Get some new ideas you parasites!

Here's a head scratcher for you, fellow Fortress Dwellers - do you remember the time a major movie came out that was based on an original idea, not some book (comic or otherwise) interpretation or that other favourite of lazy Hollywood - the dreaded REMAKE.

Seriously, browse through a list of some of the biggest movies over the last few years. Here's a quick heads up..

King Kong - Remake
Chronicles Of Narnia - Book Adap.
Lord Of The Rings - Book Adap.
The Ring - Jap Remake
Hills Have Eyes - Remake
Fog - Remake
Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Remake
Da Vinci Code - Book Adap.
War Of The Worlds - Book Adap.
Charlie's Angels - Remake
Dukes Of Hazzard - Remake
Shaft - Remake

And that's just a random few names that popped into my head. Add the Batmans and Spidey's and Superman Returns, not to mention the countless Japanese horror remakes and utterly redundant sequels (Basic Instinct 2?) and you have a movie industry that is, creatively speaking, dead in the water.

I can understand remaking movies that are more than a little well-worn. The likes of Nosferatu, for example, could do with a re-telling for a modern audience. But with the studio exec's hunger for a hit film they'll plunder anything with a remotely famous name to draw in the punters. Hence the countless shabby horror remakes we've had to endure (and keep on enduring).

And let's not forget the plethora of TV shows that have been updated and remade for the movie going audience. Again, anything with even a remotely famous name is getting pillaged and repackaged for a generation who are quickly earning no identity for themselves.

I don't know what age you lot are, but when The Curmudgeon was growing up we had the likes of Back To The Future, Star Wars, Gremlins, Goonies, E.T, Indiana Jones, Aliens, Predator and countless others to watch - original, innovative movies that you didn't already know the endings to. This generation? "Oh yeah - we had King Kong. And Narnia. And War Of The Worlds. Who doesn't know how THEY end?"

It's a bad situation, my friends. And sadly - it's going to get worse.

Defend their honour!

If you are a member of The Fortress Of Solitude, I'd like to think you have a way of thinking differently from the common herd among us. The latest reality pop star to shoot to number one in the charts may have the lolly-gaggers hooting and hollering, but it leaves you cold and angry. The likes of, say, Pearl Harbour and Armageddon may have knuckle draggers the world over uniting in cinematic ecstasy, but to you, cynical and hardened, it leaves you desperate to find the off button.

So it goes then, that whatever the majority have panned over the years, you've learned to love. Movies that tanked or are universally thought of as awful are some of your most treasured DVD's. Well, this is the part of The Fortress where YOU get to defend their honour and try and spread the good word.

So, maybe you thought Speed 2 was a masterpiece. Maybe you thought Critters 3: Critters In Space was a Star Wars beater. This is where you get your say.

I'll start the ball rolling with this slice of Japanese nonsense: Godzilla vs Megalon. Now, for those not in the know, GvM is probably the most hated of the Godzilla movies, with the obvious exception of the US Remake (or GINO - Godzilla In Name Only, as the fans would call it). It's certainly the most cartoonish, childish imagining of the Big G, and it's more like watching Monster Wrestling at times, as Godzilla teams up with the giant Ultraman clone, Jet Jaguar, to square off against two supershit monsters, Megalon and Gigan. As someone from the IMDB said, it's "probably the best worst movie ever made." Godzilla himself is totally different from previous movies. He punches his fists together when he gets ready to fight, he throws his arms up to cheer and he's basically a giant, goofy, loveable hero. Hell, even his face is cute. And then of course, the infamous "flying dropkick", where Godzilla would sail across the ground on his tail and kick Megalon. Hell, words don't do it justice. Check THIS out..

http://gojistomp.org/quicktime/gojikick.mov

If that doesn't save a movie, nothing will. The human storyline is stupid but more interesting than some other Big G movies, and it's basically a beyond dumb slice of hokum that really needs to be seen to be believed. Awful and brilliant all at the same time.

I have some more candidates, but I'll give the floor to someone else in the meantime. This is your chance to praise the unpraised...

Piracy - It really is everywhere.

Piracy has always been a factor in movies and music. Trips to markets etc weren't complete without seeing some wideboy trying to flog white-sleeved videos of the latest film, or CD's with covers that looked like they'd been in a washing machine. It was sick, it was wrong - but it was life.

Nowadays, though - is it me, or is piracy more accepted and widespread than ever before? We won't dwell on the "accepted" piracy of "Oh, I just downloaded it onto my MP3 player" and stick with movie piracy. Honestly, how BAD is the situation nowadays?

Maybe I hang around in the wrong circles (or maybe the wrong circles hang around with The Curmudgeon) but I've lost count of the conversations I've had that run along the lines of..

"Saw V For Vendetta last night."
"Oh. Did you go to the cinema?"
"Nah. My mate gave me a copy."

It's always someone's mate. Or someone's dad, or a shady brother or uncle. It's not happening on the marketstalls, with comedy Del Boy characters scooping up their suitcases and running when they see the police. It's happening in people's houses with people we all know. I've been given LISTS of movies that "a friend of a friend" can get at a fiver a throw, all "great quality."

And yet, if you protest, if you say you don't buy pirate movies, YOU'RE looked on as the one in the wrong, the pompous snob, the do-gooder. From people who obviously don't appreciate anything they watch enough to just buy the fucking real thing.

"Oh, it's too expensive to go to the pictures", I get told. Oh yeah? A boat is expensive, you can't afford that, but do you go out and steal one? 'Cos that's what you're doing with the films.

"I don't want to wait for it to come out on DVD." The waiting time now between cinema to DVD is the shortest its ever been. Movies can be bought within a few months (Hell, if you have a region one player you can get brand new movies from the likes of Canada when they're still at the cinema in the UK. That's how much we suck). So scrub that little excuse from your list.

"Well they should lower DVD Prices." Really? Have you SEEN high street DVD prices lately? There's sales and price crashes every single week (Charlie and The Chocolate Factory 2 disc for £5.99?! Wasn't that in the cinema about four months ago?) We live in an age where DVD's are the cheapest they've ever been. Hell, VHS was NEVER this cheap in its heyday.

"What's the difference in buying a copy and buying a real one from ebay? The movie makers aren't making the money from THAT sale." Yes, but the money has already BEEN made. There has been a sale, money has been paid for that product somewhere down the line. Plus it's REAL, not some crappy copied tat.

And yet, what do you do? Report them? No, because, again - it's people you know. So we just have to hold our heads high, walk away from the theft and the ignorance, and pay money for genuine products that WE love and appreciate. That's how it's done in The Fortress.

Doctor Who back on TV - And it's a rare beast indeed.

Britain's longest running sci-fi series returned for it's (ahem) "Second" series on Saturday, and The Curmudgeon, for once, is all smiles and laughter and baby kissing happiness. And not just for the show (nor the scrumptious Billie Piper either).

To be honest, this episode wasn't great. A fun half hour, granted, but nothing extra special (unlike the majority of series one), but it's still all good. And do you know why? Because it's a sci-fi television show. And it's on the main channel on the most watched time of the week. Doctor Who is prime time television. It's front page tabloid news, with rumours of who (zing!) the new Doctor will be, as well as assistants getting the red-top media in a frenzy. It's not some cult show at 11pm on Channel 4, it's not zeitgeist surfing supercool show - it's family entertainment that can be either watched and enjoyed or fanatically poured over and studied. That's the beauty of it - it can work both ways.

TV schedules, as I'm sure you're aware, are awash with the bile of entertainment - reality television. Whether it's attention-craving morons doing anything to be on television or coke-ravished "celebrity" morons doing anything to be back on television, prime time television is in the worst state it has ever been in. The Curmudgeon remembers a time when watching TV on an early Saturday evening meant watching GENUINE entertainment. Shows like A-Team, Airwolf, Knight Rider.. hell, even Baywatch. But just check out the TV schedules on BBC one for this Saturday night..

7pm: Doctor Who
8pm: Strictly Dance Fever
9pm: The Lottery
10pm: Strictly Dance Fever Results

It's enough to make you want to tear out your eyeballs and mail them to the BBC in complaint. And over on ITV there's all manner of bullshit, where Karaoeke fever simply will not die. After the depressing success of X-Factor ITV will do whatever it takes to dip their bread in that gravy again. So there's "Just The Two Of Us", which has "celebrities" singing with, er, singers. There's Celebrity Stars In Their Eyes, which has (probably the same) "celebrities" dressing up as their favourite star they've been told to like. And all across TV land there's a whole host of atrocities; I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Big Brother, Big Brother's Little Brother, Celebrity Big Brother, countless gardening and house make-over shows. Just this week a new show is out where failed boyband stars try to dress up as women to form a girl band. Christ all fucking mighty, what is GOING ON??

