being somewhat of a new fan myself. I've watched the odd episode of Doctor Who before (well, quite a few episodes, actually) but I've never been an avid fan (I mean, Jesus, where do you start? "Hmm.. I think I'll try and track down the very early 60's episodes first - even the ones that were destroyed").

Anyway, THIS season marked the first run of the new Doctor (David Tennant) after the Christmas episode and... gotta say, as much as I liked him at first (and really didn't think I would, given how much I liked Christopher Eccelston), his over-egged performances have really begun to grate on me. Whereas first he could be seen as eccentric, now he's just downright irritating with his smug manner, stupid gurning and high pitched squawking. Also, Rose Tyler (Billie Piper's) character was once the building blocks of the entire show. Her believable, realistic performances kept the show grounded, but as the show progressed she became just as smug as the Doctor, and she went from being someone we wanted to have sex with to someone we wanted to smash her head off a wall (and then have sex with).

*SPOILER*

So, Season Two, then. Even though the writers are still apparently obsessed with London, it served up some superb slices of sci-fi. From the unashamed blub fest that was the reunion between Sarah Jane Smith and the Doctor (and K-9! Yaaaay!) (which was, for me, one of the best episodes) to the first look at the new Cybermen to the exciting carnage of the Season finale (regardless of embarrassing "banter" between the Daleks and the Cybermen), Doctor Who continued to be enjoyable, likeable and addictive television, leaps and bounds over any other mainstream, Saturday night television in the last ten years. It wasn't without its faults though; the Doctor's irritating traits and the utter, insulting hogwash that was the Peter Kay episode could have turned off viewers. But with Rose gone their overly chummy mannerisms are now gone, leaving hopefully a broken, alone Doctor instead of the doe-eyed, holding hands and hugging Doctor from this season.

So, onto Season three. First impressions aren't good, with Catherine Tate, the Official Unfunniest Women In Britain making a guest cameo as what appears to be a spoilt brat bride cliche. I really wish the writers would get away from this "let's get a guest star in that the idiot public will know." First Peter Kay - who was rubbish, and now her. Note to BBC - stop it. But I've seen the new assistant who will probably debut in the Christmas episode, and she looks mighty fine. Hopefully she'll be just that - an assistant. Not an equal, not a love interest - someone to ask questions, argue with the Doctor, get into trouble, get rescued - and look good doing it. We can but hope.

Till then, you just KNOW I'm going to be saving my pennies for the nice new Cybermen head boxset thing (pics, anyone?) And so should you, because, for its faults, Doctor Who is still very much worth it.

Dweller Contribution: Invisible Wolfman Writes...

One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (And Into The Window)

Hello fellow Fortress dwellers! InvisibleWolfMan here, taking a chance on his first blog entery ANYwhere (thanks, The Curmudgeon!)

Conspiracy theories. Some are cool like Area 51and The Men In Black (no Will Smiths here). Some are confusing with their political ties like who really shot JFK and the events surrounding Sept.11th. Some are just pure trash like faking the moon landing of 1969 and George Lucas not owning a single print of the original theatrical versions of the STAR WARS Trilogy (how was that process of color correction comparisons for the 2004 S.E.'s, Georgie? That's nice...). I like to read them, not that I buy into ALL of them, but one must realize that every GOOD theory has to be based on some truths. I enjoy conspiracy theories as a way to think "what if..." every now and then just to keep me on my toes

Then there's a friend of mine who's adapted them as a way of life.

Oh, if only I could say he was laughable or even (dare I use it) "devilishly charming" with these theories! Unfortunately, it's not the case. Nope....he's out to save my very soul along with the rest of the world in an effort to expose the truth and name the one individual who's behind it all because he's not out to make any money with his book he's writing on it at all because that's superficial and against his belief that he just wants the truth to finally be exposed.

Seriously.

It was harmless at first, listening to him. A "times have changed since we were young" here, a "government ignoring the people" there....typical discussion for almost anyone out there. Then he started getting deeper...and deeper...and deeper still. It went from talking about how we don't agree with Bush's actions as of late to "the Vatican has secret assassins." Yep....assassins.

Fantastic.

Now, had it been the only time I would have laughed it off. Sadly, it seemed every time I met up with him he had something new to add to it. I'm not gonna go into specifics as it'd take FOREVER to type up all that he said...and I barely remember a quarter of it. Let's just say that he's concluded that the Catholics are in league with Satan. Bizarre as it sounds, that's only the surface!

Talking with him has become such a chore that I dread seeing him anymore. Sometimes I have no way out of that as we both have children that are roughly the same age and it's good for our child to have a playmate in a similar situation (we are Americans living abroad in Finland). And with his recent decision who's behind all of (dare I even type it) "this" has also thrown me for a real loop. A celebrity. One celebrity that because of his religion, a movie he directed and a line from one of his most famous films , has been "stealing" my friend's "creativity."

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ.

This has forced me to realize that although I have a long, quiet patience on putting up with his nonsense....if he dared to tell me any more the next time I would probably be forced to tell him off once and for all. I may try to be understanding to other people and their personal beliefs, but when I think that someone has finally hit a dangerous point (and believe me...he has) there's a time to draw the line. Too many hours doing too much research on this has made him paranoid.

So a word of the wise, Fortress dwellers....if you hear a conspiracy theory and your friend wants to explain further than you're willing to go:

JUST SAY NO!

CD Singles....

Do you still buy them?

Once upon a time, boys and girls, for The Curmudgeon, a new single by an artist or band I "followed" was something of an event. And with good reason, too. Often CD singles were released in two parts, and with that meant..

1. Cool limited packaging (fold out digi packs, tins, 3" CDs).
2. Bonus tracks, which could be new songs, cover versions, live tracks..

Back In The Day (ugh! I do apologise) these bonus tracks could be better than the actual single itself, and when you added up the tracks from singles released you often had a full albums worth to enjoy. There were often three tracks (or more) on each single. Like I said - CD singles could be something very special indeed. Hell, take Prince - his "Cream" and "Gett Off" maxi singles weighed in at over 35 minutes each.

Changed days now, though. The incentive purchase of tins and posters and whatever else they packed along with the single are now banned. Also, a 3 track single is now known as a "maxi" single, but can still only be less than twenty minutes long or its not eligible for the charts. The other part of the single can only be two tracks.

Basically, then - less songs for the same money. I can't help but think we're being ripped off.

It's probably a sign that the majority of the new music that has come out over the last year or so has not been to The Curmudgeon's liking, but I've bought very few CD singles. Or maybe its the fact that I grudge buying the odd CD single now for the title track and some tatty, worthless remix. Which is basically what you're looking at in CD singles nowadays.

And now there's downloading, which is becoming more and more popular with each coming week (more and more acts are charging into the top ten on download sales alone). So the very nature of the single - title track you bought the thing for, and undiscovered rarity that comes with it) will soon be gone forever. Record companies aren't going to waste time with B-sides if they don't need to. "What's that? Give you another song when we don't need to? No no - you download the one track and we'll charge you for this other one".

It's a sad, sad state of affairs. So what about you then, Dweller? Are CD singles still important in YOUR life?

Three strikes and out?

Question: Why do movie franchises all seem to bow out on the third one?

Think of some recent movies that have reached their second sequel: Mission Impossible III, Blade III, X-Men III, Matrix Revolutions, Spy Kids 3-D.. what do they all have in common? They're all the last part of their respective franchises. No big surprise there - and that's the problem. It's almost compulsory now for movies to end after the third movie. It's not a recent thing; think Back To The Future, Godfather, Die Hard, Naked Gun.. it's a long-standing tradition.

Now, Spider-Man 2 was barely out and people were talking Spidey 3 and how it would be "the last one". Pirates Of The Caribbean has been announced that it will be a three movie franchise.

I don't get it. Sure, with the likes of Lord Of The Rings they couldn't (and shouldn't) make any more (thank GOD for that, bloody awful movies) but surely if there's good writers and the same inventiveness, charm, laughs, action/whatever that was in the original movie then why not try and make a long running franchise?

Look at James Bond. 20 odd movies in and (odd duffer aside) there's been no dipping in that franchise's popularity. Harry Potter isn't exactly going to go straight to video with his fifth, sixth and seventh movie outing.

I guess I just hate to see things with promise end. When Spidey 3 comes out, if they're true to their word, then it will be a sad day indeed. Endless possibilities with characters as rich as Spidey and co shouldn't be confined to 6 hours of screen time. If the story is there, if the writers are there - then surely the show must go on?

I mean, imagine the limitless possibilities of:

Snakes on A Plane sequels>

Time Wasters, Please!

It's that time again...

Thought it's been a while since we had our usual crop of funny vids and links. And I have a themed bunch for you here. Wrestling related blunders. The joy of live TV, eh?

Here's one of Sid Vicious/Justice trying to sound both dangerous and intelligent, and failing in both. Watch Scott Hall (guy with stubble) burst out laughing in the ring.

Here's the late great Owen Hart messing up trying to sound snotty and hard. You can see he realised he made a mistake..

And finally, here's good ol' Mean Gene trying not to laugh during this rambling, rubbish promo. You can just hear him thinking "OH SHUT UP!" Superb!

OH HELL YES!

Forget every other movie.

I know technically this should go in the "I'm Watching You" segment, but this is cool enough and big enough to warrant its own thread.

Spider-Man 3 - the official teaser trailer. Not just a logo or a shot of the black suit, but it also shows you Sandman, Hobgoblin and the symbiote crawling up Peter..

Watch it once. Watch it again. Discuss. Watch it again.

Notice to other movies in 2007 - just don't even bother.

I'm Watching You...

Gather round, Boys and Girls! It's time for a NEW permanent segment!

If you look back at the last Fortress statement, you'll notice I said there's going to be more threads. Well, this is one of them. And you may well see it a lot.

"I'm Watching You", an opportunity to talk about what film's we've been watching, or what TV show we recommend or even what book you're loving just now (I know it doesn't really fit in with the name but come on - "I'm Reading You" doesn't work.)

So whenever you see that gruesome image above, you can get ready to talk about what you've been watching.

A minor etiquette request first (not a rule, obviously). If you're talking about a film or a TV show you've seen and you're going to talk about a plot twist or a character leaving or dying or couples getting together or splitting up or basically anything that massively affects the storyline of the thing you're watching, would you do The Fortress and it's other Dwellers a favour? Type this..