Television has been bombarded with these cheap, easily made dogshit programs. Why bother paying script writers, actors, set designers, special effects people, directors etc when you can bung a few attention starved idiots into a room and watch the "fun"? And it galls me to think that it almost works every single time.

Ah yes - "almost." There was a time, a happy, happy time, where ITV's latest cash cow, "Celebrity Wrestling" (which didn't feature celebrities OR wrestling, funnily enough) was apparantly The Next Big Thing. They hyped it to the moon, giving their celebrities stupid wrestling names (don't get me wrong - I LOVE wrestling, but this was clearly made by people who didn't) and a huge advertising and media blitz. This was to go against the BBC's new show - Doctor Who.

I'll admit I was worried. What's that, a TV show with "celebrity" in the title? The simple minded mouthbreathers won't be able to keep away. How wrong I was. Doctor Who absolutley trampled over it, so much so that ITV "re-scheduled" their wrestling show, not to prime time on a Saturday night, but nestled away in the Guilty Secret Corner of 11am on a Sunday morning.

So it IS possible. REAL, genuine television CAN win out against this lazy slop. And surely the BBC must sit up and take note? "Hmm.. hang on, if this show is doing well, giving us great ratings, and all the merchandise we sell is bringing in even more money, not to mention the total Screw You Fans priced boxset.. don't you think we should be making MORE of this sort of program?"

And if the BBC can get the knuckle-dragging masses away from the reality bug and interested in REAL television again.. then Hells bells, that can only be a good thing, can't it?

So embrace Doctor Who. It's not perfect by any means, but by God we should treasure it. A prime time sci-fi show that the media and pondlife are interested in too? We may never see the like again.

The great special effects debate!

Are effects not very special anymore?

CGI. Those three letters are enough to make some movie puritans eat their Harryhausen posters in rage. It can be argued that these digital effects rob movies of their integrity, that what you're seeing isn't actually "there", or that the craft of truly creating special EFFECTS is gone forever. True artists don't have to toil for hours now on super-realistic models and monsters to suspense the belief of the viewer. Just bung in a few ultra expensive computer images and the job is done. Others would argue that, since movies were first filmed, directors have yearned for the latest camera trickery to help get their story across. So surely CGI is just another stepping stone in the same way that stop motion, blue screen and stunt doubles are?

To me, CGI is a GOOD thing, but only in small doses, and only when entirely necessary. What irks me about CGI is when a movie is bombarded with it for no reason. Take the new Star Wars movies (please etc). Did ALL of the non-human characters have to be CGI? Did we ever watch Jedi and think "Jabba The Hutt? Pff - that is so OBVIOUSLY about six guys under there." Of course we didn't. Yet the human beard took it upon himself to make every monster, alien and flying stereotypical Jew CGI - because he could.

For the likes of, say, War Of The Worlds - yes, CGI was necessary (although not every scene - the aliens themselves didn't have to be CGI, for example), but it seems the likes of models and puppets are seen as old-hat, when in reality they can look a damn site more realistic than their computer generated counterparts (they don't look all shiny and weird, for one, check out American Werewolf In Paris and Alien 3 for proof of that).

I guess it's all down to the skill of the director and the effectiveness of the monster created. Compare the timeless chill Bela Lugosi created with his take on Dracula, free from any CGI, special effects (or even fangs in the original) to the feeble over-egging of Van Helsing's effect-laden Dracula. The latter certainly LOOKS better, but it's Lugosi's people will still be talking about in twenty years time. And what about Godzilla? The ultra-sophisticated 98 US remake Godzilla was intensely unpopular with fans, not least for the crap storyline they brought in. He looked "ugly", not "proud, dignified and handsome" like the original. And how are the real Godzilla movies still being made? Bloke in a monster suit smashing tiny buildings - and we wouldn't have it any other way. Or what about the Daleks? In another light the prospect of squawking killer dustbins could have looked pathetic - yet they became some of the most feared and popular monsters in history.

So what do you all think, then? CGI or not? Would you rather see a return to the monsters created by hand, like the creatures seen in Labyrinth, Clash Of The Titans, Star Wars Episodes IV-VI, Ghostbusters and a million others, or do you prefer the more sophisticated approach seen in Godzilla (98), King Kong, Lord Of The Rings and Narnia?

The choice..... is yours.

Digital downloads - let's not get carried away, people.

I'll be the first to admit it - I never thought this downloadable music thing would take off. Illegal downloads, sure - people always want something for nothing. But the idea that people would embrace a notion where you PAY for music to be downloaded into your computer was something I thought would never be popular, and certainly not as popular as it is now.

"Who wants to pay for music you don't physically OWN?" I thought. I mean, surely one of the basic pleasures of getting new music is actually holding it in your hand? As twee as it sounds, one of the fundamental joys of new music is paying for and finally OWNING the CD, flicking through the booklet or reading the lyric sheet or drooling over the pictures if its some pop totty. All of this is redundant with music downloads. Like a certain track, point and click, wait 60 seconds - it's on your hard-drive. Where's the fun in that?

Music shouldn't be so faceless. Think of the generation we're raising, where the notion of album and singles sleeves are not only unimportant, but non-existent. Some of our cultures most famous iconic images have come from record sleeves. Think of The Beatles' Sgt. Pepper album, or Nirvana's Nevermind, or Prince's Purple Rain. Those words alone have put those images into your brain, whether or not you even like the records, you're seeing a bloke on a bike, a swimming baby and a big line up of people in costumes. Our culture has burned those covers into our very subconscious. Will we ever see the like of that again with the onslaught of digital downloads?

CD Single sales have plummeted due to the ease and relative cheapness of downloads, and here's another reason that it's not all great - one of the best things about CD singles was buying it for the title track that you knew, and falling in love with the bonus track(s) on the single. Some artist's best, most character revealing work can be found on B-sides, safe from any commercial stress to put out "hits", an artist can be freed to show a more experimental or playful side, or even just to cover a much beloved song. With digital downloads you pay for the song you know and that's it. Bonus tracks, b-sides, whatever you want to call them, are again regarded as unimportant and are lost forever.

The same could happen with album tracks. The ignorant notion of "buying an album when I only like one song on it" (which is frustratingly common, even if the rest of the album is as yet unheard) will rule. People will happily pay £0.79 for the single they like off the radio, and they won't have to bother with the other 11 tracks. Of course, album sales are still high so this hasn't happened yet, but hey, CD single sales were high once too.

Digital music is easy and quick. But should music BE this easy? Shouldn't the trip to the shops, or even waiting for a CD to come through the post, be part of the process, that makes us APPRECIATE the records that we listen to? Downloading music can be like trying to hold water in your hands, you've got it for a few seconds then its gone and forgotten. Also, the music we listen to should be something we own, something we can hold in our hands, to look at and to cherish. Not just to bung on an I-Pod with 1000 other faceless tunes and be resigned to "shuffle" duties.

And don't even get me started on the horrific notion of downloading movies. That's another rant for another day. For now - by all means have your I-Pods and MP3's for being out on the go - but remember to love, and keep buying, CD's, and the album art, CD art, B-sides, album tracks and hidden tracks that come with them.

Reasons To Be Cheerful

In an attempt to rise above the abject misery of existence, I've decided to create a place where I can make a small list of, well, Reasons To Be Cheerful (and give a nice nod to Ian Dury to boot). Now, it's not going to be any corny rubbish like "Oh, I'm so happy to be healthy" or anything like that. Hey, 'tis The Curmudgeon we're talking about here. It can be just little things that have happened, to brighten your day or make your week or whatever. So, April's Reasons To Be Cheerful are..

1. The Curmudgeon has finally done it. After years of "hmm.. maybe. If I ever got time" and Amazon readers mailing him to ask - The Curmudgeon FINALLY has a site of his own. The Fortress Of Solitude may stumble and fall into never-visited obscurity, but that would be a damn shame. I'm hoping to get a few regular visitors here to build our own little community, where we can talk about the finer things in life. Whether that happens or not, who can say, but for now - The Fortress is shaping up to be something mighty cheerful about indeed. And can anyone tell me where "Like A Squashed Octopus" came from?

2. Prince's new album, 3121, is finally MINE. It was my birthday on the 11th April (not telling you my age, let's just say... old enough), and The Wife(tm) bought me the new album. I must admit to sometimes spinning new Prince records with a certain amount of trepidation; will the critics be right? Will he have lost the plot? Thankfully the answer is a resounding NO. 3121 is an EXCELLENT album. The title track itself could have came from his 1987 period, "Lolita" is joyous pop and the heartbreaking ballad "The Dance", with it's ear-shattering finale, has to be heard to be believed. Oh, and "Black Sweat" is a future classic. All in all - a superb record but, hey, he's very rarely made anything but.

3. It is now almost just four weeks until I go off to Florida on holiday. I've been before, but that was with my parents, so this will be a whole new ballgame. I have a fourteen day pass to EVERY theme park, so I fully expect to be a big kid for a fortnight. Marvel World, people! MARVEL. WORLD. I've heard there are guys walking around dressed as superheroes! I want my picture taken with every. single. one. of. them. Add to that Disneyland and Seaworld and... ohh, it's going to be AWESOME. Technically, this should be in May's Reasons, but Hell, I'm hardly going to be here then..


And that's that. Simple, yes? Three Reasons To Be Cheerful. Those are mine - now let's hear YOURS.

Celebrity Obsessed Culture: Just say NO.

Coming from the UK, it's nigh-on impossible not to have seen these two faces. Jade and Chantelle; both talentless and charmless media whores, yet both are rich, successful and never away from the headlines of tabloid newspapers. Why? Because they are stars of reality television, making them instant household names in Britain, who's ravenous hunger for low-brow, pathetic entertainment knows no bounds, and as a result fame obsessed, talent scourged idiots become "celebrities" in the blink of an eye.

Don't get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with being interested in famous people. They're on our movie screens, our CD players and hung up on our walls. They live lives we don't and can only dream of. Bruce Willis IS a star. Britney Spears IS a pop-star. The column inches they garner are testament to the hard work and genuine TALENT that they have. But our culture, fueled by glossy toilet paper like Heat, Now and a hundred other media abominations latch on to soul-less, dead-eyed zero talent drones like Paul Danan, Jeff Brazier and Chico and try and make the public care about them. The reason for this is simple..

It's 1000 times easier to get a "World Exclusive" four page interview with Kerry Katona, talking about her life, her love, her kids and her addictions than it is to get even a "good morning" from say, Mel Gibson. Far cheaper too.

If you look through your TV guide for this week you will no doubt spot about twenty programs with the dreaded word "Celebrity" in the title. And if you should, for some reason, choose to watch any of these programs you will see the kind of people I'm on about, who haunt the pages of these vacuous rags, desperate to cling to their tiny wisp of fame for as long as they can.

Whereas good people like you and me treat these people with the contempt they deserve, it's the Heat readers that embrace them to their hollow black hearts. They couldn't name you a song by, say, Bob Dylan if their lives depended on it, but you bet they know every word to Shayne fucking Ward's latest catastrophic effort. They don't know who genuinely TALENTED celebrities are, but they could point out Jeremy Edwards in a thousand man line up.

So what does The Curmudgeon want you to do? Simple - just say NO to the brain-dead glossy gossip mags, say NO to cheap, cardboard cut out reality programs which threaten to totally over-take the television schedules and say NO to being interested in the plankton of, as Morrissey recently said, that "disgusting word" celebrity. They certainly don't belong here, in The Curmudgeon's Fortress Of Solitude, but they should also be banned from being any part of your everyday lives.

The Day The Curmudgeon Got Punk'd.

You know, whilst I was trawling through all my hate mail I came across something I thought I'd show you. Now, I don't get tricked often, but when I do I seem to fall hook, line, sinker and copy of Angling Times (name the reference - NOW!) and this time was no different.

I had posted up a "rate me, damn you!" link on a DVD site I frequent (i.e - haunt). Might as well give them a plug while I'm here - honestly, it's head and shoulders above every other DVD trading site you've ever been on. For what it lacks in heavy volume of traffic it more than makes up for in spirit and cool members.

http://forums.dvd-swaps.co.uk

Anyway, one of the moderators decided to play a little trick on your humble narrator (reference spot 2 - name it) and decided to give me a little hate mail of his own, calling himself "Randy Skeet" and calling me out for my damning of the Michelle McManus CD...

"Dude, you should be sick of yurself. I been reeding yuor reviews on AMAZON and what you say about Michel Mcmanus is sick. She is a great singer and she is happy about her look and she don't care what you think. Your such an angry person i wonder what your mummy done to you when you was a kid. but you still are a kid...ha ha

why do yuo keep on writing such crap man? the stuff you hate is what normal poeple like and you got no right to slag it off like you do cause its not your fave stuff. you think your so clever but eveyone is just laughing at you becaue you dont have no taste.

Im gonna write some proper reviews on them things and you see that poeple will agree with me and agree with me that you are a dumbass. I bet you aint never got laid once. Joker!

I hate you and people like you."

To which I replied...

"Dear cretin..

Here is a useful link for you to use..

http://www.yourdictionary.com/

This will help you spell those tricky words you seem
to have so much trouble with; you know the ones, "you"
and other head-scratchers like "reading".

Seriously guy - you're a fucking DUNCE. Before you
even DARE try to slate The Curmudgeon you should get a
grasp of basic English.

You say I hate things that normal people like as if it
was a bad thing. You're damn right I do. I DETEST
simple minded PEASANTS like you, who haven't got a
single original thought in your empty heads. Instead
you sit there as the next mass-market moron magnet
draws you in so you can sit and dribble your fucking
life away.

You make me sick. Every single tragic one of you.

Do yourself a favour and get hit by a car, you fucking
waste of space. And NEVER contact me again.

The Curmudgeon"
__________________

End of story, right? Noooo. Cue Randy..

"Yeah, you rekon you can tell me not to contact you like your some kindo god????? If you aint ready for other poeples comments yo shouldnt put such provocotave comments on reveiws. your just asking for peopl;e to hate you as you must get a sick love from it??????

i see you dont like it when you get some back!!!!! just because you hate so much it dont mean everyone else does and i can tell everone that on AMAZON too.

how can yuo comment on my spellings too????? just cause i aint the best speller???? so what. my typeing sometimes goes a bit screwwy when i get mad and i cant be bothered to go back and change it all too. if you cant read what im saying you must be a real jack-off dumbass.howd ya like that spelling!!!!!!!!

you make me so angry. stop your nasty hate campane on AMAZON it is a great site and idiots like you spoil it for pople who want to enjoy reading the great reveiws. i showed my friends your stupid reiews and your stupid email and they are all lauging at you big-time cause your an idiot. ha ha.

and someone has maled me in AMAZON to tell me that they like my reveiw and tht they think your a dumass too!!! that will be the first fo many i betting. your gonna look so stupid i bet you piss your pants."

And I said..

Hello moron

Yes, I'm the one that's going to be made stupid by
some laughable half-wit with grammer and punctuation
that would make any seven year old child laugh.
Uh-huh, that's going to happen.

Why do you THINK I put my e-mail address at the bottom
of every review, genius? Sit there and think about
that for a few seconds. I make a point of putting it
there, idiot, because I WANT you knee-jerk reactionary
dimbulbs to write in because I'm slating all their
favourite bland, awful things. Just like you did.

Ha ha, I can't BELIEVE you wrote to me to defend a POP
IDOL. Ha ha, how big a loser are you? You think I
can't "take it back"? Wrong - I can take anything you
and your feeble brain can throw at me - bring it on,
you pathetic little dick.

Michelle McManus. Pffff... ha ha, I'm sorry, I think
defending her is very cute. I can't imagine how bad
your CD collection is.

Now go away.

He wouldn't let it lie, would he?

"yes i already said that some people is emailing me and saying your a jackass. i would expect you will see lots of reviews form my new freinds that make yours look stupid!!!!!! you make fun of my spelling again but you are th stupid idiot cause at least what i say is true and you just look stuopid and full of hate!!!!!!

i like michell mcmanus and that is up to me and all her millions of fans what brought her cd. just cause she is a POP IDOL does not men you can dismiss her. i suppose you think that gareth gates was no good too or darius????? they both make great cds and sold millions so how come they are no good???? you just dont understand music or you want to look cool?????? my mom thinks you jkust want attentnoin.

i see you dont like getting it back at ya still even though you say you want it?????? i dont think so dude. i will make you a deal if you take down your dumb reviews i will stop mailing you and i wont make you look so dumb by keep posting my proper reveiws next to yours so poeple can see how dumb you are. ha ha lots of AMAZON members have mailed me to say they like my reviews and they like what i am doing to you. i think you are on the run huh. haha

for yout informatoin my cd collection is sweet and yours suck probably with crap like prince or stuff. i have 19 cds now and they are all proper music and i will be buying two more today. i bet you dont even havethat many you probably only have like 3or4??????

you are the pathtic little dick not me. but i guess you knew that nayway. yee haw"

and I said..

"Dear retard

I'm sorry, I just laughed my ass off at your post. You
have 19 CD's? WOAH! Ha ha, you POOR loser - I have
over 1000, add to that almost 800 DVD's and I think I
make you look a bit of a peasant. 19 CD's.. ha ha ha.
You really are a worthless crumb, you know that? 19.
Oh man.

So by your estimation, everything that sells well is
great, right? So how do you explain the Crazy Frog
single selling so well? Is that a masterpiece?