SPOILER

Before you start. Just give the people who haven't seen it and care not to know what happens ample opportunity to scroll down. It's a small thing, but can make such a big impact on other people. Hell, I gave up visiting a wrestling website because people simply refused to write "SPOILER" in their thread headings. So it would read.. "I don't believe it.." - click thread and, "So and so is the new WWE champ!" Unbearable.
So, "SPOILER" first, please. All I ask. Fair enough if you're just giving an overall opinion on a film or show, such as "last weeks Dr Who was one of the worst things I have ever seen", then there's no need for any such warnings. Ah, you guys have floated around the net long enough. You know the drill.

Anyway, I'll start the ball rolling on our very first IWY. Went to the cinema to see two movies last week. United 93 (not a lot to say about that one - tense, unsettling, realistic.. if a little opportunistic.. guess when the DVD is coming out?) and.. X-Men 3.

I'll say this - it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. After directors walking about and main stars leaving (Nightcrawler, we hardly knew ye) it would be easy to imagine this as one sequel too far. But no - it was good. Not great, by any stretch of the imagination, but certainly entertaining enough. There were a plethora of new mutants which was both a good and a bad thing. Good in that, when the DVD comes out, the nerds among us (your humble narrator included) can pause and rewind and work out who they're supposed to be (did anyone else spot Psyloke?) Bad - there was just too many people in there to be given any real screen time. Potential great characters were all but ignored. A decent plot and some nice set pieces, not to mention Ian McKellan acting every single person off the screen again and, well.. it could have been better but it could have been a lot worse. A nice 2 disc DVD will sit nicely next to the others, thank you very much.

SPOILERS

First things first - The Juggernaut. What. The. Christ.

I admit I did tense up a little in excitement when they said "Cain Marko" before opening up his cell and then.. oh good God. The first words out of this charismatic wrecking machine? "I need a pee." Not only did they screw the entire character up, but they also forgot the fact that he is

a) Xavier's half-brother
and
b) not actually a mutant.

So the cute little trick at the end wouldn't have worked. I mean, if he was a mutant, why would he be WEARING that stupid suit in the first place? And the line "I don't swim" was bullshit as well, because it's happened a LOT in the comics where Juggernaut simply jumps into the sea and walks across it.

You know, if this was written by people who didn't really know the source material then that's one thing. Wouldn't be the first time a comic book character has turned into an entirely different beast, but when you have writers so obviously clued up as to include the lineI'm the Juggernaut, Bitch! (I couldn't BELIEVE that!), referring to a little-known internet animation, not to mention having Storm and Callisto having their famous fight, yet they don't give due respect to one of the most popular of all the Marvel villains? That's just not right.

Grumbles aside, it was pretty decent. If anyone saw the end we all know Charles survived and Magneto's getting his powers back. It was a big box office success (and there's still the DVD to come) so there may well be an X-Men 4. Hey - let's hope.



There, quick and painless. The very first "I'm Watching You". Feel free to comment on X-Men 3, United 93 or hell, anything you want.

To anyone else that missed the point...

Oooh, I've been itching to tell you lot this for a few days now. I got THIS e-mail last week..

"hey hate monger. your shits cool. i hate faggots too."

Before I continue, I'll let you see the reply.

"Dear half-wit.

I don't know where to start. I was going to ask what part of my "shit" you found cool (and I really hope you didn't mean literally) but you know what? I don't care. I imagine you're writing regarding an Amazon review of which you must have absolutley missed the point. Even if you didn't read any of my Amazon stuff, you obviously missed the point when it comes to The Curmudgeon. Did you see the Irresponsible Hate Monger nickname and form some dickwad idea as to what I'm about?

Because guess what genius - you've totally read me wrong if you think I hate "faggots". I don't. And guess what else? I don't hate blacks, I don't hate asians, I don't hate transexuals. Yeah, I hate people, but its got nothing to do with what colour their skin is or who they happen to enjoy screwing. It's who they ARE that defines if I hate someone. If a black guy is a dick - The Curmudgeon hates him. If a gay guy has an ignorant music taste and a disregard for quality - The Curmudgeon hates him. Bottom line - if I meet someone stupid, crass and full of pointless juvenile insults aimed at those that don't deserve it - then I hate them.

Which means - ding ding ding - The Curmudgeon hates YOU. Never e-mail me again."

You know, dammit, he was doing SO well at the start. Anyone who starts an e-mail with "hey hate monger" (albeit with a sad lack of any capital letters) is A-OK with me. But then to come out with that... tut tut.

Now then, I'm not on some "love your fellow man" trip here. Hate is good. Hate is cool. Hate is warm, fuzzy and awesome - but only for the right reasons. Here on the internet, hate can actually be the most fair, un-racist thing. You see, it doesn't MATTER what colour you are or what you look like or what sexuality you are. On the internet the ONLY thing that people can judge you on (and mark my words, The Curmudgeon DOES judge) is what you say. So if you're polite, smart, funny or whatever, it will show and The Curmudgeon will like you. If, on the other hand, you're like our racist friend above, or you can't string a sentence together without using text speak or you slate bands or movies you don't know or whatever - then THAT is when The Curmudgeon rolls up his sleeves, takes you outside and boxes your ears.