And how many more records do you think Michelle
McManus will have? I'll tell you, shit-for-brains -
NONE. Her 15 minutes are up, she won a talent show on
TV (because she was fat), then the sheep (that's
people like you) moved on to the next reality show
idiot-fest and forgot all about her. Hence her being
dropped by her record label, hence her having to
appear on a Diet show.

You really have no clue about anything. You are quite
easily the sorriest piece of scum I've ever spoken to.

It'd be funny if it weren't so sad.

nd Mr Skeet just kept coming back...

"your haterd just makes me sad. why do you need to be so nasty.i dont beleive you have so many cds noone has that many!!!! and so what if you have 800 dvds i have 25 different WWF and WWE video tapes which is quite an envied collection so who cares. have you ever wona talent contest and relaesed a single.no. beuase you have no talent except trying to make poeple feel small and so you can feel big. my cousin is a texas ranger so what.

your name doesnt even make sense you are so dumb, i garuntee poeple on AMAZON are laughing at you cause they tell me. they are not lauging at me. my cousin is laughing at you to and he would kick your ass if you ever in texas. he deals with idiots like you evry day and you are nothing."

And I replied..

"Oooooooooooooh 25 video tapes! Ha ha ha, you POOR
scum. Video tapes?! What are you living in, 1987?! I
wouldn't pick up a video tape if it was lying in the
street. Video.. ha ha ha.

And that's funny how "no-one" has 1000 CD's because
I'm sitting right next to five full bookshelves of
them just now, listed A-Z. Sigh, if I had a list I
would send it to you, but never mind. I have every
album Prince, Bowie, White Stripes, Marilyn Manson,
Korn, Placebo, Ash, Terrorvision, Nirvana, Presidents,
Wannadies, Pixies have ever made, (plus oodles of
singles) to name but a few of the bands and artists I
am into. I would name others, but you being a Pop Idol
fan are far, far too ignorant to have heard of any of
them.

I'm sorry you're so broke you can't even IMAGINE
someone having 1000 CD's. I guess some people just
have more money than you do.

Never mind. You feel content to watch your prized WWE
video tapes and listen to your 19 CD's. Ah dear,
sometimes there's just not enough mocking laughter in
the world.

God I'd hate to be poor. What's it like?

Skeet..

"ha ha now youv made yourself look realy stupid because all those cds show what you really are wich is a GOTH!!!!!! now i no why you are so angry all the time because you are a GOTH and knowbody likes them. so what if im not got loads of dollars so what. i bet my trailer looks classer than your dumb apartment and i have ADSL in it too which means my connection will be faster than yours and i could snipe your dumbass from 100 feet on counterstrike. but then you would be too slow to play counterstrike anyways ha ha. my cousin rekons you must be really stupid to read all them cds as they are dumb GOTH music. he says he arrested a GOTH once and beat himn up just cause he was wearing makeup. ha ha

my buddies rekon i have a wicked collection of WWE and WWF tapes and they come over too watch them all the time. your just gealous cause you aint got none and probbly dont even watch wrestling anyway cause it is a mans sport. you probbly watch GOTH TV ha ha my tapes are very rare and i taped them all by cutting out the commercial breaks too so they dont stop whih means yuo can watxch them for hours too. i dont know noone who has got the big collection i have so now you may feel stupid about lauging at them?????

you just keep makeing yurself look dumber ans dumber. keep it coming dude it si so funny i am showing my cousin and my mom and all my buddies your mails and they are laughing at you cause you are so dumb. my mom says you are rude too and that you probbly dont have any buddies of your own and maybe i should try and be nice to you so you could be my buddy as thats the nice thing to do. i said i would never be your buddy even if you begged cause you are so rude and dumb and ruse about overwight poeple whcih is not nice. and you are a GOTH and probbly wanna kill chickens and drink there blood and shit."

I said..

"Sigh. Yet again the great unwashed don't know what a
"goth" is. Tell me this, brainiac..

Is Prince "Goth" music?
Is David Bowie "Goth" music?
Is Bob Dylan "Goth" music?
Is White Stripes "Goth" music?
Is Presidents Of USA "Goth" music?

No, of course not. The only act I can imagine you got
that retarded opinion from is Marilyn Manson, and even
he isn't "goth". Next time get even half a clue as to
what you're talking about.

Oh, and yes, I DO watch WWE actually, never miss it
but if you think it's a "sport" you're sadly mistaken.
Good TV, yes, but sport? Not in this lifetime.

You're kind of boring me now. It's fun to poke fun at
retards for a while, but then it starts to get a bit
tedious. So, no, to finish, I'm not a "goth" as your
ignorant views would have me, and if your friends come
over to watch WWE Video's you must all be more broke
than I first thought.

Ah, wait - ding. Did you say trailer? That's SUCH a
surprise. Scum, scum, scum. Yeech, I wouldn't wipe my
shoes on dirt like you.

And you show your mother these things? And she knows
you call yourself things like "The Curmudgeon Sucks
Balls?" She sounds like one classy lady. I can imagine
that gutter-trash slut has done wonders dragging you
up.

I live in a nice house, actually, that I paid for with
my own money. I have lots of nice things that I paid
for with my own money. You and your sub-human breed
can continue to sponge off the goverment and live in
trailers like the mangy, shit-infested dogs that you
are. And you can continue to think whatever the ****
you like about me - I am ALWAYS going to be just plain
BETTER than you are.

This will be my last response, so feel free to write
whatever poorly spelled drivel you like to me back.
You're not worth any more of my time.

Oh, and Mrs Skeet, if you're reading - you've done a
great job bringing this boy of yours up. Honestly, you
should really be proud. An idiot son in a crappy
trailer park home - well done, you. I can see you've
went far in life. Haw haw.

Don't write to me again.

I think it must have been about forty seconds after that, I stopped and re-read his last post, and I just KNEW it was a joke. It HAD to be. No-one was really THAT ignorant, were they?

So I wrote this..

"Hey

I always said I wasn't going to write back to you
anymore, but - ding - the penny has dropped. This is a
hoax.

Come on then, who is it? Daywalker? Howard? 'Fess up.

I must admit, you had me going for a bit, but it's
when you started sounding like a bad episode of the
Dukes Of Hazzard that I started to get a teensy bit
suspicious. "Lou-Ann" - come on!

So, very good, you did fool The Curmudgeon. So who is
this REALLY?

The Curmudgeon"

And I got this..

"Boy im suprised you even have any buddies to think there havin you on. I dont no what lou-ann said to make you think this is a joke son but i aint laughing none. Dukes of hazzard!!! boy you just come down this way and you see were reallll friendly. especially with a boy who got such a pretty mouth like yours. now you stop messing on my cousin before i make this official Ranger business!

Lt. Ethan Walker"

And I laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

Yes, one of the moderators of DVD Swaps - Daywalker (or Lt. Ethan Walker) had me pulling my hair out for a few solid hours. Commendable work. If only he would join the dark side..

So there you have it. Proof positive that The Curmudgeon CAN indeed be fooled. But that was a total one off, and it'll never happen again.

Ulp.

I have to sleep with her. She has no choice.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Some time wasters, please.

Thought I'd use this as an excuse to collect any funny pics, links, vids or otherwise that you find trawling through the net.

As I stated earlier, I won't be held responsible for what's on these links. People can feel free to post what they like, whether it's cute bunny rabbits or the most vulgar thing you've ever seen. If you're feeling charitable, give people a warning. Or don't and give them a shock - whatever suits.

I'll get the ball rolling with a few..

Works every time..

http://videos.humpingfrog.com/14221/2006/04/baseball-prank.html

Witness the most frightening monster ever created..

Damn, can't get the link to work - go to Youtube.com and type in Monster In A Wheelchair. And get ready to hide behind the couch...

Another Star Wars parody. This one isn't bad, if you ignore the "hey, buy Organic Food! It's not pointless, tasteless swill at all!" message.

http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html

Cute trick..

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/mind.php

That'll do for now. More to come, but feel free to contribute any.

Hate Mail

Over the time I've been on Amazon, I've received a fair few e-mails. And would you believe, not all of it is nice? Sad but true, friends. Anyway, I decided to show you some of the idiots that have got all hot and bothered over my reviews. I've included their e-mail addresses so if you're bored or feeling malicious, do get in touch with them. Putting their names down on porn websites is good fun too.

Anyway, I'll give you a bunch of these and when I get a decent amount more I'll post them on here too. Happy reading - beware, some of the grammer is downright deadly..

tanyarenaud87@hotmail.com
writes
You are ignorant and you dont know what you're talking about. Stupid.

Funny thing is, I DON'T know what she's talking about. Who knows what I'd written to get her so upset. Sigh, I guess we'll never know.

oscar_wildes@yahoo.com
writes
Oh yeah you're a big guy huh? Don't you have something better to do that to go on Amazon and trash a disc that you'd never buy or listen to? Why can't you let people listen to whatever they want? Why do you feel like you are the music police, and every CD that you have bought is somehow better that any other CD. It takes a lot of work to produce these discs. It's not as easy as strumming a guitar over and over and moaning out some bullshit about the world and how sad this place is. Who cares how a CD sounds ten years from now? Is that what makes you buy a CD? "Oh, I'll buy this album... it'll sound great when I'm forty." Who the fuck gives a rat's ass how that album is going to sound ten years from now, ass? And of course that Radiohead CD has to sound good for ten years... it takes the wankers five years to produce an album!

This music is infectuous dance music that does more good rather than bad. It makes people happy and makes them want to dance and feel free. Just because people listen to or buy this CD doesn't mean that they pop pills or shoot up. That is just your pure ignorance. Drugs are common with every genre of music... all artists have taken drugs at one point. All listeners have taken drugs at one point. What the fuck are you trying to state when you say that dance music is for people to overdose on? Fuck off. Do you honestly think that there isn't a garage full of stoned kids out there listening to Radiohead right now? I would bet a thousand bucks that there's at least fifty garages full of jack- ass- live- at- home- with mommy- morons out there listening to Radiohead stoned off their fat asses!

You are the real scum of the earth. You are in the same league as anyone with no tolerance. To disregard an entire segment of a population as the "dirt between your toes" based purely upon the genre of music they listen to. That is flat out hatred and ignorance. You are truely a stupid person with a first grade education. And I thank you for your comment on Amazon... it just further proves that we as a human race still have much more to do to rid the world of future Hilters and bin Ladens! Enjoy your Radiohead... for the next hundred years.

Wow, who'd have thought THE Oscar Wilde would have been a dance music fan? Funny, you'd think one of our greatest writers would like something that you DON'T have to be a knuckle-dragging retard to enjoy, wouldn't you? He sure showed me.

ian_north2@hotmail.com
writes
Your reviews on Amazon, are a pleasure to read. This is because it
makes me
feel smarter than I actually am, reading your snobbish crap. You Sir,
are an
ass.

Someone, needs to, remove, Ian's, apostrophe key. Anyway, he e-mailed me again and called Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody "Bo Rhap." So let us never speak of him again.

closeconnexions@yahoo.co.uk
writes
Hi, I am an electronic music fan, and was browsing through the discography of one of my favourite djs: Matt Darey. Then I noticed your review. At first I thought "I'm gonna e-mail this fucking bloke and rip him a new one" But then I didnt want to make assumptions, or even get in an argument for that matter. I thought I'd just send an email, and have a rational, inteligent communication about it (if you respond). If you were reffering to "dance" music sucking, I couldnt agree with you more. But that is "DANCE" music, defined by trendy techno-pop with cheezy female vocals throughout every song. TRANCE music in my opinion is exceptional, and I hope you were'nt reffering to that, or classifying it under "dance". But then I noticed you ripping the fact that it isnt made with real instruments, and its fake synthesized crap (or something along those lines). Well if your referring to all electronica as shite, I'd have to heavily disagree (especially if your a Britt) Just because a style of music wasnt created with an instrument that was invented over 1000 years ago, doesnt mean its not real music, its just highly advanced, technological music. Anyway, country & western music is made with real instruments, but if I want to hear that noise then I'll just step on my fucking cat! Electronica is a style that uses the most innovative musical techniques with man's most recent ingenuity. Besides, its probably the most popular type of music throughout the world on average (Europe, Russia, East Asia, South America) And have you not heard of DJ TIESTO. He compiled an original score, then broadcasted it live during the opening for the 2004 World Olympics! Thats talent and popularity that can't be matched, and everybody in all age groups and all statuses were pretty much blown away by it. If you say you hate all trance, then I'd have to say you just havnt heard the right stuff. So if you were telling me to beware of the euphoria CD because its full of cheesy dance crap, then thank you, I appreciate that. But if your telling everyone to steer clear of it simply because it falls under the genre of electronica, then thats not fair. Different people have different tastes, and you can't just tell them to not like something that they already do. Some people might actually want to buy that CD.

Wow, that was intended FOR me and I got bored half-way through. Someone e-mail me the basic point of that ramble, please.

nasty_girl47@hotmail.com
writes
Okay, I’m not going to bother with niceties like ‘hello’ and ‘how are
you’
because OBVIOUSLY you don’t care about crap like that.

I just want to say that if you hate everyone and everything, WHY BOTHER
TALKING OR WRITING REVIEWS ON AMAZON.COM? No-one WANTS to hear from a
miserable old bat that has nothing nice to say. Now, this e-mail might
be a
bit biased coz YOU TRASHED MY FAV. MOVIE OF ALL TIME, DIRTY DANCING,
but
were not here to talk about the nice things in life, ARE WE? NO, course
not,
because EVERYTHING’S AGAINST US, IT’S ALL RIGGED, AND ANYTHING THAT
SEEMS TO
BE NICE, OR GOOD, OR THOUGHTFUL, HAS TO BE A SET-UP, DOESN’T IT?! Now,
I’m
glad that we understand each other.
Thank-you for your time.

-Dirty Dancing fan.

P.S: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Someone needs to tell "Dirty Dancing Fan" that if you can't write a sentence without USING CAPITAL LETTERS FOR NO REASON then you shouldn't say anything at all, either.

zcedmondson@msn.com
writes
Fuck you the darkness are our saviours. fuck you

In that case we're as good as dead.

baltx@hotmail.com
writes
We hate u too. go do more lines.

But I've already left school.

matthewgasda@yahoo.com
writes
i think you need to realize pete dohertys genius is
forgotten amidst the tabloid reports. the man is a
poet, and a brilliant and unique artist. the music is
clattering, sometimes off key, but has a magic in it
your missing

Yawn. Anyone else bored with this already?

games982001@yahoo.com
writes
Wt's wrong with this cd? Who are these rappers? Do u
like 'em? Do they have a website?

He's asking about Blazing Squad. Really, do YOU have the heart to tell him?

F41chevy@aol.com
writes
I can see that you have a black, shriveling heart. You are pathetic!

Hmm - seems Mr Chevy here has a problem with blacks.

jbtaylor5@qwest.net
writes
You are a moron. You say that people are not entitled to their own oppinion. I say yes they are. If you don't get your head around that, that means you are a complete idiot. I have read your review of Celine Dion's "All The Way... A Decade Of Song" and Dido's "Life For Rent" and I say you are an asshole. Have you ever heard the term Free Speech? Everyone is entitled to their own oppinion, and you say they aren't? You talk about the bad things in life? Also, where the hell did you get the name of "The Curmudgeon?" Stop talking about the bad things in life and go see a doctor, you motherfucker!

I think any Celine Dion fan shouldn't see a doctor. More a vet, to be humanely destroyed.

andythemaster11@hotmail.com
writes
Just incase you arent reminded often enough, let me just remind you
what a
fucking uneducated douche you are

That's funny, because when I WAS educated I learned that IN and CASE where two seperate words.

cactusjackizback@hotmail.co.uk
writes
WHY U HATEIN ON KILL BILL FOR ON AMAZON FOR UNCLE SPRINKLE WAS IN THE
FILM
HOW DARE U DISREPECT THIS GREAT ONION MERCHANT

A solid golden egg to anyone who tells me what the Hell he's on about.

celticsupporter141@hotmail.co.uk
writes
can i just say r u FUCKIN MAD!!!!!!!!!! Coyote Ugly is 1 of the best
movies
i have seen!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OTT!!! Lyk omg u r
soooooooooo wrong 1 FUCKIN STAR! gt a grip!!!!! what would u watch then
eh????? SM SHIT!!!!!!! That is BRILLIANT PIECE OF MOVIE!! N WHO GIVS A
FUCK
IF THEY AINT SERVUN U WANNA C GIRLS SERVIN DRINKS WTCH FUCKIN
CORONATION
STREET!!!!!!! OMG GT A GRIP!!

A, a picture perfect representation of a Coyote Ugly fan. Honestly, someone take this cretin to school. My God.

jbtaylor5@qwest.net
writes
You'll pay for the lack of respect you've shown on Amazon.com. Yes, and we deserve to know the good things in life you like, and the music and movies you enjoy. We don't need any of your stupid one star reviews fool! I will make you reveal the music and movies you listen to, even if I have to intimidate you with fear to do it. I do not fear you, you curmudgeon fool. Everyone is entitled to their oppinion and you are in no position to say otherwise, and no, I am not a cretin(...) if you even know what that is. Fool! if you said that to me in person, I would reach out and smack you in the face, and have you bleeding all over until you make a bloody mess all over the floor of my house. Do not underestimate me. Now, you will pay.