Just had to get that off my chest, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for your time.

Official Fortress Announcement (yes, another one).

The Curmudgeon is back in business!

Ugh - poetry. You know, I do quite like the stuff sometimes, but having to a) rip poems apart and discuss every line and word sucks and b) writing one yourself is bloody awful.

But it's done - and three days before deadline too. And so I can officially open up these old doors for business once again. Hurrah.

But that's not all this announcement is for. I'm here to tell YOU, the loyal Dwellers, that things are going to CHANGE around here. And my friends - for the better.

For a start, expect a LOT more threads. In the past the threads have always been about these grand sort of topics. One off kind of "we are going to talk about THIS today", and whilst they'll still continue, I want to get a more relaxed "this is how I'm feeling today" kind of mood. Don't worry, I'm not going to start telling you the hilarious things my cat did or anything like that, but I want to give YOU more to read and YOU more to talk about. Of course, feel free to mail me with anything you want to add yadda yadda.

Also, I am going to do my best.... no, the hell with that, I PROMISE you that there WILL be more Dwellers here soon. We happy few are still here, Hacker, Ben and Wolfman (The Originals) and that is cooler than cool. But there will be more people coming in here. Can't promise they'll be on our side so to speak, but expect a lot more activity in The Fortress Of Solitude than you've been used to.

As a side-note, once things begin to pick up and there's more threads popping up, do PLEASE remember to click on some of the older threads, or give others a heads up in one of the more recent threads that you've added to one that's dropped from the radar. It's a pain in the ass I know, but otherwise valuable contributions will go un-noticed. And that just doesn't wash in The Fortress.

Anyway, enough waffle. Study time is OVER (for about five weeks anyway), and The Curmudgeon is BACK. And, so, hopefully, are you...

Official Message From The Fortress Of Solitude

Worry not, Dwellers - I'm still here.

Regular visitors to the Fortress Of Solitude may have noticed a dip in new threads. Am I finally giving in to the inevitable and closing the site? Have I lost interest due to there STILL being no new members? Have I ran out of things to talk about?

A resounding NO, accompanied by that odd farting sound from Family Fortunes can answer all those sacrilegious questions. The real answer is far more boring and, ugh, real life.

Thing is, I am studying literature right now, and I have an assignment due next week. I have to write a poem (a POEM! Me!) and an essay about what the poem is about and whatever and.. well, I really need to concentrate on that. Besides a few scribbled notes here and there, I've done precisely squat. So unless I want a big fail, whenever I sit at the computer, most of the time I really need to be concentrating on that. In fact, I'm postponing my quest to get into arcade games via the PC until this is done. Can you imagine your humble narrator with 4000 arcade games on the very computer he's supposed to be writing an assignment on? Exactly.

I'll still be popping in and maybe starting the odd new topic this week, but I may not. As always, if there's any topic you want to start you can mail me it (the_curmudgeon_hates_you@yahoo.co.uk) and I'll post it for you but other than that, it's going to be a quiet old 7 or 8 days in The Fortress.

Now then.. Iambic pentameter... oh Christ.

Let's talk about video games..

Or, rather, let's talk about arcade games.

It's been one of The Curmudgeon's long standing dreams to own an actual arcade machine. I spent so much of my youth in those bleak, dingy arcade halls feeding coins into the damn things it seems like, I dunno - closure. Whatever, I want to go back into the old-skool arcade mentality where bunches of fruit lying on the ground equals points, where the background moving equals a new level and where genuine, honest to goodness GAMEPLAY was the key.

See, I've bought one of those arcade compilation things for the PS2, and it's absolutley superb. True, a few are dated beyond enjoyment, but there's the likes of New Zealand Story and Rainbow Islands and, to quote La Mode - I just can't get enough.

So here it is - opinion time. How do I go about feeding my addiction? Do I buy more arcade compilations for the PS2 (and there's loads), do I download them for my PC, do I buy an actual arcade machine, or do I get one of those Jamma things and build it up myself (which should be.. interesting).

Tell me.

Women in popular culture.

Do they MEAN anything to you?

Not wishing to sound sexist to any female Dwellers out there (well, you never know..) but I've been thinking recently about women in movies, music and television and I've come to the conclusion that, eye-candy factor aside, they are basically worthless.

Hear me out - on television comedy - any women on TV make you laugh? I certainly can't think of any. In sitcoms its always the guys who get top laughs (Friends would be a perfect example of that). Over here in Britain, Catherine Tate is regarded as the funniest women, and she's as funny as feeling a lump in your nuts. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but I certainly can't think of any women figures in comedy worth bothering with.

Movies, next. Now, we all have our favourite movie stars, the ones who'll make us go out there and watch the film even before knowing what its about. And don't the movie makers know it - take the War Of The World's ad campaign - "Spielberg. Cruise. 2006." Or how about "no one gives Schwarzenegger a Raw Deal". There's also the cult actors that don't have the top draw but you still root for (mine are Bruce Campbell, Brad Dourif and Jeffrey Combs). Is there any female actors (people don't seem to say actresses anymore, do they?) out there that have the same effect? Except when it comes to being hot, of course, but that's a different story. You never hear people say "oh, man - Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft? That's awesome - she's such a great actress." But you DO hear the same for male actors.