Huh. Now, just cutting and pasting these e-mails here makes me realise I've already heard from our good pal JBtaylor. Never worked out what I was supposed to pay him for, though. Weirdo.

eugene-fenlon@hotmail.com
writes
Fuck you man. Here's a question. Whats your favourite movie? Lord of
the
Rings is 100 times better than the Matrix and Star Wars put together.
When
I saw LOTRs in the cinema, I was blown away. I had never seen anything
like
it before or since. If you dont like LOTRs, you have no taste in
movies.
When I saw the Matrix Reloaded and Revolution, I was so dissapointed.
Bad
endings and Keanu Reeves. Come on, he cant act for shit. Why do you
think
LOTRs was voted best trilogy of all time? Why? Because it was FUCKING
BRILLIANT.

This is another fact. There is not one person (locally) who disagrees
with
me. Peter Jackson is a genius. P.S. What kind of a name is
'Curmudgeon'?
It sounds like a viginal desease.

You've got to love the fact he can't even spell VAGINA. Makes you wonder if he's ever even SEEN one before...

lareMoss123@aol.com
writes
f you didnt like the film just say it you dont have say that anyone who likes the film is braindead

Another day, another stupid girl writing in about Coyote Ugly. She won't be the last..

jsallen@ednet.rvc.cc.il.us
writes
Wow, I saw some of your 90+ reviews on Amazon.com. You obviously are a loser yourself, for spending so much time watching and reviewing obviously bad movies, music, etc. How the Hell have you even wasted so much time watching bad movies and such, when you knew they sucked to begin with. The fact that you even like Korn can only make me assume you have bad taste anyway. I bet you are some 30 year old bum who still lives with their parents, plus has no girlfriend, just chats online with 14 year old girls. Get off the internet.

Well, she got me there. Ouch. Not about the living with parents or not having a girlfriend, but man, I can't get enough of those 14 year old girls. Wait, I mean..

Talk properly, dammit!

Now, I don't know what kind of "traffic" this site will be getting, but even if I only get one person, if that person even THINKS of writing THIS sort of shit they can just get the Hell back out..

It depends really. If u dont do netin bout it, then u cld b missing out on something really great.
But yeah ur friendship is reali important but at the same time if ur gd enuf friends, then wotever happens, ur friendship will bounce back from it.
I think talk to ur best m8s about it, c wot they say but I think u shld go for it.

Now, that's just a random example taken from any number of chat rooms and discussion boards. It's absolutely depressing to read our language being torn apart and abused by thick scum who are too lazy to try any harder and actually write, like, WORDS.

E-mail has already killed off the art of writing a genuine letter to someone, but now we're in danger of breeding an entire generation of people who can't even string a sentence together without resorting to using text speak. On a mobile phone I SUPPOSE it's passable, but there is NO excuse when typing to other people on a computer. But the frightening thing is the majority of thickies who don't know any better. It may wash on other websites, but it certainly won't wash in the Fortress. Of course I won't edit or remove any comments, but don't expect to be on the Curmudgeon's good side if you start using that shit on me.

People - love your language. Let the thickies and knuckle-draggers have their pathetic text speak. You know it makes sense.

Review 49: Batman And Robin SE DVD

You can't polish a turd.

Being a collector of all live action comic book adaptations, you can bet I was pleased that the powers that be decided to re-release all four Batman movies as Special Editions, instead of the usual; the first movie gets all the extra's, the sequels get squat.

So here then is two things - one, the worst movie ever made, and two - the worst movie ever made that gets the special edition two disc treatment. The old saying "you can't polish a turd" rings true here - stick all the extras and bonus features on here, it's still utterly dismal.

I haven't bought this yet, but I'm actually curious as to what the hell could be on this two disc edition. I doubt any of the actors involved will want to talk about it (although its always funny to hear George Clooney apologise about it). I think we should have an extra of every member of cast involved being punched in the genitals. Just once, twice for Joel. Imagine..

Arnie: But I was really funny. Remember - "You'll never put me in de coolahh... UNGHHHH."

Now THAT I would watch.

Now, there's one thing for a film to be bad. I've watched hundered of bad movies, hundreds of really TERRIBLE movies, but this is one of those rare abomonations that actually makes you feel ANGRY. Angry that the people involved had NO idea what they were doing, that they took MILLIONS of dollars, that someone with, say, talent, could have used to make something good, and flushed it down the toilet on stupid sets, costumes, TERRIBLE dialogue, AWFUL plots and absolutley WASTED characters that bear little to no resemblence to their comic book counterparts.

I don't understand who they were aiming this movie at. Certainly not the fans of the comics, who (quite rightly) would want to kill every single person responsible. Average movie-goers would think it a gaudy, badly acted mess, and kids would just think it was corny and boring.

So there you have it - I've reviewed some right terrible things in my time, but THIS is the single worst thing I've ever seen.. and I'm going to buy it.

That depresses me so much I'm going to have to do something drastic... and you'll find out what THAT is for review number 50...

Review 48: Babyshambles - Fuck Forever

Over-rated junkie adored by morons.

Pete Doherty. His pasty, pudgy face is never out of the British tabloids these days, but has there ever been a musician LESS famous for their music? And let's face it, it's not just the tabloids that don't care about the actual musical output of Doherty et al - all ANYONE talks about is one thing - Pete Doherty is addicted to heroin.

Does anyone know any of the other members of Babyshambles? Of course they don't. Could half of the people reading this review name me 2 Babyshambles songs? Of course they couldn't - because their weak, patchy material can't compete with the juggernaut of exposure Doherty gets, and his massive, swollen ego and pathetic sense of self-worth and self-pity wouldn't have it any other way.

So, Pete's a junkie then. It's what MADE the band he was in earlier (The Libertines) famous (again, not the music, that was just as bad as Babyshambles.. well, maybe a little better), as a million fools took Pete to their hearts, calling him "troubled" and "in need of counciling".

LISTEN, idiots - he's a feeble minded, worthless JUNKIE. Don't you think he knew what heroin was when he took it? Of course he did. No-one put a gun to his head, he knew the risks, he knew what he was doing - and now he just can't hack it. Simple as that. And we're supposed to feel sorry for him? We're supposed to support him? I don't think so. If Pete Doherty wasn't famous, you would cross the street to avoid him, you would look at him, wasted, and tut, thinking "scum". But no, because he's got some money, because he's in the NME every week - he's a genius, a poet, the saviour of British music. What utter rubbish.

I really, really hope Pete Doherty doesn't overdose. Not that the world would lose anyone of any worth or merit, but because he would instantly become a new hero, an untouchable icon of a generation etc etc etc. Same with Tupac, same with Kurt Cobain (who WAS talented, don't get me wrong on that one) - and Pete Doherty is quite simply not worthy of any praise at all.

"F**k Forever?" No, F**k YOU, Pete. And all your simple-minded herd of sheep fans. Forever.

Review 47: Stereophonics - Step On My Old Size 9's

Just another reason to hate the Stereophonics.

There are many reasons to do this. Here are a few:

1. Kelly Jones has publicly stated he will never put proper songs as B-sides to singles. Mr Rock And Roll said "we release four singles from our album, with two extra tracks on the two CD formats, that's almost a whole album". In it for the music eh?

2. The dull, pedestrian meat and potatoes everyman rock dirge they pollute the air waves with.

3. Kelly Jones. In general.

4. This. Fu**ing. Song.

Now there's been a fair few Stereophonics songs that have barely registered on my radar. I've heard them, shrugged and switched off. Don't get me wrong, the likes of Bartender and The Thief and A Million Trees were acceptable, on some levels even enjoyable, but after that it all went rapidly downhill. From the cuddly, "fingers crossed its Christmas no:1" cover of "Handbags and Gladrags" to the "boo-hoo, now the NME hate us" pointless wail of "Mr Writer" there was just something easily detestable about the Stereophonics. And then Step On My Old Size Nines came out, along with "funny" video, and I really thought my ears were going to bleed in agonizing pain.

It's not loud, it's not annoyingly catchy or anything like that. It's quite simply the most boring, mundane DRIVEL you'll ever hear. Honestly, it's AWFUL. The fact it appeared on an album is gobsmacking enough, the fact they released the plodding, moribund car-crash as a SINGLE is beyond belief. Quite simply one of the worst singles of all time.

The soundtrack to a band who aren't in it for the music, aren't in it for the friendship or the tours - they're in it for the money. If I had one wish it would be to take my old size tens and kick the ever-lovin' crap out of Kelly Jones.

Review 46: Big Brother Season 3 DVD

The epitome of SCUM television.

Let me clear something up first - this isn't aimed at THIS particular version of Big Brother. Hell, I'm from the UK so I won't even have SEEN this. Not that I watch ANY of Big Brother or any of it's charmless, cheap TV knock-off counterparts.

But it doesn't really matter. Who needs to have seen this particular series - it's all the same, full of phony, desperate, loathsome idiots out to become famous for doing absolutley nothing. Without watching this, I can predict that

a) People will fight and argue for NO REASON AT ALL.

b) There will be an extrovert (probably gay) housemate. Or more than one (if recent UK versions are anything to go by).

c) Two people will fumble around under the bedclothes with each other in a tired attempt to become a household name.

Well, was I right? I bet I was, because this format of program has become so jaded, cynical and worn out that you can almost predict what's going to happen, what the newspapers are going to salivate over the next day.

Big Brother is the epitome of scum television - TV aimed at people who don't have either the patience or intelligence to watch a real program, (you know, one with a plot and actors and stuff). These people, these scum - can't watch a program without wanting to phone in and vote someone off.

Worse than people who watch (and talk about) it? The people who buy the DVD's. Yes, you too can own a version of attention craving morons sitting around in a house. These people, who's names you will forget in three weeks time, will entertain and delight you in totally forced, "oh, is the camera on me? I got naked and they SHOWED IT???" antics.

If this sounds like your sort of thing, may I suggest three other things you may need in your life? A nice, sturdy wooden chair, a solid hook in the ceiling above you, and a lovely big noose. As a great man once said - you might as well kill yourself, you're already dead.

Review 45: Jaws IV - The Revenge DVD

Stupidity beyond belief.

It's never a good sign when the blurb on the front of the box makes you burst into mocking laughter. Some tag-lines in movies are classics, and are as famous as the movies themselves. You know what I mean..

"In Space No One Can Hear You Scream" from Alien.
"Crime Is A Disease. Meet The Cure" from Cobra.
"Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid" from The Fly.
"He Is The Master Of Quack Fu" from Howard The Duck.

OK, not really the last one. But you get the idea, so when you see Jaws IV, with "this time its personal" you can't help but laugh. So, there's a shark out there pi**ed off at the whole Brody family for killing.. uh, I dunno, his family? So he hunts down said family, one by one (ignoring other swimmers!) in an attempt to get revenge.

Ahem. No, really.

Now, I'm sorry, there's a lot of things I'm willing to accept in movies - but that's just a step too far into "stupid" for me. All was missing were scenes of the shark down in his lair, shaking his fin upwards towards the surface shouting "I'll get you for this, Brody!"

It makes NO sense. Not one little bit. Especially when the whole family MOVES from New York to the Bahamas - and the shark follows them! How did it know they were going? Did it tap their phones? Read their mail?

Tellingly, Roy Scheider is nowhere to be seen in this movie, leaving it all up to his boring wife to handle the stalking shark. And Michael Caine pops up too, for pretty much no reason other than to tell us, "phwoar, that shark's breath stinks."

Oh, and speaking of the shark - he roars like a lion in this movie. Not once, but a handful of times. I didn't know sharks could do that. Then again, I didn't know sharks bore grudges over the deaths of family members from over 10 years ago either. Learn something new every day, eh?

Lastly, the director has the shark "popping" out of the water so much it starts to wear a little thin. In the first film, when the shark pops out of the water it's a jump out of the seat moment, and clue that indeed Sherrif Brody is "gonna need a bigger boat". Here, the shark is almost like one of those whack-a-mole games.

A complete waste of time. Don't be tempted.

Review 44: G4 - G4 CD

Worst. Album. Ever.

Jeez, where to start on THIS? Oh man, you won't believe your ears. Honestly. That noise of fingernails down a blackboard? It's like listening to Bach compared to this.

First off, an introduction to who these goofs are; G4, part of that reality TV show X Factor, the show watched by millions of unintelligent low-lives around the world. G4 are, ahem ahem, "Opera" singers, but get this - they sing songs people have heard of.

It's a simple recipe; take hits from credible artists (Bowie, Queen, Radiohead) but play only their biggest songs, so even the most musically ignorant housewife in the world will have heard of them, and sing them in really, really STUPID voices.

So, Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody (it HAD to be that song, didn't it? One that the stupid masses will recognise) now sounds like quite the worst thing you'll ever hear, sung by four morons who wouldn't know "harmony" if the Beach Boys came round and kicked their heads in. It's actually AMAZING how awful these idiots sound. Download one of their songs for a laugh (for free of course, don't even THINK about paying for this rubbish) and hear for yourself.

Words fail me to describe how hysterically bad it really is. But then it's a band made famous by reality television, the scum-magnet of the world. Want the half-wits and the drones to listen to your music? Play it on reality tv - instant hit.

What's good about people who buy reality tv records is their attention and loyalty span lasts approximitely one record, hence this will be the very last time these sorry, sorry fools and their pitiful "music" will be heard. Thank Heavens for small mercies.

Review 43: Daredevil DVD

Blindingly awful.

he Curmudgeon is a hard-hearted fellow at times, but even he can be crushed, his hopes and dreams scattered into tiny broken fragements on the floor. The US remake of Godzilla was one such disappointment, as was Star Wars Eps 1 and 2 and now - this.

For those that don't know - The Curmudgeon is a comic book movie collector. I get everything; movies, TV shows, 50's serials.. anything. Which means I have a fair amount of crap, and that's fine. I can usually tell if they're going to be awful, but I really didn't think Marvel's Man Without Fear would join the cream of the crap.

For the record, I really do enjoy reading Daredevil comics. Great character, some decent villains, nice "blind man" gimmick.. so when the news came out that there was going to be a Daredevil movie.. well, your ever-lovin' blue eyed Irresponsible Hate Monger was going to be front row centre.

And so, where to begin? OK, Daredevil certainly LOOKS the part. His costume and the effects are great, if nowhere near as jaw-dropping as (the earlier) Spider-Man. Bullseye, sans costume (a big shame) is the best thing in the movie, in that he's, what's the word? Ah yes - interesting. He's not anything like the Bullseye from the comics, but he's still the most watchable.

Elektra's in here too, and is about as interesting as watching bathwater pour down the plughole. As is Daredevil. In the comics he's brooding, but still funny. In this he's not even brooding - he's just boring. Ben Affleck really can't add "depth" to his actor's CV, because other than, well, doing what Ben Affleck does (do let me know what that is), he doesn't do much else.

The Kingpin is black, which is a bit of a weird turn but fair enough. And guess what he is, too? Yup - you guessed it - BORRRRRRING. He smokes a big cigar and throws a rose on his victim's chests (wrong villain, dumbasses) and that's about it. The Kingpin is a huge powerhouse of a man, very literate and, done right, could have been a brilliant villain (even the cartoon series has more depth than this version). Michael Clarke Duncan is a superb actor, but he's given nothing to work with here. It's a waste of an actor and a character.

So, we've got boring hero, boring love interest and boring villains. Uh-oh. What else? Oh yeah - the boring story makes NO SENSE. Matt Murdoch is blind but has a secret radar-sense that gives him abilities above that of a normal man. You get that word there, Matt? SECRET? Isn't it a bit of a giveaway to your powers and stuff to be staging a mock fight in a park with Elektra (that'll be an attempt at trying to build up some chemistry and interest in their romance - that failed), with backflips and running up ramps and God knows what else - in front of about 100 people watching? And not ONE person thinks "that guy isn't really blind", let alone, "oh, well - that'll be Daredevil, then".

Just one in a series of howlers that makes for one depressing mess of a film. I haven't seen the Directors Cut of this yet (it'll be bought one day). Unless the Director "Cut" the entire film I really don't know what improvements could be made. Come back Howard The Duck, all is forgiven.

Review 42: Psycho (Remake) DVD

Well, this IS a first...

It's not often The Curmudgeon is at a loss for words. But I am today, loyal readers, because I just can't sum up Gus Van Sant's remake other than this - it's utterly, utterly POINTLESS.

Not terrible, not bad, not good - just.. pointless. I have no real problem with remakes, if they're done well (although we are seeing a depressing lot of them these days), but they've got to be different, otherwise what's the point? I can understand the notion of NOT changing it, not wanting to tamper with the source material (especially as something as flawless as Psycho) but then - why bother? And that's the problem here.

Gus has used almost every shot Hitchcock used, so basically you're watching the same movie but in colour - and a really crap Norman Bates. With Anthony Perkins, even in the sequels which, although lacking, still had his beyond creepy persona, there was just that hint of something wrong.. a smile too many, a nervous twitch here and there that made you KNOW something awful was going to happen. With Vince Vaughn's he's nowhere near as compelling a Bates as Perkins was.

What else to say? There's a few new shots thrown in to show today's attitudes (in short - Norman Bates plays with himself while watching Anne Heche get undressed... well, it takes all sorts, I suppose) and, uh.. that's it.