I suppose women do have a better standing in music, with the likes of Courtney Love (if she ever gets her act together) and Madonna, but, pop bands and artists (who are always hot) aside, they don't dominate the industry, commercially and critically, like the guys do.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's a whole host of female talent out there that I'm ignoring or forgetting that are popular without using their sexuality (ever notice that in movies, guys can look cool but be ordinary looking? Think the Reservoir Dogs poster - no models in that, but iconic and superb looking. Would you ever see a group of ordinary, fat women together having the same appeal?) Maybe I'm being some sort of sexual Neanderthal - or maybe I'm addressing a situation that needs to be sorted out. Or maybe its the way it was, the way it is and the way it always will be.

Which is it, Dwellers?

Anyone else bored with CGI animation?

CGI Movies - enough already!

It was bound to happen; one CGI cartoon movie does well and then more follow. But even I was surprised that, after Toy Story 2, the cinema listings seemed to fill with more and more cartoon movies, all super slick animation and voiced by big name stars. I suppose we could think of it as "too much of a good thing", but really, after Toy Story 2 the animation may have improved, but the overall quality of the movies have been in steady decline.

Hasn't stopped them coming though - check this little (not definitive) list out..

Bugs Life, Robots, Chicken Little, Ice Age (and sequel), Finding Nemo, Madagascar, The Wild, Monsters Inc, Shrek (and sequel), The Incredibles, Polar Express, Antz, Over The Hedge, Shark Tale..

Scary, isn't it? And with the impending Cars and Shrek III (God help us), plus about ten more that I probably haven't heard of, it looks like this animated bubble is about to burst.

personally, I am pig sick of all of them. I can only see so many shiny wide-eyed cute talking animals, all spouting glib remarks and post-modern dialogue. I can only stomach so many sassy, streetwise, hip-hop speaking creatures. The charm and style that Toy Story had is long gone (look no further than Shark Tale and Madagascar for where we're at now. Ever wanted to hear a lion say "that is off the chiz-ain"? No - I didn't either).

This isn't a plea for a boycott of CGI movies. It's not even a plea to return to traditional 2-D animation (it certainly wouldn't hurt though - was The Iron Giant any less awesome because it wasn't done on computer, that it was actually, GASP, drawn by hand?). It's asking that these film makers stop churning out these features, that were once novel and with tight, razor sharp jokes and engaging, involving plots.

But they're continuing to make money, so that's not going to happen for a long time yet. A real shame.

Official Message From The Fortress Of Solitude

Can't get on the site? Don't blame me - this program is SHIT.

Anyone who has been trying to log on and post in the last couple of days may have experienced a few problems. By a few problems I mean a "foot through the monitor" type annoyance level of the damn site never loading up.

I don't know why it's doing it. I don't know when it'll get up and running back to normal. I only use this thing, I don't know anything about it. Rest assured it's totally pissing The Curmudgeon off no end.

So just in case you're coming in here and NOT logging on, only waiting for new entries or replies to messages you've left. I'm not ignoring you and I've not ran out of bile to put down in written form. It's just Blogger.com SUCKS.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Superman is returning...

And here's what is wrong with it already.

First things first - The Curmudgeon is not a doom-monger. By that I mean I don't slate things for the hell of it. In cases like comic book movie adaptations, I WANT them to be excellent. I'm going to be buying it, after all. So even though Superman Returns isn't even out yet and I'm already trashing it, don't think I'm like one of those white-foam-at-the-side-of-the-mouth dicks on other internet sites, ready to cry "worst.movie.ever" just for kicks.

Clear? Alright. Superman Returns, then. Could be awesome, could be awful. Granted, the trailer had me hooked (it can be found on this very site somewhere as well.. you'll have to go exploring to find it) but there's been a few things that have bothered me about this film as soon as details started to come out about it.

First of all - Superman himself. Sorry, but Brandon Routh just doesn't cut it for me. I've been seeing his mug everywhere I go recently; T-shirts, posters, magazines, Fathers Day cakes ("for a Superdad", no less - ugh) and he just doesn't convince as Supes. It's obviously just, ahem - a guy in a suit. He looks like someone who would appear on the front of a Superman Costume Playset. Maybe he'll dazzle and shine on the big screen but for now - that ain't Superman to me. "But he looks eerily like Christopher Reeve" I've heard over and over again, which leads me, funnily enough, to my next gripe.

What is the OBSESSION with both Christopher Reeve and the Superman movies? What is both the desire to mould Brandon into some Reeve clone AND keep the storyline from the Superman movies going? Are we SERIOUSLY supposed to be able to watch Superman, Superman II and then Superman Returns seamlessly? Never mind the fact that the actors are completely different (man, those years have been kind to Lois - pity poor Lex went bald though), but I guarantee the tone and style of the movies will be 100% different, not to mention the characters themselves. Do you really expect Kate Bosworth's Lois Lane to be the same as Margot Kidder's croaky voiced howler? And will they play the "comedy" music for Lex Luthor as they did for Gene Hackman's version? I somehow doubt it. But never mind - Brandon just looks EXACTLY like Christopher Reeve!

Newsflash One - The Superman movies weren't that great. In fact, they weren't even that GOOD. Part II was "leaps and bounds" over the first (which, basically, made NO sense) but it still wasn't the set in stone classic people make it out to be.

Newsflash Two - Christopher Reeve wasn't the first person to play Superman. The only reason there's this rabid passion to clone him for this movie is because he's dead.

Newsflash Three - Like I said in part two - there have been other Superman adaptations. Why not get ultimate influence from them? Why is no-one trying to make Brandon Routh look like Kirk Alyn from the 1940's movie serials? He's dead too, you know. Or how about George Reeves from the 50's? Dead as well - and in pretty gruesome fashion, to boot. Or fast forward and try and recreate Dean Cain's Superman. He's.. well, he's as good as dead. There is no reason to cling to the first two movies like this.

Anyway, moan over. Like I said, I want to LOVE this movie. I want it to do well and to create a string of sequels (although good luck finding villains for him to fight - DC villains are RUBBISH) and this is just picking faults that may not directly impact on the movie's quality.

See you at the cinema. With fingers crossed.

Excelsior!

The Mission gets a helping hand..

You know, I WAS going to put this in my Reasons To Be Cheerful, but this is so cool it deserves it's own thread.

Now then, for those that have never heard of The Curmudgeon's Mission, here's a quick heads-up. I'm a collector of live action comic book adaptations or superhero movies/TV shows/serials of ANY nature. If it's a guy in a costume fighting crime I am front row centre. So I started The Mission a little while back, and it's doing well so far. But it was always kind of a mystery just WHAT was out there, and the more stones I over-turned the more obscure titles kept popping up. It was hard to keep a definitive hit list of everything I needed to get.

Until now.

I came across this wonderful site purely by chance, and whilst it doesn't give you a direct place to BUY them, it tells you what it's about and what (if any) comic book inspired them. It even has the surreal foreign stuff.

Ever heard of the 1944 Captain America serial? Or the 1940's Batman serials? Or 3 Dev Adam, a Turkish movie where Captain America teams up with a wrestler to battle an evil Spider-Man? Neither had I, but it's just replaced "food" on my Essentials List. A lot of these things are never going to be released officially, so I have to go down the shady road of pirate copies for those. But hell, if they ever do get released (and somehow I can't see 3 Dev Adam appearing in stores anytime soon) then of course I'll buy that instead. But, needs must what The Mission commands.

Anyway, if YOU happen to come across any superhero DVD related stuff you think I should know about, you know where to tell me about it. Here's my DVD List right now to let you know how The Mission is going right now..

Just thought I'd show you this site, and let you know of my continuing mission, to boldly go and buy some of the worst things ever made.....

Reasons To Be Cheerful - June

Sorry it's late. Hey, I've been away.

It's that time again, Dwellers. Time when we list the three (sometimes little) things that are making June A-OK for us, or at least delaying opening our wrists.

1. I'm back from holiday! Now, normally you wouldn't think this would be something to be cheerful about. And as awesome as Florida was, I now have a LOT more of the best income in the world - disposable income. Not money to be stashed away for paying off the holiday or spending money - money to be spent on CD's, DVD's, nights out.. the things we all live for, right?

2. Spent some of that disposable income (in Florida, ironically enough) on this little beast. I'm not a "collector" by any stretch of the imagination. I do have a few comic book statues, and this is the latest..

3. Prince is my idol. As much as I love music, anything I buy or any band I see just don't compare to the sheer impact Prince music has had on me, from a mad-eyed teenager to a mad-eyed.. well, Curmudgeon. So when I heard on my Prince news board that he was in talks to appear on American Idol I was in the horrors. MY idol on THAT shit? I had nightmares of him singing Purple Rain along with some spikey haired idiot or hugging a gaggle of boyband wannabe dicks. But no, he didn't let me down. Yes, he appeared on it but he angered Simon Cowell by being, well, Prince. He didn't talk to ANY of the contestants, was a total no-show until the very last minute (the show was live), went on stage and sang two songs by himself - and then left. If The Man wants to appear on the most watched program in America and sing a few songs AND piss off the TV execs and Simon Cowell - I would say that is the very definition of Keeping It Real. I was all smiles when I heard that.

And that's June for The Curmudgeon. Anyone else?

Hello. I don't like football, therefore I am a social leper.

Oh good. It's THAT time again.

Before I start, I'll clear this up for the American Dwellers among us - I'm talking about British football, as in soccer. Although I suppose it's the same thing for what I'm about to bring up.

I don't like football. I don't hate it, I don't hate people who watch it - I just find it dull. I've watched a few matches in my time (The Wife likes it, for example) but I just can't get into it. 90 minutes of watching guys running around a field? No thanks. I can watch, and like to watch, some sports - boxing is all good, snooker is fine - hell, even darts is pretty good sometimes. (I won't mention wrestling, 'cos I know it's not a real sport per se.. still the best damn show on television, though).

So what's the big deal? Simple - being male, it seems to be a pre-requisite that I watch and adore football, and when I reveal that I don't it's as if I'm from another (possibly homosexual) planet. Here's an example from when I was getting my hair cut a few weeks back..

Barber: Watching the game tonight?
Me: Eh? Oh, no. I don't follow football.
Barber: Oh....... right.

END CONVERSATION.

And then..