Most unforgivable part? The ending (which, if you don't know it, look away now - oh, too late), when Norman bursts in the room in the original Psycho dressed as his mother, knife in the air, HORRIBLE expression on his face, lighbulb swinging wildly across the room, it's a terryfying rush of fear and "what the f**k" that has never been equalled. In this version, Vince Vaughn minces in like he's Dr Frankenfurter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

So there you have it - not a terrible movie, because he copied one of the best ever made. Just a huge waste of talent, time and camera film. PLEASE stick with the original.

Review 41: Killer Queen - A Tribute To Queen

The soundtrack to dancing on Freddie's grave.

Well, if this isn't quite the worst thing you'll hear all year. It's all the standard Queen songs (would it have killed any of these acts to have maybe covered something that wasn't on the Hits albums? An album track? A B-Side? No, wait - that would be challenging the dullards who'll want to buy this) sung by a variety of acts. I will admit they do cover the spectrum somewhat - from Joss Stone to Sum 41 to Flaming Lips, it's certainly a varied cast. If only the songs had been so inventive.

But they're not - in the slightest. This is pretty much a Queen Kareoke CD just with poorer vocals. You don't enjoy it, you end up

a)angry at the tacky quality of it all
b)scratching your head wondering what the point of this entire CD is
c)wanting to hear the original songs

All in all then? Terrible. A CD for Pop Idol fans to hear Songs They Know sang by Artists They've Never Heard Of. You'd think with such a great band and such a wide category of classic songs they could have drummed up some decent performers. But, hey, who needs that when you've got "We Are The Champions" murdered by Gavin DeGraw? I mean, that guys name alone is money. Who needs great bands when you've got, er, Breaking Benjamin. Which kinda sounds like a gay porno.

This is just another shameless attempt to scrape some more cash out of the gullible. Don't let it be you.

Review 40: Diana Princess Of Wales Tribute CD

A nation weeps. It says here.

Here's an amusing anecdote for you. You know how old people always say they remember where they were the day they heard Kennedy had been shot? I think our generations alternative is going to be "do you remember where you were when you heard Diana was dead?" And that's a real shame, because, according to eye-witnesses, I told them about it after hearing it on TV at four in the morning. Trouble was, I was blind drunk and completely forgot about it the next morning. I woke up and was like, "oh, really? Wow." So does that count as the first time I REALLY heard it? Answers on a postcard.

I suppose my alternative "do you remember" question could go something like this.. "do you remember where you were when you were bowled over by the unbelievable hypocrisy and fake sentiment surrounding this parasite's demise?

The answer would be no - because it came so thick and so fast (and so frequent) that I could barely breathe because of it.

Let me cast your mind back, before Diana's driver tried to do a Kittie Pryde. Guys, Diana was a JOKE. A laughing stock, seen as a yo-yo knickered airhead who tried to con and manipulate the media for her own gain. A day didn't go by that the tabloids were mocking her or the media were exposing her. It was accepted, it was who she was - a Royal - a complete waste of time.

Then, BAM! All of a sudden she does the biggest, most succesful career revival ever and snuffs it. Then you cannot MOVE for newspapers telling us how great she was, the media telling us how much she was loved and how she'll be missed and how the "world was in mourning". And, for some reason, she was now the People's Princess, "England's Rose" and about a million other utter LIES. It really was an eye-opening experience for The Curmudgeon.

And this God-awful CD is just an example of the mawkish drivel we had to suffer for (what felt like) about two years straight. Ah yes, you really can sum up the way the "nation is feeling" by playing "Mama" by the Spice Girls. The deeply meaningful lyrics of Angel - "I walk into an empty room, and suddenly my heart goes boom" is a great representation of "our suffering", but then the song IS called "Angel" so it's got to be included. I can't believe they didn't have "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. What a wasted opportunity.

Look at that track listing, and think about what its supposed to be for, what "devine cause" its supposed to support. I mean, God almighty, who BOUGHT this junk?? That this CD was ever made is the REAL tragedy here.

Roast in Hell, Diana.

Review 39: Bonkers V14 - Hardcore Strikes Back

Junk for junkies. How about that?

Ah yes, more mindless, God-awful drivel for low-lives to pop pills to. Honestly, have you ever HEARD any of this stuff? Terrible, terrible, terrible.

The fact they have cartoon drawings of Star Wars goes some way to explain the faceless unoriginality of it all. Music without a soul or purpose, programmed by coke-snorters and listened to by ecstasy popping drones.

The Curmudgeon is not a snob, but, really though - I am BETTER than the people that listen to this music. End of story. Stay on the right side of evolution and avoid at all costs.

Review 38: Girls Aloud - I'll Stand By You

Skank Anthem.

Hello. I realise this is an American site, so you may not have heard of these particular strumpets before. So let this good ol' British Curmudgeon tell you a bit about them.

Girls Aloud - formed as part of one of those Pop Idol contests, one of the most wretched programs ever made. Now,usually that means The Curmudgeon hates whatever creatures of Hell it spawns - but, surprisingly, not this time. For the people who pull these puppets strings do it incredibly well, giving them sassy, bouncy pop hits packed with fun, attitude and choruses so infectious you may well need a tetanus shot after listening to them.

Did I mention how hot they are as well? No - oh, well, trust me - every single one of them you WOULD. One of the girls, Cheryl Tweedy, has become something of a guy icon over here just now (she was voted second in the Sexiest Girls In The World a few months back).

"So, hang on Curmudgeon - the concept of a reality pop group may be horrific, but if the girls are awesome and the songs good, what's the problem?"

Well may you ask, dear reader. And I'll tell you - THIS song. Every other single they've had has been fine, but this TERRIBLE cover of the Pretender's song makes my teeth itch. OK, take the Pretender's original - simple. soulful, honest and real, then get five honey's who wouldn't know how to write a song if their life depended on it, have them sit on a beach singing it like some kareoke contest from Hell (which I suppose Pop Idol is, really) and make them look like they're auditioning for a shampoo commerical. It stripped the original of any merit and sincerity and was just plain AWFUL.

Worse still, no doubt this tune, as it WAS number one, will have been adopted by the great unwashed as an "anthem" (as I believe the idiots call anything with, like, a chorus). Imagine the scene; some little whore with three different kids blubbing as her car-thief boyfriend gets put away again, THIS will be their song. "You may have a heroin addiction, you may beat me up every night but.. I'll Stand By You". Shouldn't be allowed.

Review 37: Melanie C - Beautiful Intentions

Oh for God's sake GO AWAY!

Lord have mercy, but are we ever going to be rid of these damn Spice Girls? When are they going to realise that NO-ONE CARES ANYMORE? At least Posh had the good sense to give it up after releasing the least amount of horrific records, but the likes of Geri and ol' wonky-eye here just won't give it up.

Let's be honest, here - the one interesting thing about Melanie C was her eating disorder. We all had a good chuckle, but now it seems she's over that - that little bit of publicity got stale and she moved on from it. So what does that leave us with?

I'll tell you - dire attempts at being either "edgy" or "real", and sounding absolutley nothing like either. She's always had embarrassing songs (I Turn To You, with its hilariously bad video and naff lyrics, Goin' Down - quite possibly her very own ticket to Hell, that homeless thing she did, with the classic "I can't live without my phone - you don't even have a home" line.. I don't think Bob Dylan has anything to worry about, luv), and there's nothing as wretched here.. in fact, there's nothing much at all to talk about. It's just boring. A record of empty air, from a girl with nothing to say and no-one to listen to it.

She was dropped by her record label and had to use her own funds to make this album, you know. Result? Album flopped, and she had to release her second single on the internet only due to "lack of interest". Now what's that saying about a fool and their money.....?

Review 36: Michelle McManus - The Meaning Of Love

Back to the loch with you, Nessie.

Let me get one thing straight, in case this is the first review you have ever read of The Curmudgeon's (read them all, you'll love them). The Curmudgeon HATES reality television. Reality TV in its own space is bad enough, but when it starts clogging up the charts and MTV etc then that's just the first sign of the apocolypse.

So, Pop Idol/American Idol then. I'm from the UK, so we get the former. And you really have to sit and think of the difference between the two winners.

American Idol gets Kelly Clarkston - good pop songs and hotter than Johnny Storm in a bad mood. We get Michelle McManus, with dire ballads, the size of a house and teeth that would make Golum blush. Thanks a lot, guys.

Dunno if you know this, but this dire attempt at a sympathy vote scored one hit, the obligatory "number one after winning" single, had another single that flopped, and was promptly dropped off the side of the universe, never to be seen again.

Well, not quite. She re-appeared a few months back, in another reality show tackling her weight as she tried to lose a few tonne (kind of rips apart her "I'm happy with my image" rants from when she first appeared). Highlight of the show, and a boot right in the face of Michelle's dignity? When the doctor analysed and criticised Michelle's huge, steaming TURD - on national television. And I really wish I was making that up.

A new low for television, then, and about as low as you can go for big Michelle. I think suicide can only be an improvement now.