Taxi Driver: Some result last night, eh?
Me: Oh, really?
Taxi Driver: Didn't you see it?
Me: No, I (sensing the inevitable) don't follow football.
Taxi Driver: Oh.. right.

END CONVERSATION.

And so it goes. The amount of times I've been asked What Team I Support, only for me to give the same tired response and then GET the same tired response is unbelievable. When I'm with a group of people and football comes up, I have to wait for the entire subject changes before I can even open my mouth.

And, of course, it's World Cup time, so EVERYONE is talking about fucking football. Magazines are talking about it, newspapers are talking about it, internet sites I usually frequent are talking about it, the TV schedules will soon be DOMINATED by it. It really is very depressing.

I've always said that anyone can talk about anything here, and so if anyone out there wishes to talk about how well Team A played against Team B then be my guest. Otherwise you can be guaranteed that football, soccer or whatever will never penetrate the walls of The Fortress Of Solitude.

Arcade Games - Now Officially Suck.

Game over, man!

The Curmudgeon remembers a time (not too long ago) when he would walk into one of those dim, smokey arcade halls with a pocketfull of money and come out, blinking into the sunlight, about an hour and a half later full of nervous, twitchy excitement after pumping coin into a number of games.

Nowadays? The Curmudgeon walks in, looks around and walks back out.

And why is that? Simple - the games The Curmudgeon used to play are long gone. Now, I'm not talking some purist jargon here about Galaga or Pacman (hey, I'm not that old). I'm talking about REAL arcade games - games that, if you were good at them, you could spend a solid half hour or more working up a sweat playing them. Games like Streetfighter II, Mortal Kombat, Final Fight, Metal Slug, WWF Wrestlefest - big flashy graphics sure, but they packed in depth, character and (admittedly basic) plot that kept you playing and, more importantly, talking during the bus ride home.

You don't see games like that anymore. Nowadays it's these novelty mini-ride things that dominate the space allocated in arcade halls. You always got the odd one here and there (the "Hang On" bike, for example) but nowadays these things are the norm; I walked into an arcade recently and saw a giant pair of ski's, one of those stupid dance mat things and several other large "£ a throw" abominations, where you put your money in, play for about a minute and then you're done. Where's the fun in that?

The days of the classic coin-op are long gone, replaced by dull, soul-less gimmick rides for "the family" to enjoy. Today's generation are missing out on some awesome money-wasting. For shame.

The Curmudgeon's Guide To: Surviving Rain.

FINALLY - The Curmudgeon tells YOU what to do.

First things first - I LIKE being a guy. Girls have so much extra shit to worry about; obvious things like periods and getting pregnant of course, but then there's the whole "be thin - forever, because the media demands it of you" attitude that haunts them everyday, and guys don't have to worry about stuff like that. Take Jack Nicholson - pretty portly, balding, old - but he's still seen as a sex symbol. How many near 70 women can you say THAT about?

Now, I'm not an overly "macho" kind of guy, but while I was on holiday I witnessed a scene that made me ashamed of my very sex. Men running in panic. Men afraid. Men cowering in shops. And why?

Because it was RAINING.

Now, granted, this wasn't your everyday drizzle - this was an honest to goodness hardcore downpour. I live in Britain, and we get more than our fair share of bad weather, but this was the worst rain I had ever seen in my life. Americans do everything bigger and better? Well add the weather to that list too.

So I'm at Disneyland. Weather is awesome, everyone is kitted out in shorts and T-shirts. Come 4 o'clock it starts to get cloudy. Come 5 o'clock it starts to rain. Come 6 o'clock and the Heavens have opened up and God was taking the kind of piss that only 12 pints of lager the night before can generate. This was a grade A bowlfiller.

This could happen to YOU. So here's a cut out and keep Curmudgeonly way to survive the rain, regardless of what you are wearing (expensive suits notwithstanding).

1. Don't run. Look up, tut, and continue as normal. Obviously don't continue as normal if it's the kind of rain I was talking about earlier, otherwise you'd look like a lunatic. But DO continue to walk, calmly and with grace, to your desired position.

2. Don't hold any magazines or books or paper bags over your head. It has NO EFFECT WHATSOEVER and you look like a dick.

3. Never, under any circumstances, use an umbrella. It does have an effect, but you still look like a dick. The only man that can get away with using an umbrella is The Penguin.

4. Don't panic. It's only rain. Yeah, you'll get wet but unless you're descended from the Wicked Witch Of The West - you'll get over it. It won't burn you, it won't get you pregnant. I watched in DISGUST as a grown man stood in a doorway of a shop that the girl had to close because of the storm, SCREAMING at her to let him in. "Can't you be reasonable for once?" He bleated, "can't you not follow the rules just this once?" I walked away hoping she would ask back, "can't you just grow a penis?"

Of course, these rules don't apply to girls. Girls can run and scream and hide and that's perfectly fine. It sometimes even looks cute. But we're GUYS, dammit. And even though I don't go in for that chest beating crap, hell - we should at least attempt to look and act like a spot of water falling from the sky isn't enough for us to fill our shorts with.

So there you have it. Simple rules maybe, but, as I witnessed, they NEED to be addressed. Curmudgeon Life Guides - learn them, live by them. You won't get any girls or money, but you'll get a disproportionate sense of self-worth. And that's always a good thing to have.

The Curmudgeon has returned!

Well, Dwellers, you can all celebrate now - The Curmudgeon has returned from Florida. I hope you all missed me because, hey, I missed YOU.

Anyway, SUPERB holiday that it was (14 straight days at theme parks - what's that old saying about needing a holiday from your holiday?), the above image kinda represents the sinister domination that ol' Mickey has on Florida. Seriously, he's everywhere. And as much as it's a "world of make believe" etc etc, hasn't anyone thought to mention that all Disney cartoons are shit? Just a thought.

Besides all that, if you've never been to Florida - GO. Seriously, if you like rides and acts and rollercoasters there is no better place on earth than Florida. Universal Studio's (Marvel World Of Adventure has to be seen to be believed), Busch Garden's, the Disney parks.. honestly, words don't do it justice. The time and effort they go into making you forget you're actually on a ride is incredible (the Spider-Man 3D ride has a waiting line inside a mock journalist office, with computer screens with mugshots of super villains - and that's just a basic example).

Highlights?

Terminator 3-D: After a superb tongue in cheek "promo" video from Skynet, we get a overly cheery Skynet "rep" to guide us into our seats ("mind the doors.. we wouldn't want anyone to get squished!") and then it's a mind-blowing merge of 3-D movie (with the four main players of T2) and live action (Arnie rides his bike on screen and then bursts onto the stage with a lookalike miming the rest of the words). With about 15 minutes of new footage, it's about ten times better than T3.

Hulk Rollercoaster: The rollercoaster itself is pant-wetting; twists and turns and drops and loops and a jet propelled start, the waiting line is a giant lab with huge video's created for the ride, with an animated Bruce Banner talking to the crowd and showing his origin etc (and a neat run through of various villains).

Doctor Doom: Doomfall - How to describe this? You sit in a big chair. It shoots you straight into the air, from inside the building to towering over the entire park outside - and then it drops you again. Again, the wait is awesome. You walk into building hearing "welcome to Latveria" and then giant video's show especially made cartoons of Doom ranting about the FF, as well as some Latveria propoganda. Oh, and the staff are comically unpleasant. "When the ride comes to a complete stop, gather your belongings and GET OUT."

The Mummy: A brilliantly frightening roller coaster in the dark, with 3-D visuals popping out at you and sending you hurtling backwards into darkness. Comes with token funny bits from Brendan Fraser. Brilliant.


That's just a few, 'cos I don't wanna go on for hours. There's countless rollercoasters, spot-on shows and countless characters walking around waiting for you to take your picture with them. It's funny, the cynical mind goes from thinking "it's a guy in a suit" to "holy crap - it's Scooby Doo!!"

Every "3-D" ride has added effects - in Shrek, when Donkey sneezes, you feel a slight burst of water on your face. When Stitch burps, you smell pizza. Every licensed ride has the main stars adding voice overs or appearing in the films and waiting line video's. No expense is spared, and if you go at the right time, the queue lengths aren't bad either.

If you've never been - you owe it to yourself to rectify that.


Anyway, enough holiday talk. The Fortress Doors are well and truly open again, boys and girls.. the best is yet to come!

Hey maw! I'm goin' to Disneyland!

Well, it's THAT time folks. I know you've all been dreading it, I know you've all been wearing your "it's not going to happen" heads but - it's going to happen. The Curmudgeon is outta here for 14 days and nights. To Florida! Disneyland! Universal Studio's! Busch Gardens! Marvel World! Sea World! Wooooh!

So, this means there will be no more updates for the next two weeks. I've tried my best to fill the place up with things to read and talk about, not only for you guys but for any newcomers who may happen to stray upon the Fortress (hey, it could happen). So even if you've seen everything, make sure you're back inside The Fortress in 14 days. You know it's where you belong.

So hopefully I'll see the established Dwellers (Ben, Hacker, Wolfman) and maybe, maybe, even a few new faces.

Till then, True Believers.....

Time Wasters, Please!

When I first opened the doors of The Fortress, I attempted to start a little segment called "Time Wasters, Please", a section where we can all put our funny links, pics and videos that we come across on the net. Now, this is when I didn't really know how this Blog site worked. I didn't know that, three or four threads later old "Time Wasters" was going to be buried quicker than a bunch of old Atari E.T games (look that one up).

So here's the deal; I'm not going to make the Time Wasters segments monthly or weekly or whatever - they'll just pop up whenever I have something worth showing you, or you guys have something worth showing everyone else. Just remember to use the hour glass logo above. Sound fair?

Now then, hot blonde fight-night. Ever wondered who'd win in a fight between Kelly Bundy from Married With Children and the bitchy sister (Laurie Fordman) from That 70's Show? If only they were wrestling in syrup or something. Right here

SUPERB advert from Japan. Why can't we have ads like this?



Speaking of him, go for it Big G!

Finally, I pinched this from www.dvd-swaps.co.uk (quite simply the best place to trade DVD's). I have two cats myself, and if I ever find myself getting sick of them for miaowing ALL OF THE TIME (for no reason! No reason at all!!!) then at least I don't own THIS cat..

That's all from me for now. Care to contribute anything, Dwellers?